Husband Spending Time with a Female Coworker

I really think it's wrong, he should NOT be spending time with her other than work, to much time can cause problems in any relationship husband or wife.

You are not being unreasonable. If he wants to exercise, he should find a male friend, or find some time for the two of you. If my husband wanted to spend time outside of work with another woman, no matter what his excuse is, I would say, "HELL NO!". I trust my husband, but we are all human. Good luck.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Why is he the person that has to take her to and from work. It's not even about trust but he's married and she's not. That's asking for trouble. Doesn't she have any female friends she can exercise with? Ask him this question. Would it be okay with him if you spent so much time with another man?

It is absolutely inappropriate! Coming from a 20 year marriage in the midst of a divorce for two affairs on his part, your gut is telling you what you need to remember-if it doesn't feel right, chances are it is not. It sounds as if there is an attachment already for he and his workout partner, and I would be extremely firm about them not spending time together. Look for changes in his behavior out of the norm-a preoccupation with his looks, changes in his attire, him being more or overly critical of you-
One more word of advice-do not accuse in the future unless you have proof!!!
Take care,
GT

Trust your instincts. It may be a strictly platonic relationship he has with this woman at this time, but if it were me, I'd be concerned that it may lead to something more. It sounds like you've already spoken with your husband and I hope he understands your fears and reconsiders.
Do you remember this quote from the movie When Harry Met Sally, "Men and women can't be friends, the sex thing gets in the way."? I believe it is true. The preacher, Andy Stanley, reinforces this belief and goes as far as to say that a man and woman should not ride alone together in a car to a business meeting. That seems extreme, but his point is that any intimacy, i.e. personal conversations, etc., that two people of the opposite sex share may lead to an affair, and it's better to avoid the temptation. Another preacher, Dave Moore, also shares this same view. Both of these preachers have websites, perhaps you can gather more information (if you're interested) about your situation that you can share with your husband. The websites are: http://www.northpoint.org/
http://www.mooreonlife.com/default.aspx

It should be about how you feel and think about the situation. Your husband is already spending too much time with her by taking her back and forth to work everyday. I think you should let your husband know that you don't appreciate the relationship that he has with this single woman. He would not like it if it was you so he has to show the same respect. You are nowhere near being unreasonable!

If this was my husband I would be upset. Is there any way you and your husband could exercise together?

Yes, in my opinion you do have the right to be upset. Your husband is putting himself in a situation that could lead to something more. Would I say this if it were a male co-worker, probably not, but he is married and she is not so he could be putting himself in a position to cheat. They already spend a lot of time together going to work, at work, and then home from work so why now do they also want to run together? It just seems to me like they are getting to friendly for comfort and if your husband loves you then he should listen to how you feel about this situation and respect what you feel comfortable with. He chose to go through life with a partner and sometimes that means giving up some of those seemingly harmless things such as spending to much time with a female co-worker.

D....You my dear are not being unreasonable. You are being smart. You have gotten alot of good advice here,advice I think will work. But should it not,then you must be absolutely strong and refuse this type of behavior..Nothing good will come from it. If your hubby needs exercise,than by all means join in with him,if he proceeds to tell you,that someone has to sit with the kids,or that you are not physically able to keep up...I see a big problem. When 2 people of the opposite sex begin sharing time,after work together a red flag should go off. If he thinks you should stay with the kids..well my answer is you both stay with the kids and find a different exercise. Also if you are not physically able to keep up with a running program (most are not) then he should be willing to go it slow until you can...I will say,I am concerned for your marriage,I am assuming you both are young,My hubby and I have been married 28 years and he will be the first to tell you,that you never ,ever, put yourself in a situation where something could happen,I go one step further...you never put yourself in a position to even make others think something is going on...I will send prayers up for you,just know you are a strong woman...stand up for you marriage and fight.

I don't think that you are being unreasonable at all. It would bother me a great deal if my husband was spending time with another woman, even if they are just exercising. The fact that he gives her rides to and from work is bad enough. You should probably sit down with him and tell him how you feel.

