Over Ambitious Husband

My father was in the military and we moved to England when I was in the second grade and my brother was two. As a kid, I loved it! My mom did too. It was hard for her without her family around, but she got to see Germany and many other places and as far as I know, she has never regreted it. I have always wanted to go back, and if my husband had a three year stint for a job there (military or unmilitary related) I would go in a heartbeat!

could he take the position and commute to see you... i know a couples where the husband is in Seattle and the wife has chosen to stay in NY. He flies all over with the job.. so when he is in the NY area.. he stays the weekend.. it works perfectly for both.. you can also fly over to stay with him for an extended vacation... it could work if you both really want it to work for you... You really can't hold him back..

When I read your title, I immediately thought you had to be discussing my husband! Even while reading it, I could have written it. So, I decided I would share my story (adventure) to give you a perspective that I never imagined I would have.
My DH and I were born and raised in one area. Both sides of our families lived there, and I NEVER imagined ever leaving there. We married young, and began our family immediately. I worked a full-time job as well as my DH until we had our third child. At that point, I was working 3 days per week to pay for 3 days of daycare. I was lucky enough to pitch a flex-time position to my current employer, and then able to stay home when my DH worked. I worked the 2 days DH was off. That is until my DH began to get depressed over his job situation. I was content with telling him to just begin looking for another local job and just suck it up until he found a new job.
Keep in mind that DH began working for this global company the day he turned 18, and continually received regular promotions/raises. Then everything changed!
DH came home one day in tears. He HATED his job at this point, and had no local prospects for other jobs. His boss made a comment to him that day that "he (boss) held DH's balls in his hand since he was married and had 3 kids he couldn't afford to do anything else." WTH! It was then in that moment that my whole thought process changed. How in the world could I allow my husband, my soulmate, my best friend, to work in those conditions? I then told him I would go wherever he felt and prayed about was best for our family.
I know this initial part is different than your story, but just keep reading...
Not long after, DH got an interview for a position that would move our family 400 miles away. I had knots in my stomach. How was I going to be able to handle everything with at the time a 1 year old, almost 3 year old, and 5 year old who was just getting ready to start kindergarten. We had just built our "dream" home a little more than a year prior. What had I been thinking?!?! I knew DH would get the job. He asked me to go with him for the interview (company even offered to coordinate a real estate agent for us), and I did. As we drove around this foreign area, I cried. I don't think I can do this. But, I kept my head turned away from DH and wasn't sharing my feelings at the time. He was so excited!
We went home, and expected to hear back quickly. A month went by, and my oldest did begin kindergarten (I had decided if we were to move, I would hold him out until the move). 1 week later, DH was offered the job, and they wanted him to begin immediately. Of course, he had to work out a two week notice. Then away he went w/o us. The moving company came in the middle of that week, and had us packed up in 2 days. Friday came, and I along with my 3 chicks, headed to be with hubby. I was scared to death.
We lived in a rental home for 5 months waiting on our home to sell, and I cried everyday. I had put my son through a school change his very first year (he went to school for 30 days prior to move). Our landlords sold the rental house out from under us (we had a 6 month lease), and at 4 months gave us a 30 day notice. 2 days later, we got an offer on our home and found a new home, and offered/accepted!
From that point on, life could not have been better! We have since moved many times, changed schools many times for our children. But, DH and I learned so much. We had unknowingly become dependent on that support network. By moving, we learned to depend on each other and became a much stronger couple and family unit. I know love my extended family, but that is what they are. I still have my friends, and our family loves going home to visit. But, we also know that we are a family unit and love to get back home away from things.
I share all this just to let you know that sometimes it is the things that scare us the most, that we need the most. DH and I have laughed sometimes thinking that if we had never moved away that we might not still be married. We have extremely happy well adjusted children who have more social skills than I ever had.
If your hubby is sole breadwinner, then I do think that you should be willing to make some compromises for the privilege to stay at home with your children. Just my two cents!
Good luck!

