Husband Pushing Me to Bail as Maid of Honor

Tell her sooner rather than later. You really wanted to do this, but you've had some financial difficulties that you weren't expecting and it has become something you can no longer afford to do. You wish you could wait and see if things would improve so that you could do it, but that would be unfair to leave her hanging at the last minute. This will give her enough time to offer the honor to someone else. Hopefully someone close enough to her to be able to handle the responsibility (which includes a lot more than showing up just that weekend anyway).

You don't have the money. Call her and be honest. Don't feel guilty. If you tell her honestly what's going on, there may be a solution, or you may not be able to.

There is no reason to feel guilty because you're not a horrible friend. A horrible friend would wait until 3 days before and spring it on her.

I backed out of a friend's wedding over 20 years ago. My husband convinced me we could not afford the dress. I regret it still today!!!!!!!

You need to bail out of it.
You know that.
Your Husband is not 'making' you do it.
He is asking you to.
He is just stating the FACTS.
Which I agree with him on.

If the roles were reversed, I am sure you would expect him to put your family/finances first as well.

If it were me, I would bail out.
Not put my own family/kids into debt and forgo things that my own family/kids/home/car needs, not to mention feeding ourselves.

Your family is more important.

And, if she does not understand... then well, she is not a friend.

That is a lot of money to spend...on it and the role in her wedding.
By the next day, it all will be POOF... all done and the money gone.
Meanwhile, the bills from it and the expenditures... will last on and on.
And it will leave a bad feeling in your marriage.

If that were my friend, I know she would NOT under any circumstances want to put me in a bad way financially nor with my Husband or family or kids.

Your family and finances are more important! She could go to yours because of finances, and she should understand. June is 3 months away, and plenty of time for her to figure out what to do. Your husband is right. You have no reason to feel guilty. Life happens.

I'd decline. That's really expensive and if we were in your shoes, we wouldn't be able to do this... we are in your shoes...LOL She should understand and if she doesn't, she'll get over it. As much as you'd like to do this, you just can't afford it. You really need to honor your husbands wishes. Good luck to you!!!

Your husband is right.....if you don't have the courage to speak directly to the woman (by they way, she is not your friend or best friend), send her a letter/email. Your loyalty is with your husband and you should not spend money that you don't have.

If she want's to foot the bill for all the expenses and you want to take part as the MATRON of Honor go for it!

Blessings...

just call her and tell her. Seriously, why would you even consider spending money you don't have??

You can't afford to go, period. Just tell your friend the truth. If she is a real friend, then she will understand. After all, her predicament was pretty close to yours, so she should understand. Stop feeling guilty!

Yes. You've gotta bail. It's not as if you want to! If your friend has experienced a home foreclosure, then she should understand financial issues. Let her know as soon as possible (right now?) so she can re-plan her wedding. Are you worried what she'll say? If she doesn't understand your need, you'll learn something about her.

Bail. A true friend will understand and never wants to add to your misery.

I would let her know that you've had a major financial hit, and can no longer afford to go. If she is truly your friend, she will understand this.

How often she writes or calls you is irrelevant.

I would back out if I was you. My thinking is:
1~It's not like you are BFFs any more... If you were on the phone with her every week, talking and sharing everything, maybe. But only every 3-4 months? I am surprised she asked you to be MOH.
2~She has been there, so she should understand. If not, she's not much a friend anyway.
3~Even if she hadn't been there, and you were close friends, asking you to shell out over 1500 for HER wedding is rediculous. Even more so when you are having financial hardships. Even MORE so when she didn't even acknowledge your wedding.
4~Your husband feels that you should stay home... You should respect his opinion, especially when his reasons are legitimate.

Explain the situation the best you can, and hope she understands. She still has time to make arrangements for a new MOH, or to cancel one of the groomsmen. Like I said, she should understand. NEVER feel guilty for putting your own family first.

I would go with the finances and see if you can send a nicer gift since you can't go. We had last-minute changes in the wedding party since we were in college when we got married and have never even thought to be upset with those friends. We also had a few people last-minute not even attend because of travel costs. I missed my best friends' bridal shower because I got offered an extra shift at work and my husband was unemployed, and I couldn't go to my younger sister's wedding because we had a 2 year old, 5 month old, and NO money for plane tickets. Your friend will not feel good about you being at her wedding if she knows you are going home and not able to pay your bills or buy food. Only you and your husband really know your finances, but at the end of the day you are the ones taking care of your family and your husband is the one you are staying up stressing with, not your friend. Send her as much "love" as you can afford. She might even have enough time to ask someone geographically closer to be in the wedding party.

