Husbands and Relationships...

My husband and I were recently in a rut. It was my husband who had back pain and other health issues, and I was the one getting tense and grumpy. We were definitely drifting apart and taking life way too seriously. We got a chance to be alone (we have 3 kids 5 and under) for our anniversary this summer and talked about how much we love each other but were not doing a great job of showing it. It was a turning point for us. Since then, I heard some outstanding advice on the radio that made such a difference in our relationship. The woman was saying that we women expect our husbands to love us UNCONDITIONALLY...hug us when we have PMS, kiss us when we're sad, say we're beautiful when we haven't showered or brushed our teeth... Love is so very important to us as women.
Men, on the other hand feel loved when they are respected. We think love should be unconditional, but respect should be earned, such as "I will speak respectfully and encourage my husband when he stops yelling or gets off the couch and takes the trash out." What will change our husbands hearts toward us is RESPECT that is UNCONDITIONAL. We shouldn't make our husbands earn our respect. When we give the gift of respect to our husbands it changes their attitude in amazing ways. My husband had a lot of love in his heart for me, but he felt accused and put down, so didn't act in loving ways toward me. When my attitude changed, he really got back into the game and seemed so much more alive and joyful. He was complementing me, saying that I was beautiful...etc. Our words can have a powerful effect on our husbands. It's not your fault that things are getting crazy, but you can take the high road, focus on the things that he does well and encourage him. Also...take time to do something really fun together...maybe something that he likes to do. I obviously don't know your religious background, but as a Christian, I have found that prayer for my husband helped to soften my heart toward him and vice versa. Don't get discouraged!! All marriages go through difficult times.

Hi L.,
It seems to me that when the woman stays at home, for some reason, there is a big power shift in the house. Right, wrong or indifferent--it happens. I know, after working FT for 20+ years that staying home, homemaking & taking care of the kids is THE hardest job on the planet! It never ends and it is just about 24/7.
That said, it is no excuse for your husband to treat you like a second-rate citizen. If you figured out the cost of outside laundry service, cleaning person, cook and chauffer, he'd probably be paying YOU 70K+ per year!
I've also found that when things get like you are describing, someone has to break the cycle. Pay extra attention to him when he gets home, ask him what's going on in his world, etc.
You don't need to be "subservient" to be a good wife and helpmate. That's not what "submitting to your husband" is about.
Try to plan a few dates here and there when you can. Schedule some time to talk together after the kids are in bed.
Maybe stress is causing physical symptoms in your life. And treat yourself to things YOU like. Don't put yourself last as moms often do! Whether it's joining a gym, mani-pedi, haircut,etc. Try to find some ME time each day and try to find some couple time every week too! You owe it to your kids to provide a harmonious home life. They are little sponges who are also picking up this stress to be sure. Good luck.

I've learnt that when you fight with somone is because you can only see yourself, your hurt and your needs.

There is nothing wrong with just listening to your husband and asking him how he feels about things. Even if you feel hes way off track just listen nad try nad see things from his perspective. Ask questions to help you understnad him. Restate what you think he is saying so he knows if you are getting what hes trying to express. He needs to be validated in his enotions and feelings not brushed off.

Too many times we wnat to blmae the other person without truly taking a good hard honest look at our selves.

It doesnt matter who has the most blame or who is the worst perpertrator, you can only change yourself not the other person.

Find ways to serve your husbnad and eventually he will respond in kind.

Try to list all hte positive things about your husband and then tell him those things.

Both of you could also sit down nad make a list called, "I feel loved when . .. " and trade lists.

Try nad implement these ideas.
Good luck.

He wants to control a situation because it feels like he's loosing control. He has 2 small children and one income. I'd be a little on edge, too!

Keep your areas of responsibility under control. The kids, the home, the things that have fallen under your jurisdiction. If he's getting picky about something, and you fix it, he'll find something else to be picky about. Leave one area "undone" so that he just stays picky about one thing.

When he feels the need to control something, stand up and align with him. Be a team. Find a way to make it something you're both able to work towards. If it's a ridiculous situation, take a deep breath and search for something relevant within it. He might find it comforting to see that you're strong and can be supportive when he feels like he's loosing it. You might feel sexy by being strong, but not by being mean about it. Come up to his level and side with him. You and him against the world.

