Husband Travelling a Lot - Happy Valley,OR

Hi K.,

I'd suggest to him that you all have a family discussion. He lets the family know what his work options are, everyone weigh in on what their favorite option is and why, including him. That way everyone can say how they feel. Everyone respect each others' feelings. You may find that you are all in agreement.

Good luck,
MD

I can sympathize completely. I have been in a similar situation recently. We are in Finland and, after over two years, are finally moving back to our house in the US - not as early as I wished, but compromises were made and we are going home. My husband is Finnish, but has been in the US for well over 20 years. I can understand why he wants to stay, but there are many reasons we can't - not the least of which is our children's and my mental health. We are homesick. He is rarely here, his job is still in the US and he commutes. Those are the big reasons, but there are many more.

I had to sit my husband down and explain my fears very clearly to him. He hadn't really been listening before, so it was not easy to have this discussion. For him it was as if I had never said any of these things before. I told him that I felt like we were doomed. If we stay, I'll be so unhappy that we'll get a divorce. If we go home, he'll be so unhappy that we'll get a divorce. I told him that, as painful as it is, I would choose my mental health over our marriage.

I think he was listening to most of it this time. I spelled out in detail all of my fears, all of the things I was sure he would do if I insisted we go back. All of the things I would do if we stayed. It seemed he never really thought about any of it, just living in the moment...having a great time traveling and coming home for a little vacation before leaving again. He needed to hear the possible outcomes of this sort of life. He would end up very alone. That shocked him back to reality.

Our marriage is still a little rocky, but I'm hoping that when I'm back home in my house with my friends and I have my life back, my tolerance for all life's difficulties will go back up to where it was. I'm hoping that I will become myself again and not this crazy person that I seem to be now.

Living in a foreign country with children and no support is a miserable way to live your life. Your husband has no idea. You need to spell it out for him. You can use the bucket theory of tolerance: Your bucket is now full of dealing with foreigners, incomprehensible culture, children's fears and anxieties, etc. and doing it with not much help from him. There is no room in that bucket for dealing with mountains of laundry, unruly children, exhausted husband or the sticky kitchen floor.

You both need to compromise some, maybe a lot - I feel as if I've compromised more than I should. But that is how it goes. If you can get what you need in the end, sometimes the compromise is worth it.

Good luck.

K. P.

I was trying to figure out where your children are in all of this. Sometimes children get attached to their areas (schools, here, etc.) and sometimes the grass is not always greener either. I have moved back or tried to return to the old neighborhoods for instance and what I was fantasizing about didn't really pick right back up. IOr I thought groups of friends would be there forever and time changes things. Others moved, people change, areas changed. You have to be really certain if you want to go back that you understand that it might not come full circle back into what you are desperately wanting and needing. You might visit (and I know that is expensive) to make sure. If you aren't in a rush, give his wishes a try, he has traveled a lot and although it was lonely for you it sounds like he wants a compromise and change, too. Do you have an actual house of your own in Australia? If you do and he travelled so much I am trying to understand why you didn't just stay there in the first place.
On the other side of the coin is that I remember exercising thinking that this would develop friendships and it really didn't and volunteering can depending on what you are volunteering in. If you wish to have friendships that are close I found the best ones are through classes (a common interest) church (faith in God) and of course our neighbors. Health clubs are fun, but people are usually side by side, not together and time up-off they go. Well, like I said if you aren't on some sort of time pressure (a VISA perhaps) then maybe give hubby's idea a go before you have to sort out the papers. If you have friends and family there that you are quite attached to you they will wait.

Personally, you as the mom have the biggest job (and most important) raising the kids - so I feel YOU should have the support you need and move back to Australia. If your children are close to their grandparents, that will be such a plus for them to be near them (especially with your husband being away a lot on the road) to have extended family around makes it much easier for you and your kids. Kids are very flexible as far as moving around (I speak from personal experience on that one). Moving to one place or another will not make a marriage end. A marriage will end if things are bad and going no where no matter where you live. If you are concerned about your marriage being in a frayed state, then I would try to seek out a therapist once you get to Australia.