I wanted to add that from the get go, I had only one stipulation. When our oldest begins high school, we will stay wherever we are until my youngest graduates high school. I personally think that the dynamics of high school is the area that could do damage to my children, and thus the reason for my stipulation. DH understands and agrees with me on this, and has even shared this with his employer.

I'm not going to try to advise you as to your marriage, What I am going to do is share from a kids prospective what it is like to move alot. My dad was a pastor who would go into churches that were having trouble and "fix" them, then move on to the next one. As a result, I went to 14 different schools. Most of the moving happened while in grade school and middle school. I only went to 2 different high schools. While it was stressful at the time, looking back, I'm glad. It has made me able to adapt and I have the ability to make friends and be comfortable in new situations. I'm an extreme introvert by nature and without this "training" in my younger years I would be painfully shy today. One word of advise as to timing of a move. Most adults think that it would be better to move between school years before school starts in the fall. This is a mistake. Anytime we did that, I spent more of the year lonely than if we moved after school started. If you start with everyone else, they don't realize you are new and no one reaches out. If you move after school starts there are always a few nice kids who reach out and befriend you.

Anyway, that's my two cents.

Being a military wife for years, I had to learn how to move frequently and fast!
It really is as simple as this; it is not where you live, what job he has or how old your children are that determine happiness. It is your attitude towards the changes.
How many people are offered the OPPORTUNITY to live abroad. The CHANCE to see other countries up close and personal. Your family could come visit you in England..or where ever you might roam. Your children will garner more life experiences and you will flourish if you learn to relax and enjoy the ride.
Instead of focusing on the negatives, look at all the advantages you will have. Many you may not even recognize until you experience them!

Honestly, from what you've written, I would not consider your husband as overly ambitious. He has turned down two promotions, so it sounds like is considering what he enjoys doing and considering his family as well (in my mind, someone who is overly ambitious would jump at any promotion offered). It sounds to me like he is doing something he loves, and that is more important than all the money and all the promotions. Trust me, when a husband is in a job he love, life is easier for everyone; when he's in a job just to make money it can be a major stressor!

As far as the move, I would suggest you consider it. I have a couple of friends who have moved to a new state because of school because of their husband's graduate school or job; and they did this with families (some of them relocated several times). They made new friends and kept in touch with the old ones too. I know it's hard to think about moving away from family and especially a support system. But it can also be an exciting change for you and your family. And moving once for a promotion doesn't necessarily mean moving multiple times (unless the company has mentioned it as a possibility).
England would be a consideration all of it's own. It could be a very interesting change for all of you. But going to England as a tourist and living there are definitely two different things, and going to another country always involves a lot of adjustment (even one as "similar" as England! - there's actually quite a few differences even if they are subtle). And the schooling issue may be a bit more of a challenge, especially on moving back. That said, I think I would personally still seriously consider a move to England if it were offered (but that's my personality - always up for something new, and sometimes leaping before I look, lol). I can't judge for you if it would be advisable or not, but I would suggest considering it.
Just talk to your husband about all the pros and cons of any move. Let him know you are concerned about not having anybody around to rely on. Let him know that there is a good chance you would be using long-distance phone and possibly traveling home for a visit more often that he might think, and if you're budget wouldn't allow for those expenses, how are you going to modify things. (Although fast internet with a computer that has a camera and whatever video conferencing software is necessary can definitely be a help!) If you have an open and honest discussion where you both listen to each other's view without judgement (which I assume you generally do if you have a solid marriage) can help you decide together the best course for your family.

I think the hardest adjustment for you will be being without the great support network you have where you currently live.

With the England position, would he be traveling as much if he's running a division?

