Husband Telling 2 Year Old Son to Be Strong

I would be grateful that he's helping you out. I personally don't see anything wrong with raising boys to be boys. It's not "so 1950's", it actually so biologically appropriate. I hope you don't expect him to try to raise your son to be a girl...

Personally, I am raising my sons to be respectful MEN, not sissy la-las (our family's favorite phrase for the feminization of boys, which I think is a crime). Their wives and children will thank me for it someday.

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Edit: I disagree with the moms that say "don't disagree in front of the kids". It should be "don't FIGHT in front of the kids". Kids DO need to grow up seeing their parents disagree from time to time and also need to see them stay calm and work it out respectfully as two loving adults. They need this example of what a real, strong marriage is like. I think some kids these days are too sheltered and when they reach adulthood, they enter marriage expecting it to be perfect, expecting to never disagree, expecting that their spouse is always going to understand them without having to work on anything, and ultimately they fail. Children need to see that communication in marriage is not static. It is a living thing that requires love, patience and active nurturing. They need to see that making a marriage great takes WORK. I think this lesson is lost too often of late.

Again, don't FIGHT in front of the kids, but disagree and debate in front of them passionately but in control and respectfully, utilizing all of the healthy communication tactics.

It's a little hard to say what's "right" for your family dynamics. A little sputtering and choking during a shampoo rinse is probably pretty common – I recall my toddler girl doing that in spite of my careful coaching to hold her head back, and more recently, her little boy had the same experience. All this in spite of very gentle bathing.

There are pluses and minuses to the "be tough" masculine approach. It's pretty traditional in my "granny" age group and older, and yes, it probably does teach kids not to cry over every little thing. It can also teach boys not to share their feelings, which can be subtly or not so subtly harmful to their emotional development, and many wives despair that when these toughened-up little boys grow up, they can't or won't be emotionally available to their wives and children.

So, I recommend your taking some time to educate yourself. There is research that shows the statistical outcomes of different parenting styles, and your husband, being a "rational" male, may be more amenable to hearing the findings of scientific studies than he is to your feelings about your son's possible trauma.

There are two books that I hope you'll make a point of reading:

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman, explores the results of some of those studies, which reveal that of 3 parenting types (authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive), authoritative parents who are able to empathize with their children's needs tend to have kids who are more resilient under stress, more successfully socially and academically, and less likely to have behavioral problems than the other two groups. He calls this parental process Emotion Coaching, which you can google for more information.

The other book, which I'm rereading for the third time to polish my Granny Strokes, is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. This superb book that describes exactly how to be compassionate and respectful of the child while being clear about your own expectations and need for cooperation and respect – in other words, this is NOT some form of pushover parenting. It gives examples for just about any situation you'll find yourself facing. The thing that impresses me most, and which I wish I was more conscious of when raising my own daughter, is that kids are often quite capable of helping find solutions to their own problems, and because they have generated the solution, they participate wholeheartedly in making it work. Good stuff.

Good luck to you. I hope you find an approach that is good for you, your husband, and most of all, your children.

If you were doing the bath, would you want to be corrected? Do you want him to interfere?? It's your husband's time. Leave him to it.
Ditto with bed time.
Leave it be.
As for the getting hurt thing - kids fall. They don't need to be coddled every time they get a boo boo. I used to watch, but not react. People thought I was cold. My kids learned to brush 90% of it off. Sometimes, they'd come running and tell me they were hurt. A kiss and sometimes a bandaid and they were ready to go.
Relax.
LBC

Please ask your husband to read "Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child". I recommend it to all parents. While I'll agree that it is nice that your husband wants to be involved so much with the care of your children, and it's ok for parents to do things their own way, it's only ok when the differences are comfortable to everyone involved including the children. Your husband should think about how much he would like having a cup of water unexpectedly dumped on his head.

I also think there's a difference between letting kids fall and know that they are ok if they are really not hurt, and telling a child who has hurt himself or gotten scared by a fall to "shake it off." It doesn't teach them to be strong. It teaches them that their hurt doesn't matter and they aren't going to get any help from your husband. What will happen in the end is that your son will learn not to trust your husband and he will run to you when he needs comfort and this will cause further problems between you and your husband.

