Husband Not Helping! - Saginaw,MI

Sometimes a few marriage counseling sessions can do wonders in a situation where the problem isn't longstanding. Sounds like he's resentful or something.

I think most women have this problem. I think Daddy should stay at home with the children a whole day (perhaps over the weekend) while you go and have some quiet personal time. Daddy needs to feel like you do so he "gets it".

If you can afford it, I would suggest hiring a 'mother's helper' to help after school a couple of days a week. You could nap or prepare dinner or run errands ALONE. For $20 or $30 a week, if could make a tremendous difference!!
Good luck.
Barb

I recommend reading "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." It's like an owner's manual to husbands! Truth is, we do think very differently, and the way we ask for things can sometimes get our husbands' guile up. This will give you a whole new perspective. It's saved my relationship, and also a dear friend's. Look past the author please; it's the knowledge you want.

Hi A.,

It sounds to me like you and your husband honestly are both tired. Each is expecting the other to step up to the plate and take over. There's a couple things you could try. One is streamlining your housework. www.flylady.net offers some really good suggestions on that. Streamline your dinner routine too. Start becoming good friends with your crock pot if you have one. You put the food in there in the morning, less heat throughout the house during the day, and ta da dinner is served. Even tough meat will be tender in it. So you can buy less expensive meat (and save $) and still have a good meal. Also, practice a family quiet time, maybe right after dad gets home. Having a small nutritious snack ready for everyone if dinner isn't ready could help keep the grumpies away. One of the biggest things I'd suggest is to NOT plop down in front of the TV. Nothing zaps your energy like sitting for a long time. Maybe institute a family walk after dinner. Just around the block, or maybe to the park to let the kids run off some energy. You and your husband could enjoy some quiet time on the bench talking about how your day went. Going somewhere where the kids can run around, but you don't have to can help. Or maybe have a family camping night once a week. Put a sheet on the floor, pop some popcorn, turn off the lights and watch a kid friendly movie. I guess I'm suggesting using your creativity. It's important that BOTH of you do this, not just you. Your husband needs to offer suggestions an try out new ideas too. Also, look into a babysitter you can trust. Nothing builds a better relationship for couples than time together. Sometimes it's nothing more than bringing the kids to the sitters, going back home, snuggling and having a much needed nap together. Is there another mom in your predicament who could swap babysitting with you? You'd both benefit. Best of luck, S.

Oh sweetie I have been there. I have two boys of my own Daniel who is 2 and Matthew who is 11 months old. And my family and friends are all like half hour away and I actually went through a time of post partum depression it got so bad. Being secluded all day with two boys and no help because my husband was working almost full time and going to school full time. I ended up reaching out and finding this post partum depression group in the Lansing area that helped me get in with a psychiatrist and I also spoke with the pediatrician about it. They suggested that if my husband was unable to help then he either needed to hire someone to come help me a couple times a week. Or see if different people in the family could help once or twice a month by coming to the house and staying with the children for a few hours so that I could leave or do whatever I wanted. I am lucky to have a large family and I was able to work out different weekends so my in-laws my mother my sister and my brother and his girlfriend were all coming once a month on the weekend for practically a whole day and that way I was able to look forward to my free time every weekend. Then once my husband finished his schooling I spoke with him in regards as to how he looks at helping me with the kids. I told him its not helping me with the kids its you being a father a spending time with the kids when you get home. So we agreed to having dinner at 5:30 when he gets home than he plays with the kids while I clean up and then we both give them baths and watch a movie with them and read to them. Also when he goes to the store he can take one of them with him and the weekends he needs to dedicate an afternoon usually sundays doing something as a family. Of course every family is different and we all have our own routines. But think about your familys schedule and routine and see what works for you. All it took was a few discussions to get my husband to see that although he works full time and comes home tired I am also working full time the only difference is I don't get to clock out and leave my job for a change of scenery and interract with other adults. I am just as tired as he is but I still have to hang in there until the kids bedtime so he needs to step up and be a father and not look at it as helping you but look at it as spending time with his children because they need him too. We also sat down and looked at the calendar to make out a schedule as to when mommy gets to do things for herself or something that needs to be done and when daddy gets to do stuff for himself or other things that need to be done. And we also worked out time for each of us to be able to sleep in. Also every now and then like once or twice a month daddy gets to take care of dinner. Having two young ones is EXTREMELY tiring and it definitely puts strains on a couple in so many ways. Any how if you would like to talk some more you can email me. Do you live in the Lansing area? Good luck and I hope some of my story was of some help.