I think the move will be fine for your kids. I also think living in a different country with a different culture is a good learing experience. I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband and see if he has specific long-term goals, or if he is just jumping at promotions. Let him know all your fears and concerns, and don't let him discount them. Explain to him that you will need his help addressing them if he takes ANY position away from where you are now. (for example, he will have to help you in making a concerted effort to meet new people, establish new friendships, find childcare support - whether this is a nanny, local babysitter, mother's helper, etc., he has to know that you will not have the large support network that you currently have and that you may need help in establishing a new one). I don't know how much of the time he is away vs. home, my point is, he can't drop you on the doorstep of a new location and dart off to do his job, he has to help you establish a presence there. As long as he is willing to address your concerns, and not dismiss them, let him be ambitious! It's far better than being a dead-beat (granted there's a wide area in between the two).

You have to make him understand, that he will be maintaining some consistency, he'll have his job, some of his same connections even if he's in a completely new environment, and he'll be meeting new people through work. You will have no one, not even him while he's traveling. If he wants you to support him and his work, he'll have to support you (not just financially). Try to explain this as un-emotionally as possible. The other thing I would do, is to make a list of ways you feel he could help make this easier on you.

You could insist on having a "meet the neighbors" party when you move in - don't wait to be unpacked and settled. I don't care if everything is in boxes and the paint is peeling. If you decide you like your neighbors you can have a 2nd party when you are all situated. He could help search for babysitters, preschools, etc. I think you should find some kind of group to join whether this is through the neighbors or a YMCA/community center, maybe there is a book club or something else that interests you. It should meet at least once/week. If he has a regular schedule, he can provide the childcare, if he doesn't, this is another reason to push that issue from the beginning, the quicker you establish your own connections, the better you will cope. If you have a strategy for yourself, this will help you be supportive of him.

Good luck.

Is the outcome you have invisioned in your mind the only possible scenario? No it's not.

Your children are still very young. They will and can adapt. With the promotion, you may be able to have more trips across the "pond". I would encourage you to set your mind on the most positive outcome possible. Look at this as an unexpected adventure and make the most of it.

If you discover you really can't live in England after committing to it for a year, come home and then spend lots of time visiting with your husband. It could be a win win instead of resentment on either side.

I have a close cousin who spent two years in Japan with het husband and family. She's not Japanese and neither is her husband. At least in England they speak a version of English you can understand.

I hope this helps. Don't give in to fear.

I think living abroad for 3 years would be wonderful, but that's me. Your children are young enough that it won't impact them as much. I had some friends that lived in England for several years with young children. They even had their youngest child there. They loved it. When they moved back to the States, they did come back to the same area and their older children didn't have any problems adjusting.

Remember, knowledge is power. Do some research, talk to other people that have lived abroad (I'm sure there are message boards out there or support groups) and most important - communicate with your husband. Tell him what you are really afraid of - losing your support network. I don't think that's selfish because you are main parent. Try to figure out a solution together.

Good luck.

As I was reading your post I was thinking to myself, wow! England! that might be nice. Having experienced the adjusting to a major move, I would recommend you take the chance and make the best of it. I came to this country at age 13, we knew we were not going back home ever again; so it was kind of painful. I stayed in touch with some friends by mail for a while and then lost contact with them; but it was worth the move. As you have time before this happens, I would try to find out more about England and start sharing with your children. You can not imagine how fast 3 years go by!!! Well, look at your oldest one is already 4 1/2!! And remember, you are coming back!! :) It's only temporary! :)
Although a great experience you will have to adapt to an entire new way of living, but I'm sure that your husband's co-workers in England could make that easier for you guys.
I know it is a blessing to have support from your family, but think about how awesome it would be for your kids to experience something new. You can always keep in touch with the family, by email, skype, phone; it won't be the same but it would certainly help you and everyone else.
Try talking things out, don't argue about it because that will stress you more. If this is a good opportunity for him, then try to compromise with him. Maybe you can ask him for something you've been wanting to have or do for a long time and it just hasn't happened yet. Compromise is the key, along with communication. You need to be able to express your feelings as well as him and be willing to respect each others' differences.
Wishing you the best!

