I Feel like Such a Bad Wife (Kind of Long)

Skip the email. When he comes home go to him. Take his face in your hands, look him in the eyes and tell him that you love him with all your heart and you will be available for him in whatever capacity he needs.
Men work and feel differently that we do. He will deal with this in a different way than you will. All you can do is remember that he will need more understanding from you. He will be grouchy, he will be tired, he will be confused ......... half the time he may not ever know what he is feeling. You need to move on from what has happened (after a face to face appology) and help him deal with what the future will bring. I will pray for you and your family.

Email? Seriously?
You may be on his end of this someday. I think the terminally ill father issue that he's dealing with trumps your feelings of humiliation and disrespect. I'm sure your family realizes he's going through a stressful time and they understand.
You not going to the hospital with him was childish and selfish.

When i read your post the first thing i thought was... maybe he did not want to go to your parents for dinner? Maybe he just wanted to go straight to the hospital? The fact that you did not go is upsetting. He needed you there.

I went through this with my husband. His father passed last year from lung cancer. Please know that they are going to be moody. They have every right to be. What they are going through is horrible. You cannot give him ANY extra stress at this time... including making faces. If you need to vent call your M. or a girlfriend in private. I am sorry that i may sound mean. I am not trying to be. You need to be there for him in any way that you can. If he needs to disappear at the hospital for hours at a time...let him. If he needs to be cranky... let him. You will go through this someday too and are going to want the same support.

Instead of emailing... can you find a moment to sit on the porch and talk to each other? Or take a bath together and talk? You need to be his rock right now.

My first question is, why are you communicating by e-mail? You two should be talking face to face, especially about emotional stuff. The only things that should be done by email or text are unimportant things like "what do you want for dinner tonight" and the like.

When someone has an illness in the family it can be hard. You are doing your best, so just let him know that, and that you need to know if there is something more or specific he needs you to be doing. It can be hard for someone to see outside their own pain sometimes, so do not take his mood personally, but make sure he understands that you are there for him the best way you know how to be, and that if he needs more you will try your best, but you can not read his mind.

Speaking from experience, its so hard to sometimes to act and be loving when your husband is taking his stress out on you. My husband has been under immense stress with our situation and it literally takes every ounce of energy not to blow-up, although sometimes I do. Try sitting down and talking. Go get coffee or make it at home and sit on the couch or the bed and just let it all out (when your daughter isn't around or in bed). Tina is right, men show stress differently, I'm still trying to figure it out.

I would be more sincere then with an email. Make him his fav. meal, or take him out and TALK to him. Tell him you love him and are here. This a hard time for him, he needs alot of support, even when he's being a jerk!

Men and women communicate so differently that they often don't understand each other. Then there's the personal differences in communication style; I have a friend who says, "I'm fine," or "I don't need anything" when what she really wants is for someone to question her further, push harder, and find out what she's really thinking and why she's upset. She feels that only people who don't care would leave it alone and accept her first statement, but people who really love her will care enough to keep digging. When I say, "I'm fine," or "I don't need anything," I truly mean that I'm fine, and I don't need anything. I resent it like crazy if people keep asking and pushing, because to me that would be a sign that they think I'm a liar. Why else would they not take my word, which I've already given?

It seems that by walking away, you thought you were diffusing the conflict and avoiding a fight; it also seems that your husband took that action to mean that you were ignoring him, and didn't care how he felt. While you were terribly hurt by the door slamming, your husband probably thought he was making a good choice by taking his anger out on the door instead of on you. You thought that you were performing a service by keeping stress and conflict away from his family, but your husband probably took your behavior as ignoring a terminally ill man and ignoring everyone else's feelings. Human beings spend a LOT of time misunderstanding each other.

When I'm upset, I really want to be alone. If I have to be around people, I do NOT want to discuss problems, I want to behave as if they're already fixed (because that gives me hope that they won't last forever.) When my husband is upset, he wants to be surrounded by people, ones who are willing to hear his story over and over and console him. Normally, the Golden Rule is a great thing, but in our case, if I leave him alone or if he surrounds me with friends, it actually makes things worse. We have to try very hard to do something that makes no sense to us, because we're having to do exactly the opposite of what we would want in the same situation.

If he's already in counseling for his PTSD, ask if you can come along for a few sessions. If he's not in counseling, try to find some - with everything he has going on, it could be a huge benefit for both of you. Also, there's a lot of books out there, starting with the "Mars and Venus" books, Dr. Laura, and the books that catagorize personality types by color, that will help each of you figure out each other's communication style. There's no "right" or "wrong" in having differences, but each person responds best to their own personal style. Some need to hear, "I love you," while some others respond best to receiving gifts. Some people like notes, and some people find them impersonal. You each need to learn how the other person wants you to respond.

Good luck! You are not a bad wife, and he's not a bad husband - you're just different people.

