I Give Up!

ROFL...Oh honey, we have so ALL been here. Cross-eyed, bang your head against the wall, seriously contemplating how much force it would take to shove a pencil through our skull...going absolutely crazy. Wait...is that a grey hair? It wasn't there before!!! Oh no....THAT'S the one from finding them climbing up a lamp/trying to lick an outlet/projectile vomiting/riding the dog/only loving daddy/opening the SEALED window on the third floor/emptying the tub of water onto the bathroom floor by telekinesis/flushing the watch/putting pb&j int he VCR/ being on a perfect sleep schedule for SINGAPORE not San Diego...we've never even BEEN to Singapore/ smearing WHAT?!? all over the wall, oh gawd, tell me that's not what I think/! I swear it! That's where that grey hair came from!

Breathe.

Let's take things one at a time:

- Sleep & Sleep Dep
- Self confidence
- Weaning
- Milk
- Speech/Verbalizing
- Throwing Food
- Not listening/doing what they're told
- Cleaning
- World guilt/comparing your family to others
- Irony

We'll start with Irony first, just for fun. If you hadn't listed off everything you've tried, you'd get 50 responses all listing off all the things to try. Since you have, you're going to get all of us saying...Whoa...slow down. Either pick a high fat one & stick with it for a month, or give up on milk (ton's of kids can't even have any dairy at all, and can still manage to get the requisite fats, proteins, sugars, & vitamins/minerals. It can be harder, but a darn sight easier than having the WALLS or the plumbing get all of the nutrients. :) Irony. But, as you've found no "instant fix/love", you pick & stick, or just toss the idea of milk out the window. If you need ideas on how to get milk's nutrients (for healthy brain, bone, & muscle growth), toss me an email (I don't want to cut and paste from other posts here...this is going to be long enough already). Or research young children and lactose intolerance. The L.I. doesn't apply, but the solutions parents of L.I. kids use would be useful.

<Grinning> On to sleep. This is probably the BIGGEST source of your problems. Sleep Dep actually counts as legal temporary insanity. You are completely within your rights to feel like you're going out of your mind, because prolonged sleep dep will cause just that. The problem is that your son is waking up to eat. Does that have to be milk, much less breast milk? Heck no. Not at 18 months (at 3 months yes, at 9 months, probably, at 18 months, nope).. And a solid food will take longer to digest. I would suggest giving him something warm and filling. Like chicken noodle soup, or beefaroni, whatever something that is one of his favorites is. Quite frankly, canned or frozen and zapped is going to be easiest. To try...give him a big dinner right before bed (even if you nurse immediately afterward). Then when he wakes up, feed him more solid food (like the soup). You can spoon feed him, or put it in a container that can be drunk out of...but I would suggest doing it with him in your lap, whether that's picnic style in the livingroom or in the chair you usually nurse in. I can almost guarantee you you will at the very least double the amount of time you're getting between wakings, if not cut it down to one waking per night. (My own son would wake in the middle of the night during growth spurts until he was 5.)

Self Confidence. You can do this. One of my favorite quotes is "Only the sane question their sanity." The same goes for parenting. Only good parents question their parenting. By asking these questions of yourself you're not just parenting, you're reviewing/analyzing/and looking for ways to better your life and your son's. That's the mark of a good parent. Meant to or not, a good parent. it's just like teaching school. Every teacher has a bad day, or the class has got the crazies, no matter WHAT the teacher does the primary task seems to end up getting them home alive. Does that mean you're a bad teacher? Nope. Just one of those days. Just like being a mum. Sometimes we have WEEKS of "Oh, gawd, I screwed up that one, didn't I?" We all do. And when we care enough to look at it (or not to choke anyone) we get through it.

Weaning. There are ton's of methods, books, etc. You're ready. I'd suggest picking 2 or 3 ways that "feel" good, mentally/emotionally, and do it. (The multiple methods thing is just because there's no one right way. The "Sounds Perfect" idea might not work, but the "sounds okay" may actually turn out perfect. Give it a go. No guilt.

Milk. Think we already hit this one. Milk is fantasmagorical superfood...but you can substitute other fats/protiens/sugars and get the same result with a little more work and just pouring. Milk isn't necessary. Just super super easy.

