Husband Wants Another Kid, I Don't

I would suggest seeing a therapist privately for counseling to help with processing your birth experience, which appears to fall into the "post-traumatic" category. I am not a therapist, I just read your letter and noted that you shake when you see pregnant women on the street and that you state you felt traumatized by it. Regardless of whether you choose to stay in this marriage, or continue to be intimate with your partner even though you fear pregnancy and are not in a good relationship with him, I think it would help to sort out what happened to you with your first pregnancy and delivery. It sounds like you feel trapped. There is help out there. Good luck.

Hi M.,

Anyone as self-centered and inconsiderate as your husband seems to be is not being a partner. And partnership is what a marriage is supposed to be. Get some counseling for YOURSELF and figure out why you are so willing to stay with someone who does not seem to care about you OR or your child. Once you can see that you deserve better, make a plan and make it happen. That may include helping him evolve, or not. Just make sure YOU get what you need for your own sanity and the well being of your daughter.

He sounds like the classic misogynist, and being around one of those is probably the worst atmosphere a young girl can grow up in.

Help yourself and your daughter, and don't get pregnant.

Take care.

Hi M.,
I can sense your deep pain and hear the many complexities of your situation. I've experienced similar challenges in my own long-term marriage that has produced three young children. Reading through the responses, you are getting lots of advice. I highly recommend finding a good therapist for yourself, whether or not you go as a couple (also recommended). A good therapist (make sure you keep trying until you find one that is aligned with your values/philosophies) can really help you sort through all of this and walk alongside you on the journey to help you be the best mom and woman you can be, whether or not your marriage gets better or even lasts. It sounds like you're feeling very wounded and the best gift you can give yourself and your daughter (and your husband whether he knows it or not) is an emotionally healthy mom/woman. A good therapist can help you heal and find ways to step from victim to a strong woman who knows how to use her voice for the good of herself and those around her. I say this gently from experience.
Just a note on one of the suggestions that you give the option of adoption to your husband. As a mom of three, two of whom are biological and one adopted, let me clearly advise you against this. Adoption is not any easier, although yes you don't have to give physical birth, than having biological children. And if much of your concerns are about your husband's ability/willingness to bond and engage with your child as well as his seeming need to have a junior (not to mention his lack of support of you), adoption is especially not a good option. It is a wonderful way to build a family, but not a easier option on any count!
Bringing a child into a difficult marriage is never a relationship remedy and can be really unfair to that child to place that burden on him or her. My husband and I recently decided that despite some desires to have more kids, that for the sake of our marriage and our current children, we need to let that desire go and focus on what we have. I was sad but relieved about this, but also realized that my desire to have more was mostly about wanting to do it "better" or share a better experience as a parenting couple. The reality was this is not likely.
God bless you for seeking wisdom...keep seeking until you find the path that leads to healing and wholeness and away from bitterness. My prayers are with you today.

You sound sensible and centered. Stick to your resolve and make your exit plans. Hang in there!

I'm so sorry that you have this bad experience.
I wouldn't question to have another child or not with your husband, I would question, why your husband is acting and behaving this way.
My husband 16 years ago was at times very inmature when we first got married and I became pregnant right away.
I moved here from Germany and was all alone.
But I said, if you don't shape up, I'm out of here, no matter what.
My parents had a horrible marriage and I swore I will never stay and be unhappy, ever!!
Communicating about the problems we had, was the best thing ever.It took alot of work,headaches but he is the best man and father I can hope for.
But I must also say,he was totally involved in the whole pregnancy, ,took care of the baby just as much as I did .
So I can't imagine, a husband who would be so disconnected,and disrespectful towards you and your baby.There is nothing more beautiful than to share such wonderful thing as having a baby together.
He sounds like a child to me who still has some growing up to do.
If you don't want a divorce and I believe man like that don't care about counceling much,I can only wish you the best.

I was in your shoes years ago. I made a "Get out of this relationship" plan that included getting back into school (I went downstate to UIUC because the cost of living in Chambana is so low), got a cheap apartment, some therapy and got out of my marriage. In your shoes I'd start looking for a job (here or elsewhere) and turn to my family/friends for help and support. You've already been to counseling and he's still acting the same way so I think you need to get yourself into a position where you *can* get a divorce. And get on some sort of long term BC/stop sleeping with your husband so he doesn't get a chance to OOPS you.