Here is a list, pick and choose or try them all.

1. Counseling. I know it sounds extreme but you don't want to become bitter. He doesn't understand how you feel and a 3rd party person may be able to help.

2. See if you can schedule a saturday away (all day and all night). Leave the kids with him and don't prep everything before you leave. Don't even leave instructions. He needs to put himself in your shoes. I know you have to "Trust" him with the kids with no help. Don't do any of this out of anger be very sweet. If he says it's too hard then just remind him that you do it every day and he will do a great job.

3. Men will live up to your expectations or down to them. What are you expecting from him? What words are you using. If he does ANYTHING for you praise him. All men want a cheerleader. I know it's not fair and it's stupid but trust me on this one. Watch his eyes light up because he did something right.

4. Pray. If you are a woman of faith pray for him and with him.

This is a very hard time. It gets better I promise. My kids are 6 and 8 now and I love this age.

S.

You've gotten some great advice, but don't set your expectation too high that when you husband comes home he will transition to Super Dad. Men just don't do that like Moms do. I found that when I am very specific that helps. However I work full time with three kids and that he did A load of laundry when there are 4 or more to do just doesn't really seem to help. I usually just tell him to keep it up and keep going and he doesn't see that as recognizing that he did something. It's hard to see them do 10% or what you are doing, but find what works for both of you and go with it. Again don't expect too much and some days will be really good and others will be awful. We all have bad days at the office.

Try this. At the beginning of the day ask him to do ONE thing when he comes home. You: Honey what time will you be home? He: about 6:00. You: Great. I miss you when you're gone (absolutely NO sarcasm). Hey , do you think you could take Kellen for a walk about 6:30. He's been missing you a lot lately. He: ...

This way, you've given him a time frame that is not right when he gets home and have asked for specific help not for YOU but for your son. It gets overwhelming to be tired and know there are a but load of things to do and not know where to start. Thank him promptly "Thanks so muck for taking Kellen for a walk. I've noticed he is so much easier to get down after your walk" After about 3-4 days, ask for 2 items like "You do such a good job with taking time with Kellen. Do you think you could watch the baby for 30 min when you get back. I'd like to spend some alone time with my son". Or you could give him 2 choices "I need to get the laundry done and the dishes. Do you want to start a load of laundry or start on the dishes".

You CANNOT nag if things aren't done. You can point out that you were counting on him, but now you will do it.

Thanking promptly for the little things (taking out the trash, putting away the dinner dishes) also helps.

First of all I have a son named Kellan also. I spell it with "an" instead of "en" :) Anyway try encouraging him first. Try saying I really appreciate it when you......................
Tell him you are tired from chasing around two kids and it would be nice if you could work as a team and help eachother out. It is hard for some reason for men to appreciate their women staying home and taking care of the kids. Instead of critizing try complimenting what he does do and it will help get him to do more.

Hi, I can't say my husband didn't help. He did pretty good. However, family was one - two hours away as well. Sleepwise, I would take a nap sometimes during the weekend when my hubby got home. The weekend was my husband's turn to get up during the night and made sure I got at least 8 to 9 hours of sleep. What tasks would help you the most?? Ask him if he will help you with these items when he gets home. Honestly, I don't think it's terrible for you ask him to help after work. You worked all day and all night......I remember those times!

I had my husband put the dishes in the dishwasher and do a load of laundry every other day or so. Communication is important!

