Husband Lied to Me!

I would ask him this. Why did he lie? Don't know, but if you're fuming, them tell him and get on with life. You can't really take the gift back at this point. The money is spent, she's happy she got the present she wanted. 16 is a "special" day and you have more important things to worry about. good luck

seems like a lot of money to spend on a friend's niece? Who's friend is she? Yours or your husbands? I'm thinking your husbands. Maybe this friend's family has done a lot and your husband just wants to repay kindness. Before you over-react (yes, he did lie and yes, that is a big deal) I would sit down calmly (no yelling) and ask him why he did what he did and why he didn't tell you about it. I have a feeling that he may have told her that he would get her a North Face jacket in the first place,without consulting you, and when you expressed your feeling on this he just decided to drop it(with you)and do it anyway. This way the girl gets what she wants (and he promised) and he doesn't get you upset. Guys do dumb things like that and think that it's not a big deal or that we won't find out. Most guys hate confrontation, and they think a little white lie is no big deal. If he really didn't want to get caught he would have hidden the receipt. I'm sure he thinks nothing of this and you are getting yourself worked up and he is thinking what's the big deal? Men are just do dumb things because they don't think things out all the way to the end. Once you have the conversation about the lie you then need to have a conversation about how much money is okay to spend without consulting the other person. I bought my husband a big screen tv when we were married a year and expecting our daughter. I was just thinking that with the baby we wouldn't be out as much, and it would be a nice gift (for both of us). As happy as he was that he had the tv, he was very mad that I spent that kind of money without consulting him. I was working full time and really didn't think it was a big deal. We then sat down and decided that anything (even presents for each other) over $200 had to be ok'd with the other person. 7 years later and it's still working great.

I have to say that the lie itself is disturbing- but it is also disturbing to me that your husband would get an expensive gift for a teen age girl and lie to you about it! Maybe he was just concerned about saving face with the girl's family or looking 'cheap' but it sounds like something weird is going on. Maybe he DID promise this girl a North Face jacket. In my experience, if a husband finds it easy to lie to you about one thing, he will find it just as easy to lie about something else and keep doing it. I would start looking at credit card receipts, etc. regularly if you don't already and keep track of your finances. Don't be naive like I was- my ex husband lied to me about all kinds of bills, etc. and even about paying our taxes for more than 2 years. He ruined my credit rating and lied to me over and over, even when we were in counseling and he was supposedly trying to change. I am NOT saying your husband is a chronic liar- but once he gets into the habit, it is very easy to start doing it about bigger and bigger things! Go to see a counselor with him about this RIGHT NOW. Confront him calmly and make sure he knows just how important this is to you and insist on counseling. good luck!!

Hello T.: A little about me...mother of 4, 2 girls - 2 boys, married to my husband for 16 years and together for nearly 20 years...He's 42 and I'm 40.

Let's be honest...it is absolutely frustrating that our husbands lie to us, the fact is they do. Sometimes we have some intuition about things and we either hold onto it, follow through or we let the intuition make us insane...

His family may not have known that you were not in total agreement with the jacket, therefore I would not call or mention this to them at all. It's your business. It would only open up a can of worms that you may not recover from with the family. The niece probably called you to thank you for the gift card because when he gave it to her he told the niece it was from you...hence he would not have to explain anything to her about your finances and now the niece thinks you're amazing. Men are not smart enough to think through things and have a 16 year old lie for them unless he's a social path, which doesn't sound like the case. The niece probably thinks you two are the greatest right now because she walked away with theses gifts. She probably even thinks that you're very proud of her and she is deserving, besides she is 16, right. Also, it sounds to me like your husband did promise her the jacket initially. It was too specific for him not to have mentioned.

Advice: Men are sexual: women are emotional. Stand your ground be firm but sensual. Explain to him how it made you feel, made you look to his family and what it does to your relationship as a whole (trust factor), this is two-fold because you have to appeal to his vulnerable side while communicating, maybe in bed, after the baby is down for the night, when the stakes are high... Be blessed and don't let this incident ruin your marriage.

Well I think clarification is also needed. I am also baffled why you would need to buy an expensive gift for someone who is not even a family member but a "friend's neice", especially if money is an issue. Did he go overboard and promise her something, then feel he had to make good? Is there something inappropriate going on here (flirtation?) Sorry but that is immediately what comes to mind. What is the relationship here that it was so important to him, but not to you? Then there is the question of the dishonesty. Yes, sometimes couples have different ideas about what they want to spend their money on. But going behind people's back is never good, and always gets found out in the end. Also, hubby made you look bad in front of others-not cool. If I were you the most important thing would be to understand what is behind the need to get "friend's neice" an expensive gift.

wow! I don't know that I have any good advice for you but I'm just thinking....