M., I am so sorry to hear about what you had to deal with especially since being pregnant with and having my son was one of the most beautiful things I have ever been through. I kknow it is hard, but if this husband of yours is as bad as you have made him sound here, find a way to get away from him. Good luck.

I know how you feel sister, but let your resentment of him about how he treated you during your first pregnancy stop you from having a little boy for your daughter to have and for you too a son if that is guarantee or possible. You have to forgive him for his not been there for you during your first child, maybe he has learnt from that mistake. My husband did like that during my first pregnancy, and I felt he was withdrawn, some men are not able to handle pregnancy, they are wired to be cold then, just have the child for you and your daughter to have a sibling to call a brother that can be a friend to her, your not wanting another one is not the answer to your problems, you need not revenge by refusing him a junior, you need to think of your needs and your daughter for the future, so think about it, and depend on loving your daughter enough to give her a sibling if that is what you want, I have three children, they bring joy to my life, with or without a husband's love and affection, but my 2 daughters bring me joy, but my son brings even more joy, he not only protects me, he protects the sisters, and he protects me from his dad. It is good to have a son in the home, I am so glad I have one and if raised right, they are blessings to have both girls and boys. Do it for yourself and daughter, not for your husband alone, he might change the second time you get pregnant, he didn't know any better, like my husband at my first pregnancy, and other men out there, who neglect their wives when, pregnant stop it, the women need you more at pregnancy.

For the love of puppies, get yourselves to a marriage counselor pronto! Based on what you assume he thinks about the parenting situations, I wonder how frequently or well you are communicating with each other. I'm not saying that his motives aren't selfish, but you owe it to your marriage to at least check them out. If he doesn't want to go to counseling, go without him:^)

It also seems like you're having some post-traumatic issues around your childbirth experience. I had postpartum depression five years ago, and let me tell you, a lot of things still gave me the creeps even after the "worst" of it was over (eg, it took me a good two years before I could hear about a new mom having "baby blues" without having a panic attack). What worked for me was getting medical attention and keeping in touch with supportive friends. What did NOT work was not giving myself time to bounce back -- largely due to returning to work (which did wonders for both my career and my marriage, as you can imagine). In a nutshell, definitely do what you need to take care of yourself so you can handle what's going on.

PS: DH and I are done with having kids due to genetic risks in our family history. We follow birth control instructions to the letter, and he knows I have no problem with him getting snipped. (I'd get my tubes tied, but after 27 years of periods, birth control side effects, one full-term pregnancy and surgical removal of the baby...my work is done.)

I don't really have any advice for you, just wanted to say from one c-section mom to another I understand your fear. You may want to consider some counseling/therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder. If other pregnant women give you the shakes, speaking with someone may help. I'd hate for you to pass that fear onto your daughter. Best wishes to you in working things out with your husband (or making a clean break).

There is no way I'd want to bring another child into his life either. I know you mentioned that divorce is not an option, but I would seriously consider changing that. The damage he is gonna do to your daughter is gonna be devastating. If you never want children again, have you thought about getting your tubes tied? Take the option off the table entirely. Hearing what youve said, the decision is totally yours. It seems as if its your life it affects not his so he shouldn't get a say.

Dear M.,
I really feel for you. You sound so trapped. Unfortunately, I don't have any better advice than the other women so far, but I do have some questions-for everyone, really. Why is divorce almost the number one suggestion from everyone? Marriage is about making a commitment for life, not a commitment until you realize that you are in a bad situation. If it weren't I certainly wouldn't be married anymore. I am, so sorry to say, not happy with my marriage either, however, I don't consider divorce to be an option because I made a commitment and gave my word, and promised not to break it. I suffered--and continue to suffer through--a lot of emotional and physical neglect from my husband too, and I hate it, I really do, but I cannot allow myself to think about divorce as an option. I know that staying together is what I vowed to do, so that is that. Not to mention that it is better for my daughter.
But now comes the hard part--what do you do about men who won't change? Who won't admit that they have neglected you? Who won't see how terribly they are hurting their wives? We, too, have been to couples' therapy, I have been to counselling myself, and honestly, nothing has helped. All the counsellor could say way, "yes indeed, you are in a difficult situation that even I don't understand (why he acts the way he does.)". So I don't know--therapy and divorce are the most common solutions and neither will work. So for now I am being patient and hoping/praying for time to come along and work it's magic. In the meantime I try to be as good to him as I can and show him that I am being a dedicated wife on all levels, and hope that he will get better at doing more than just the "provider" role of a husband.
For your case, you have the right to choose when or if you get pregnant. It sounds like you have birth control already, but you might want to talk to your doctor about what the absolute most effective form is (I have an IUD and am very confident about that--it can't be forgotten, or easily removed, or tampered with, or anything.) Tell your husband that if he wants another child it will have to be adopted. Or you could use it as a goal--if you get to a place with him where you do feel loved, cared for and respected, tell him then and only then could you consider going through pregnancy, childbirth, etc. all over again.
I am sorry I do not have any more positive suggestions, but I'm sure it will all work out for the best. Best of luck to you.