Speech & Verbalizing. Don't stress this one yet. Many kids (mine included) don't speak a lot until 2ish. Then the trouble can be trying to get them to remember to STOP talking enough to breathe. After you've taken care of the weaning & sleep dep thing, you can worry about developmental delays. Until then, why worry about finals before midterms? (Just as an aside, my late verbalizer -who doesn't quit talking at all now- started reading at 3. Just because they're "late" doing one thing, doesn't mean that they're going to be late/behind at everything. Kids hit milestones early, average, & late all the time...and are perfectly normal. Early isn't better, average isn't 'needs improvement', and late is failing. At a year and a half my son had baba, mama, dada, nana, meimei, and dupid ding (stupid thing). At 2ish he'd come stomping into the house telling me that the squirrels were mocking him.

Throwing Food. This is age appropriate. Children in 3rd world countries do this. Starving kids do this. At a year and a half, they're not just eating. They're being little scientists. They're testing gravity, flavors, ways to get food into their bodies (does it absorb though my hair?), our reactions, and learning fine and major motor movements. Even if ALL they want is to get it in their mouth, they can get excited and their arm throws it across the room. It's why in addition to finger foods, introducing using silverware, we also still spoon feed the majority of their nutrients into them for some time. Heck I'll occasionally stab a bite of food with my 7 year olds food and put it in his mouth when he's too absorbed in x to actually put y into his mouth. "Kiddo. Eat." "Yeah, mum" totally ignoring me as he drums out another rhythm on the table. Me sticking that bite in his mouth. "Oh yeah! Great dinner mum!" as he starts shoveling in food and then I'm telling him to slow down and chew his food. Sigh. Kids.

Not listening. Well. This one: For. The. Rest. Of. Their. Lives. At 18 months they're only SOMETIMES even physically capable. The hitting etc is unfortunately one of those age appropriate things. Consistancy will win out, but they won't just all of a sudden start listening. Ditto with telling them not to throw food. Ditto with telling them bedtime/time to go/don't ride the dog. Listening is a skill that's gradually taught and gradually learned. Patience and consistancy will out.

Cleaning. How much of the food on the floor is 'starving kids in africa' (who also throw their food on the floor), and how much of it is "if I have to clean one more thing, I'm officially beating someone to death with this broom, and that person may be ME!" ?

Comparing your family against others. This is a hard one. But just because a hurricane destroys another's house, doesn't mean you should demolish yours. Just because Suzy Derkins started doing math at age 2 doesn't mean that your 4 year old non math kid isn't perfect. Just because your neighbor makes more money, your grandmother didn't have electric kitchen gadgets, the actress is a size 6 again a month after giving birth, your best friend's husband is a stay at home dad, your boss has a nanny, your sister homeschools...just because there are children starving, fighting leukemia, being flown around the world on private jets, going to switzerland for xmas, fighting in wars, dieing of diseases we have vaccines for, getting scholarships to prestigious schools....we could compare and compare and compare...and always either come up egotistical or guilty. There will always be someone better off, or worse off...or making decisions for their families that you think are s.t.u.p.i.d., strange, or enviable. It's our choices and a little luck...but it's OUR life darnit. Don't take on other's worries, any more than to help when you can and learn when given the opportunity.

Good Luck, but I doubt you'll need it.

J.,

Take a deep breath!! It's going to be okay. First off if you are stressed out, then your son can feel that and will mirror it in ways that will cause you more stress!

My first thoughts are it sounds like you've tried a lot of stuff to no avail, but have you remained consistent with any of these tactics? The one thing I have learned is that if I change things too often my son will freak out and be more difficult.

He's only 18 months and his speech will develop as he gets older, trust me I was worried about my son and then one day he was jabbering up a storm and telling me in almost full word phrases how things were. So don't worry, boys can sometimes take longer in a few areas and speech is one of them.

An oversleepy baby will is always tougher to deal with then anything else! So the acting out might be a result of not getting good sleep...here's the thing I remind myself of every day...this little person is depending on me for his life guidance and he needs me to teach him the whole ball of wax.

Before you start sleeping teaching him you might want to tackle the weaning. Have you been in touch with a lactation consultant at all? What you need to do is pick a method and stick with it for as long as it takes. When my son self-weaned I was making sure he was your son's age and that was from a bottle because I couldn't breastfeed anymore. Has he ever taken a bottle? Or a sippy cup? You might try pumping your breastmilk and then offering sippy cups that have squishy tops like the NUBY ones, my son loved those. As for the milk, pick one and stick with it. Repeat the offering over and over, and even leave cups out for snack and meal time so that its visible and present. He will get curious and got for it.

