I Am Invisible

have a serious conversation with him about how he is disrespecting and imbarrassing YOU. explain that you could have people complain to defax about unfit parents-maybe that will get his attention!

WOW!!! Okay I have to say that if that word EVER came out of my daughter's mouth and I found out that she had heard it from her daddy...boy oh boy would there be some fur flying. Actually when I first met my husband he would use that word and his family still does. However, they have all come to clearly understand that that word is never ever used in my house or in my presence. Sorry that is one word that I will absolutely not tolerate. We do not even cuss around my daughter and never have.

I would have a strong talk with your husband and make sure that he listens, yell and scream if you have to but make sure he understand that this is not acceptable behavior for an adult.

I would explain to your daughter gently that this is a very bad word and that it can be a very hurtful word. You understand that she heard it from her daddy and daddy was wrong to say it. Let her understand that even though daddy said it he was wrong. Maybe if she starts telling him that his words are bad he will get the point.

As far as the comment that someone made about feeling that you were making a joke out of this, I got the complete opposite feeling. I felt that the exclamation points were put as almost that you were surprised that her daddy had taught her this. I do not feel that you are making light of the situation and feel that you are probably taking the situation very seriously or you would not have posted. Just wanted you to know.

Good luck with this and I would sit down privatly with your husband and explain to him that not only is this type of language inappropriate but it also puts you and your daughter in very akward situations when she repeats things that she has heard.

Good luck and good for you for trying to straighten out your husbands bad influences.

M. N.

Just thought that I would ask this. When my 4 1/2 year old daughter asked me what color she was I told her that she was skin colored. She then at a later time asked me what color one of her friends at school was (the friend happens to be black...her school is well diversified.) and I told her that her friend was also skin colored. She asked me why the friend was so dark and I told her that some people have a darker skin color than others but that we are all just skin colored. Just thought that I would share that.

M. N.

sorry to hear that your husband doesnt take being a good role model seriously..it's sad to say but some people have just grown up where those types of words are commonly used..maybe just explain to him over and over if you have to that it isnt
good at all to use that word around your child,because they will always repeat what their parents or elders say. although she probably doesnt know what she said is wrong I would just try to explain the best you can that that is a hurtful word.
unfortunatel I had t ohave many many talks with my hubby about his "fat" comments but he fianally got it after our littlest daughter told her aunt daddy said you have to loose weight! etc...so they will repeat "everything" they are like little sponges you can fill them with love+kindness or prejudice I suppose..thankfully your daughter has a mother like you that is concerned! pray about it and ask the lord to guide you in what to say to your husband..I will also pray for you and your situation . god bless you!

Hi N. -

I actually read your post last evening and prayed very hard before deciding to respond to it today. My initial reaction to your dilemma was rage at the idea of a father actually teaching his young daughter how to hate and hurt. Now, after some thoughtful time and prayer, I have this to say.

First, are you absolutely certain that your daughter is telling you the truth? Kids at her age don't know the difference between truth and lies, and she may have just
"blamed" Daddy for something because he's in her immediate circle. She could've very well heard the word from TV or even from someone else (an older cousin, maybe another adult relative, or even from someone in passing at a store). The bottom line is, find out if your husband did in fact teach her to use this word in context. You can do this by simply asking him, not accusing him.

You mentioned your concern that he's teaching her things that are highly objectionable to you, so my inclination is to assume that this is just another example. However, you also described your husband as "wonderful," which puzzles me because I don't know any bigot who's "wonderful." No matter how good of an actor a person is, he/she can't hide inherent bigotry for long...if your husband truly is a bigot, you would know by now. The bigger question is, "How are you going to handle this truth?"

I've always subscribed to the belief that a person's true nature is revealed not in how he/she treats YOU, but he/she treats OTHERS. People can be Mr. or Mrs. Charming when they want to be, but if in general, they subscribe to some archaic belief and practice of hate based on color, religion, or creed, that's really WHO they are: HATERS.
If your husband is a "hater," then you have a much bigger problem on your hands because hate, by its very nature, can manifest itself into negative physical reaction. I would be very wary and very vigilant going forward about your husband's behavior if he is in fact a "hater."

I agree with another mom's advice, talk to your husband in a peaceful way about how you feel regarding this issue. If he is a bigot, ask him to explain why he feels the way he does (and by the way, there is no valid reason for bigotry), and ask him to cease and desist teaching your daughter how to hate because it will ultimately backfire on her as well as make you lose respect for him - a very key component in a happy and successful marriage. Another mom is very correct in suggesting that you could BOTH possibly get in trouble by an outside agency for influencing your daughter in such a negative way - him for teaching hate and you for not doing anything about it. Social agencies don't take too kindly to the subscription and practice of racial or socio-economic bigotry.