I can sympathize with you on some details you pointed out. Sorry to hear that your delivery was so challenging. My husband and I have one child (daughter, age 11)and my pregnancy was going fine until I developed pregnancy induced high blood pressure around 7 months. I ended up having an early delivery. She wasn't due until June 26th and came early at May 1. Very early. That situation was emotionally and physically draining. My husband was supportive as much as he could be, he really couldn't grasp the seriousness of the situation and he had no clue what to do. He even mentioned that during the delivery (which was without any complications)he said all he could do to cope with the stress was imagine a serene scene, such as snow capped mountains. Men don't have to be pregnant or give birth, so they really can't relate to the physical stressors or issues that we women endure. Not to say that this is an excuse for them to be jerks. I agree that if your husband is not involved with your current child, a second child is in no way going to "fix" the problem. You would end up with the stress of caring for two kids...and still likely enduring the inconsiderate attitude of your husband. We are fine with one child. Although, I feel that if I wanted a second child, we should have done this years ago. My husband would definitely be on board with a second child, but me...not so much anymore. I am at a place where having the one child (who is growing into her independance) is great! Not to mention, I just turned 40 and starting the baby thing over now is not something I want to do. If I were younger and my daughter was about 5, I might consider it, but not now. I love our family of 3! Have you considered marriage counseling? Perhaps an impartial third party can get your husband to understand that he is not being supporting, reasonable or understanding. If not, you should get counseling for yourself to help you to better deal with this issue. Good luck.

Hi M.. You say divorce is not an option. Why? Do you feel like you can't take care of your child on your own? It sounds like exactly what you're doing. At certain times in our lives we all think we are powerless to change our situation. Think of yourself and your child. You both deserve better! Though I agree that marriage counseling could help, I have a suspicion that your husband wouldn't go. But you can go! Do this for yourself. By talking this out with a professional you can deal with your trauma and gain your own strength. From that place you'll be able to make some much-needed decisions in your life. I don't know where you are located but there is a great center in Evanston called The Family Institute with lots of wonderful therapists. Insurance usually covers most of this. It sounds like you have bigger issues than just your difference of opinion as to whether or not to have another child. Please remember, you are not alone. You have reached out to us, so now reach out to a counselor. You deserve to be happy! Best to you. -K.

My heart goes out to you, and I agree the first thing you need is counseling. Your husbands lack of regard for you is profoundly disturbing and you should not be living in fear of becoming pregnant. Clearly you need to cut him off if you know what I mean, and yes, an exit strategy is in order. You need some help and support. I would look for an extremely supportive therapist and a women's group. I'm sure you can find something in your area (support group wise) and it will be free of charge. This is also the best for your daughter clearly. Good luck and all the best.

Since your husband like to read get a copy of His Needs/Her Needs and tell him to read the HER NEEDS section. Maybe that will help.
I really sympathize with your situation. Thankfully my husband enjoys his daughter,and now our newborn son, but everything else you discribed sounds like me. My husband didn't truly appreciate my daily life at home with my daughter until our son was born and he had to take care of her 24/7 while I was in the hospital. I think every man wants a son but I told my husband that no matter what our second child was, I was done (mainly due to my age). We got lucky and got a boy. Doesn't your husband realize that even if you have another it may NOT be a boy? What's he going to do, keep getting you pregnant until you do? Doesn't sound to me like he should have any kids. My doctor suggested an IUD for me as birth control after my son was born. That way you don't have to worry about forgetting your pills or them not working if you have to take other meds (antibiotics especially). It's inserted by your OB in the office and takes a few minutes. Plus, if you didn't want your husband to know he wouldn't.
You need to get you and your daughter enrolled in some activies out of the home, maybe thru your park district. Maybe if he sees you both getting out and doing things and having fun he might show some interest.
I don't encourage divorce but if all else fails, you have to take charge of your life and your daughter's to make sure you both have a safe, happy and healthy life. Don't let your daughter grow up believing it's OK to treat a woman the way your husband treats you or she'll end up with the same kind of husband herself. Best of luck to you.