Personally I'd be all about living in England for 3 years or moving new places. But I like moving and experiencing new places to live. I moved a lot as a kid and I have zero regrets about it. It was ALOT easier to move as an elementary school student than a middle or high school though (because you're not in that awkward phase yet).

Not many people can say they have a job they love and are being offered all sorts of routes to being successful in that job. It sounds like your husband is very lucky at this point. However, you don't want to resent him...and it sounds like you made up your mind that you will resent him if he makes you move. But if he declines these offers...what are his chances of moving up in the company still? Is he going to be stuck in limbo then if he tells them he won't move? Because if he loses the opportunity you're right...he may resent you.

It's a double edged sword and you both need to sit down and deeply discuss the pros and cons of both situations. The kids are young so I don't think any move will impact them too much. We have a 4 and 6 year old (not siblings) that just moved in literally one was a month ago and one was 2 weeks ago and you would think they've lived here all along. They just instantly fit right in with the other kids on the block. I'd be more worried about you and your husband being impacted by the move. Good luck!

Had friends who agreed to relocating twice overseas with the understanding that after that they'd move back to the states...Your children are young and would still be young when the 3 years are up. With the economy the way it is I'd consider you fortunate to be in this position. Change is hard but if you stand together you can do anything. Its o.k. to acknowledge the feelings, and your concerns; but even your gut feeling is that he will resent you if you don't support him in this, and maybe deep down you would feel disappointed for missing the chance to embark on this adventure as well. There is so much good about this opportunity, that it would be selfish not to acknowledge those things as well.
My sister recently took their 3 young children and lived in a tiny apartment so her husband could go to school to be a Physicians Assistant. They had no family or friends in the town except folks they met at church. Now that the 3 years have gone by and they've returned home she says it was the best thing they ever did. They just had each other and it made their family solid. Something to consider.

first of all let me focus on two main points, that you have a happy marriage, and that your husband is doing something he loves (the success that comes with that is also a huge advantage, but not as important as the fact that he is digging it.) do you know how few people can say that? it's AWESOME!
i certainly don't want to minimize your concerns. there are good reasons to prefer to raise your children in one place and close to family. i assume you've discussed this with him and he understands your pov.
but it does sound to me as if you are getting worked up without considering any of the real and tangible benefits of what he is suggesting. for one, living abroad for a few years would be a fantastic and mind-broadening experience for everyone, and something you (and the kids) could well regret passing up. moving also encourages flexibility, adaptability, learning to make new friends, and how to enjoy new opportunities. i know a lot of kids who were raised in the same town their entire lives and HATE the provinciality, the sameness, the lack of adventure.
surely there is a workable compromise here. again, you have this huge solid foundation- a great marriage and a husband who loves his work. i absolutely do NOT think that you not working means you don't have a say. of course you do. what you need is to learn how to discuss this without accusations and acrimony. i recommend a little therapy.....not to 'fix' your good marriage, but to give you both the tools you need to discuss this situation rationally (and without knots in your stomach! nobody is happy living with that.) maybe there is a middle ground......if you go to england, he'll agree that after your return he won't accept any more positions that require change for at least another 5 years. or that you and the kids get to travel home to visit twice a year. or he'll fly your mom or sister out for a few weeks at the beginning of each move to help you get acclimated. or even that he agrees to give up moving around at all, so long as he does it from a position of strength (ie wanting it for your sake, not being forced into it against his will.)
i hope you can figure this out.
khairete
S.

My husband has a vision as to where he sees his life and our families life and if the path to get there means moving away to another state or country than I will support him all the way thru it. I will be sad and scared at first because just like you all of our support is here but I would never stand in the way of his dreams just because I was afraid to move. The kids will adjust just fine. If you keep him from following his dreams because you are afraid to move you will be breaking up your family. It may not happen overnight, but he will resent you for not letting him take the job. He won't be happy and he will always wonder what if.