My advice on this comes from the same situation I was in - just like you.

Hi K.,
My husband also travels for work. It always have been that way. He would be traveling for months and sometimes he was able to work from home for other months so I would have him 24/7, sometimes I wasn't sure what I rather, lol.
It all was kind of ok until we had our second baby, now when he comes back I almost in the door with the kids and a sign with "Do not disturb, momy in recovery".
After a while I think we find a way, he put a camara in our living room/bedroom so he could see us (I wasn't to happy about that but he really was mising see the baby grow) I found things I like to do that I am only able to do without him around, he is the WORST loosing weight parner in the whole world. Every time he comes home he likes to buy ice cream, he is always asking to go out to eat, he buy stuff for the kids, and he likes to cuddle so bye-bye excercise time.
Also bye-bye TV control, bye-bye nice cozy temperature in the room (he likes cold) bye-bye pillows, bye-bye clean bathroom, etc.
Finding things that I enjoy to do/have when he is not around help a lot, but I do understand you, is not just us, is the kids too, and they do miss their dad.
Even worst, dady is away so much that they don't want to be the bad guys never because they have so little time with them, which leaves us as the bad ones all the time.
What it really help me to don't be so sad about the whole situacion was when my usband lost his job, he couldn't find anything for months. We were desperate, we had to leave our house, our town, everything.
My poor husband was so depress and we both were very worry.
So when he finally got a job (a travel job again) we couldn't be more thankful.
He had to work the past Saturday and Sunday, and we wake up and hug each one and I told him I didn't want him to leave, he didn't wanted either, but we both knew he had to and he was doing it for us. Of course when he came back I had the kids at the door and we went for Ice-cream (I love the new one of Dary-Queen btw).
Australia is so wonderful, when my husband lost his job and couldn't find anything in here, we were about to move there. The only thing stop us was my family (they live in Mexico) I couldn't imagine to go so far and not be able to see them as often as I do now.
I know being far from our family and friends is very hard, but being without my husband or kids would be impossible for me.
Talk to your husband, tell him how much you appreciated that he works so hard and away from his family all the time (it is hard for them too), I got souse to of him being the one that works that I never thank him for his effort (not that being a SAHM is not a work too).
Explain him how you feel, how the kids feel. Tell him that you want to be with him, but you left some part of you back in your home town and feel sad.
Maybe he wants to stay here because he is making more money? Maybe he is afraid of loosing his job there and have to come back here (it must be very expensive)?
Maybe you can work a deal, stay here and save money for another year or 2, and then comeback Australia.
I know kids need stability, but they also are having a great experience, traveling and learning different cultures is something that you don't learn at school.
I hope you can work a deal with your husband and that if it is not now at least not so far from now that you can go back to your home town.
Best wishes.

I have spent the last 12 years overseas in support of my husbands job. When I told him last year that I was tired of the moving, of his long deployments, of having no family support, he said ok, and starting figuring out what we needed to do to get us closer to my family and my old home. Talk to him, explain why you need to get home, and listen to him when he talks. Together you can work this through. Many times woman are surprised to find if they just speak up about what they need, their husbands will move heaven and earth to give it to them, that is what they live for, to love us and make us happy, we just have to point out the way, and love them with all we have in return :)

I definitely think that a family meeting is the way to go. Yes the decision is ultimately your husband's and yes he should be able to at least tolerate what he does for work. Does he have to be THRILLED about his job? NO!! Too many people these days think they are entitled to LOVE their job. They're not. That's not reality. Reality is that the family has needs that have to be considered as well as HIS needs.

Personally, I think it sounds like you all should move back to Australia. You need some support, your kids need some family etc... I'm sure that the benefits would outweigh the negative of the job in question. If your hubby can come home to a more serene home and be surrounded by friends and family when he's not working, it should make up for any BS he has to put up with at work.

Also, you'll never know if he's actually going to be miserable at the job in Australia unless you ask him. Thus the family meeting. Everyone should be given a chance to talk and express their opinions about all of the options. Make a pros and cons list for all of the options and make sure that you have them handy for the meeting so you can add to them as each member of the family says their piece. I'm sure your husband will make the right choice if he can see that the pros and cons support it.