Meanwhile, you have a toddler and a baby at 39. After you get your house tidy enough and know what's for dinner, put them in a stroller and walk hard. Get that stress out somehow. And don't be afraid to get a doctor to listen to you.

There's more to do. But small steps first.

I am right there with you!! Sometimes I tease my husband that I wish I could re-do my wedding to do things differently, and that maybe he would still be in it. He's a little old-fashioned about the house, even though I work 3 days a week, it's my responsibility to take care of it. We have 3 kids that he adores and that adore him, but sometimes he flips out on them for the tiniest thing because he's stressed. I've started grinding my teeth without even realizing it I get so stressed out from him. When he goes on a rampage about the messy house, or the lack of funds (we actually do pretty well, but he thinks he deserves more, long story), or the fact that our oldest boy isn't as rough and tumble as he would like, I end up telling the kids that the number one rule in our house has to be "Make Daddy happy!" They know when Daddy's happy he's quieter, calmer, and more fun. But with all this stress, I can't imagine my life with anyone else. We've been married 11 yrs, together for 18 yrs, and I can honestly say that the only thing I love more than him is/are my kids. So, my advice is, sneak a nap if you ever can, kiss your husband when he's grumpy, fantasize about the perfect man (mine's Hugh Jackman), and then realize that the perfect man probably still pisses his wife off from time to time. And please feel free to contact me directly to vent anytime you want. It really does help put things in perspective, and maybe your neck will loosen up.

Hi L.,

Sorry to hear you are going through a rough spot. I echo some of the ideas that have been posted: get a little exercise, spend a little time to yourself (and don't ask your husband if he is willing to watch his own kids, just be considerate and ask him if the timing works for him). It is also important to spend a little time together; agree to put all the daily stuff to the side and talk about or do something you both enjoy. Having those moments together may help you feel less stressed, and perhaps he will soften in his style.

I highly recommend counseling if you can't work it out yourselves. Counseling does not mean that your marriage is close to divorce. Having someone else help you with this next (parenting) phase of your relationship can be very helpful and get you rolling for a healthy and lasting relationship. Especially if one person is not good about expressing him/herself or not good at listening.

Best of luck to you.

Sounds like the two of you need to sit down and TALK. Perhaps some counseling is in order as well. You don't have to feel this way about your relationship. "Choosing your battles" is just another way to say "suck it up" or "get over it" and that is just not fair to either of you or your kids.

What seems to work for my husband and i are glass of wine nights. We have a couple of glasses together and listen to music together or karaoke...lol! Whatever the two of you have in common you need to do. For a night a week at least try to forget your problems and just be silly :-) I do not always feel sexy, but then i find something about myself that i do like and focus on that. Life is too short to always focus on the stress...and lord knows there is plenty of stress! I wish you the best!

Both of you need to read the book the secret.
jade

Get the book "The Love Dare" It is a 40 day challenge that you and your husband will go through but I promise it works...we were ready to fill out the divorce papers adn someone gave me the book and now we are still together and happy but still working on things.
Good luck

Definitely plan a date night! My hubby and I don't have a lot of extra money for sitters, so we often do date nights at home, but we do them nearly every Saturday night. It has made a world of difference in our relationship. We put the kids to bed, make a meal just for us and then usually have desserts. The TV is not on unless we agree ahead of time for a specific event or movie. Usually we play board games or drink wine or sometimes just sit and talk like we did when we were first dating. It can be difficult setting side that time, but it is also crucial to build up your marriage. We go out usually once a month, leaving a sitter at home with the kids.

Also I work out usually 4 times a week. It requires me getting up very early, but once I get past that hurdle, it sets the tone for my whole day and I feel so much more relaxed and able to deal with the stresses. On days when I can't, I usually take the boys on walks at least once, just to make sure we get out of the house. If you're like me, I start going stir-crazy and everything seems so much more challenging.

Good luck!

PS: I just saw you have a degree in journalism - so do I (actually two). One thing that is great about journalism is you can do freelance if you choose. I do some during my kids naptime and Saturday mornings are mine to look for those opportunities. My husband encourages it because it helps me still keep one foot in the door and helps balance out the craziness of my weeks. Not sure if you would like to do that, but several of my journalism friends with kids do the same thing just to have a little balance.

