Hypothetical Question... - Bismarck,ND

I would wecome the daughter (not her fault) and be in the counselers office first thing in the morning to talk about issues with honesty.

I would accept her as his child, and try to get to know her and form a relationship with her. I would be upset with him that he not only did not tell M., but that he ignored his responsibility to her. In my eyes it would make him less of a man, and I would have to work through those feelings, but I would not leave him over it.

I would want to hear my husband's explanation before I jumped to conclusions about his motives. I would have a ton of questions for him. As far as the daughter, I would want to hear her story too. Where has she been and what has her life been like? What was she told about her dad and when?

My bio father abandoned my family and he went on to have at least two other families. She probably J. wants some closure on some issues. I never got any real answers in my case but came up with the reason that he did what he did...worthless and weak. Some men J. don't have spines and J. want a do over.

Hypothetically...I'd be PISSED! Specifically, when did he find out...when the women was pregnant, after she was born, or at what point during your 25 year marriage? If he knew since your relationship began, he has lied all these years and continued to keep quiet. If you have children together, it also means that he has prevented them and her from knowing their siblings and having that relationship and bond. That would bring M. to a new level of anger and disappointment. Additionally, it would seem, he has not been a father to her all these years...is that because her mom wanted it that way? Not that it justifies not being a father to her but it does possibly change when the daughter found out and may make the difference as to why she is J. now showing up to "announce".

It is not her fault that your husband has not been a father to her nor does is it her fault that he has been a louse of a husband by lying/conceiling that fact that he has a child. Welcome her with open arms but if you can't stick by your husband, be sure she knows it is not because of her but because of his dishonesty.

Hypothetically? this doesn't sound hypothetical.

I'd be pissed that my husband knew and didn't tell M. - that's not something you keep from a spouse.....my trust would be broken - this isn't like - oh honey I spent $10K on a condo years ago....sorry - this is a child that he knew about....

His daughter? I would welcome her with open arms - it's NOT her fault that her father failed to inform you about her. Get to know her. You can't blame the child. I would most likely wonder what she wants from him at this point in the game of life - but overall - accept her.

Don't be angry at her - she had no control over any of this!

Many people operate on the "what people don't know won't hurt them" theory. These people are convinced that they are protecting the feelings of others by not sharing things that could be painful. They're justifying, of course - they're really protecting themselves. The same kind of thinking goes on when people have affairs: they convince themselves that if they're still loving and caring to their wives and/or kids, the affair "doesn't really matter." Again, justification; it's about THEIR needs and wants, not others.

If you ask him, he'll undoubtedly say something like, "Why does it matter? I'm still the same person. Nothing has changed."

Insist on details. Did he ever pay child support? Did the mother insist that he stay out of their lives? Does he want a relationship now? The past is done; how he handles things now will say a lot about him. Is he welcoming to her, or does he view her as a burden?

Counseling for you or both of you would seem to be absolutely necessary.

Good luck!

Well for starters I'd need counseling to try to discover why I married a complete stranger. I would try to develop a friendship with his daughter(how awkward for her)........but my husband would have lots of explaining to do.

This happened to my cousin. She loves her husband, and accepted it, after all, what can you do about it, leave your husband? What would that solve? Why not invite this stranger into your family with open arms? Everyone can always use more love.

It's life. It's not worth being angry. My husband was 23 when we met and I was J. 18. I always wondered if there were any kids anyplace I don't know about. It's been 26 years and I haven't heard a thing LOL.

You know, there's something funny about this for M..

I actually have a friend with whom the father of her child, upon hearing that my friend was pregnant, refused all contact.. J. up and left. And a year later got married, besides not ever bothering with his daughter, he refuses to tell his wife anything about this kid. She doesn't know he has a kid! And his family is keeping it a secret for him too, despite the fact that they all visit with the kid all the time and adore her.

He has to pay child support and everything! How his wife, after about 2 years, hasn't found out... I don't know!

I can't imagine being married for 25 years and the topic J. never "came up" so I would not be happy. Especially if he was not financially responsible for this child, which he probably was not, or his wife of 25 years would probably know from financial details.

It doesn't speak well to his character--omitting a LARGE truth about his past and NOT paying child support. I'd be left scratching my head, for sure.

As for the daughter, it's not her fault.

I probably would hope they could form a relationship at this point and I would welcome the daughter.

I would think he was an A** for not having that child in his life and being her father. If she had a step dad that didn't want your hubby involved and they had a happy life I could see that "might" make a difference but seriously, how many kids are that lucky.

If the mom had money and did not want child support and would not allow him to have access then it would tend to make things look differently.

I don't know how I would personally feel. I think it would be so shocking that a thousand emotions would flash through M. in a nanosecond and I would be acting all of them out.

OMG - Betrayed, hurt, resentful, questioning all other things done in the past and a host of thoughts of trust would be running thru my head.

However, to have lived with him 25yrs, you have lived with him with no other known surprises, so I would seek some time for counseling, reflection, space and re-think - let it all process and then get back to him and let him explain.

Then find it in your heart to forgive - since by now that many years have passed and you can get a chance to learn the truth and possibly find out more about how that daughter must have felt to not know or live with her father this many years. Both you and the daughter has been served an injustice.