Husband/Son - - Not Bonding?

I have a boy a girl.. so we have mommys boy.. and daddys girl. I think this is a sort of normal way it works.. especially when the kids are young..

son will hang out with dad when he is a teen..

I think it would be a good idea to start getting dad involved in the bedtime routine, for starters. There is no reason dad can't read him a book. Make him take ten minutes and read your son a book before you read him one.

Hopefully you can ask him to do this simple thing without him becoming defensive. I'm not sure what excuse he might have for not finding a few minutes to read his son a bedtime story.

Moms have to initiate a lot of things, often, so this will probably just be one of those activities that you orchestrate. (I orchestrated just about everything.) I think you tell your husband simply and directly, without blame or accusation, that you would like him to start reading son a book before bedtime.

I have a defensive husband, so I understand how what should be a simple request can make certain personalities defensive and angry. But take it from me, who resents my husband's lack of involvement years ago with certain of our kids -- you really want to make this happen, now.

Bedtime is a great bonding time, and it will be good for both of them.

p.s. It's possible that you have been TOO competent, and your husband has felt left out and unnecessary to his child, and therefore awkward when he is alone with him. S.H. puts it well when she says "maybe he feels that he can't compete." That's a situation that sometimes happens to fathers. This is another reason for you to promote their bonding.

I stay home; daddy goes to work. When daddy gets home, I have made it clear that's his time with little boy. He pretty much takes over, including the bedtime routine. It's important for them to have special time together and that's why I turned bedtime over from about 12 or 14 months old. They both look forward to it now. When daddy's not home at bedtime, I tend to keep him up a little later to make it easier for him to get to sleep.

Talk with your husband and let him know something needs to change. Explain the bedtime routine and then step away .... It may stay the same ... It may change to meet their needs ... Either way, you need to step away. Literally leave the house for coffee or to go shopping if you have to the first few days until they settle into a routine.

Your son may cry and mope, but he needs to be able to depend on your husband too and daddy needs some special time with his son. Help to create it for them.

- Encourage your son to play with Daddy.
- Encourage your Hubby to play with son.
Encourage them to do it, in their own way.
Do you tell your son, "hey, play with Daddy, Mommy has to do things right now, maybe he needs company?" etc.?

Does your Husband actually WANT to do anything, with his son????
Or maybe your Husband just does not know, what to do with a kid.
Does he even, try????????

How sad, that they both act all mopey when they have to be together by themselves.
Or maybe your Husband feels overshadowed... by you, and how you are with your son?
Maybe he feels he can't compete. Since you and your son are so close.

Boys, are fond of their Mommy. I have a son. He is and was JUST like your son. We are very close. But, I always encourage my son to do things with my Husband, too. And they are both close in their, own, way. I don't tell them what to do. My Husband has his own way of playing with my son. He doesn't have to be like me. Nor I like him.

If my kids, say that Daddy is "boring..." I tell them everyone is different. Daddy has his own way. But each of my kids are close with my Husband TOO. In their own way. My Husband had a Dad that was never close to his kids. So with that in mind, my Husband makes sure to be a PART of our kids, lives.
One day the kids will be all grown up and then not even be around you.
Maybe if your Husband realizes that... he will TRY to create some incentive in himself, to nurture his son too.
And YOU need to say positive things, about your Husband to your son. So he has a positive outlook, upon his Dad, too. Not only thinking that Mommy is the best. ;)
And you need to talk to Hubby about this.
Not talking about it, will not help.
Talk to your Hubby about it in a caring way. Not as a critique.

Well, my husband started bonding with our kids by putting them to bed, from birth. So I don't get why yours hasn't been doing that, as most moms I know relish having a little extra time at the end of the day to themselves. Bedtime was HIS time, when he was home (he often works nights). So part of this is your husband's fault, but some fault also lies with you for not encouraging it more. By the time any of my kids was 4yo I had easily spent 2 or more nights away from them, many of those nights they were with just my husband and he always looked forward to it. Some of those nights my husband and I spent away from the kids together, which is VERY important when you have young children. Your husband may be a little jealous of your close relationship with your son and may not feel like you are giving him the attention he deserves.

It's important that both of them learn to do without you sometimes. It's not healthy for either of them to not be able to do this. What if something happened to you? What if you had an extended stay in the hospital unexpectedly? I taught my kids to bond with other adults in our family for many reasons, but not the least of which was to prepare them for long stays with those adults if something happened to me and/or my husband. This is a life skill they will need, to feel safe away from mom (and dad), knowing that they can trust other adults who will take good care of them. You are doing him a great disservice by not having done this sooner, but it's never too late to start!