I think you should be a little suspicious. That is not normal behavior. I would ask to join them and if he makes up excuses as to why you couldn't, then you know something is up. Good luck!

I think your fears and concerns are perfectly normal. I know I would have HUGE issues with it. I love my husband and I trust him, but I would feel uncomfortable with that situation. Have you explained and shared your thoughts and feelings with him? Perhaps the two of you could figure out a plan to exercise together, rather than him doing so with another female. I would hope that he would respect and honor your feelings regarding this issue. Good luck!

Have you met her? If not invite her over for dinner so you can get to know her and to look at how your husband is around her. If he treats her like one of the guys maybe it is just friendship but never put your guard down.And ask your husband how would he feel if you went exercising with a guy friend? I do not think you are being unreasonable.

The stronger the bond, activities or things in commong the more risk of then falling into each others arms. Not to be blunt but sex is also exercise. The human flesh is weak and all it takes is a vulnerable moment to fall into someone elses arms for comfort. It is best to remove any temptations and keep your marriage whole. I would also be bothered by this and feel your discomfort. I will pray it all works out for you. Have a blessed day!

I don't think that I would deal with that very well, either. I don't think that you are being unreasonable. I think that you are being cautious, as you should be. It might not be that you don't trust your husband, you have to worry about her. If he has every given you reason to doubt his trust, even more fuel for the fire. He should understand your concerns and honor your wishes. Enough is enough!!!

hello D., My name is Resha about your situation it would be a problem to me because it depend how often he exercise and if she is not married it is a big problem, your husband has to look at it as what if you did the samething how would he feel about it, If anything he should ask you to join.

Hi D.,
Something does not sound right here. In my opinion, you are not being unreasonable. I would be uncomfortable with him driving her to and from work, as well. A married man has no business spending time around a single woman, or ANY other woman for that matter. It will bring trouble, Definately.

Similar scenario, my girlfriend has begun giving a male co-worker a ride home from work. Not that I don't trust her, but I don't trust the circumstances. She and I live together and share everything just as if we were married. I mentioned to her that I had concerns for her safety, and being in the car with someone that she just met a month ago, and knows very little to anything about this person. She of course, became defiant and refused to not give this person a ride. She told me that she is a pretty good judge of people, and there was no threat whatsoever. We used to talk just about every day on her way home, but now she calls after she has dropped him off, and more times than not, I am busy with work during the last hour of the day when she calls. With kids at home, this was our only real time to talk as adults before we go to bed at night. I have since let it go, and now I am afraid that I will get to a point where I don't really care anymore. Am I wrong for this?

You are not being unreasonable. You should stop that. When my husband started to run with a female friend, they became really close and discovered they had lots of things in common that we ended up divorced. Never trust another woman. Even if they do not bad intentions now, it is just human nature. Later on it depends on their values. But I would not take that risk.

Be smart and never trust another woman.

D., I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. As a married man he should not be spending time with any female (especially single ones) coworkers outside of work unless it is compnay business. If she needs help with her exercises then she needs to join a gym where there will be plenty of help there for her, and being a single woman she has no business spending personal time with a married man. Don't feel like you are being unreasonable or insecure, affairs have started on less than this. Your husband should use wisdom and tell her she needs to find another way to work also, and that they cannot communicate or hang out outside of the work atmosphere. If he continues to do it even if he KNOWS it bothers you, then there is more than exercising going on. No married person who is happy should be willing to risk their marriage just for exercising you know what I mean?

You are not being unreasonable at all. How long have you been married? Can you run with him? Get a jogging stroller if necessary or someone to watch the kids for an hour-Find a really calm and loving way to explain to him why this bothers you. Try- asking him to think about the tables being turned and you "just excercising" with another man, one that you already spend most of the day with at work plus some great alone time in the car each morning. hmmm....

I think you should be concerned; but Pray about it and Ask God what direction u should take. If Pray is not something you do like that well. I would talk to your husband and see how he would react and feel if the shoe was on the other foot. I would join them when ever possible and watch my husband and her reaction. It's really something very important and should be talked about.....