For those moms out there who are justifying the use of the "N-word" as something that's part of the vernacular a person may have grown up with, that's a very lame excuse. Once a person is old enough to know right from wrong (as early as five), this word should be stricken from his/her vocabulary no matter who uses it in the family. There is NO excuse for hate and there is NO valid reason to ever indulge in or teach racial slurs to children.

I'll continue praying for you, N.. Blessings to you and yours.

Dont worry about the park incident...My extended family is mixed and we openly discuss our different colored skin and NEVER ignore the fact that some of us are white (and proud) and some are black (and proud). With open discussions on race, my daughter has made racial comments in front of strangers not knowing any better (embarrassing isnt it?!)-kids are honest & dont know better. Kids are the product of their home. If hubby isnt listening to your request - sadly, your child will learn the hard way through experiences with other kids and adults, she'll figure out what can & cant be said- I would quietly apologize when these mishaps occur & later on explain the rules in private as not to humiliate her. Daddy may say things but that doesnt mean its ok for her to say. Remind your hubby that he is putting HER in a bad situation by not teaching her manners. You say "I am Invisible" so if you are not feeling heard & validated this issue is way more than the park incident. Take him out to dinner & tell him what you are thinking-make him see and hear you.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It's hard when you can't get your point across with men isn't it? Unfortunately, there is only so much you can do about his behavior. You can't change him, but you can change how you react. Maybe you haven't been adamant enough (or loud enough) about the situation? I would say if you can't get your point across, you will just have to go behind him and explain to your little girl that everyone is different and some people just never learned to behave properly. You can still teach her love and tolerance. It is just going to be A LOT harder!

Some things you have said seem to contradict themselves. When I think of a person who refers to another person in that way I do not think about a wonderful and great husband I think of someone who is prejudice and narrow minded. I am sure you knew your husband before you guys got married so you must have known his beliefs and attitude towards other people so I am surprised that you seem shocked by it, obviously it didn't affend you when you guys dated. I feel sorry for your child because she is hearing things no child should have to hear. You need to teach your child about love, that all people are equal and that no one should call other people names because it can hurt someone feelings. And obviously you need to teach your husband the same thing. This is not a little problem nor is it about you being ignored it is about your daughter and what a detrimental effect this is going to have on her. You need to sit down with your husband and let him know this isn't okay nor will it be tolerated. You need to talk to your daughter seriously and explain to her why saying stuff like that is not appropriate and how hurtful it can be. The best thing you can teach your daughter is about love and respect not about nasty words or being prejudice. You can't stand by and let this happen to your child, she deserves better and so do those people who have to hear those nasty comments. Don't continue to expose your child to the world of hatred and prejudice instead lead her in the ways of God and pray your husband will follow.

Given that I don't know all aspects of your sitation, I would say after the munchkin has gone to bed, corner your hubby and tell him you want to be included in decisions made about the upbringing of your daughter. Tell him you feel like motherhood has run away from you and you're jealous he gets to make all the decisions! I don't know what sort of man he is, but that will make him feel guilty about not including you. Tell him you feel left out and address the issues at hand, what he has taught that you don't approve of, why you don't approve. Come with ammo that he can't shoot down, do go at it willy-nilly without good resources. If there's no real reason not to teach a child something he has taught her, leave it alone. However, using language like that can and will get her into a lot of trouble down the line, anything from school suspensions to getting beat up. Explain to him that there are real life consequences to the things taught to your daughter. My hubby and I decided from the get-go that we would never undermine one another in front of our daughter, but that we would always discuss an issue in private should one arise. He is a man of schedule, he's firm but fair. I am a mom of choice, and we were having nap issues with our daughter, he went and put her down when she was being cranky, I wanted to feed her so when she did fall asleep she would stay asleep. Long story short, we discussed it and it worked out, but you have to communicate privately about your differences in parenting, not undermine to your child. I say like above, wait till the munchkie is sleeping then pin him down and talk to him. My $.02.

as a mother of bi-racial children this truly saddens me.i have been on the other side of the fence on this, as my daughter has come to me because someone else has called her the N word. i had to explain to her that not everyone is intellegent, and that unfortantully some people HATE just based on the color of skin, not on the inside. that was a hard conversation to have. god forbid your daughter carries that on into school, and gets repremanded, or worse, all because of what her father has taught her. if he wont listen to you, then your first priorty is to teach ypur child that that is not something that she should be saying. it is hard, with her only being 2, but you have to make her understand. something i would be worried about is what your husband is teaching your daughter-period. hate can be imbedded at a very young age, and it is very hard to reverse that. my step father was VERY Prejudice and thank god i had other influnces around me. that is a road you do not want your child going down.

as for him not hearing you- sounds like a typical man, but you need to make him hear you. let him know this is something you are not playing about. i hate to say it, but if he has different belifes then you, it more then likley wont change. how did you not know his feeling on this before now? bottom line is this- do you want your children growing up learning these kids of lessons? it is sad to say, but could you imagane her coming home from school one day, with a black eye or something becuse she said the wrong thing to the wrong person? it wont stop with the N word, hate manifests itself into other things, next she will be making fun of everyone that is not just like her. nip it in the butt now, or there will be hell to pay later. i think that the fact that you asked for advise says alot. first that you dont agree with it and second that you want it to stop, now it is up to you to make it stop. if you sit back and do nothing- you are as much to blame as he is.

