I Don't Know What to Do...

Look L. you and your husband did the right thing. First, be glad that your husband stood up for you. So many men out there are not willing to back their wives to family because they're afraid of conflict. Second, your BIL and SIL sound like real idiots to me! Some people have a real gift for turning things around in their favor and these two take the prize. So..that said, you will not "win" with them so stop trying. You are not cut from the same cloth. Some people are pure poison and sometimes it takes a situation like this to find that out. Hold your head up high at family functions and behave like a NORMAL human being and everyone will see the truth and see them for what they are. Don't play into their drama.
Your children are fine. They're probably better off without the drama. Children are very resilient and they are also very good at figuring out what/who causes tension (even at that age). Lastly, you should try to get stronger. Don't let these people impact you to the point that you're sick with worry. It's not worth it. Perhaps a really good book on self esteem is in order. Toughen up by taking care of yourself and developing self assurance and self confidence. Stop letting people run rough all over you. If you don't people AND family members will continue to take advantage of you. Remember your only responsibility is the health and well being of your immediate family especially your children. Be a strong role model for them. Take control! Good Luck and let us know how it works out.

L.,
One thing that shows to me that they don't recognize their fault is that she says "I am sorry you feel this way", blaming you, even thought you were not the one who started the whole thing. Usually, they won't blame their own (your husband)because it is too hard to do that. But, don't worry, just think that you are right and your are doing the right thing by telling them how do you feel. If it makes you feel better to be close to them and to have your kids playing and be close to their family, just be the smart/grown person and ask them what they want you to do. If they want you to apologize or I don't know watch their children again just work out a schedule that won't disrespect you, do it at your own time. Just don't keep quiet while you feel so bad and are not happy with yourself (your husband sent the emails, not you). I had issues with my sil but I understood that everything came out of her not being able to deal with her own problems and her jealousy of my husband, they have always have issues and she doesn't know how to deal with them. I have a happy family and I won't let their problems interfere with that, you should do the same. Even if you apologize for you and your husband, don't let them take advantage of you and your time. If you need the money they pay you work out a schedule that is right for you. I had issues with my sister too about taking care of my niece who has behavior problems, I did it until I couldn't take anymore and she was upset, but, I have to take care of myself and my family FIRST.

Hope this is understandable, work things out with your family, they should not be out of your life if you can work it out. And..don't let pride interfere, please.

J.

Hi L.,

Well i dont think you have done anything wrong. I am glad your husband is on your side....that really helps.
You know guys say whatever and maybe he feels like they are selfish.....sounds like they might be a little selfish with "your time."

i have babysit for my sisters and even if you are getting paid; they should give you a time they will be there and actually be there.

I am sure you have other things to do than babysit. maybe you have plans of you own. go out to dinner, watch a movie, or just sit on the couch with your husband; that is your business and if someone is soposed to be there at 6pm. they should be there. of course there are time that you may get stuck in traffic(but not everyday)

and i dont know if you are watching the child all day but when i was watching my sisters 2 kids all day ....come 6pm i was done.( i can see why daycare charge those late fees...they want to go home)
and even if its for the evening people should have enough Respect to pick a time and stick by it; its just the right thing to do.

Now as far as making up with family...i would let a little time pass. it sounds like your problem will be with your SIL. unfornunatley women are the worst and can hold grudges big time. and i dont think you owe her an apology because you did nothing wrong. she got defensive because she knows your husband email was the truth. I agree you cannot keep explaining your self; it wont help.

Maybe you can tell her you are a family and you would like to put this behind and get back to being civil to each other....especially for the kids. and just dont ever bring it up; unless they ask you to babysit. then make sure they give you a time and stick by it or you Cant do it.
And keep praying because noboby can help you with your problems like GOD can. He has all the answers.

I wish you the best of luck in this very difficult situation.
God Bless
S.