No, you are not being unreasonable. If you are uncomfortable with it, then your husband should respect your wishes... otherwise, I would start wondering if there is more going on. Have him find a male buddy to exercise with if it's that important to him and you have no way of being the exercise partner.

He is a married man now and the relationship with you should come first in my opinion. Take care.

Hey, I feel for you. I would be hurt if my husband did this. It seems to me this other coworker is really beginning to rely on your husband. I am not a jealous person, however marriage is a special bond/commitment. It is not dating!!! He is putting himself in a bad situation, with NO good outcome. If he is not cheating now, he will have the opportunity soon. I am not saying he is a cheater. but if it hasn't already happened or crossed his mind, it will soon. And I would bet that his coworker has already thought about it many times. I wouldn't spend time after work with a married coworker unless I had feelings for him and wanted him for myself. Even innocent friendships turn into emotional (if not physical) affairs if they spend that much time together. Tell him you married him, not him and her. Definitely end that now, unless you go on the jogs with them. and watch her. I don't trust women trying to buddy up with a married man.

Hello, D.! A few years ago, my husband was very close to a female co-worker. He too wanted to do activities w/ her outside of work, but he always included me. My advice would be to get a jogging stroller and go along ;-) If your children are older, have them walk. My kids all started talking 2 or 3 mile walks around the age of 4. It gives them wonderful exercise and they'll sleep better at night.

You are not being unreasonable at all. The car pool part would bother me too. I've had a bad experience w/my husband car pooling w/a female coworker. I'm all about saving the environment but I just think it doesn't work out...if they were old friends...okay. A coworker doesn't fall under that category typically. I'm just a highly suspicious person but if something makes YOU uncomfortable, then your husband should respect your wishes.

I would wonder what he would think if you were to start exercising with a male friend? I think it would bother me as well. You might try asking him what he would think if the table was turned? Hope everything works out.

I think you have every right to be concerned in this situation. How many times have we seen shows where they started as friends and ended up much more than friends. A wife can tell if another woman is doing or acting in a way that she shouldn't. Trust your instincts. I'm sure he can find a man to go exercise with.

just one thing...has he ever wanted exercise with you? if not ask him if you could join them! maybe she's not so bad and you two could become friends. they only way i would be upset is if he said no.

Why not suggest that the 2 of you make time to workout together instead of him going with her. Make him the running "coach" for you! It sounds very dangerous to me - I would not feel comfortable with that at all. This way, the both of you share time and an interest in working out. It also sends her the message that he is your husband and you are the one who he should be sharing his hobby with, not another woman. Another idea would be to suggest that the 3 of you workout together and YOU make the arrangements for the 3 of you. See what kind of reaction you get. If he goes along with it and would love to have you join them then great. If not, then you have some issues to discuss. PS: If your kids are small enough, try investing in a jogger-stroller, and start out slow. It will feel great, and hopefully it will bring you and your husband closer together!

Yes

It would bother me because i am old fashioned and this is how affairs begin.
If he needs a running partner then you should be the one.

If i were you i would can this relationship and quick.

Goodluck,
T. B.

There is a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" that talks about how affairs start. Spending time with someone sharing a similar interest is a biggie. Maybe you can get a friend of his to help him see that this is totally inappropriate behavior for a married man.

I would not be comfortable with my husband running with a female coworker nor would I be comfortable with him carpooling with her. That seems like a little too much alone time in my opinion. I would talk to my husband about my concerns and hope that he decides not to simply because it makes you uncomfortable. I think having opposite sex friends is okay as long as there are boundries. I guess I may be old school but its better safe then sorry.

Hello D.! I am a new member to Mamasource, and this is my first time responding to a posted request. Let me start by saying I am currently single, and dating someone who I plan to marry in the next year or two. So this issue really grabbed my attention! One big question I have is whether you have met your husband's co-worker? Although, I believe too much "non-work relating" contact is a NO NO(especially with one who is single), meeting her may make the situation more comfortable and acceptable. However, in my opinion opening the door to a "friendly" relationship between the two of them may open the doorway to DISASTER! This issue has nothing to do with insecurity...it is a matter of understanding the reality that THINGS HAPPEN, and sometimes bad things happen to good people! Hold strong to your stance, and try to make him understand your position!