Yes I have been and am in the same situation. my husband helped me a lot with out first child and it seems that he has helped me less with each one, we have(3). Right now he is working 60 hours a week plus driving 5 hours a day so I leave him alone. However when he is not working this much he seems to be out in his barn fiddling around with his stuff. Occasionally the kids are out there but they are 5,2 and 10 months and he is not very good at keeping an eye on them outside. I have found that I have to arrange a babysitter if I need to go do something and if you do not have a good source for babysitters ask in the neighborhood or call your local high school. There may be a Grandmother in your area that will be available during the day also. I have also joined a local MOPS group (Moms of preschoolers). They usually provide free childcare during meetings and this will also give you a chance to talk to other moms. Our meetings are at night, every other week and during school months. So if you husband is at home at night maybe it would be good for him to take care of them while you are gone so he can see what it is like even in a small dose. I work as an occasional at work so I can make my own hours and schedule myself and have found that my kids have benefited from going to daycare once in a while they actually asked recently if they could go back because they have so much fun. It has also benfited me as when I am not at home all the time I am a better mom. Working two days a week gives me a good break. Good luck. Hope you get things worked out and make sure you keep up the communication with your husband too its so important.

Ask your hubby to take on some chores, and he can do them at his leasure, as long as they get done. If he doesn't do them, just leave him "sweet" reminders, like a piece of candy and a note to remind him to do the chores. Also, make one day a week ( I like Saturday) when you are kid duty free, which means you don't feed, clean or change the kids. If he needs help, he has to ask, then help him. Also, don't forget you need time to yourself, so maybe on night a week he takes the kids so you can go and do something for yourself with out the kids.

That's a great relationship??? It's been redefined. If you argue about this issue all the time, I'd re-assess the greatness.
No actually I empathize. Been there done that.

Tell your hubby either he lends a hand with what he wasn't too tired to help create!!!!! or there will be serious consequences. He gets to get out of the house, use his working abilities, socialize and come home expecting roses?? And you have little outside the home, no life except mum and dad?

Better get this straightened out real fast.

Fair or not, your husband's life didn't change the way yours did when your babies were born. Sit down with him and be honest. Tell him you just can't handle all the upkeep that is being put on you. Ask him to help. Men aren't very good at seeing what needs to be done. My housefull of boys can walk right by dishes, trash, dirt, doghair, etc and never see it!!! Working dads will rarely understand all that is required of SAHM's. Even if left to do the same job for a day or two, they still don't have to worry about things like groceries, meal planning, laundry, appointments, school, etc....they only focus on the 'babysitting'. Although they may be the best dads around, it's just different! I would hate to go do my husband's job (electrician) so I try to keep that perspective, too.

All that said, ease up on yourself. You don't have to do it all. Taking care of mom is the only way to lead a happy family! We are often hardest on ourselves...I would bet that you are a wonderful mother/wife/housekeeper and that letting it slide will be okay!

Don't forget to mention it to your doc, too. Many, many women's bodies need some boosting after childbirth...its just hard to recognize because we attribute it to babies and pregnancy!

~L.

Tell your husband you are packing up and going home, leaving him with the 2 children. See if he gets his tired butt up to help out. You worked all day.
On the serious side, I would suggest joining a church group and meeting some friends that may be in the same situation as you.
Maybe you could take turns giving each other a break.
Good luck to you, and remember children grow so fast you'll someday wonder where all the years went. Enjoy them while they are easy to keep an eye on. Sometimes we fret and worry and get tired when we think we have to many, pity the people who never have any.
God Bless and take care

Hi A.,

The only thing I can think of, is jion a group. If there's a mom's group or a mom to mom group or something, do it.You usually can find out about groups through your county health department. This will give you an opportunity to meet other moms and hopefully establish new friends. Another thing you can do is tell your husband that on a certain day you will be going somewhere and he is to take care of the children. Then go park somewhere and take a nap or go shopping or get your hair done. You need to do something only for you !!!!!!

It will be easier if you can get some time to yourself. You help yourself and the other stuff will get easier.

I do understand where you are coming from. I dealt with it.

Good luck and God bless,
L.

Take a Saturday off, leaving him with the kids. Don't come home until the time he usually comes home from work, then when you do crack yourself a beer and put your feet up and tell him you are too tired to do anything and why isn't dinner ready???