I just had to go back to your original post to get a better sense of what was happening.
They were totally taking advantage of you! You are being way too nice. I am not a vindictive person, but I can't believe the lack of courtesy and communication that they should have afforded you.
Have they ever offered to watch your children so that you two could get some things done or had an evening to yourselves?
This goes both ways and it was clearly one-sided.
The sad thing is that all the children suffer from adults doing stupid things.
Are the grandparents aware of what goes on? Maybe hearing an opinion of what is happening from one of them may make some impact on the in-laws.
Try not to beat yourself up, because you did not one thing wrong (except stand up for yourself more). Just let time pass and things will occur as they will. It is up to them to see the light. You have tried to apologize and got no rational responses. So, just go on with your life and enjoy your children now that you can do more with them.
It will get better!
As far as get togethers, I agree with one of the other posters who said just go and be yourselves. You should not be denied being with other family members just because they are there.
Maybe, again, if other family members know what is happening, they can drop hints to your in-laws about their bad behavior.
Best of Luck to You and Your Family!

I disagree with Rebecca and Tammy. I do not think reasonable logic or adult conversation will change anything. If anything, I think it will make you more frustrated when it does not work. You were upset because of the way that your family was insensitive to your feelings and you felt they were taking advantage of you. It was bothering you in a way that you did not want to continue to be treated that way and you/husband let the offenders know. They do not appear ready to change at this time. You may just have to be apart for a while. Blood is thicker than water is a bit misleading, but can go both ways. You should not tolerate constant mistreatment from anyone, regardless of who they are. Family should go out of the way to make sure that the members feel loved and respected. You tried to bring legitimate feelings up and they were not receptive. You tried to clarify the situation, and that was not effective. Do not let this make you so upset. Realize that it is out of your hands. Go on about your daily life, don't worry about the family meetings. You did nothing wrong, get rid of the guilt you are carrying. When they have time to cool off and get a better look at the situation things will be better worked out. After all, if they are never going to change and will continue to take advantage of you, and now accuse you of having deep seeded problems, do you really want to continue in a close relationship with these people? Family or not, enough is enough. Keep praying, God will point you in the right direction for you and your family if you give Him enough time. Sometimes a spirit of forgiveness is more soothing for the offended than it is for the offender.

In the middle of all this, don't forget to finally finally FINALLY get out there and have some great (and overdue) adventures with your kids! Times like these, for me, always make me spend way too much time wallowing around the house, reeling with worry. A change of scene--even if it's just playground time in this fabulous weather, will refresh you and lift you up above your circumstances for awhile. Your 4-year-old, especially, has probably been craving this for a good long time. Getting out there and exploring will make both children smarter, too.

If you live in the Orlando area and need some ideas, you might want to visit this previous post: http://www.mamasource.com/request/15249389037820051457 . It's full of good, cheap fun!

(Meanwhile, whatever advice you take, don't let up on the prayer. That still needs to be #1! God can change people like nothing else could ever do--read the story of Saul/Paul in Acts--deadly persecutor to gung-ho spokesman is no meager transformation! What you can do, be sure to do. What you can't do, hand over to God--and thank Him ahead of time for what He's already setting in motion to heal this precious family of yours!)

WOW! I can just sense the sadness and frustration in your request. I'm sure many people will write back with the same advice that I'm about to give you. First, what has been said and done is in the past now, it can't be changed so try to focus on the now! It seems from what you expressed that there were some things exchanged via email that were hurtful to both parties. Now that some time as passed maybe trying to revisit what happened in person and apologize for what has happened. If you have tried this already or they refuse to meet with you then all you can do is try to communicate your sincere feelings in a card or email. If they choose not to respond, it is completely out of your hands and you have made every effort to salvage your relationship. Some people just need time. We are all human and make mistakes. Unfortunately, we tend to take advantage and say things we don't mean to the people who are closest to us. I know what it is like to have the "ache" in the pit of your stomach that won't go away, so do everything you can to help make it better. Life is way too short to hold grudges and be angry. Try to make peace with it in your own way and hopefully your family will come around. Good luck L.! Sincerely, M.