You need a girls' weekend away :) and not checking in every few minutes :) Your husband needs to have activities planned for while you are gone, and learn how to bond with his son on his his own terms. There were no cell phone when I started taking nights and weekends away from my kids,and they did just fine.

They need to do things together that Dad enjoys.
Our son was the same way.
At 3 1/2 he squeezed in between us when we were hugging, pushed Dad away and said "My Mommy! Get your own Mommy!".
Oh my!
Such anger and jealousy!
It surprised me and poor Dad felt so rejected.
Dad is not a recreational reader - he's never read a story to our son.
But then Dad got him his very own real tool belt and our son became Daddy's Little Helper - they assembled his wagon and trike together.
And Dad loved looking at fire trucks with him at the fire station open house.
They need to find what they like to do together.
If your husband likes cooking, then it's something he can do with his son.
What kid doesn't like helping to make cookies?
You can make suggestions to get them started, but continue leaving them on their own together and they will eventually figure it out and come up with something that is their own style.

in some instances I think its okay to hurt someones feelings when there is so much at steak. Like when Frauline Maria tells Captain Von Trap that he's never home long enough to know what his children need or are up too. But by all means, if you can do it without putting him on the defense, more power to you. Never read him a book? Never put him to bed? How can that even be. something needs to change. Don't let your husband off the hook on care taking your children, thats where most of the bonding fits in. You may need to step aside more, or like others suggest, take the jobs that he has and direct him to play with his son.
Please don't take offense, this is just a fleeting thought and I could be way off base, but are you by chance a control freak? Do you let your husband take over your son's care? Just saying.

So is the kid really just reacting to the differences in time and energy each parent spends on him?

I would talk to your DH and say, "I've noticed that you and DS don't really seem to do anything special together. I was wondering if there was something you'd like to start sharing with DS (insert hobby of DH's here) and how I could facilitate that for you." Or "DH, I am busy with x. Can you please read DS a book tonight instead of me? Here are three favorites." Or "DH, I love it that you cook. I think DS is old enough to learn a few things. Would you include him in your cooking so he can learn from the chef?" (My DD is 4, my DH cooks, and DD loves cooking with Daddy.)

You say your DH is a good guy...so I think he can be lead.

Well, it's up to dad. Sometimes dads just don't know what to do with kids when they are little, and they engage more when they are older because they "do more". You can't force this. Your husband has to build the relationship. A 4 year old is not capable.

You say hubby is "a good guy", but he acts mopey if he has to spend time with his own son? Really? That's just not healthy. Now, part of this could be his OWN family history. What is your husband's relationship with HIS father? Was his dad engaged at all, or was he a hands off dad that worked and came home, and didn't play with the kids. If this is the case, or if there was some sort of unhealthy relationship, dad might be clueless and/or intimidated about the whole thing.

If you want to encourage the relationship, don't blame hubby, but engage him. Find some time to talk to him. Observe him with his family if you can. See how his father interacts. Approach it from a place of concern rather than a place of "you never do x with your son".

Find things that the three of you HAVE to do together - not something that your son will hook up with you to do if all three of you are with each other, but something that you ALL have to participate in.

Be busy. Let your husband know in advance (in case he's exhausted from work or something) that you might be redirecting your son more on evenings and weekends, and let him know that you feel sad they don't have more connection.

Be busy for your son. "Oh, I can't play right now. I have dishes to do. I think Dad would love to play (common interest) with you." and return your focus to your task.

Schedule two nights a week, maybe weekend evenings, that are "Daddy Bedtime" nights. You will need to facilitate it and make those contacts routine so they both get used to them.

I wonder, how was your husband's relationship with his father? Did he grow up in a house where only mom put him to bed? He may be recreating patterns he grew up with and which seem familiar to him. So often, we repeat what we know without examining or questioning *why* we do what we do. I would ask some open-ended questions about this at a time when he's not on the defensive. "Tell me about growing up in your house? Did you ever play with your dad? Who put you to bed? What did you enjoy doing with your dad? your mom?" People love it when we ask them questions about themselves, and you may learn which areas he *hasn't* had the parenting you would like to see modeled for him.

I think there are a couple of things...

First, I'd mention that this is somewhat typical (sure lots of men bond with young kids, but LOTS of dads just have a hard time with babies/very young kids. So... don't stress... this doesn't mean the father/son relationship isn't being built.

That being said, stop trying to push bonding between them. Human relationships are exactly that. Human. You don't want them to spend TIME together, you want them to CONNECT with each other. If the time they spend feels forced, they will spend those moments thinking about the pressure, not bonding.