Work on this now before the kids get older. It's important to work as a team and not "I'll do things my way and you do them yours". It's not good for your relationship or the parent child relationship.

Best of luck to you~

I rinse both of my kids' hair by dumping a cup of water over their heads. They don't want to lay back in the water, and they won't lay back over my arm. I have tried, but the simplest thing to do is just pour the water over their heads. I tell them to lean their heads forward and close their eyes, and they do (they are 2 and 7). Now the 7 year old will lay back and rinse her own hair, but if they won't lay back, I don't know how else to do it. I have seen people use visors and swim goggles or let the kid hold a wash cloth over his face when rinsing hair this way - if you husband would be willing to try one of those.

As far as bedtime is concerned, I like the idea of the family story, then you kiss you son good night and let your husband complete the bedtime process. If you son has a history of stalling, let your husband handle the wrap up at bedtime.

And as for the boo-boos, I guess it just depends on when your husband is telling him to be strong. If you react strongly every time, it will teach the child that he or she can get attention by overacting when they get hurt. And trust me, two is not too young for them to know this. We don't react too strongly either way when our kids get hurt - if it is a scrape, we clean it off. If it is bleeding, they get a band-aid (sometimes they get a band-aid anyway since that magically makes it feel better somehow). A bump on the head gets a rub and a kiss. I guess the severity of the injury sets the type of response. If they fall down and say "Ow!" we ask if they are bleeding, then send them on their way. Kids fall down (a lot). We have two little girls who are natural born drama queens, so it would be real easy to have them dissolve into tears every time something happened.

Sweety, It's not a 1950s thing, it's a centuries old thing. Sorry to say that men and women are designed differently and thank goodness too! We balance each other out. Let your husband know gently that it freaks you out when your son is sputtering because of the dumped water on his head but then leave it alone. Let your husband know that you are designed to be mama bear protective so your fears are valid but also realize when you need to let go. Boys love their daddies and they enjoy the rough play. It stimulates them and gets all their wiggles out. When they want that stimulation they gravitate toward Daddy, when they want that lovin',snugglin',cuddlin' they seek out Mommy. Be grateful your husband is trying to help you out and let him do it his way, even with all bumbling and fumbling (it only looks that way to us). The interaction baby girls and baby boys have with their daddies is designed to stimulate different parts of their brains...that's the true purpose, "you do want a well rounded child don't you? As for outmoded "boys being boys" they are. They are inherently different from girls. As a mother of 4; 2 girls and 2 boys I've been horrified by some of my husbands play but I've realized I just have to let him do things his way...it isn't the way I'd do it but it works too.

My concern is that dad wants this "me" time with his son to the EXCLUSION of you. You are in a family and families spend time together. You should be able to discuss how you want your child raised and bathed and put to bed. He is your child also. Your son is only 2 years old and still needs the nurturing gentle care you have provided for him in the past. This must feel to him like now that the new baby is here mom doesn't have time for me. I know that is not what is happening, but kids have funny ideas. I like the idea of family bedtime stories or of at least dividing the bedtime to every other night. BTW All kids attempt stalling techniques to avoid bedtime as they grow up so don't think it is just you.

Why don't you and hubby alternate nights. I think you son is missing these things with you as well so he is fighting hubby on everything. My kids did the same thing down to how my husband cutting their french toast LOL. I want mommy, I want mommy, mommy doesn't do it that way. It is normal, especially if you have a new baby. I think taking turns is a good idea. When it's dad's turn and he asks for you just reiterate to your son that it's daddy's turn and you're both going to have a great time. I know as a mom you want to protect him because you think dad is being to rough, but dad has his own style so let him be. Problems will arise between the two of you if you continue correcting him. Discuss before hand how you want to handle situations so you are both on the same page when they occur. This will help avoid disagreements when you, hubby, and your children know what to expect. I think if you put a plan in place things will be more peaceful. Good luck!!

I think I traumatize my little guy with the washing, but his hair has to get rinsed and there is no way to do it that he likes, so I, too, dump the water all over his head and get it over with. :) I would LOVE to have my husband take over bathtime! That is awesome that he is doing it for you! You could always say something (when he is not in the middle of bath or bedtime) to the effect of, "have you tried _____? It seemed to be a little less upsetting when I was giving him baths" or something like that. Bedtime is often bumpy with a new little one. We alternated so our older child did not think mommy stopped with bedtime because of the baby, but I wanted him to be comfortable with either of us putting him to bed.

