I Admit It, It's My Fault, I Created a Monster!

I suggest two alternatives.

First: read what Dr. Sears has to say about attachment style parenting. What's wrong with her sleeping in bed with you? Nothing. She's only 9 months old. That is still so young. No big deal. Plenty of parents let the child sleep with them until they are toddlers. If you are okay with it, then there is no problem.

Second: read Dr. Weissbluth's book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". Yes, it is basically the cry-it-out method. But it gives you support for choosing that method and sticking to it. The key here is consistency. If you always go to your baby after she's cried for 90 minutes, then you are teaching her to cry for as long as it takes for you to come in and rescue her. If you don't go to her then she will eventually fall asleep. It may be intensely horrible for you. You may have to put several doors between you and your screaming baby and turn the TV on loud so that you don't go crazy and start sobbing yourself. Be consistent and give it time.

One final suggestion: try babywearing during the day. Get a sling and strap her to your hip. If she is secure with you all day she may feel safe enough to sleep on her own. Again, read what Dr. Sears has to say about babywearing in his book "The Baby Book." I LOVE EVERYTHING Dr. Sears has to say. It makes sense. It feels right to me. Check it out.

I've been there, done that! I'm so glad there is another mother as crazy as me. So here's what I did. There is really no hope of getting her to sleep in her own bed until she is weaned. So if you're going to nurse until she's one, don't waste your time. My son woke up every hour or two to nurse until he was 14 months old and the only way I got him to stop was weaning, which was the hardest thing I have ever done... EVER! At 14 months I had had more than enough and couldn't believe I let it go that long. I spent about 4 weeks slowly cutting out one feeding at a time at night (I replaced it with crackers, or anything yummy that would calm him down.) I would put him to bed in his own bed, and when he woke up I would either nurse or do a substitute until he was weaned.

The bad news is that even though he sleeps in his own bed, he still can't make it through the night without waking up 3 or 4 times. Now I just have to pat him and say "mommy's here" and he will go back to sleep, but I'm afraid I too have created a monster.

Maybe you shouldn't take advise from me. I obviously didn't do it right!! I haven't slept for more than 2 hours at a time for 2 1/2 years.

Good Luck- I feel for you.
M.

LOL, Yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel, my son is 12 years old and doesnt need my boob to go to sleep at night. It will happen.

Actually your story sounds so much like mine, I nursed until my son was ready to wean, which for me it ended up being 1 year and 2 weeks old. He just lost interest and wanted a cup only (yea me), I never gave him formula so he wasnt used to bottles (except for water) but was very dependant on my breast to go to sleep. I think if I were to try to take him away from it before that 1 year 2 week mark, he probably would have had a hard time. But I'll admit, I'm a naughty mommy too and let him sleep in my bed for the entire first year. After a year, and he was ready to be weaned, I put him in his crib, had night lights, and closed the door part way, he cried and I went in immediately, didn’t pick him up, just rubbed his back and reassured him I was here, I left the room and let him cry for 1 minute, went back and repeated the scene, went out and waited 2 minutes, then 3, then 4. he trusted that if he needed me, his cry out would get me, so he felt save going to sleep in his own bed, I didnt feel rushed to quit spoiling him, Yeah, it's true, we could spoil our kids rotten, but I didnt feel it was a bad thing at that age (before 1 year), and he really adjusted great (with the help of lots of parenting books ;)

Anyway, Good luck with your little one, hopefully you have as easy as a transisition as I did. I may have just been lucky.

Oh I had to edit my response because One of my best friends confided in me and told me that her 10 year old son still sleeps with her. LOL, I guess there is a possibility to wait to long.

Hi H.,
I read through the other reponses and I agree with Maren, read the book, Healthy sleep habits, happy child. It is a really good book. I swear by it. I also read Angela's response, every child is different and if you want a co-sleeper go for it. You can have a healthy marriage. That being said it can be hard.

I didn't have co-sleeper children but around the same age as yours my kids didn't want anyone than me also. Some kids have seperation anxiety more than others. My husband used to get very upset because he didn't feel like his kids liked him. Once they were a little older it went away and my husband has a great time playing with them.