Dana

Dear A. S.,

Perhaps your husband is just feeling overwhelmed by the thought of supporting three others besides himself. Maybe he will be more helpful after he adjusts to the thought of providing for one more child.

If he does not begin to help you within a year or so, I would figure you need to let go of that idea because it isn't going to happen.

L. C.

My husband and I went through a similar situation when our second child was born. With the first, he was an enormous help! Getting up to do nighttime feedings, always giving the baths, etc. With the second, he was useless. He wouldn't hardly pick the baby up. After a couple months, I finally just sat him down and, without making any accusations, asked him what was wrong. He admitted to me that since I was nursing this baby (our first was formula fed) he felt like he wasn't needed. Basically, a case of low self esteem! The baby was very attached to me and freaked out when other's held him, so I gave my husband a bunch of examples of things he could do to help me out and even started taking "mommy time" every Sunday afternoon, where I left the house for a couple hours, so he could be the one in charge and have bonding time without me. Progress has been gradual and works even better now that I'm no longer nursing, but Daddy and baby are now the best of friends!

For support for you, I recommend finding a local MOPS group or something along those lines. Mom's need other mom friends!

Hi A.,

I know exactly how you feel...I have a 3 year old and a 2 month old. Some days I don't even have time to sit down and rest! I will tell you what works for me and my husband. This might sound old-fashioned, but I don't expect my husband to help with housework too much...I will occasionally ask him to do things but for the most part I believe because I am home everyday and he is at work that the housework is mostly my responsibility. However, I do not let him slack when it comes to taking care of the kids. They are his kids too and I don't feel it's asking too much to need him to simply be a father. When he comes home from work the kids are his. He entertains them, gets them things they need, and gets them ready for bed...pretty much everything except breastfeed the baby! This gives me a much needed break and allows me to get dinner made and housework done that I've fallen behind on. It works out well for all of us because he has time to bond with the kids too. Another suggestion I have is to find a friend that you can swap kids with once or twice a week for a few hours. It doesn't cost a penny and gives you both time to yourselves. There are a lot of good suggestions on here, do what works best for you. Good luck!

Maybe he is too tired and especially right after work. Just tell him that you just can't do it all either, so, you are going to hire someone to do the cleaning, cooking, laundry, babysitting or whatever it is you need help with. At first you may think you can't afford it but, you may just need to do some restructuring of the budget. If he refuses to let you hire someone, then say, ok then you must take on such and such responsibility, and make it specific, don't just say help out. Do not nag him and do not do his job for him. If it is the vacuuming and he doesn't do it, you have dirty floors. You have to be willing to let go on some things. Most people who have young children do not have perfectly clean houses. You both need to take care of yourselves so you can give to each other and your children. It sounds like you both need some me time. Give him a couple of hours a couple of nights a week to work out, hang with the guys, ride his bike or what ever. You also need some time. Give your self permission to take it. Get a babysitter! You will both be happier. Our kids love their babysitters. They enjoy having someone new and fun to play with. Your husband may also want some attention from you without the kids. Get a babysitter and have a date night once a week. Good luck

Hi,I know it is hard. Their day ends after work and ours still continues through the night. I am an stepmom of a 5 yr old and a 12 yr old. Mine is a great man just doesn't understand what help i really need sometimes. It is as simple as putting their own stuff away. Anyways I don't have much advise since i haven't figured out what works yet:) I do know that building friendships is the most important. If you want to talk or just need someone to listen give me a buzz. I could not get through alot of things without some good friends. I live in the Portage MI area if your close you can join us for a girls night.My email is ____@____.com things get better. Just keep on talking to him and try to express your needs and emotion and try not to show anger or blame. I found they dont like it if we act like a mother to them. I just wish they would stop acting like another one of our kids sometimes:)

I have one daughter and am exauhsted most of the time! ha ha ha

But, early on we went through something similar. My husband would work all day, come home and maybe play with our daughter, work her all up, and then let me send her off to bed. That was it. I would then pick up from the daily daughter mess and start dinner. By the time it was all over I was dead on my feet. We finally had a discussion about it and I asked if he could help with dinners sometimes. He responded "I'm just so tired from working all day and don't have the energy to come right home and cook'

I said 'oh, like I do?' He never thought about the fact that I WAS working all day ... cleaning and taking care of our daughter. That resonated with him.