About telling your son to be strong, as long as he is not ignoring an actual injury, I don't really see anything wrong with this. Too often I see children who play up minor injuries or bumps. If he is realistic about everything that happens (stops bleeding, washes wounds, etc.) I wouldn't worry too much. My kids usually come up to me if they bump something, point to it and ask for a kiss, and then run back to playing. It is just a different way to approach it. There is nothing wrong with encouraging strength, either. My 3-year-old has his own small dumbbells, which he likes using when I'm working out, and he always says he is strong and that mommy is stronger. It is very cute and gives them a healthy definition for the word. Good luck. You'll work out the kinks together. (I also have to bite my tongue over things like my husband not using enough sunscreen, or forgetting it altogether, not washing the table after snack, or not picking up the outside play toys, but I try to remind myself that the kids are happy, they adore him, and he is an awesome stay-at-home-during-the-day, work-at-night dad.) Blessings!

Oh, just an added thought: It is really important (I have found out that HARD way) to voice any disagreements over what/how something is done with your spouse when your children are not around. You do not want your children to witness a discussion or disagreement about how something is done--they should just experience it being done. For example, it is really not good if I disagree with my husband about how he is disciplining our 3 1/2 year old while he is doing it. It confuses our son and makes it look like we are not in equal authority and acting as one, which is what we should be doing. Keep any questions about methods for when the kids are sleeping so your child gets consistent treatment. :)

you HAVE to say something. now i can almost understand him trying to distract him when he falls. but pouring a cup of cold water on his head is very dangerous. and cruel. and why shouldn't you be able to go in the room at bedtime? or read him a story? that is your son too! and i would let my husband know and tell him that you both love him but you will not be pushed to the side! and tell him to stop pouring that water on him like that, RIGHT NOW! and if he doesn't stop wait till he gets in the shower or tub and just come in a pour an ice cold cup of water on his head and walk right back out, and on your way out ask him," did you like that"?! and keep doing it to him until he stops. I'm sorry my spouse, boyfriend whoever would not be able to to do things to my son or push me away from my son. good luck and your family is in my prayers.!

In regards to the bath thing where your hubby pours a cup over your son's head to rinse the shampoo: I use one of those hand held shower heads that have the 5 foot hose--it works great and rinses very well. That might be better.

Hello, It makes me so angry that many men (and some women) think that if a little boy cries he is not going to grow up to be a "strong" man. What a bunch of bull. My daughter and son-in-law are always telling my grandsons to stop crying. Now the boys walk around with their eyes blinking and twitching. My daughter asked me once what that was all about. I told her it appeared to be "tics". She asked what that was and I told her that it can be caused by stress. The sad thing is, these are two very sweet boys. The oldest one has even had teachers tell my daughter that they wish they could have classes full of kids like my oldest grandson.
I believe that when we ask our children to pocket their feelings (or order them to) they have to put them inside. Eventually, those feelings will come out in negative ways or negative behaviors. The other thing is that our children have to be able to trust us. If we don't acknowledge their feelings and do things which scare them, who will they trust enough to tell things they need to talk about?
Maybe you and your husband could sit down without the children around and you and he could tell why you each feel the way you do about parenting.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K

My son will be 2 in Sept; his whole life whenever he has gotten "hurt" we have responded, but not "reacted," meaning, we make sure that he really is ok, but we don't do the big gasp, run and hold him routine. Thus, he RARELY cries and is on to something else within seconds. Most children look for a reaction from the adult before they start crying, and we don't give it to him. So he moves on. (Of course, if he's really hurt, he gets all the love and boo-boo kisses he needs). We try to make light of it (call him "safe!" when he falls; he hurt his foot: oh, should we cut it off then? nope, it's fine!) and this has worked for us. We intend to take the same approach with his sister...

As for bath and bed time, I don't see why it has to be him OR you doing it. Why can't it be family time? DH and I both like putting our son to bed, and it's a family routine. Bath time too. (If he insists on pouring the water over his head, get one of those cups with the rubber edge; it keeps the water from going in their eyes/face).