Incidently, I had to replace my maid of honor (my BF from high school, who ended up not able to attend because of cost) and we had to replace a groomsman. My SIL also backed out because we were having personal issues, so we went through a LOT of changes and never held it against anyone.

You should have said no from the beginning. It's her wedding and she was your best friend for many years. Please don't back out!! You'll lose a friend! Someday you made need her too! I, too, think you should tell her you are strapped for money and come up with the solution together. Leave the hubby at home, stay on the lookout for cheaper tickets, try other cities close by, have her help you find a cheaper place to stay, maybe her house ( she and her new husband will probably stay in a hotel) or a cheap hotel farther away. Skip the gift. You being there is her gift. She will understand! I just believe that you should always do what you say you will for a friend.

If I give someone my word, I stick to it or make a point to not back out of my word. IF she was unable to attend your wedding, but told you right from the beginning she didn't break a deal. Even if she did break a deal, it doesn't make it okay for you to do the same. Yes, i f you do dip out, she will probably make due, but it's still not great.

I'd be very upfront with her. Say "I have a problem. I want to be your bride's maid and that is my plan, but financially I am doing horrible. This just happened recently and if I had foreseen if I would have just told you 'no' from the beginning. But I said I'd be there. Do you have any suggestions for me or help to offer because I want to be there, but I need some help/advice"

She may have american express points to fly or a friend to put you up with, etc. She'll probably not mind you giving her a cheap or no gift.

Also maybe you can leave your husband at home (that saves money) and pack food with you. If it comes down to you being destroyed then obviously change your plans. But I'd do everything I could to keep my word.

I think you really don't have a choice but to decline. Unless there is a way you can save that kind of money up until June it seems a stretch. as that is a lot of money when you are having financial challenges. Since she went through a foreclosure, hopefully she will understand (and should). I'd be prepared for her not to though, people will put themselves in amazing kinds of debt and think it shouldn't be a problem for others to do so either. If you let her know now, she can ask someone else. If your dress isn't returnable, maybe you can offer it for the next person if possible. Also, added to this, it really doesn't seem like you have as strong of a relationship with her anymore, just another strike against doing this I guess.
Take care and sorry it is working out this way for you!

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She couldn't afford to go to yours, and you can't afford to go to hers. It happens, and she should understand.

BTW, flying at 34wk??? Has your OB ok'd this? I've always heard past 28wks wasn't a good idea, my OB said not after 26.

I came in on the end of this one, but wanted to share with you that I do hope you and your husband do get to go. Take it easy with the pregnancy. childhood friends are freinds forever even when you don't get to see or talk to each other all the time. Best of luck to you.

You shouldn't feel like a horrible friend, but I know how you feel, I'd probably feel the same way. But like you said, it isn't as if you are just flaking out at the last minute. You are having a financial crisis, and that is just the reality of the situation. There are so many people who are going through financial hardships right now, and you even said that your friend and her fiance had to go through a home foreclosure just last year. She should understand. And if she doesn't then maybe she isn't the greatest friend.

If there is no way you and your husband can work out your finances and make it to the wedding, then I would take your husband's advice and tell her as soon as possible that you can't go. Just be honest with her and tell her that you are so sorry, but you just can't afford the expense right now. The sooner you do it, the sooner she can find a replacement. :-( I'm sorry. It's terrible to be in that kind of a situation. But again, it's not your fault; if money is an issue, then there's nothing you can do about it. Good luck.

There is no such thing as a right answer in a case like this, but there is probably a 'rightest' answer. You'll have to find what that is for you. If I were in your position, I'd tell my friend that financial difficulties have struck, and I'll be unable to afford going.

Since she was in a similar position when you got married, she will almost certainly understand. If the dress is a style she chose, you could offer to send her the one you bought (unless you can return it) in case she can find another MOH the same size.

Send her a gift if you can afford it, but seriously, I can understand your husband's position. Imagine if he had committed to some hugely expensive trip with a friend he seldom saw, and then your found yourselves in a financial pickle. What would you want him to do?