Rather than push dad to bond with him the way YOU do (stories, bedtime, snuggles... all the nurturing stuff) find something DAD does that your son is old enough to start to enjoy. You said your husband cooks dinner, can your son start to help with that? Four year olds are GREAT at washing veggies, and spinning the salad spinner! If your husband loves to bike, get a trailer so son can go along, if husband golfs, have him take son to the putting green, if husband needs to powerwash the deck, let son stand our there with his own hose and help... whatever... BUT if there is nothing authentic for them to do yet... don't push it! It will happen, you just need to let it.

HTH
T.

If your husband isn't willing to do the things that a daddy does, then there is nothing at all you can do.

If he is willing, then take yourself out of the picture on a regular basis. Have your husband read the stories and put him to bed. Have him do some of the things that you usually do with your son. Some weekend day, send them off to the park or something else fun, while you stay home.

maybe you can help them create their own little ritual like going out for doughnuts for breakfast once a month. or ds could help daddy cook? something little and easy like that.

Don't worry about hurting Dads feelings.
You have an important message for him that he NEEDS to hear.
He's not going to get a second chance at this, nor will his son ever be 1,2,3 or 4 again. Tell him nicely, but tell him.

Find something/somewhere all 3 of you like to do/go.
Go together, then have Dad take him next time without you. It would be a start.

I had this with our son when he was a little guy. My husband traveled all the time so I was the parent there all the time. It bugged my husband but he really didn't do much about it until our son was either 3 or 4. My husband told him to do something and our son said to him "you aren't the boss of me, she is" pointing at me. This really upset my husband and we had a discussion about it that night. My comment to him was "you are never here, so he doesn't know you. You are the guy that comes home some weekends and sleeps with Mommy".

What I am saying is, you need to talk to your husband. My husband heard what I was saying and made some changes. He hired an assistant so he would be home more and helped coach t-ball. Our son is 20 and I can't get him to talk to me for nothing!! He and his dad are best buds and do all sorts of things together. I'm very grateful that my son said that to my husband many years ago.

Take over making dinner so your husband has more time to,spend with him! Now that it's summer, it'll be easier to play bc they can just go outside and play catch. Your husband doesn't need to have a big imagination.

Your husband has to take the first step by making an effort to bond with your son. He has to show initiative. Staying home with him while you're gone is not good enough. He needs to do something special, that is "their thing" together. Going to the park, going to the movies once a month, getting haircuts together, going for ice cream on Sunday afternoons. There are a million things he could do with him one on one. He needs your encouragement to do this. He probably feels too unattached now. Help him take the first step. Good luck!

It's really normal at that age to be so attached to mommy. But your husband and son still should be having time together. He should have his son help him with projects or things he is doing around the house. He should take turns giving him a bath or reading stories. They could go out and kick a ball together or play sporty games together. He could even take him out for dad/son time together. But don't worry that your son is sooo in love with you right now. Looking at my son he slowly became "all about dad" around age 8. He still is in love with his mama, but now he cherishes the time he gets with his dad.

This is normal.

I suggest reading "Wild at Heart" by John Eldrege. It will give you insight. And then hand it over to your husband. It might change both his and his son's lives.

In watching my husband with our grandsons, I say you have nothing to worry about. You are right that dad will take a bigger role and the relationship will develop as your son gets older. He's still not there yet.

When he's able to ride a bike, play ball, watch sports with dad, that's when the bonding will happen. Some men just aren't that in to babies and they take a back seat until the child is no longer a baby or toddler, but a real life little kid.

I think you need to start creating opportunities for your husband to be involved. "Dad is going to do stories tonight. I need to do xxxx." You and your husband need to figure this out together. I used to take one weekend a year and go away with my friends. The children and Dad were on their own. They always had a great time.

On a daily basis, my husband did bath and stories while I cleaned the kitchen when the kids were little. He did the haircut at the barbers. He did the Karate lessons and even signed up for his own classes and became a teacher so he could have an activity with the children.
As the kids got older, we did everything as a family. When the ballet studio needed an Uncle Drosselmeyer for the Nutcracker, my son jumped right in. My husband did the videotaping. It was always a family thing. As for homework, I did English, he did Math. :)
We volunteered at school. We helped with band competitions. My sweet husband did the driver avoidance classes at the racetrack with my daughter - who ended up very car sick. He ran off to find her new clothes. She most appreciated his efforts - even if he did come back with green sweatpants. :)
Help your husband connect - it is so important!

Sit down with your hubby and tell him that his son is getting older and needs to have his father as a great role model. Work with him to figure out what activities they could do together. Even if it's running errands on a Saturday morning and stopping for lunch after. Right now you and your son have a routine that doesn't include your hubby. That needs to change so that you are doing things as a family instead of just you directing your son's life.