My advice for you is if you can handle it I would wait for the year mark and start weaning her. Start slowly, cut one feeding out at a time and then slowly stop completly. I would start a different betime routine. We did that with both of our boys and they didn't seem to mind not having the bottle (although they didn't fall asleep with the bottle in their mouth). It will probably be much harder for you but you can do it. Good luck.
Chris

I had a similar situation with my son...he slept with us until he was 15 months. I was really ready to get him off my boob and out of my bed by then (he was a lousy nurser--he chomped, and tugged...it hurts just remembering). He also slept pretty badly, waking all the time to nurse--he never slept more than 3 hours at a time. I tried moving him to his own bed, just to see if he'd sleep any better. He did! (And so did I!) It took a while. I cut the feedings out one at a time, and he cried a lot the first night. The second was pretty bad, but he third was bearable, and by the 4th night he stopped. WHen I cut the next feedings, I got up with him and offered him milk in a cup. After a few weeks he stopped waking so much. He is 17 months now, and he wakes occasionally, but if I get up and give him a hug, he goes right back to sleep. I am hoping he will outgrow that soon, though getting up for a hug at night isn't so bad! :) Anyway. I guess it depends on the persistence of the baby, and personality and all that, as well as what YOU want. Are you willing to let her cry if she cries for 3 hours? You can look up the Ferber method--it is all about going in at different intervals so the baby can't predict when to stop crying, etc. It worked with our kids. I agree with the suggestion that if you like co-sleeping and aren't planning on weaning until she is one, you might just wait until then and do it all at once.

No one has mentioned "The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night" by Elizabeth Pantley and William Sears. You can get it at the library (if it's in!) or buy it online. it covers the range of baby temperments and situations.

maybe your baby is not ready to wean? if you're ok still nursing, then just keep doing it. but the above book will certainly help as it is more sensitive than the cry it out method (which i also hate for long periods).

good luck! and yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel. there is nothing more rewarding than teaching your children how to sleep on their own (so you can too!) get that book right away so that you can get your sanity back and banish the sleep deprivation!

Hmmm...few college kids breastfeed, she'll quit eventually! ;-) Being a smart aleck... I did the same with a few of my kids. None of my kids would take a pacifier, either. I felt like nothing but a breast for a long time. Have you tried pumping and putting it in a bottle and using that to feed her during the day? Then let dh feed her with you setting next to them, work from there? What does she think of sippy cups? I went straight from breast to sippy most of the kids. The cosleeping...well, I did that as long as I could, then the ones who coslept slept in a play yard next to my bed for awhile, then across the room, then in their own rooms. I hope to see some good ideas. Some temperments are just far more sensitive. And parenting styles can change with kids, mine did...

I'm adding after reading another response. All five of my kids, all whom coslept to one degree or another ending between ages from 8 months to 2 years, sleep in their own beds, now, through the night, without ANY issues whatsoever. And they nursed at will...And are all healthy weights, the ones who are old enough to understand know a lot about healthy nutrition. The youngest two love to snack on things like bell peppers and broccoli. So I would have to disagree and say that there is no definitive here...sleeping with your kids will not guarantee bad sleep habits and feeding them on demand, even through the night, will not doom them to bad eating habits. Kids are unique as are parenting styles!

I do not agree with sleeping with children even though I do agree that it's fun to snuggle. I think it is never good on a marriage and it leads to bad habits when the kids are older. I also do not agree with allowing babies to eat at will especially through the night because it doesn't help them have good eating patterns which carries into childhood. If I were in your situation I would go cold turkey with everything. It's fastest. No more sleeping in bed with baby. No more nursing baby to sleep. I wouldn't even lay down when nursing baby. And I'd consider changing feeding routines too so that she's eating more baby food and nursing less. Prep her with a good bath and wear her out in play and love and then put her in her own bed for naps and for nighttime and let her cry it out. I know it's hard but babies are surprisingly so forgiving when they wake up after a good night's sleep. And once you've established she's safe than let her cry otherwise you teach her to keep crying until you give in. Stay consistent. It will be miserable for a few days but it will be so so worth it when she figures out how to sleep without nursing and in her own bed. Once she's learned to fall asleep in her own bed and on her own she will most likely begin sleeping through the night because she'll be able to put herself back to sleep. A baby her age can go 12 hours between dinner and breakfast. Your 3 year old may need to sleep else where for a few nights but you will sleep better, be happier and your baby will do a lot better with separation from you. Good luck.

I say wait unitl you are truly ready to wean her and then once that is accomplished work on moving her to her own bed, I have co-slept with almost everyone of my 7 children some moved to thier own beds fine by 1 year others took a little longer, it has not in any way affected my marriage, intamacy is just more creative and what husband doesn't like a little creativity? And what mom doesn't enjoy a good nights rest?

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it doesn't have to be tramatic for the baby or you. I am enclosing a sight that has good tips on helping your baby I haven't "used" it exactly, but have used some tips, all of my kids sleep in thier own room, except the 17 month old, and that is mainly because I am to lazy to rearrange the bedroom to fit in a 3rd bed, I'll probably do it this summer, but having said that by slowly moving my baby away from me at night, he can sllep on his own for the most part, except around 5:00 a.m he likes to be buy me cause he is awake for the day (his internal clock). You are not alone, you just have to decide how badly you want her out.

http://www.lovegevity.com/parenting/mother/baby_wakes.html