L., I've read some of the advices and I have to tell you, you need to take the ones that better suit your character. You deserve your quality fun time with your own children, and they deserve nothing less. But, was this the 1st time either in-law got a sense that you were disatisfied? Maybe they were caught off guard and the emails were a rude awakening. My advice to you is to do what you feel capable of doing. What ever you do next, is going to take guts, but it should be an extension of your personality, not someone else's. Do you feel comfortable severing your relationship for good? Do you feel confortable ignoring the situation and betting that time will take care of things, or do you feel that you should attempt to make ammends (not for their sake, but for your own inner peace)? From what I've read, it appears as you are the type of person that is weighed down by turmoil. YOU are the one that has to live with yourself. If you are strong enough to be done with them and never look back, and feel comfortable with it, excellent! If that is the case, though, then you should do it because you feel apathetic, and wouldn't care either way, whether they are part of your lives or not. If on the other hand, you are going to stew over the situation for years and feel uncomfortable at family gatherings (which you should definitely not stop attending!), then they would've won...because the end result is that YOU will be punishing yourself for years... because you'll be the one annoyed, hurt, and unhappy. They are really not worth the trouble. I say, forget about how THEY feel. They got what they deserved. You on the other hand, have to do what it takes to make yourself feel at ease. This is not about them. It's about YOU! If that means, talking to them to clear the air one last time, then do it. Let them know that you "need to make amends with "yourself" and provide a less stressful environment for yourself, husband and children. That stress played a factor in the miscommunication and that you wish to apologize for the way it may have come out. However, the stress was very real, and you would like to acknowledge that you are all adults and most of all family and you wish to move forward." (Do not rehash the specifics of the arguments, feelings etc. it will only make it worse. Keep your discussion, down to about 5 minutes" They may choose to see it as an apology, even though they'll know in their hearts it really isn't. But since they seem a bit imature, that may be all it takes to help your relationship be more civil. Don't expect to hug it out right away...it may take time to heal the wounds, but this may be a start. I don't think that you should agree or volunteer to ever watch their kid anymore..at least not regularly and not for a long time to come. If they still chose to act like children and not agree to let it go, then you can live with yourself knowing you are at peace with your soul and move on. My bet is that sooner or later they will come around because you were the adults with common courtesy who never held a grudge. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do. PS: On a positive note, think how free you now are to spend your extremely valuable time (more than any $) with your wonderful kids!

I am really not sure what to say, other than keep praying and ask for a meeting with just the adults present. Write out a list of what you want discussed, they can do the same. And the silly part is make rules you all can agree on before you meet, ex-like 5 min per point, no interupting kind of thing, and the other person has a rebuttle per say after. Also a great rule is "no insults" like calling someone stupid or a bad name. Use words like "I feel like I have been disrespected"...NOT "you disrespected my....". When you say "you did..." it tends to feel like treat an an attack and most people will not own up to much, especially at the time.

I know all this is very Oprah ish, but it does work better. And some things even don't change right away, they can take time to heal. But it is worth it. You might not change how they feel but you will change how you do over time. And yes a third party does sometimes help, but the third party should not take sides, just enforce rules kind of thing.
And I will pray for your situation too. Good luck.

I think that thjeh situation, as sad as it is, is causing a strain on not only your relationship with you husband and you but also on the effect it is having on the children, they are cousins adn that is their aunt and uncle as you are their childrens aunt and uncle. They should just find another babysitter and so should you. This is causing stress in your life that can easily be avoided by finding otehr means of childcare, find a teenager in the neighborhood that can watch the kids for a few hours one night and take you BIL and SIL out to dinner and talk things out together like adults and in public so there is less likely to be a lot of shouting. Sometimes it is difficult for siblings as they are used to seeing the other under the influence of their parents and not as much in the role as adult/spouse/parent. So maybe ini a more "mature" setting (i.e. resteraunt, bar, lounge) things can be better discussed through and through and a communication barrier can be broken down. Maybe you guys can become better friends again, but just rememerb you are family FIRST and never mix business with personal relationships-NEVER! I supose everyone has tolearn it the hard way though. Good Luck--C