I'm in agreement with the other responders that email is not the proper way to communicate but if this is how you do it best now, please do not stop. Though work hard at soon having a better verbal way that puts you two face to face. You could progress from email, to phone, to in person.
(Sorry the rest is a long read!)

As for your hubby, he is angry. Based on what little info you could give as obviously this is about a situation and you two have your lives together, I'd presume he is angry about his father's cancer diagnosis. His behavior while not appropriate could be expected and your response while also not appropriate needs to be more forgiving if only for a little while.

I'm certainly not shaming you as you reacted how most people would. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself and only what you knew. Again, my advice is limited to what is included in your question and so I do not know all of your hubby's personality.

Simply put you said your F-I-L was diagnosed with cancer and since about then, your hubby has been moody and stressed. The problem started with him being upset after a short wait time in the car in which you did nothing wrong. Only problem is that his current situation and having 5 minutes alone in the car to be silent and think... well this brought up alot of stuff for his already stressed self to process. You responded well by letting things ride and not jumping back at him when you heard his negative tone but when things dived further down because he is angry. A terrible feeling to have is anger as it is just a protective cover for a more insecure feeling that we are desperately trying to avoid. I'm guessing your hubby has fear behind his anger and when he jumped a second time is SAFE place with the one he loves, you walked away. This may be best for your relationship as again, I do not know your specifics. I'm thinking a hug and a comforting tone of "I love and I'm here for you" may have been needed.
So since his two attempts to get it out, even though not proper ways to communicate but natural ways to try to feel better by spatting with someone else, well you handled yourself well and now he still hadn't worked through anything. His approach was unproductive and he needs to find better ways to initiate processing but then he could use some help processing even if he starts wrong.

So with all that said, he started again what hadn't been finished in front of your family. As for your reason for not wanting others to know your business... semi understandable. You should not divulge your issues to your family as that makes them prejudiced against your spouse as few can separate their feelings at a later date but also, your family can't be ignorant to think you never ever spat. You don't need to announce it upon arrival but tension can always be felt and if addressed or something comes up then you simply acknowledge your a married couple working through a bump. It's no one's business the specifics and if pressed you tell them it's a little bump that occurs in all relationships as every relationship is working partnership of compromise.

Now the real problem started with his inability to communicate healthy with you and I send HUGE kudos for handling yourself so well all along, but the point the things went south was when you refused to go visit your F-I-L.

I always tell people seeking marital advice or even advice with disciplining kids, lets go back over the situation and see what steps happened that led to the problem and then go back through the steps and see what we could have done different at point A, B, C, D, and so on.
So going over your steps... You hubby could have not had a hostile tone upon your getting in the car, he could have not spatted off that rude comment in the car, he could have not had hostility at your parents home and he could have shut the door calmly.... but you too could have not been spiteful in refusing to visit his father. Now I am sure it was not your intent to be spiteful as you stated that you didn't want your fam or F-I-L to know you two were disagreeing but in his eyes you were paying him back and being spiteful. From what I can see here is that he made many mistakes but your response was far more severe and a slap in the face to him.

I'm not saying your hubby was right in his actions but I think he deserves a little sliding room considering how grave his situation became with his dad's diagnosis. I think he needs to have a better communication level with you and might find some counseling helpful. What is going on in his mind is obviously worse than what you are seeing. I hope you find a way to let go of his actions and see that in another time they may have been rude or disrespectful. but in this case they were simply frustration and a poor way to handle himself. He certainly didn't put forth the effort to disrespect you and he is probably hurting at how he was hurting inside but went to dinner with your family and yet you spited him and his ill father by not visiting.

His email is proof he felt you were there before but that this time he felt slighted. Again, this situation with his dad is severe and nothing like what you two have encountered in your past.

Since you two have somewhat communicated, you know that what you have been doing didn't meet his needs this time. Not your fault but since he has eluded to what he needs, you should provide that. This is what relationships are all about. You are not bad, you are learning! Learning is something that never ends as well we all change a little and different situations call for different measures.

So tonight, just apologize for the whole other night. Tell him you didn't know what to do and just didn't want things to escalate. Let him know you really wanted to see his dad but didn't think going over there both tense would help dad out. Let him know in hindsight that you wished you;d have gone as his going alone was probably worse for dad. Let him know that you love him and while you are new to such a grim issue with a loved one, you are willing to learn. That you are not a mind reader and will try to respond appropriately but that if you are not meeting his needs, he will need to ask. That in the future if his anger arises that you will call him on it and when you do say something like, "your angry and it's not really with me, what is it I can do to help because you can't treat me like this and I really want to work through this."

Please whatever you two do, keep communicating via email if that is the only way, but please, please for your sake and role modeling to your children.... learn to talk face to face.

Then lastly, don't beat yourself up over the past, but learn from it. I hope this provides some insight so you can both have a better communication style and that your hubby receives all the support he needs in such a trying time.