He lied to you about not suggesting a jacket and then getting her the jacket.....huge
He made you look horrible....total disrespect
He had a child lie to you for her benefit....she is still a child
He thought it was more important she have the jacket than make a decision w/his wife...why was it so important she have this gift
He has that family in on it in case they must lie as well.....that is low
He acts as if you are the problem because you have a problem with this....is he kidding

Something sounds odd to me but I won't suggest anything because I don't know your situation. I'm thinking if this was such a easy lie for him, then he may be a habitual liar. I wish you the best.

I think his main fault was that he was unwilling to tell you that he was fine with spending more on her present and actually wanted to get her what she wanted. You say you told him to "get her a gift card" but he clearly didn't really want to. Because there wasn't a real discussion and concensus between you, he took the easy way out. This really says more about communication between you both than it does about lying. The lying is symptomatic of other issues. Why is it that he felt the need to not be more direct?

I think the best you can do for your relationship is let it go. I know it was far more money than you expected, and it may be extremely hard on your budget ( I know it would be for mine)....but somehow I believe your husband must have thought the child actually was promised the jacket (sometimes a few beers can make for generous offers) and did not want the child to think he was a liar...I'm sure you feel upset, and that is normal, but let it go for your own benefit. At some time in the future, have a talk with him about how you feel such a large expense should have been JOINT decision and you will do your best to keep him in the loop as to what you spend as well.

I think the biggest issue here is that he induced a 16 year old to lie. It is just staggering that he would think that is ok on any level. And the family went along with this? Not a group of people I would associate with, personally.

However, the other issue is that you two seem to be caught in a bad dynamic. You scream, he sneaks around. Not healthy. You two might want to go to an objective 3rd party and try some new communication techniques.

Hi T.-

I agree with Dolly on this one. A lot of men don't like confrontation and if they disagree with you it's easier to go ahead and do what they want to do and deal with the consequences later. I totally agree that lying to your spouse is a huge violation of trust and having been in the situation before (with my husband lying about something stupid) it seems that when men disagree they sometimes do it anyway and don't discuss it with you just because they think that it's not a big deal. At the time that it happened to me I began to have some major trust issues with my husband and hopefully he won't do it again but I also feel my husband is a decent person and wouldn't lie about something significant. Good luck- I hope you can work it out.

This sounds like a similar scenario to a situation between my husband and I. My husband is an accountant and he tends to be very strict about how we spend our money. There have been moments in the past where I wanted to buy a nicer gift and embellished a little on how much I spent, so that I would not hear the wrath of my husband and our family budget. I do appreciate all that he does for helping us out, but there are times when he goes overboard. We talked about it and I told him that I don’t want to be forced to lie to him, and he agreed that sometimes he is a bit of a tightwad and should not get so angry. These are tough times, but I have people in my life that I am very close too and love very much and would like to give them a little something extra special. How close is your husband to this friend’s niece? Does he look at the friend like a brother? Maybe this meant a lot to him and he was afraid you would yell at him and not allow him to buy it; therefore he felt it was easier to just lie to you. It is never okay to lie, but sometimes people don’t want to deal with getting yelled at. My husband and I changed the way we talk to each other now. We try not to talk down to each other and listen to the other’s reasoning as to whether we should or shouldn’t spend the money. It sounds like you both need to have this same discussion.

Hi,

I do think your overreacting over a jacket, and the reason why your husband didnt tell you was because you would get mad, like you did and yell at home. Plus its his niece. I tend to buy my niece and nephews what they want to for special occasions.Instead of yelling, I would confront him and say well you could have told me its not as though I would say no, and say the same thing to his family.

There is more going on here. There is no way your husband should be lying to you over a present for a "friend's niece". He needs to explain to you and make you understand his reasons for feeling compelled to go behind your back and purchase such an expensive gift for a "friend's niece". In my opinion you are not overreacting at all.

I would be fuming too, what he did was ridiculous. Not because he bought the jacket but because he felt he wasn't able to just tell you what he did. Doesn't send a good message to your friend's family on the communication in your family and makes it seem like he feels like he has to hide things from you. Not a good example for the 16 year old either.

I would probably drop it for now and then talk to your hubby in a few days when you are both not upset and ask why he felt he had to hide the purchase from you. Miscommunications happen and sometime you have to bite the bullet and buy a jacket - maybe he didn't want to look cheap or maybe he did mention Northface to the girl. Regardless, he should not ever feel the need to lie to you so he also needs to know that he can tell you unpopular decisions and you will still support him even if you don't agree. I told my husband once that five minutes of me being mad about something is better then creating mistrust and doubt in a relationship.

I understand your frustration, my husband and I have had similar situations. Honesty is key! Try to talk to him and ask why he could not be straight forward with you. Maybe that was a very valid reason.

Peace!