I Have a 4 1/2 Year Old That Doesnt Listen and Thinks He Can Do What He Wants.

Hi J.
My name is N. and i have a seven year old daughter. She used to be the same way because i have always been the hard one with the rules,listening and respect and manners but they were not enforced by her father or her fathers parents so she would play sides. When we moved back home she still did the same thing and it was getting hard so i bought one of those chore charts but nothing on it really pertained to her attitude so her and i sat down and made her own we drew the lines and i had her tell me her responsibilties, like she has to get out of bed , get dressed, brush teeth am and pm do homework do own dishes, put away own toys , use manners , go to bed and these are on the cahrt staring monday to sunday and all are noted to be done with no whining, if she does them with no whining she puts a sticker on that part of her chart if she does not she has to draw a sad face. three sad faces and she is not allowed to go to her fathers or if we have a family outing she is not allowed to go but whatever works . this has helped her tremendously. she has not gotten to three sad faces in a long time most of the time she does not have any.

Taking things away did not work with my daughter (3 1/2) either what is really starting to work is time out. I put her on the couch and tell her not to get off until I tell her to. (i minute per year of their age so she gets 3 minutes) if she gets off I add another minute (she thinks reality 30 seconds) anyway she crys and carries on but she does not get off the couch now and then I have her calm down before she can get off. Then I make sure I hug her and explain why she had to sit there.

Hi J.,
This is a tough age and what you are going through can be stressful. I read your post and I can't offer much advice from a psychological stand point just from mom to mom. If you think your son had ADD, I would have him evaluated before you make any assumptions. I have a good friend who is a specialist in this field and is a pediatrian at Morristown Hospital.

Something stood out to me when I read this post. You just starting staying at home a year and a half ago, since the baby was born. Your son sees you more often than he used to so I think that he might be craving your attention. At school if he is the "helper" then he is getting the individual special attention that he desires so he doesn't need to misbehave to get it. I think you can't underestimate quality time and having a new child in the family. My humble advice would be to talk to him and have a specific time tha the can count on for you and him to spend special time together without the baby.

Wish you well.

I have a 4 1/2 year old girl and 16 month old girl. My older daughter is exactly the same way. I felt like I was reading about my kids. The older one goes to preschool and they say she is great there, polite and listens well. When she is home, she can be so difficult. We have tried timeouts and taking away toys also, but she is very jealous of her little sister. She follows her around the house and I have caught her trying to hurt her also. Thens he denies it as well. I don't unfortunately have answers for you, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I find myself yelling at her and only sometimes the timeout works. Good luck.

He's trying to assert himself, and he feels more comfortable at home trying it out. At school, the reason why he is more cooperative is because he is not as comfortable breaking the rules, and needs to seek approval. You need to ask yourself if your son is picking up cues from you or your husband, in regards to behavior..can he interprete your punishment as favoritism to the other child? You are right, kids with ADD act up consistantly in all enviroments, I don't believe he has ADD either. Your role in your family should be one of a "benevolent dictator." You need to set the rules, especially since you spend the most time with your children. Taking away toys works for my son, but I understand that some children are different. Try time outs (no contact no toys, but in the same room as you so he does not feel as if you are favoring the other child over him), and making time for one on one with him when his sister takes a nap, to curb the jealosy.

we are the same way with my son... some days it's hard and other days, he's an angel. all i can say is to watch what you as parents do and say... you never know how kids interpret certain words or tones when you are speaking (to anyone)... little ears hear big.
we also just make him know that he will not win. for instance... he hasn't been eating dinner--at all! he thinks that i will get him what he wants and i make sure he knows that this isn't a restaurant. he knows that if his feet hit the floor, he goes to bed. no matter what time it is. he has to eat 3/4 of his dinner to leave the table--and then clear his place. those are the rules. Period.
i guess just reinforce it and tell him that mom and dad make the rules.
also try to spend quality time with just your older child. we have been doing a date night for me and my son every few weeks. it could be anything from going to the grocery store to getting a gift for a birthday party he's going to. he doesnt care. we put on the radio, sing and act silly... he loves the attention. that way daddy gets some time with his little girl too :) they love it!
be strong and try to talk to him about how he's feeling. he's old enough to have a conversation with you about that. it may get better if you let him explain to you where he's coming from...
frustration can come in all forms. :) good luck!
-L.
www.designsbyleanne.com

I am having the same problem with my son. He is 5 1/2 and in kindergarten. He is now starting to be defiant with the Teacher. If you get any good advice let me know.

Thanks,
D.

Hi J. I so feel for you right now. I think you have to think back to when his behavior started changing. What was happening in your family when he started acting differently at home. I know My son was about 2 1/2 when I had my youngest and he started changing and I made sure that I gave him exrta attention and it stopped.
I personally do not believe in ADD and I know a lot of people that have the same belief. Plus, he is behaving at school so the situation seems to be at home.
First both parents have to agree on the form of discipline. I think you should observe when he starts acting up and try talking to him. As far as him denying what he does I've learned that is very normal. I went through that and what I realized is during my discipline I was asking questions. I will say "Why would you do that?, Why did you do that?" Instead of saying "That hurt your sister's feelings and that is not nice, I think you both could have fun if you do ______," Kids don't know how to talk about their feelings, but they sure know how to express them.
Hope this helped a bit
M.