Go exercise with them! If he objects then you object to him going alone with her. This scenario is a set up for heartache.
Why would a married man want to spend more time with another woman rather she is married or not? Express how you feel with your husband. Make a stand! He needs to tell her to find another ride to and from work.The marriage vows says "forsaking all others". He has no obligation to the other women. He does to you!

No you are not, have you met this woman, if so do you trust her or him, and what is this just going to be exercising. yes it would bother me, driving her to and from work is to much as it is. ask him if he would be ok if it was you and another man spending all that time together.

I don't think him exercising with another woman is in any way appropriate. My husband would never want me spending time with another man, other than work-related, and I wouldn't disrespect him by even entertaining that thought anyway. Remember: Temptation usually comes in through a door that has been deliberately left open. Tell your hubby to find another man if he needs a jogging partner, or better yet, YOU be his exercise buddy if possible.

D.,
It would definately bother me and it would bother him if you were jogging with a single male friend. Men just don't spend time with women unless there's some interest. This single woman should not want to spend time with a married man either. Discourage this relationship and encourage him to find a male companion to jog with or perhaps you should join them when they jog.

Hi D.,
I think you should be very cautious and like other have said ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned...Men so hate that!!! I am divorced and have been for 6 years,but I would never spend time with a married man...Sorry but wrecking someone's marriage is not my thing...I look at it this way if a man is unhappy in his current relationship whether it be dating,living toghether,or married then he should do the respectful thing and leave...If your married then file for divorce...It's not that hard,but like I told someone in another response men are dogs in every sense of the word...Good luck with this and let me know how things turn out...A.

I would say this might not be a good idea! He has a right to do as he pleases,maybe just tell him how you really feel,he will do what he wants anyhow as most people do/ dont they?

I have been in the work field for many years and it may seem innocent to spend time with the opposite sex at first but it usually always leads to more - and D. you are not being unreasonable at all - tell your husband you would like to go along with him and his co-worker because you are bored and would like to spend time with him as well. If he doesn't agree, change the locks on your doors at home and that may get his attention really fast!!

D., I think you should be very alert!!!
I personaly don't think this is a good thing, I'm very active and love working out, but having companionship the oposite sex will lead to trouble if you are married. Offer your housband to go along with him and let him know you don't like the idea of him going with this woman from work. I think there is something going on and you need to be carefull, don't aproach with anger, actually do the oposite of what I did, dress very sexy and go run with him and after that make love to him, that is all he is after...I chace my ex and cut him with this woman and confronted him and he left me!!! I don't think your housband is been very clean about this thing, people that really love sports such as running do not need partners, we usually run along and on our path running we meet more runners (running) not at the office! a think he is eather looking for excuses to spend more time with this woman. Be careful how you handle this, you might scare him if you aproach mean, be very sweet and sincer tell him your fears (not your suspissions), tell him you love him.
I lost my ex by been to agressive and used threats to him, he just got prepared and left me almost in the streets...with my second housband I do everything I did not do with my first housband, I joint him in anything he likes...

D.,

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable. Offer to run with him, so that he ditches the co-worker. It appears that he has a connection with her...

You should tell him that you would love to join them and you could run together (even if you don't really want to). Watch his eyes and see his reaction. If you end up running together, you could get to know her better and you would be spending more time with your husband as well. If he has a problem with you joining them, then I would have a problem with it.

I think your gut instinct is usually right. So if your uncomfortable with the situation, then usually you should go with that. Even if she was a really good friend, he already seems to be spending a lot of time with her, and I'm sure there are others he could find to go running with if your not wanting to. Or atleast get another person running with them too!

