my fil has not seen his own son in last 3 years and our son - his only grandson only once since he was born in 2008. v live in the same country. mil passed away many years ago. while she was trhere and since her, many women have come and gone and an year ago - without inviting or telling his only son and living child, he married a women we have known off and on to be with him.
last week, he invited us to meet and within last day or two, multiple emails transpired and he has changed his mind to meet again - my husband feels let down and had given up hope anyhow. to me, it feels he is an alcholic and his girlfriend/ now wife is pretty insecure. they enjoy tormenting us and this time, our 4and a half year old who is ore aware - feels left out too as we had told him that v'll be seeing grandpa this week - what do u feel or i should just protect him and stop hoping for this family to be together ever
i am new here..thanks to all 3 responses. v visited them while staying in a hotel nearby 3 years ago and it wasn't well recieved. we were not expecting dinner/ invite to stay but just to see how he was doing. nervous - i don't think so. he enjoys putting his son down. my husband is not too keen to renew ties but he loves him and cares for him. i liked that last suggestion that next time, v don't tell our son till v r meeting. so far, whenever v have invited him, either he makes an excuse, or says he'll come and changes his mind last minute. i am from a warm close knit family but they all live abroad. my h8usband only has his father and i always hoped it will jell. his sister passed awaya while ago too and his new wife has made him sell their old home and move far. anything else u guys need to know.
I'm sorry your son and husband were so disappointed.
I think if I were you, I would encourge my hubby to just let it go. It doesn't seem like anything is going to change and there doesn't seem to be any point in trying.
You are a family - you, your hubby and your son. If FIL cant get his act together, well then he is missing out. My FIL was an abusive alcoholic most of his life and he only met his grandson twice before he died last year. The first time was an accident - he had traveled from NC to MD to see his wife's grandsons bar mitzvah and we happened to be there. He would not have even stopped at our house to see us. Then he saw him when he was very sick and we traveled to NC so my husband could see him and other family before he passed. I guess what I am trying to say is its his loss. Your son wont really miss what he never knew. In the future I would not tell him about any planned visits until you have confirmation that they are in the car and on the way. That way if they flake out, no harm done. Some people are just crappy people. Sorry your FIL (and mine) are part of that group.
Did I get this right? Father in law's wife passed away, he has seen many women, hasn't seen your husband in three years or your son at all, gets married, wants to see everyone, changed his mind and you are confused? I know i AM. Where does this man live? He is probably nervous and feeling guilty. Set up a plan with your husband, and just go-pop in and be nice and that's it.Unless he lives miles away, then take a vacation somewhere near him sometime, plan other activities and make a visit to him part of a quick visit. Take it from there. Somehow though I don't see any information about you and so I am a little skeptical...need more information please
You can talk to your husband about it and come up with a plan together if he is willing. You may not be on the same page and then there is nothing much you can do. The relationship between father and son is complicated, and you can encourage your husband to allow distance, but he will still want his Dad's approval.
I would suggest your husband go visit his Dad on his own once or ask his Dad to meet him on neutral ground for a father-son time. That may help your husband clarify his feelings about his Dad a little.
This is a sad story. It sounds like his father is a nasty, mean man. It also sounds like the new wife is part of this because she doesn't want her husband to leave his son any money in the will. She probably figures that if he has a relationship with his son, she won't get all his money.
I think that your son needs to tell his dad in a final email that if he wants to contact him, to send a real letter through the mail. Then block his email. This emailing back and forth gives your FIL too much power. Perhaps if the FIL has to go to the trouble of writing a real letter and waiting for it to be delivered, and waiting for a response from his son (if any response is to come), he might think twice before jerking your husband around.
And yes, like you mentioned, never tell your son what is going on with grandpa.
Your family is close-knit. They need to take the place of your FIL in your husband's heart. Spend a good amount of time with them instead. Your FIL sounds poison to your husband. He doesn't need this.
Btw, ask your husband if YOU can read his father's letters first. That way, if it's full of nastiness, just tell him that he doesn't want to read it, and throw it away. If it's NOT a nasty letter, give it to him. That way, you are protecting him.
Dawn
Your post is very confusing, but I'm guessing English is not your first language.
I understand that your father-in-law has been estranged from the family completely for three years. He cheated on your mother-in-law while she was alive, and he's been a womanizer ever since she passed away. He married recently without inviting his own son but extended an invitation to reconnect, and then rescinded the invitation seemingly (per your post) out of nowhere.
Okay. I think that maybe during the back and forth e-mails, something was said between your husband and father-in-law that was upsetting. That sounds most likely.
I doubt that he would just back out for no reason at all. I think that guilt is what made him extend the invitation in the first place, or his new wife did. So it had to be something in the e-mails. A fight, maybe?
I don't understand why you're assuming he's an alcoholic or his new wife is insecure based on what you wrote. None of that insinuates anything like that to me.
I do think all you need to tell your son is that the visit has been put on hold for now because Daddy's father has decided that "now" is not a good time for a visit after all. That's it. And don't tell him about any more planned visits until it's the day before you leave and you know for sure you'll be visiting.