Hello Sunshine. My heart goes out to you because I know first hand how hard it is to stand by and watch your child suffer and not be allowed to step in.

The good news is that he is willing to lift a finger to help. We just need to see if we can find a way to help him understand the best way to interact with a two year old.

Here is what I suggest:

PRAY the whole time that he is in the bath or on his way to bed. Pray two things: First, for you husband to have compassion and patience. Second, for your son to be shielded from any lasting emotional damage.

NEXT:
1. Go online and look up the developmental specifics for a 2yr old, what they are experiencing emotionally and developmentally, etc. in general. Also look up how to handle bathtime and bedtime. Also lookup the impact that having a new baby in the house has on a toddler. Print the information out and give it to your husband so he can see WHAT THE EXPERTS say. He cannot hear it from you directly. They don't respond well to us telling them ANYTHING!

2. Say to him: "Hey sweetie, I really think it's important that you get a chance to BOND with the baby". With that in mind, suggest to him some trade off in baby duties. This will give your son more time with you here and there and give your 2yr old a BREAK from him. You will still need to let him do the bath and bed stuff so he will still feel like he has your son on HIS PROGRAM. Use the time to take your son, just you and him, to mommy and me class (i.e. swimming, etc.) or to the park for one on one time with you to help offset the mental scaring from dad. You don't want the toddler to feel the baby has ripped you from him and subjected him to his dad. He still needs to feel loved and valued. If not the park. Just reading to him, playing on the floor, etc.

3. Part of what makes a man irritable when dealing with their young children, is the fact that he is a CHILD himself, whose routine, program, has been interupted by the kids. No matter how much he loves them, I really think they deep down resent having to make the sacrifices. So, If possible, put the infant in a swing, and the toddler in some kind of confined, but FUN playpin type area, full of his favorite toys, possibly in front of his favorite educational program, and JUMP YOUR HUSBAND'S BONES totally unexpectedly just before bath or bedtime. Trust me, he will be in the best mood while dealing with your son.

Be strong. Later in life it will be him screaming at them while they play sports!

Hope this helps.

Pam A.

quick response even though you've already updated - sounds like you're trying to make your husband be more like you. it's a slippery slope and one that I've found myself doing sometimes. i think it's a woman thing where we want to control how our husband's nuture. as long as your husband isn't being abusive to your child, you should let him parent in his own style. if you weren't hovering and commenting on his methods, he would probably be more likely to let you stay around during bedtime. but until then, i think you need to respect his judgment. after all, you married him and deemed his worthy of being a father. so let him be his manly self. :) Manliness can be sexy! So don't take it away. :)

You should be able to voice an opinion without him getting mad at you..that isn't right. He doesn't OWN the children after all..they are of your body! Sheesh. Anyway..I'd say "I can hug my son whenever I want..and my son can cry if he wants to..and I will bathe the little one tonight thank you! He needs to back off on the control. If he doesn't he needs some help doing so. Sounds like he is trying to be helpful but resents any interference. The whole little baby bathing routine sounds quite traumatic..that child is too young to understand that "this is fun" . He needs to calm down and do things more gently with a young one..the 2yr old I am afraid you might have to give a little..at that age its one way or another usually anyway. (Either he is cryer about lots of things or a tough little kid about things most of the time). Reinforcing toughness is fine as long as there is nothing that Dad is doing to demean him, or teaching him violent behavior.

If he can't talk then he should talk to someone. You should talk to someone if you believe that he is doing unsafe things. Tell him that. If you believe its unsafe you believe its unsafe..because you are the mama that's why..yes he's the daddy but you have a say too and he shouldn't get mad when you say something. Try to come at it from an "I feel" stand point..not a "You are hurting him on purpose" standpoint. He's not hurting him on purpose from what you have written but he's being to rough and you need to tell him that. Tell him that whether he gets mad or not. If it doesn't stop...simply do the bath at a different time of day when he isn't around or something. I know that he has "that time" with the kids , but he needs to remember that the youngest is an infant..and while totally not exactly "breakable" more fragile than a 2 yr old and choking is not something anyone would call "fun". So, stick to your guns. He needs to compromise.