Best of luck!

I can tell you are stressed, homesick and lonely.

I agree that a family meeting should be in order..
Everybody should be heard out and all subjects should be shared.
Then you and your husband can decide what is best for the family.

Make a list for each person. Help your sons feel safe to say what they REALLY feel.
Here are some suggestions..
What do you like about your living/ working arrangements.
What you do not like.
What you wish it could be like.

Is this job something really specialized? What are the true job options? What financial gains are you all experiencing? Where does your husband hope his career will go. What is his goal?
What experiences are you all gaining?

Then the opposite.
What are the down falls/?
What have you had to sacrifice?
What are you all willing to sacrifice?

What are the options? Can you fly back and visit family? Can they be flown over and have some extended stays here? Can you and your sons join your husband on some of these business trips?

I do not know your situation, but many of my friends are at the age where now that we are about to be 50. They are concerned about being laid off.
And yet, many of our friends are considering opening their own companies.

Also we all of children in college and we are all trying to stay financially stable.. In a few years we will all have to start really concentrating on retirement..

Having good savings and no debt is very reassuring during this time.
It seems like a long time to you, but in only about 8 years it will be your son leaving in the fall for college..

I am sending you strength and clarity.

Have you and your husband really talked about this? Does your opinion weigh in? I think the two of you need to sit down and really tell each other your wants and desires. There should be some compromise and consideration for both of your needs. Try not to complain or whine, but be honest as to your desires. Then really truly listen to his desires. Maybe that will help the two of you make the best decision for your family.

My suggesstion for you is that you first of all pray to God about it then talk to your husband with love not out of selfishness showing him the advantages of moving back and make sure the advantages outweighs the disadvantages but never- theless let the W ILL OF GOD BE DONE
Nkechi

My dad travelled A LOT when I was growing up. Speaking from experience, move home where you have support and where your husband doesn't have to travel much for work. Your kids will benefit from having their dad around them most of the time.

You probably also married your husband because you liked spending time with him. When he's traveling so much, you're not able to spend much time with him. Worth it?

find another job so you dont have to worry

My husband is in the Navy, so I know how it feels to be lonely. My husband is gone six months of the year, and the rest of the time, he is completely at the Navy's disposal (not his fault, he signed a contract). I know it can make you feel like you're the only one in the marriage partnership, the only one connected to the family. I also know that the feeling and the fact are two different things. You're feeling down right now. Down feelings have a tendency to push drastic thoughts and fears.

The two of you are mature, rational human beings who are in love. You both want what is best for your family. If your family and your marriage are the most important thing, then career and location choices should revolve around them. Your husband should take into account your need for support and youre need for him, and you should take into account that as much as you miss him now, you'll miss him more if you move back to Australia. Friends and family are very necessary, but your husband is the other half of your soul. You love your friends and family, but you married your husband.

When my husband is gone, I'm restless, anxious, and tired. It's like half of me is gone, and that's the truth. When the liturgy says two become one, it's not just metaphorical. It's a solid spiritual and physical reality, and it's people like us who get to discover it. It's not easy; it can be downright harrowing, and your husband needs to appreciate that. The two of you need to sit down and work this out, no holds barred if necessary. You need to come to an understanding.

K.,
I agree with the others that you need to have an honest conversation where you each agree to hear the other one out without interruption, and not get defenses up but just listen to understand.
However, I disagree with many that you should move back to friends and family and let your husband do whatever. When two people get married they leave their fathers and mothers and cling to each other and start a new family. His first and foremost responsibility is to give you and his children the best family life he can. If that means a different job, or location, or lower income, than so be it. But the most important thing is that you two have a wonderful marriage and loving, secure family. This is what you are responsible for modeling for your children.
When you die, you won't be thinking about the times your kids got to play with cousins or if you had enough money to fly around the globe. You will be thinking about whether you and your husband had the love of a lifetime and whether or not you set your kids up for success in their own lives and marriages. So plan for that now! Blessings on your future together.