When weaning my friends all wear sports bras to cover their breasts, and offer cups of water rather than breast milk at night. This did cause some crying, but it worked over time for them. You might want to Google weaning techniques and see what comes up. With many of my friends they turned to rocking their infants to soothe through the weaning process and kept up that until their infants were older. Basically, just rocking the baby until asleep and then putting him down either in their own crib or in the bed for cosleeping. You have to find what works best, some people just don't work well with cosleeping and that's okay. My son never slept in a crib and rarely sleeps in his bed today, mostly in my bed or on his cot in my room. Where ever he is most comfy and that is fine with me.

As for the food...kids throw food. Especially when they are learning. It's just their nature. They need to be taught how to hold their utensils and this is best done by example. Whenever my son was eating I would eat with him, and show him how things worked. Keep it simple. Don't get ahead of yourself and be calm.

You can do this. It's not going to be easy but you can. Do you get any time for yourself? A chance to get a haircut or just sit and be alone? This is essential to keeping one's sanity throughout the difficult times. If you need to you might want to hire someone who can come in and help you until things are figured out...like a part-time Nanny or if you have family that can help.

If you need to talk, I would love to help. Please just remember that this is hardwork and he needs all of you there! Good Luck.

Dear J.,

I am so sorry you are so frustrated. I hear you loud and clear! Parenthood is not the stuff they show in movies, and kids can be so hard to deal with. I love that you are open to trying things, which means that you are indeed a good mom. First off don't be so hard on yourself. As an educator, you know that we have to teach our children things. Teaching involves lots of repetition and enormous patience -and that's with kids who aren't even ours. If your own child is crying, you can't even think straight let alone do the "perfect" things that you are "supposed" to. You have survived 18 months, so you are doing great!

Some of the behavior seems like, to me -and I have not met your beautiful child, as sign of frustration due to him not being able to communicate his needs. This is very difficult for 18 months old children who clearly have desires and wants that they need fulfilled *immediately*. You haven't mentioned what kind of "schedule" you two keep. Would you message me and tell me about your "typical" days with times and activities? I think I can help you out, so take a breath, smile and find that endless love in your heart. It will improve, with new challenges on the horizon! Lets put our mommy heads together and help your little boy knock your socks off. :)

Hugs,
L.

You sound exhausted and frustrated, which I'm sure is exactly how you feel. All of us moms who have been through the toddler years with our kids are sending you sympathetic vibes, I assure you.

Some kids are just terrible sleepers. My older son, who is now 10, did not sleep through the night until he was past three. The whole time I was pregnant with his little brother, he was awake for 2-3 hours in the middle of every night: 1-4am, 2-5am, etc. Wide awake. We tried putting him to bed later, earlier, letting him run until he fell down asleep on the living room floor...nothing helped. One day he just got over it. He still has sleep issues from time to time (insomnia, night terrors) but mostly he's sleeping okay.

I'm assuming you've had him evaluated by your pediatrician and they've found nothing wrong. If so, here are a few bits of advice. You may already be doing a lot of this, in which case, well done.

1. I weaned my older son cold turkey at 22 months, because I couldn't take it anymore. He's 10 and would still be on the boob if I hadn't taken it away, I swear. There is nothing wrong with saying "In 3 days...2 days...1 day...nursing will be all gone." Don't feel guilty about it. A year and a half is more than enough to confer the health benefits and a whole lot of sacrifice on your part if you're ready to give it up.

2. If he doesn't want to drink milk of other kinds, who cares? The calcium is the issue. Give him calcium-fortified orange juice, or the calcium gummy supplements that look like bears. Give him cheese. As long as he's getting calcium, he doesn't need milk.

3. Before mealtime, tell him that if he throws food on the floor, the meal is over. When he throws food on the floor - which he will, because he'll test you - take his plate/tray away and clean up. Period. A few times of this, and he'll get the point, even at such a young age.

4. 19 months is still very young re: language. Don't worry if he only has a few words. They will come. Boys almost always develop language later than girls, anyway.

5. Sticker charts for positive behavior work, although he's a little young for them. But remember in general that praise works much better than punishment. When he does something right, be effusive.