God Bless & Many prayers for your F-I-L and family,
-mb

Email is just a bit impersonal. Are you separated? Do you know if the cancer is terminal? The whole grieving process is very personal and everyone has a different approach. 'How can I help?' and 'What can I do for you?' are probably the better things to say right now rather than 'I love you'. If your father were sick and or dying, you might feel something similar, but you might feel different about it, too.

I think if sending e-mails have work for you than that is fine (any kind of communication is better than none) however I have to agree that this is a very special moment and it should be add a lot of physical connection besides the e-mails (I don't know if I wrote right that word?).
I can understand both of you.
When we lost everything my husband was very stress and he just complain and argue, I alwasy kept quit and let him talk, and just let it all out. I never really complain because "I thought" that was my way to help him, by not bringing more stress in the house.
But one day I exploted I mean, I was suffering too, he told me he thought I was stronger and that it wasn't affecting me as much.
So I can see what are you saying about you having feelings.
I also can imaguine how bad he is feeling, his father sickness maybe not just make him sad about loosing his father but also put him thinking what happen if I die, what happen to my family, or many other feelings about dead.
I think it will be many times where you don't do ANYTHING wrong and he will find something wrong, I think this is a way to ask for attention.
I am sure your parents understand what is going on, so don't be embarras about the door.
Unless you guys had problems with anger control, they all would understand.
You may not going to like my advice but I think you should hold on tight, and support him, ask him what he needs, even if he probably will don't know what he needs from you, he will know you care.

Once I hear about an old couple being married for many years, they said that they stay together because when he scream she listen and when she scream he listen.

He was kind of in the wrong with his blow up, but considering the circumstance, you just need to forget about it. He is super stressed right now, so every little thing that doesn't go his way, he will take it out on you because he is closest to you. During this stressful time in his life, I think you just probably need to eat some crow and not take things personally. BUT, do not allow him to be disrespectful to you though. There is a difference.

So, what's with the emailing each other?! You all need to sit down and TALK to each other, face to face, not write each other. writing each other is not the same as talking and crying on ones shoulder. You need to cry together and hold each other and after that you will become so much closer! Good luck during this difficult time!

Oh, and if you were a bad wife, you would not be feeling so bad right now! :)

It seems that you have already identified an area where you can improve your communication. You cannot go back and change what has already happened, but you can make an effort to change moving forward. Make extra efforts to be by his side and for there to be times where you can just listen. Make efforts to step out of your comfort zone for your husband to let him know how important he is to you and that you really do care what is happening with him. Maybe set aside a specific time where the two of you can have one-on-one time. Before bed turn the TV off. A really good book and/or cd set is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It helped me incredibly by teaching me how my husband feels and receives love from me, my children too.

God bless your marriage.

My husband lost his father with cancer while we were married and it was terrible on us because I too didn't know how to show my support. We are still married and stronger than ever but I was wrong by thinking if I didn't mention his dad that it would make him not think of him and that would keep the feelings out of his mind. WRONG!! Since then I have lost my dad and it was a huge eye opener. It's horrible and by talking about that loved one, it makes you feel so much better - like everyone remembers them and they are still part of your lives. Just be honest with him and let him know you don't know what to do (I wish I had done this with my husband during his difficult time and didn't act insensitive by acting like I was doing my best with what I THOUGHT I should be doing). Each day ask him how he is doing, how is his dad doing and is there anything you might be able to do. It's a hard time for you as a M. and wife but men seem to shut down and then explode with emotion with this feeling of loss. Just be VERY patient and let him know you are there but you need his help to tell you what you might be able to do or help with.

People communicate in different ways. I am not one to talk about things that are bothering me. I have to be drawn out, almost forced at times to talk about things. I have no problem expressing emotion, good and bad, or talking about my feelings, I am just not one to talk about something that bothers me. My husband is the exact opposite! He can't keep anything in. He wears his heart on his sleve, it is one of the top reasons I married him. That being said, he always has to ask me what is wrong when he knows something is bothering me. He will say "Amanda, talk to me, tell me what is going on", and I do. We balance eachother out. Maybe your husband needs that from you, maybe just knowing you are there is not enough. I think that is something you could do for him, you seem to want to communicate better. Don't feel bad about yourself, this is a learning lesson in your marriage, a chance to make it stronger! Now go TALK to your husband! :)

Everyone is talking about the email thing, so I will go to the point of him waiting in the car. Why was he waiting in the car and not helping you? My husband does this sometimes and it drives me crazy!!! We are about to run errands and I am trying to get the kids shoes on/drinks/etc/bags, and he's sitting in the driveway with the car running....that really irks me.

Or, was he saying H., let's go, H. lets wrap it up, H. it's getting late....let's go back to the night and figure out if you were dismissing him because you were too busy hanging out with M. and dad after he already wanted to go to the hospital, or if he just expects you to know everything he is going through....

My husband knows now that if he wants to get a move on somewhere, he needs to make a better effort of getting everyone in the car. Maybe that is what happened, and you can suggest that to him for next time instead of waiting for you. Men would wait for women forever if they didn't step in now and again.