Give it up to daddy. He has his way, you have yours and both will make your boys into contributing members of society. Daddy does things differently than you, but unless you want to do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE at all times, you need to let daddy have his own way of doing things or he will just give up because his way does not seem "good enough" for you or the boys. Really, there are worse things than getting doused with water. My kids have been doused since they were babies and they have tons of fun at the beach and pool because it is not a fear of theirs to have water in their faces. Your son is playing you at bedtime. Quick kiss and off to bed, little guy... daddy puts you to bed, remember? When you need something, call for daddy! It is your special time with daddy, you and mommy will have time together tomorrow! Good luck!

I agree with Heather S so I won't repeat it. I will just add that I think your son needs to realize that other people will have different ways of doing things so for him to learn to be flexible is good. But I do think a gentler approach at bathtime is in order. Your son still needs to feel safe.

I'm a mother of 2 boys and I do alot of the same things your husband does. Sometimes when they fall I turn away & act like I didn't see it, they check to see if I saw and will get up and run off. If they're really hurt It's different and they need to be held. If you baby them too much, it will just be harder on you. I know i did that more with my first son when he was baby and he's much more emotional about things. When my 2nd boy was born I became much stronger. Your husband is trying to make things easier for you and now that you got 2 boys you are going to need it. They most important thing is to back up each other when it comes to the kids they will alway know we're they stand.

The "be strong" thing would definitely bother me, too. There's so much pressure on boys to be tough already and I would not want my son to be hearing that from my husband, too. I think it makes them feel like some of their emotions are not okay.

As for the bed and bath time thing, I think it is really great that your husband is helping out, but I also think this is already a tough time for your son, adjusting to a new sibling, and it seems strange to change his routine so drastically now. I tried very hard to keep my son, who was 2.9 when my daughter was born on his regular schedule. You might tell your husband if he wants to help it would be GREAT if he could hold the baby while you give your son a bath and read him a book. Maybe you can change the schedule a little so the baby is already nursed and swaddled. These are just ideas, but I don't think it's great for your son to feel like he can't have you now that the baby is here.

Congrats on your new addition and good luck with the transition!

You need to have a bedtime routine with your son too - of course he wants to see you - you are his whole world at that age. It should be longer than a quick kiss - after all he has all night without you and that is a long time to him. He needs at least 5-10 minutes with you. Can you stroke your husband's ego somehow and say... You know men are so good at games - I was wondering if you could make up a game during bathtime to make it more fun for your son. Letting your son help pour the water while Daddy covers his eyes or something.

Think about your parents. They probably didn't do things exactly the same way. Think about friends, co workers, bosses - no two people are identical. You and your husband should try to be fairly consistent, especially about household rules (TV time, bedtime) but letting him do things his own way does not mean that one of you is wrong. It just means that you are not the same person.

Again, think about your friends. Maybe one is the one you call when you're depressed, but another is the one you take shopping to get her opinion. You don't spend time wishing they were exactly the same.

Dads who develop their own style are closer to their kids at every age than dads who try to do everything in an identical way to their wives. If you can just give your son a hug and a kiss, and leave with a smile, (if necessary, reminding him that you are busy and this is "Dad time,) both your men will get to appreciate their time together, instead of feeling that it's being done "wrong" because you're not there. Your son loves you and your husband loves you - let them develop their own male relationship, even if it makes you roll your eyes sometimes - and, since they're men, that will happen, especially as your son gets older! :)

Sometimes kids respond better to one patrent or another on certain issues, and that's OK! It only becomes a problem if you get into the area of, "But Mom (or Dad) said it was OK," after they've been told "no." Kids need to know that no means NO, not ask a different parent.

If your kids sense that mom and dad can be played against each other, they WILL exploit it! Starting an argument at bedtime is a prime example; if mom and dad bicker, your son stays up later AND is the center of attention. He'll take that, any day!

Teach your son to tilt his head back, not forward, while his hair is being rinsed. and tell him to hold a washcloth or his hands over his face when his dad rinses. Then, if he complains, put the ball back in your son's court - "Did you tip your head way back? OK, try to do that next time."

Being a family will always be work, but don't let it stress you out so that you miss out on any contentment.

Congratulations on your new baby, great husband, and desire to be a wonderful family!

Whoa... um, your Husband is really doing harm to your boy.

This is not the Medieval Era.