It really comes down to trust, but even in a very trusted relationship common sense tries to take over.Me and my husband tell each other EVERYTHING,were like best friends and even though I know he'd tell another women off,push her away and even tell me if she tried to hit on him it would still make me uncomfortable to have another women spending time with my husband.So don't think for one second it's you being unresonable, YOUR HUMAN! I think you should express your concerns with your husband and ask him to see it from your point of view (that's what gets my husband to understand me sometimes).Ask him how'd he feel if the role was reversed and you were doing all of this with another man. Ask him to answer honestly and not just say (No honey, it wouldn't) just b/c he's wanting to give the right answer to avoid blowing off the other women.Even if you trust him fully it doesn't protect your feelings nor does it reasure you that the other women cares that your husband is off limits.If possible and providing he isn't willing to ease your fears by declining the runs with the other women I say tell him your interested in joining,if that is an option for you. If he seems bothered by you asking (try not to read by facial expression,guys are finiky) then I say tell him that it's not ok with you if he does it,b/c that shows signs of problems to come. And if your husband loves you more than he cares for this women then it should be a no-brainer and an easy and effortless task to decline her invite.I wish you luck and I hope he realizes that if ever put in the same situation he'd feel the same as you do.Let us know what happens!

I think trust is a big part of a relationship but You should run with them :)

Hi D.,
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I know first hand that spending too much time with a co-worker of the other sex outside of work is too tempting. In my case, i was the bad guy and truly regret it. I had been with my husband for 10 years, have 2 beautiful little girls and thought i was very happy with my relationship. i started going to lunch and spending alot of time with a guy i worked with and before i knew it we were sleeping together. it all happend so fast but the more time i spent with him the more i found out we had in common and i started thinking about him all the time. When i think back on it now, i know i should have been more careful but when you put yourself in that position things just sometimes happen. If your husband could be the least bit attracted this girl he is wanting to start running with i would be very leary about it. I hope everything works out. Good Luck!

Dear D.,
I think your instincts are right. It is not a good idea for your husband to spend so much time with another woman and her being single does not make it any better or worse. Any Counselor would tell you the same.

No you are not being unreasonable at all. He should be more considerate to your feelings about this. It is up to you and your husband whether this is wrong or right but if you are uncomfortable with it then he should respect that. Keep the lines of communication open and good luck!

No not unreasonable. He's attracted to her. That's the only reason a man chooses to be a running mate with another woman other than his wife.

If my husband were even considering this, it would set our marriage back because of the trust issues.

Hi D.,
I think Colleen's idea was great--tell him you'd like to join them! Maybe you and your husband should work on finding things that interest you both, so you can do more things together. If that means you need to take up running, then do it (or at least try it, if you're able to.) If he really wants to run with her just for exercise, then he should welcome your attempts to exercise with him.
Also, if you became friends with the "other woman" maybe she would think twice about doing anything that might hurt you. Or maybe not, but I always believed the old saying, "Keep you friends close, but keep your enemies closer." I'm not saying that she is an enemy, but you're obviously concerned, so you need to keep a close eye on the situation.
Marriage is hard work. Sometimes we have to do things we weren't planning to do just to add a little spice! Whisk him away for a romantic weekend if you can. Buy him two tickets (for you and him!) to his favorite sports event. Send the kids to a friend's house & surprise him with a romantic dinner & bubble bath when he gets home from work.
Good luck. I hope all your concerns turn out to be laughable later!
Susan

D.,
You are NOT being unreasonable. He is opening a door that should NOT be opened. It might start out just exercising but since he opened the door, it WILL lead to something else. Ask him how he would like it if you were just "exercising" with another man?? It is not appropriate for a man to hang out with another woman nor is it appropriate for a woman to just hang out with another man. The temptation is strong and that is just asking for trouble. He should see that and should respect it.