I have also found that my husband is very specifically oriented. Telling him 'I need more help' just doesn't cut it. I have to be specific. I have to tell him 'I need you to do xyz'. Men don't do well with vagueness. They need specifics. They also aren't great with multitasking. One specific task at a time. Think about what might help you the most.... and then ask him to do that. Often times for me it is giving our daughter a bath after dinner and getting her ready for bed. That allows me to clean up after dinner without having my daughter underfoot....and actually, I enjoy the mindless work and can just get lost in my thoughts for a moment.

Maybe you can talk to him about having some 'mommy time'. Maybe one night a week take up a yoga class, or exercise or something. Crafts...whatever you want. Something to get you out of the house away from the kids. I have also found that when I think my husband isn't really appreciating how much energy our daughter takes... asking him to babysit for a couple of hours does the trick. ;-) He is then reminded just how much focused energy it takes to be with her and he is more appreciative of what I do.

Gentle persuasion is what typically works with my man of the house. ;-)

Good luck!

This might be hard to hear, but I have found that the only person I can change is me. Focusing on how your husband is letting you down will lead to you being more and more discontent, and treating him poorly which will only contribute to a downward spiral. People say that marriage is a fifty-fifty partership. To have a great marriage, though, it needs to be both of you giving 100 percent, not fifty. Being at home with two kids IS hard (I know, I am at home with four), but so is going out to work all day. Maybe he is frustrated at work, or having trouble with a coworker - try to honestly look at whether you are being the wife he needs right now rather than thinking only of what you wish he was doing for you. Maybe this doesn't seem fair, but being a wife and mother is not really about getting what you deserve. It is about loving sacrificially. I would bet that your husband would respond to your love much better than to your reminding him of his duties to you. I wish you luck in doing what is right, even when it is difficult.

My husband is a stay at home dad and what we did is come up with a flexible weekly plan of chores that we both agreed on in advance and then posted on the refrigerator. we found that having a proactive approach cut down on the arguements. Maybe you could ask your husband to start off with 2-3 things a week that he doesn't mind doing and have him pick the days he prefers to do them and see how it goes. Good luck

I think this is very common for new families. My husband didn't have any appreciation for what I did with our two girls (or what I complained about doing -- by myself) until his sister babysat for us one night. She has to call her husband over to help her (they don't have any children). My husband and I were supposed be out Easter shopping, but fought instead (about his lack of help, and him thinking he does as much as he can). When we walked through our door and my brother-in-law handed me our two-month-old, he said, "J., I don't know how you do it." I was already emotional... I took the baby, turned and looked at my husband to make sure he heard my brother-in-law, started crying, and walked away. After our "sitters" left, my husband came to me and apologized. He said he appreciated all of what I was doing, and that he knew it was A LOT! We still fight a bit about him "not helping," but he helps in his own way. He might stain the laundry, or leave me as a single mom for weeks to months at a time, but he's helping the best way he feels he can. Someone recommended reading The Five Love Languages (I think that's what it's called) together. They said it would really help us appreciate what we are doing for each other, and then make us want to do even more.

Hang in there, and good luck! Give it time... you guys are going through the biggest transition period of your lives.

This is a tough situation, which I think all couples go through. I have found that my husband is much more willing to help out if I ask him either to do a specific chore or watch the baby so I can do that chore instead. I also told him that I needed one day a week to have time for myself while he was responsible for watching the baby, which has made him realize how hard it is to watch the baby for more than just an hour or two. I am a lot happier with more sleep/rest, and he finally understood that! He still doesn't help out as much as I would like him to, but the tension surrounding the topic has eased significantly and we don't argue about it nearly as much as we did.
Best of luck to you--I hope you find something that works for you!