There are many good books, on raising boys. If you go to Amazon, and input "raising boys" many good ones will come up and the reviews of it.

Your Husband... is "displacing" his own hang-ups and insecurities upon your son.... and he is ALSO... ALIENATING you in the process.... cutting you out of raising your son. This is not fair... to say the least. I would call him a jerk. Sorry.
I would personally, NOT allow, my Husband to do that to me... nor allow him to cut me out of raising my kids... or going to them.

I think, something is wrong with your Husband.... or he is very mean spirited and doing an injustice to your son... BUT ALSO TO YOU... because, he is 'damaging' the image of what a "Mom" is and what a "Wife" is.... in front of your children.

MANY issues going on here. Originating, from your Husband.
Saying he is 'controlling' is the least of it.

all the best,
Susan

Talk to your husband after the kids are down. Make sure you thank him and praise him for wanting to do things with your son like give him a bath; my husband only gives them a bath when I'm physically unable to (I broke my foot last summer and couldn't stand; he waited until I got home from work; after 9p so that he didn't have to give our 4.5 and 3 yr old a bath.

After you've praised him for being an attentive father, gently remind him that your son is only two and that just dumping the water over his head can be a little traumatic. I would recommend either buying a cup that can be pushed right against your son's forehead http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2793366 or buying one of the extendable shower heads http://www.amazon.com/Waterpik-TRS-559-Elements-Handheld-... ... that way he doesn't have to dump it right over his head.

As for interrupting bath time or bed time to help, you need to let your husband have the time with the boy-o; it's important that fathers and sons get time alone together. Good luck!

I don't have problem with the boo-boo story. Telling your son to be strong, isn't so bad. Now if there is blood that would be different.

The bath thing worries me a bit. However, the time to talk to your husband about this, isn't while he is giving the bath. He is correct there. Maybe you need a visor for your son when rising his hair. They make them for the bath. However, how upset does you son get? Does he get less upset when you do it, or does it just feel that way? I know when I am not the one there, it always feels worse to me to hear my kids cry.

The bedtime issue -- I think you husband might be right; however, you might want to make the first story of bed time a family thing. Where you come in too, and then you leave first. This will make bedtime harder, but you might not feel left out. However, again this is something you would need to discuss with your husband before bedtime.

If I had to pick one issue to raise, it would be the bath, because that is a bit more about safety. However, I would let my husband know how these things make me feel. My husband is pretty good about understanding, particularly given that you have a 5 week old. I wasn't totally rational for at least 6 to 8 weeks after my children were born. Too many emotions.

Good Luck.

I'm king of with your husband on this one...let him have his time with his son. He's right, you make things harder when you constantly interfere. Your husband is capable, trust him. He loves your son too, right?
As for the "stay strong" thing...my husband does something similar with our boys but I'm pretty sure he'd say the same thing if they were girls. Like me, he just doesn't want them to overreact and cry when it's a small fall they took. Sometimes kids wait to see how you react to see how big a tear to shed...we always try and act as if it's nothing. 9 times out of 10 it is nothing. The other one time, we kick into gear and comfort them...I'm sure your husband does the same thing.
Just be happy you have a husband that wants to parent...he's doing fine!
-M

I sugest you talk to your husband when your children are not with you get a baby sitter tellhimwhat you think if you you need to get family counceling do what ever you need to so you can raise your children together good luck iwe raised 4 and now have 7 grandchilren A. no hills

I just wanted to add, you are not alone. It makes my skin crawl when my husband doesn't take that one little tiny extra step to apply facial sunscreen carefully as to not offend my 2 and 4 y.o. boys, or wash and rinse with care at bath time or whatever brutish thing he's doing... UGH! The screams are seemingly sooo unnecessary and avoidable! But they get a lot of nurturing from me and so I try to think of it as a healthy balance of input.
I, as the mom, am the one who tells my kids to suck it up or "good fall" in the hopes that there will be no wailing but if I have a girl in the future, I will do the same. If it's truly painful then it's ok but with some kids, everything is a catastrophe. Sounds like your hubby might have just been exaggerating his manliness to lighten the mood. It also sounds like with a bit of calm communication, you and hubby are going to be just fine.
AND YES, blessed are the hubbies who HELP US! Try to remember how many buttheads out there DON'T help! :)