Sorry to confuse you and contridict what others have advised, but I would NOT wait and give things time to cool down!!! I have found with family conflict, the longer you wait, the more people will stew over things and the harder it is to make things right again. Every family is different, but in my family, the way we move on after a blow up is face to face, apologize that things got to the way they are--notice I did not say to apologize for anything you did if you don't think you did anything wrong- carefully word the apology so you are saying something truthful from the heart-- What I would do in your situation is CALL (STOP THE EMAILS!!!!!!! THEY ARE A HORRIBLE WAY TO COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS AND VERY OFTEN CAN GET YOU IN TROUBLE!!!) and see if they will get a sitter and have a dinner out with just the adults. At dinner, you don't have to rehash anything if you feel it will get you no where or into deeper problems, so all you have to do is say you are sorry things have exploded and turned into the way things are now, but as family you want to know where to go in order to start with a clean slate and move on from here-- that puts the ball in their court. At that point, THEY will look like the "bad" ones because you have made it clear that you are ready to move ahead and if they don't then they should be the only ones who feel uncomfortable at future family events because you know you did everything in your power to give it a shot-- the same is true if you invite them and they refuse to have dinner with you in the first place

I understand what it means to have a rift in your family. My sil and brother were insainely jealous over the attention my daughter got, because they lived in Rome, Georgia and we lived here close to mom and dad. I can only say that time will make it happen. Being friends again. My sis and I wrote emails to him, tried to talk to him and whatever else. It just took time. (over a period of a year)

You can't take back what you said, as it is truly what you meant so don't regret that. Good luck!
Jen

In my humble opinion, your first mistake was trying to express your feelings acurately through email. Forgive me, but you and your husband both need to be a little more adult about this and express your feelings to your BIL and his wife in person. We have a tendency to use email these days for confrontations that we are uncomfortable with because there is a physical disconnect which makes it somehow less stressful and less threatening. We also have a tendency to say things in email that we would never say in person, and this is NOT a good thing when those things are hurtful. Also, because of the physical disconnect, there is so much potential for miscommunication because body language and tone are a huge part of understanding interpersonal communication. If I had to put money on it, I would guess that the reason your message about your feelings was misconstrued was because it was delivered via email. You have a right to feel what you feel. But,you also have an obligation to own your feelings and express them productively and without fear, shame or guilt if you want to make progress in resolving the situation. Set up a time to meet with your BIL and SIL to discuss this issue face to face, like adults.

hi L., alot of you will probably diagree with me and i respect that but i feel i need to respond honestly... i had problems with certain members of my family and in the end realized no matter how much i said sorry or tried to explain my feelings, they just thought they were right and would'nt listen. in the end, i realized it would be better FOR MY KIDS if i just removed them from our life as sad as that was for me to do. that was 10 years ago and i don't regret my decision. the emotionally healthy relatives are still there and the ones that are'nt have not been around to hurt us. i wish it could've been different but my kids are definitly better for it. 10 years later they totally understand and are even greatful. i'm not saying this would be right for you and yours but it was for us

L. ,

There is a great book called " Boundaries " written by Dr. Henry Cloud that I recommend to you and I think you should by all means buy it , read it , and then apply it to your relationships , especially with these people because they are not respecting your boundaries.
I couldn't find anything related to this issue in your link , but just based on what I've just read , I think you and your husband are going to have to stand your ground. if they want to act juvenile and spiteful , there is nothing you can do. You cannot control them. You and your husband did the right thing by addressing the issue with them , and it isn't your fault that they could not accept it and change their behavior.
They are trying to guilt-trip you and manipulate you so that they can continue to behave selfishly , and if you give in , the behavior won't stop and you'll still be miserable.
Sometimes people have to miss things before they appreciate them , and sometimes even when they realize what has happened , they're too small a person to admit it. If that's the case , just move on. YOU have no reason to feel awkward at family functions ... heck , act normally and smile !
You did the right thing !
~ A.