Well I hope that you remember all relationships go through ups and downs. First of all, think about things you can do to help the situation. (Not saying you're wrong, but maybe you can help facilitate some things.) Maybe he is over-bearing and loud and wants to be in control because he needs to feel wanted. He needs to feel like the man of the house. Sometimes you could let him be in charge, so he feels this way. Or maybe you could ask his advice more often (even if you don't really need it) and then do what he suggests... again making him feel like he is making decisions. Men often just want to feel like they are in charge... so they feel like a man.
I would also encourage you to have a date night ONCE A WEEK or twice a month! You have to have adult conversation with each other... and it can't be about spaghetti or bath time or dirty clothes. Ask him how his job is going... maybe there are troubles there.
Lots of marriages get broken up because once a child is born, they are moved to the top of the list. Unfortunately that shouldn't be the case. It might sound mean or like I don't love my son... but my husband usually comes first. Our marriage has to come first... then we can both be good parents to our child. You also need to show your children what it means to have a strong marriage filled with communicating, respect, and love even through the hard times.

Whatever you do, don't keep these feelings inside! That won't do any good. You have to talk about them. If you want to feel sexy and get his attention... surprise him with an adult evening. Get a babysitter and remind him that you are still his wife, and not just the baby's mommy.

Good luck!

L.,
Go outside of your home to neutral gound like a coffee shop or a park and talk to him one on one alone. Then if it does not get batter seek counseling together. Make an appointment to get a massage (there are tons of coupons in the clipper magazine) a pedicure and maicure. Go to tj maxx or somewhere not expensive and get yourself a new pair of shoes or a new top you will feel so much better! Go together to batting cages to let out some of that frustration or go away overnite to an inexpensive b&b.
Good luck
Christina

I've been in the same type of relationship you're in with my DH for the past several years. If you want to keep your marriage, like I do, I've simply learned to choose my battles. It seems the less I want to argue, the less he seems to want to nitpick. With wanting to feel refreshed, take the time out for yourself. Is he willing to keep an eye on the kids for you to go out alone for a mani/pedi or something? If not, recruit someone to watch the kids while he's at work.

Has this been throughout your relationship?

I would say you are experiencing some post partum depression an feeling overwhelmed also. Go talk to your doctor and maybe get little something to help you feel calmer and not so sad.

Then see how things are and sit down with husband and talk. Try some counseling as well.

Hi L.,

Go to a Mediation Center and find someone who can help both of your resolve your issues.

They have family mediators who can help.

Good luck. D.

I would highly recommend Christian counseling. Your local church probably has a pastor or counselor who could sit down with you (or both of you) and begin to work through these issues from a Christian perspective.

Also, reading this book with my husband helped us to understand one another SO MUCH better! It's called The Five Love Languagues by Gary Chapman. http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

Sincerely,
C.
www.daisybows.com
http://thepurplepear.etsy.com

I am not particularly religious in a traditional way, but my mom is a fundamentalist extreme Christian and when i got married, she gave me the book, "Created to be his Help Meet" be Debi Pearl. I read it simply because I'm not afraid to read things.
There were some way over the top wacky things in there, it is definitely NOT for die hard feminists. But there were some REAL TOOLS and gems which I have used with great success against-I mean with-my bickering husband who contradicts absolutely everything I say at all times.
Read it if you dare.
Also, Take care of yourself first. As a trial, just don't ever argue with him. Make yourself sexy, make yourself relaxed, do nice things for him. Find sincere compliments to throw at him, nice snacks to make for him, and give him some extra treats in bed. Don't worry that he doesn't deserve it, this is just a test. Let him say whatever he wants and don't disagree. If, after a week or two, he's still fighting with HIMSELF, you are in the power seat to talk to him about the stress he is causing with his control issues since you are trying with all your heart to make him happy and you love him.
Go in this direction, and see what you can maneuver as time goes on. You may find that you are part of the cause, which is good news because it's easy to fix something you have control over. Unfortunately, if he has a heavy handed controlling nature, he may not be able to change. My husband hasn't changed, I just use all my strategies all the time to keep myself happier and not trying to win when it gets to me.
Sounds to me like your husband has the "We've been together for years, so I don't have to try to be nice anymore" thing going on. Work on your own spirit by giving him extra love. You'll get through to him and find some peace and refreshment for yourself. Very best wishes to you!