Love the fact that he is so ambitious! England would be a wonderful place to live....not to mention new cultural experiences are great for kids. I was lucky enough to live in Indonesia the first ten years of my life and wouldn't have traded it for anything. I realized how truly lucky I was after we moved back to the States and so many kids had never left Texas much less the town they were from.

My mom was born and raised in Louisiana, so when she married my dad and first moved to Alaska it was a huge change for her. She made the best of it, though by using what Alaska had to offer (hiking, fishing, camping and canning blueberries). Then they moved to Indonesia where she met the friends of a lifetime. She is still friends with them to this day. I am still friends with my friends from Indonesia.

It's awesome! I know it will be scary, but just know your kids will be getting an "education" that can't be received in schools. Good luck!!!

how do you know you won't like it unless you try it? You very well just might surprise yourself and love your new place!

I'm going to offer a different opinion than what most people have said. I think it's great that your husband is doing a job he loves and that he's obviously very good at it but I don't think it's as simple as "it'd be fun to live abroad for a bit". I dont know if you ever watched Sex and the City but there are episodes where SJP went to Paris to be with her bf who had his work there and he worked so much that she barely even saw him. She left her work, her friends, her job, her life in NY and she barely even saw the man she left it all for because he was busy working the whole time! Your sitch is obviously very different because this man is your husband and the father to your kids. You have to (and should!) support him to the best of your abilities. However, moving to a different country where you would be totally alone with your kids is not a good situation for you at all. As you said, you're probably coping as well as you are now because you have your great network of family and friends to be there when your husband is unable. In England, you'd be all alone. It's hard to make friends when you're not working. And there's going to a big cultural difference too which may make you feel even more isolated. Finally, your kids are at an age where a move (or even two) may not hurt them but any more than that and it's going to be an issue. There have been all sorts of studies done that show kids who move around a lot are prone to depression and it's easy to see why. As a kid, I moved at an average of once every year or so and it was HARD on me. To this day, I envy those who were able to have a home base and have friends that they knew since kindergarden. They seem to have a confidence and a sense of belonging that I lack. So then, you have to ask "is this move to England just the first of many moves?" If it is, then you need to talk to your husband about what he's willing to sacrifice to move up the corporate ladder. He has to think of the kids well being and that may very well mean giving up future promotions. Another study has shown that the best fathers and husbands are hte mediocre workers and its easy to see why!

Hm, I'm rambling so let me get to my point. I think the other moms have a good point. It can be fun living abroad for a bit and the kids are young enough where they wouldn't be traumatized. So, you have to be honest with yourself and see what kind of person you are because I think it really just goes down to personality. Are you the type to go at something alone and be OK? Do you need a lot of friends/family around you or are you more independent? How quickly do you adjust to new things, new cultures, etc? If you can envision yourself starting a life in England and being OK then support your husband and move there for a few years. But if you really think there would be problems for you emotionally, then I think it's important that he either give up the promotion or go to England himself and then come back for weekends or whatnot. It's not an easy situation and I wish I had a better answer but that's about all I have..hope it helped...Good luck!

I think your kids are pretty young and could do well relocating. The biggest thing is really you. Could you make the move and be happy? Relocating even the us can be very hard. I know it was very hard for me. I am not a real social bug, it was reallly rough in the begining, but it was the best choice for us at the time. Still is. But our move was a stable move. We are not going anywhere for a long time.

I know many who can move around and adapt, my hubby did. But that is not me.

You know need to be honest with him and ask him to do the same with you. Weigh your options carefully. Yes I do think he might get an extra point in that he is the povider. But a good marriage is compromise.

Wow, what a blessing that your husband has a beautiful family , a great job/career that he loves. He is obviously very respected by those at the top.
This makes for a very happy husband.

You are blessed with a very happy husband, wonderful children and a great family/ support system.

What will it take to keep all of this happiness? What is the core of your family? Where does it all begin? Where will it ultimately end?

Only you can answer these questions. Let the answers guide you.
I am sending you strength and clarity.