Could you go alone and stay with your friend since you have already purchased the dress? After all you haven't visited her at all while she has visted you. If not, tell your friend you really can't afford to make the trip and offer her the dress you have already paid for so the new bridesmaid can step into your dress (or bump up the line and step into someone elses).

The answer is right in front of you. She didn't even send you a card for your wedding. Call her and explain to her what happened and that you have to back out.

Maybe I'm the only person who feels this way, but I wouldn't want to travel across the country while 34 weeks pregnant when things are already stressed.

One thing you may not have considered: airlines may not let you fly after x number of weeks into your pregnancy.

This is a tough one. I agree with others that your husband definitely shouldn't go. I'm not sure that I'd ask to stay with strangers though... If she didn't send a card for your wedding etc, I'd skip the gift. I just went to a wedding that cost me a fortune in travel, hotel etc and I thought "and now I'm spending more on a gift?..." and we can afford it. So I'd tell her what's going on so she understands when there's no gift and if she doesn't, she's a jerk. Then I think it comes down to how much you value her friendship. Is it completely for old times' sake and you really don't care otherwise? Or do you want to continue to be friends? I think it's a bit odd actually she asked you to be maid of honor when you speak so seldomly. It paints a picture of a pretty self centered person who maybe doesn't have other close friends bc of that. But then again, some people are different about keeping in close touch. That's a swing factor in my opinion - how much you really like her and what kind of person you think she is.

I think you have answered your own question...while friends are important unless you are having issue in your marriage I would support my financially stability with my husband, protect my future child and not spend what could be several months rent, 6 months of groceries or several car payments, or pay off your hospital deductable, keep the lights on and the water running. No one should spend that kind of money on a luxury unless they have 6 months emergency fund in their bank to cover all living expenses. You have the cost of diapers coming, baby formula, clothing, crib, toys. Explain your finances, any friend worth their salt will understand, those who don';t aren't really interested in your best interest and not really a true friend..She may be disappointed but should understand.

It's okay if you need to back out. Friends need to understand that your family comes first. If this is truly a financial situation that will set you back even further and stress you out, then she should be understanding of that. I know you already decided, so good luck to you!!

my goodness...i think if she is truly a friend of yours...she would understand...the flight is $1100 that is a bit much...this is a test of friendship and understanding...if she really wants you there she will fork the bill...Pls don't have guilt...because you have to set you priorities.,..i am sorry...i have to side with your hubby...This would be living beyond your means..GOD bless and don't put off telling her...the sooner the better...and maybe some of the other people are going to drop out also...this is a bit steep.

Good luck and pls let me know how it goes!!!

Don't go. She couldn't make yours due to financial hardship reasons... you can't make hers due to financial reasons AND being pregnant.

This does not make you a bad friend, nor does it mean you can't still get her a gift and a card and call her more frequently.

She has plenty of time to find a match for the extra groomsman, or one may even drop out. Do NOT stress over this.

And, even though she offered to pay... I would still not go... that far along pregnant on a plane can cause early labor. Too risky.

I would talk to her about it and find out what different option there are for you, maybe bunk up with someone else, find a cheaper ticket. I'm sure there are ways. But if I too would probably end up saying I couldn't go.

Friendship isn't necessarily based on often you talk to each or if one person is super conscientious about sending cards or not.... The fact that she asked you to be a maid of honor means that she does hold you very dear to her.

Can you compromise? Be up front with your friend about your financial straits. I'm sure, given that she's gone through foreclosure, she'll be sympathetic. Let her know that DH won't be coming because of the cost of airfare. Ask her if there is _anyone_ you can stay with in town during the wedding to save on the hotel costs, or even room with someone else to split the room costs; tell her that you will be getting them a gift, but that you'll be getting it for them at a later date. Then tell her, if she'd rather have someone else take your place, that would be okay.

And let your DH know that this is what you propose (before you contact the bride). By him not going, that saves $550 in airfare, and if you can stay with someone or at least split a room, that brings it down to $175 for the stay.....

If you cant afford to go, you cant afford to go - even if she was a best friend you see every single day.

Do you (or the bride) know anyone with miles who can get you a ticket? Can you share a hotel room with other people in the bridal party?