Hollo N.,
My name is T. And I am white and my boyfriend of 2 years now has 2 girls 8 and 3 who are black as well and I spend a lot of time with them. I dont no how to respond on his choice of words but I can say that the old saying "dont judge a book by its cover" I do find that something so simple as that quote not many people understand the meaning when it comes to people. He may of had a bad encounter with some one at one time or another but be black or white those encouters will happen and your daughter should not have to learn his choice of words at such a young age. This is a world of love and to know all no matter what. We are americans who help provide people in need no matter what color thay are. If your husband has ever served in the military he had fought for the black people as well as white whether he realizes it or not. Your daughter does not know that but as long as he keeps putting word in her mouth like that she will never know the truth and be able to learn about other cultures of life if there is natativity in her vocabulary. Maybe you can get her a childs book that teaches her that we are all alike in many differant ways but we are still our own individual unique person. Good luck and I hope that some day he will realize that if it is his way then so be it but his little does not have to grow up in the past like he did. We are the past and our children are our future. They are the ones who will have control when we are older. All I can say is keep doing what you are doing and she will learn through you and some day she will understand the mommy was right.

Hello! I would suggest talking with her dad again, and really try to get through to him. Maybe you and your husband can go out somewhere that you both like, and just express your views. The best thing to do, is to show your husband love,and let him know your concerns. Also, children tend to observe our actions as well. Make sure you let your daughter know, what's right, and what's wrong. If nothing else work, just pray about it. People alot of times don't mean any harm, so just do your best to get through to your husband. God Bless your family!

Wow, N., hard situation to be in. However, through my experience in my relationship with my husband. I would advise you to stick to your guns on things that you feel are most important in raising your daughter to be a great human being who is capable of compassion, love and understanding. Obviously, the race issue is very important since none of us are raised in a bubble anymore and racial intolerance is not warranted for any reason. I hope that you took that moment with your daughter as a teachable moment and explained to your daughter that her description of that little boy was inappropriate and make sure that you explain to her why. If you did not then you may choose to revisit it as soon as possible. As far as your husband is concerned you consider discussing his rationale for teaching your daughter such terminology and the rationale behind it. Also, you can let him know that you will not tolerate such behavior. Again in life relationships we should pick and choose our battles wisely and this issue is one that needs to resolve since the use of racial slurs should be a thing of the distant past. Please update us when you have a chance to work things out.

Take care and best wishes!

You need to talk to your husband. In fact that talk should have taken place before you had children, or even before marriage. It is not possible for you to teach her to accept different people if he is prejudiced against them. You also have to find a way to make him hear you. I'm not sure if Erma Bombeck's idea of the dirty socks in the freezer is the best approach. However, you know, or can determine, what works best for your own situation. Get his attention, maybe turn off the TV, and let him know how important it is to you.

Rent the movie 'American History X', your husband will (I am sure) really get into watching this movie and maybe the message of the movie can get through to him about looking inside himself at what racism really is and how it hurts us all. Its a real guy-movie and it has a deep moving message about racism.

Whoa...that's pretty serious. I'm white and married to an Arab man and we have a daughter together. I've had to endure comments about "towel-heads" and how "we should nuke those damn Arabs off the planet" ever since the events of 9/11. My advice is simply this: If your daughter says something like that again-sharply reprimand her and explain why that language is unacceptable. If she does it again, punish her (timeout, loss of priveleges, etc). When your daughter is not around confront your husband and tell him about the incident and how embarrassed you were. Let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you will not tolerate that kind of racist and hateful language in your presence or in hers. EVER. Then ask HIM to tell your daughter that, since he's the one who taught her "wrongly" to begin with. By the way, is your husband "teaching" her things when you are around or when they are alone? If he's doing it behind your back, that's unfortunate. You're just going to have to put your foot down and then counter with "proper education". Perhaps you can get some children's books that address the issues of race and being "different"--there are many out there. Offer her a different (and more tolerant) point of view.