D.,

My husband started running with a neighbor and at first it made me uncomfortable. I think it is natural to feel this way. My husband and I talk ALOT we are best friends and I asked him wy he enjoyed spending so much time with this person. He just enjoyed being around someone who enjoyed running as much as he did ( I do not like to run ) I prayed about the situation and I received as peace about the relationship. That was about 5 years ago, they don't run together anymore since we moved but our families are very close and she has become a good friend of mine. I know every situation is different. I would just encourage you to be open and talk to your husband about how you feel and if you feel like you need to meet the co worker to determine her character then do so. God Bless

Well, if it was me no I would not be happy at all call it old fashioned call me an old women but no I would be very unhappy. I guess a ride to work might be ok if they shared the car pooling but honestly I worked in an office and I won't say everytime a man in my office had an affair but a few of them did. While I was single and not making much money I had a co worker male that lived near me and him and his wife would give me a ride home at night since they passed my place. As far as lunch I ate with a few two or more of the men on pay days sometimes and so did some of the other ladies but after work everyone pretty much did their own things. If they ran in your neighborhood and you could drive past and see them at any point maybe that would be ok otherwise I don't go for it. Not everyone is having an affair and yes I think some men and women can be friends but honestly I don't want to chance it even if she was married it might not look right. Your not being unreasonable if she is married why not he become friends with her husband and exercise with him...there's an idea...better yet maybe you should meet her and her husband and all of you become friends is what I would suggest to my hubby...other then that my hubby knows if he was together with another women outside of work then he can take the kids for both of them to enjoy my hubby wouldn't ever want to go exercise with anyone other then alone again. lol

If I could PLEASE have the resource from the following quote, I'd appreciate it!! My husband is about to take a business trip with a new female colleague. Their going by car and it's a 6 hour trip!! They'll be gone from Monday-Thursday!!! I'm going ballistic here!! Of course they always say "nothing's going to happen, but come on!!

Please help!!!

"Trust your instincts. It may be a strictly platonic relationship he has with this woman at this time, but if it were me, I'd be concerned that it may lead to something more. It sounds like you've already spoken with your husband and I hope he understands your fears and reconsiders.
Do you remember this quote from the movie When Harry Met Sally, "Men and women can't be friends, the sex thing gets in the way."? I believe it is true. The preacher, Andy Stanley, reinforces this belief and goes as far as to say that a man and woman should not ride alone together in a car to a business meeting. That seems extreme, but his point is that any intimacy, i.e. personal conversations, etc., that two people of the opposite sex share may lead to an affair, and it's better to avoid the temptation. Another preacher, Dave Moore, also shares this same view. Both of these preachers have websites, perhaps you can gather more information (if you're interested) about your situation that you can share with your husband. The websites are: http://www.northpoint.org/
http://www.mooreonlife.com/default.aspx"

Hi D., I know yo got a lot of great advises and that you reported back and it seems like youe husband was very receptive and sensitive to your imputs. That's great! I would like to add though, that I would ask him to stop the rides to and from work. I am sure there may be another way for her to get to work, another co worker perhaps? Unless you are also friends with this woman, know her and trust her, I would encourage you to ask him to stop. If there is a friendship you should be included. If there is none, then they don't need to ride together...the idea of running together came from finding mutual interest and if is not the running may be something else. Is never ok for a married man to spend that much time with a single female. They already work together. he should keep this relathionship strictly proffessional. At this point I would insist on meeting her.

Hi D.,

You are NOT being unreasonable. And YES it would bother me! Either he knows the dangers and doesn't care OR he is naive. My husband was soooo naive for a while, it took me, his sister and an OLD friend from college (that was such a sweet, innocent girl that just needed someone to talk to, yadayadayada)inviting him to a hotel to convince him that I knew best!

Women can be the most LOYAL friends.....but All through the Bible, it talks about the wiles of a woman. Mel Gibson even portrayed Satan as a woman in The Passion. The Word says "Flee the APPEARANCE of evil." If you have another woman in the family he trusts, she may need to echo your sentiments.

Show him the responses on mamasource, lol! That might get his attention!!!

God bless!

M.

I think you are being totally resonable. The more time they spend together, the more possibility there is of something happening. A married man should not spend time with an unmarried woman (or any woman) outside of work, period. Unless giving her a ride to work is a temporary thing, that should end also. I'm a bit old fashioned when it comes to these things...but maybe our elders were smarter than us, the divorce rate surely was smaller! Hope that helps!