M., if you are sure you no longer want to be married to him and have another child with him, I would be VERY clear as to WHY- i.e. everything you mentioned to us- and tell them that if he wants another child, it will have to be with someone else. Maybe he would be willing enough to leave and let you be. Maybe that is what he is really hoping for. Either way, I agree with everyone else that you should definitely get some help for yourself so you can be strong and move on so that you and your daughter can be happy. You deserve that, and so does she.

Good luck to you...
Hugs,
T.

M., It sounds like this is not really a marriage. I have never said straight out something like this before, but I don't even think counseling would help this marriage You don't love him. There are plenty of selfish guys out there who play with laptops and read after c-sections, (I've had both and children and a hysterectomy) and the women are still madly in love. Women tolerate non compassionate men, men who are funny looking and snore and smell, but there isn't really anything in here that sounds like you even like the guy. Here is my advice: If you are in fear of becoming pregnant again, you best get some birth control. Behind his back if necessary. And since the counselor didn't work I think there is another very obvious avenue you should think about pursuing. And I don't think I have ever said this to anyone but you might check out how to protect yourself in any sort of separation matter. He might change if that's why you are hanging in there, perhaps when baby is older. But sounds like you married another grown up child and that is why you resent being his caretaker. Hope this doesn't hurt your feelings. You sound like a caring person and you hooked up with someone emotionally unavailable. And I want to say this: of course you can get divorced. I have done it with children, millions have done it and we have survived. I left a home with three bathrooms and moved with my two tiny children and in to a tiny apartment. I was able survive on the kindess of many others and two jobs. I was remarried, live in a small house with one bathroom and love my husband every minute of the day. And here's the sad part. We couldn't have any children together. So when you think you cant leave the man, you can and you will have us to cheer you on. And you may meet someone and actually enjoy having more children.Good luck and my prayers go out to you.

As someone who was told flat out by a smug lawyer that I 'couldn't afford' to get divorced and managed to do it anyway, I have to say first that you need to do what is REALLY going to be best for you and your daughter in the long term. If you have searched your heart and your marriage and tried to work on it, gone to counseling, etc. and you do not feel that your husband is a full partner in this, then that may be your best option! Don't ever believe that you can't- I didn't think I could either, but I managed to and it was the best decision I ever made for myself and my son. But each person has to decide that for themselves.

Sorry I can't be more supportive, but your husband sounds like a selfish jerk and very mentally abusive. You are not chattel- he has no right to assert that you will have another child just so he can have a boy- what is this, the Middle Ages??

As for your fear of pregnancy- get an IUD. It stays in for years and he will never know it is there and you don't have to have pills, etc. or anything to keep track of other than regular checkups.

But honestly, M.- this guy sounds like bad news. What kind of daddy is he going to be to your little girl as she gets older? Think hard about your daughter and her future as well as your own. There are lots of resources for you to get help if you need it. Don't allow your husband to bully and intimidate you into thinking you can't manage without him. Talk to your family or church and to a counselor.

As far as people here who are saying 'marriage is a commitment for life' etc- your husband made a commitment too, to love, honor and cherish you. He is NOT doing that.

Do not let other people press their own religious values on you- if anything, you are responsible to yourself, your little girl and God- not what a bunch of people think you 'should' be or do. It does not sound like your husband wants to change or is going to in the future. Bringing up a child in an abusive home just to keep the marriage together is a terrible burden to place on that child. Don't allow other people to 'guilt' you into it, as if they somehow know the will of God better than you do, or have some kind of personal pipeline to God that you do not!! God loves and forgives- marriage is not created so that one person can make another suffer. It's just sick to say otherwise.

Good luck to you and your daughter- take care and God Bless!!