I have read some of the other mom's statements and find it amazing that some think you're making a STATEMENT rather than really asking for advice. Clearly since you have friends that are black I would THINK that you are against the use of this word.....i guess I could be wrong though. I definately think you are AGAINST this though. I have to say what I think is that you are definately NOT the one who seems to be 'in charge'. I have to say that my husband and some of his relatives use some language like that at times (& did before we married) but I tell ALL of them that they better never say it around my son OR I. Before we married I told him if I ever heard him say it again that he wasn't gonna be even 'hearing' me for very long. I am a white woman from a VERY predjudice state of Vermont too. I never even MET a black person until I was in high school! Still even with my own family and people I know there, I would never ONCE stand for somebody using those words. I may be a mouthy B*(^% myself but I just can't stand the hate that word represents! Even my own grandmother (who I absolutely adore...she's 92 now so you have to understand her times). We would watch talk shows together with bi-racial couples and their children, etc. I would have to listen to "how wrong that is", blah blah blah!!! So I would tell her and anyone else that that's what i was gonna do one day. Meet a nice black man and have the most beautiful babies ever!! (Some really got a 'kick' out of that one) Sorry, I'm rambling. i think if I EVER learned of my husband PURPOSLEY teaching our child to speak that way and he KNOWS how I feel....I'm sorry but that would be grounds for divorce in my book. Cause if he's gonna try to teach THAT when I'm not looking and trying to keep it a secret I'd be worried about what else may be being taught! Even with that alone MY child is not going to grow up around a person that ignorant! So I would say that if your husband TRUELY KNOWS how you feel and IS teaching this to your child you need to be ready for some serious action. Not only would that be his ignorance showing but also his deep disrespect for you and anything that matters to you. I may not know you but I would say that you could do a lot better and DESERVE a lot better than someone treating you (and your child) in that way.

Please explain why you did not follow up your post with the way that you explained to your child that you should not use that word, to ANYONE. Its seems a joke to me the way you made your post with all the exclamation points, and it seems as if your just making a statement and not truly seeking advice/assistance.

I'm sorry that a few have attacked your request for advice. I don't feel like you are trying to make "light" of the event. I am also sure that you knew his views before you were married and made your thoughts known. But, we are not here to judge your decision to marry this man. YOU NEED TO FIX THIS NOW! I am curious what his reponse to you was when you brought up this situation. Was he understanding? Did he act like it wasn't a big deal? Did you even talk to him about it? He is one reason why racism still persists. It was obviously instilled in him by his family and it is your responsibility to stop it in yours. I think your husband should also be in the conversation when you explain how wrong it is to use that word. I think he needs to reiterate it to your daughter, in front of you, that he was wrong. She needs to see that you and your husband are a team and not confuse her. You both need to be consistant with what you are teaching her. Sadly, your husband may never change his own views, however, I hope he has enough sense to raise his child to love and respect other people. Good Luck

Hello N.,
I have a 5 year old daughter that picked up several bad words from the "Garage". I remember getting a call from the daycare one morning- My precious angel walked in and said "What the F"
It floored them & knew I did not talk like that!
I had a talk with our daughter and told her that sometimes adults say bad words and it is not right for little children to repeat those words.
I even told her that Stupid was a bad word. Now if she hears a bad word, she will tell you that it is a bad word and that it should have not been said.

I also agree with the others that you really need to tell your husband about what happened at the park and that it is not the language that a young child should be saying & hearing.

Best of luck, and you may need to invest in some ear plugs when you speak to your husband, because sometimes they feel as though you are beneath them and should not be telling them how to talk, etc.
L.

Im sorry but I will have to agree with the lady that seems to think this might all be a joke to you and you are really not seeking advice but to make a statement. It seems to me that you are surprised at your husband actions. Im assuming that you two didnt meet just yesterday and you know each other for at least 3 years. I would think that before you marry someone and decide to have a child with that person you know what that persons morals and standard are. If he feel so strongly about black people you already knew this, at some point prior to this.

hi my name is A.. i am new to the group. i know that it can be hard to talk to your husband about issues that are bound to upset him but it is important that you try to get your point across. At 2 kids repeat just about everything that they hear(usually at the very worst time). make sure that he knows how strongly you are against your daughter talking like that. You could also try telling him that when she uses profanity she is going to get disaplined for it. Chances are that your husband will feel pretty badly if his baby girl is going to get in trouble for using words that he taught her. If that doesn't work, try to teach her that those words are for big people and she can't use them. If she uses one then put her on timeout or whatever method you use to let her know you are not happy with her using that word.
i wish you the very best and hope that my advice may help some.
if you ever need to talk about anything just email me at ____@____.com. i am a mother of 2 a three and a half year old boy and a 10 month old girl and i am looking for other moms in the area to talk to. I don't know very many people with kids and would love to get to know some people in the area.