I would talk to her and see what she says. Maybe she has somewhere you can stay for free. Maybe she has family members driving to the wedding that you could ride with instead of flying (provided you can be away that long.) My best friend lives across the country and we only talk every 3-4 months as well but I still consider her my best friend and I see her every time I go home to visit my family. Maybe you could cut out an extra monthly expense for a few months to pay for the visit (cable, Starbucks, gym membership, kids lessons etc.) Also, leave your husband at home to save money. Good luck!

We went through hard financial times for a while and once I started fessing up and telling people it was so much easier to get through everything - everyone was so understanding! You have a very legitimate excuse due to your finances, not to mention the fact that she didn't go to your wedding for the same reason and never even sent a card. I'm not sure what your situation is, but I know when our financial situation first turned south I kept dishing out money for things like this thinking that surely we'd be doing better any day now, and I couldn't possibly skip this or that. Then, two years later when we were still not doing well financially, I could have killed myself for spending so frivilously earlier on. Save the money - you never know just how much you may end up needing it.

I can understand you wanting to show true friendship but it doesn't appear that your "friend" really thinks about anyone other than herself. The wedding will come and go and based on what you have said so may your friend. I would listen to your husband on this as it effects both of you. As for feeling like a terrible friend, don't! She is the one who needs to do some apolozing.

Since it doesn't seem as if you are as close as you once were- I think I have to go with your husband on this one- you can "donate" the dress you've already bought to her for her subsitute. Since she is no stranger to financial hardship, if she is a true friend she will understand your situation. Just be truthful with your dire situation, apologize profusely and go on with getting your own finances cleaned up. That said, she will probably be angry at first as I have found even normally rational women can have their "bridzella" moments but in the long run she will come around after she realizes how trival it is in the whole scheme of things. Obviously you don't want to burn bridges here but it doesn't sound like she is a huge part of your life anymore so if the worse case scenerio is that you never speak again is that something you can live with? If it keeps a roof over your head it might be worth taking the risk of alienating her. But if she has been a good friend for so long I think after all is said and done she will understand. As for an extra groomsman, I have been to several weddings where there were an unequal amount and either two groomsmen walked one bridesmaid or vice versa. Good Luck!

I'm sorry your dealing with such a tough issue and I completely understand how torn your feeling. Have you tried talking with your friend about it? I would suggest that if you are considering the possibility of backing out. I'm getting married in June and, while I'd be crushed to discover that either of my two long distance bridesmaids had a financial issue that could cause them not to be able to attend my wedding, I'd rather know sooner than later. If you talk to her there are a couple of things that could happen 1) you find out that she can help you with some of the cost (possibly provide a guest room to offset the hotel, help with miles towards the ticket, just thinking out loud here), or 2) she tells you it's okay and she has time to either ask someone else or deal with reorganizing you're wedding.

I get the impression from your post that you feel that she hasn't been terribly considerate about your wedding (no gift or card?) but you should still be the bigger person and be honest about what is going on with you by speaking to her before you make your decision. Only you can decide what to do. Sit alone and think through how you'll feel going verse not going. Don't let either her or your husband guilt you into doing something you ultimately aren't comfortable with.

Good luck!!

Bail out. Between money issues and being pregnant just not feasible. Iff
she is a good friend, she will understand. I am surprised your doctor
would even let you fly cross country at that point.

I agree with your husband . You both come first. Yes, it will be difficult to say you can't do it but it will be more difficult to go through with it.Say a prayer and make the call. You deserve it.

ooooh....that's SO HARD! my friend asked me to be her maid of honor but it was in vegas, it would've probly cost bout the same amount. i ended up having medical & financial issues keeping me from going so she was able to ask someone after i told her i couldn't go. but you've already spent the $200. :(
i'm extremely financially strapped (like everyone these days i guess) and i seriously (no joking) cannot afford anything more than basic needs. there's no way in hell i'd be able to do the wedding you're trying to do. i'd have to straight up tell her that. it sucks b/c it's only a couple of months away, but it's better than going into DEBT. which is what you'll do if you don't have the cash. :( i'm sorry girl. but that'd be my answer. talk to her asap so she can ask someone else if she wants or figure out the wedding party thing. certaintly she'd understand given she couldn't come to yours. that's my opinion! :) hard decision either way :(

If you're going to back out you better do it NOW, don't wait, she'll need to find a replacement.

If you truely can not afford it please do tell her. If she is a true friend then she will understand, it may be sad, but she should understand.