First let me say that it's wonderful your husband supports you and I agree that you have done nothing wrong. Many times family members take each other for granted and favors become expectations. I have been in your shoes and could not speak up either. However, the problem may be your form of communication. I would wait a few days for things to cool down and then try talking over the phone, or preferrably in person. It is very easy to misread emotions and thoughts in an email and a lot easier to get your point across while speaking. Know that you are right and use that as your source of confidence. You are person with rights and feelings and you are just as important as anyone else. When we make ourselves inferior so will others. Try to re-establish the relationship making everyone's expectations clear. Good luck.

That is the PROBLEM with emails. You cannot "read" emotions.

Emails don't convey emotions and it is very easy to misinterpret things without the additional voice inflections and such that you get from verbal conversation.

That's why I would suggest coming together face to face and explaining yourselves so that everything is out in the open on the table.

Hire a sitter and have dinner together. Be adults and talk your problems and issues through. If you think emotions might get fired, then see about getting a mediator, an unbiased friend or family member. For your children, try to get along.

Its unfortunate when things happen due to misunderstandings on both sides (this has happened to me plenty of times via emails also).

Try and talk it out as adults. Life is too short to hold grudges.

HTH

I agree with Tammy F. You need to meet with them soon and carefully apologize. Make it clear that you want to move on. You need to build a solid family and ignoring the problem will only break it down. Solve the problem with an apology and start to build again. I hope this helps. I will pray for you.

I think you are making the situation worse than it really is by thinking about it too much. You need to focus on what kind of relationship you want with your inlaws, not what you don't want. Then pick up the phone and talk to them instead of email. Ask them for forgiveness, invite them over for dinner, offer to babysitt and explain what your limits are. Focus on the positive. Tell them the things you appreciate about them.

Check this video out from the video store this weekend, it's called "The Secret". Also read "The Power of Intention" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. It will totally change the way you look at things.

L.,

I know where you are coming from...I was just dealing with a situation like this with my mom! I prayed and just decided that instead of making this situation drive me crazy, due to miscommunication, I gather all my guts and called her. I explained to her that life is too short and that she is an intricate part of my family and that I did not want my children to grow up not knowing her. She was not very receiving of the things I said but I know she heard me and that she will probably just "squash" this bitterness! I really think you should meet face to face with the In Laws and pour out how you feel! If they try to turn things around and blame you, at least in your heart you know that you did what you needed to do! Also i they say that the forgive you and want to put everything behind them and start over...you need to do that, but with caution! By this I mean don't say yes everytime they ask you to watch their children, say no sometimes. Tr not to let this situation determine how you treat them and their children! Once this whole situation passes and you all move on then you set your boundries and I am sure things will work out!
Do what is right for you and your family....you have to live with yourself and your family, no one else!

~ J.

L.,

Well you sound much like me. There have been so many times that I have helped people out only for things to backfire leaving me standing there asking - what did I do wrong? I have finally realized that I didn't do anything but let myself be taken advantage of. Family is family and that will never change. I think that if you have already send you SIL an e-mail and got a negative response then I would leave it alone for now. Of course it hurts for people to hear the truth sometimes but you were only sticking up for youself and maybe some time away will give your SIL time to realize how much you did for them. Daycares charge late fees by the minute and that can really add up for them. So maybe they need to see the little things you did that really didn't seem little to them. I'm sure family gatherings will be diffucult until they realize how they've been (or if they realize at all). I would just try to be polite and try to talk to them as if things were still okay. Try not to let them hurt your feelings if they aren't as pleasant back though. I had to change a bit myself. I haven't stopped doing nice things for people but I have learned to say "no" to things that I used to say "yes" to. It's better to be up front about things so that I'm not the one unhappy about helping someone out. Don't beat yourself up over this but try to give it some time. I know it's easier said then done. Good Luck!!

i would give it time to cool off, she will see that there is noone out there as good at watching her kid than you. I'm sure it could have been handled better, but you know men.....it will work out, just give it time. I am so sorry this happened. Family is the worst sometimes when it comes to business, i can attest to that sister!
good luck hun and hang in there. you did the right thing.