6. Hire a babysitter, or trade with another mom, once a week so you can TAKE A NAP. Seriously. It really helps.

7. On sleeping: Blackout shades in the bedroom make a huge difference. A "white noise" machine can drown out ambient noise that wakes some kids up. Make sure middle-of-the-night wakeups are no fun for him - put him right back in his crib, with no words. I'm sure you're already doing that.

Hope some of this helps. We feel for you, really, we do.

Ok you will survive. I noticed you are in covina, if you were closer I would invite you over for coffee and a playdate, so you could relax. I have 3 kids 11 and 9 yr. girls, and a 2 yr old boy. I think at times every mommy questions her skills and knowledge of being a mommy. You need to tackle one obsticle at a time though. You will go insane if you stop nursing, correct sleep ploblems, and all your other battles at the same time. Unless you have an army of soldier mommies there to help you work on 1 thing at a time. I would pick sleep 1st. If you want send me a personal note and we can work on this together and see what you have tried and not tried yet. You cant work on any of these things if your exhausted though. I hope you can get the answers and help you need. Let me know if I can help.

Hi J.,

Hang in there it will all work out fine.

First off I had two non-sleepers, now eleven and seven. They never napped unless they were napping on me. My grandma swore they would sleep hours for her. I caught her one day, baby sound asleep on her lap. She was all sweaty (it was a hot so cal day and she had no air cond). She said he had been asleep for three hours. That was her trick - holding them for hours. Rest assurred, they sleep now. Neither of them have any sleep issues from going to bed on time to getting up.

As for the nursing, my advice is to close up shop. Be firm. No more nursing and stick to it. My daughter was fourteen months and it was more comfort for her than nutrition. Some say the nutrients decrease the longer you go as well. My daughter loved milk so I didn't have an issue with that one. But, my son hated milk and still does to this day. We supplemented by sneaking it into other foods - oatmeal, scrambled eggs (grandma put cottage cheese in the eggs). You can try yogurt etc. If he isn't a milk drinker he will survive there are lots of them out there. :)

And as for food likes and dislikes, kids go in stages.

My biggest advice is don't worry so much. You don't have to be the perfect mom (no one is even if they think they are :)) And, more important your kid doesn't have to be perfect. (None of them are even if their parents think they are). Do your best, do what works for you and do your best.
He won't be so little for very long. You'll make it.

Take care.

C.

Hi there, well I'm glad you're on here looking for advise. It's a lot better to just go put them down in a safe place to calm down then take it out on them. So I hope you get some good suggestions.

Baby doesn't actually need your milk specifically replaced by another milk. My 13 month old won't take milk either and you will find lots have that problem. Just give him other forms of dairy. Then stop nursing. I think a good way (as I'm trying to stop as well) is to stop but then if it starts to hurt in a couple days, nurse once and then stop. Next time it hurts will be maybe 3-4 days and then nurse. Then don't do it again unless it hurts. Or cold turkey, whatever you think is best.

Your son totally has no need to be waking up at night. make sure he gets enough to eat and then don't go in there no matter what (unless hurt of course) until at least 9 hours later(although I say that b/c my baby doesn't seem to need as much sleep as others). Might be hard for 3-4 days but then all your problems will be gone! Make sure your husband is on board too.

good luck!

PS join your local MOMS Club, just look it up on their website... fun and friends for him and you!

My son went on a nursing strike when he was 10 months old, so I can't actually give you advice on weaning. I can only tell you that, if you can make yourself produce less milk, eventually, he will probably stop looking to you for it and lose interest. Have you considered seeking the advice of a lactation consultant? There are likely tricks to weaning that would help.

As for transitioning from breast milk to cows milk, you might want to consider that kids do not actually have to have milk. It may be true that it is a good source of calcium, and kids need that, but they can get calcium elsewhere. My son does not drink milk. In fact, he has some sort of weird aversion to all white foods. Nonetheless, he is healthy.

Hang in there, Mommy. Your babe is at a difficult age, but things will get better.

Yep, we've all been there...I hsd 3 kids under 5 that argues, kicked yelled....finally one hot afternnon I went and sat in the closet...my older son called our neighbor, who suggested they might att read a book until she got there because it sounded like MOM needed quiet. It didn't ever change a lot and I often wondered how on earth I thought I could parent 3 kids..But, my baby is 39 now, we all made it and can often find some humor. It is the hsrdest job in the world and we have zero training got it....C