Husband Is Sometimes Mean to My Son!!!!

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video tape him.. Without him noticing.. Do it one day in the living room another day in the dining room if you have a cell phone that records, record all of you in the car..

This is going to do 2 things for you.. It will let you see if you are just being too sensitive, or it is going to validate what you are observing.

How heartbreaking for you to watch your son being treated so unfairly and even worse ignored.

Your husband is in denial about his behavior. The only way he is going to believe it is to see it.

You are correct a 7 year old is still a young child. This is a time when he is still developing his self worth and self confidence. It will actually continue till he is a teen. If anyone treated your toddler this way, what would your husband feel?

Also remind him that he may not think he sounds a certain way with your son, but his tone, comes out too strong and is tone comes out uncaring.

This may be a good time for family therapy for you and your husband.
I am sending you strength..

He is damaging his/your son. Even now. Every.single.day he is damaging Your/his son.
I am so sorry.
This is totally, unforgivable...

Boys... do NOT grow up well, that way.
Your Husband is wrong.
Belittling and insulting a 'boy' is and will cause highly negative problems upon your son... and later when he is in school... the behavioral problems will surface... in a badly socialized child.

Your Husband... is 'abusing' his son.

When I was a child... I was told all the time by a primary caregiver... that I was "stupid" and "dumb" etc. That was the 'nice' things I was told. I grew up... actually thinking... I was stupid and useless. It took me until COLLEGE... to overcome those hang-ups... but I had parents that believed in me.
Your son does not.

I feel very sorry, for your son.
Your Husband... is VERY VERY much so, damaging your son.
DO NOT STAND FOR IT.
Your Husband, needs to take classes in parenting AND child development.
He is NOT very smart... to be doing this degree of harm, to your son.

The way your Husband is treating your son... is NOT "love." It is, SADISTIC. And it will harm, your son, emotionally and psychologically. This is the way... Sociopaths are developed.

And, your Husband... NEEDS counseling himself.... to figure out WHY THE HELL... he wants to knowingly.... destroy your son... emotionally and mentally.
Your Husband... is a very disturbed man...and, he is mean and fake. Because, He is only 'nice' to your son when others are around or IF he is in a good mood. THIS... tells me, that your Husband.... is very very irrational and fake and this is NOT love. It is just mean.

You NEED TO PROTECT your son. Please do so.
He is just a child. He is blind to what is appropriate or inappropriate actions by your Husband. Because he is only a child. And he is innocent. You MUST protect your son. Your son 'loving' him... is just a child's heart trying to be accepted. Children can get desperate too... if they are HABITUALLY insulted and humiliated. And this will only teach your son a VERY Dysfunctional "love." Not real love.

WHY WHY WHY... would you want to be with a man.... that does this to your son... AND doesn't care how mean he is? I would leave him. You are risking your son, for him.

**ADDING THIS:**
Here is a link for you, for the Big Brothers/Big Sisters Organization of Los Angeles. It is a GREAT organization, that provides Mentors for children who do not have a Dad or Mom in their life. It is Free.
My friend, a single parent, got her son a "Big Brother"... and it REALLY helped him a lot.
http://www.bbbslaie.org/

THIS... would be much better for your son... than your Husband.
Your Husband... IF he even cares about you or your son... WILL go to Parenting classes and counseling.
If not... he will always damage your son.
That is not love. And that is NOT love for you, either.

all the best,
Susan

mmmmmmmm when he is in a good mood OR "OR WHEN COMPANY IS AROUND"

SIGNS TO ME THAT YOU SHOULD GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION NOW BEFORE IT ESCULATES

GOD BLESS

Your husband sounds like the classic male in the animal kingdom, reject what is not his biologically. He actually might not see he is doing it or thinks it's not as bad. I agree you need to audio tape him. Was he like this before your second was born? Either way it is your job to look out for your child. Tape him , play it back and tell him if he does not seek help to figure out why he is mean to his SS, then you two might have more to talk about and this includes your marriage. I'm sorry for your 7 year old. My son is 7 and my hubs and him are totally in love with eachother, my son adores his dad. But if my hubs is over tired and a little short tempered with my son, it crushes him. So I can only imagine if this is a constant how your little boy is feeling. Shame on your husband.

i disagree strongly with the advice to secretly videotape this man. above and beyond the ethical question (your husband is not an employee, one's home should be open, safe and honest), this man sounds like a loose cannon and i don't trust what his reaction would be. i suspect it would make things worse for your little boy.
and make no mistake, this is bad. your husband is doing irreparable damage, and you are all that stands between them. it's a terrible situation for you, since you have a child with this fellow and the bio dad isn't in the picture. you MUST advocate for your son, and you must make it work. you are all he has. i strongly suggest counseling. but above all, do not let this slide and just hope it goes away. every single day this goes on, it's hurting your son in ways that can't be measured.
make your husband listen.
khairete
S.

I don't know whether this is a case where your husband is showing preferential treatment to your toddler because he is the bio-dad or whether or your husband is able to bond better with younger children than he can with older kids, but this is not good, not good at all. Your 7-year old son does need a loving, supportive father around as well as a father that he can rough house with and play sports with. He needs to feel accepted in his own home by both parents even if one parent happens to be a stepparent.

I don't know what to tell you because you do have a toddler with this man and, no doubt, you do love him and want to make the marriage work so threatening to leave him unless his attitude changes probably won't work. And you can't make this man change his attitude unless he wants to change his attitude. The only thing I can recommend is finding out what marriage and family therapy services are available to you and coaxing your husband to go see a therapist with you. There may be something from your husband's own childhood that is deep seated and causing him to behave the way he is behaving toward his stepson. A lot of times people repeat patterns without being aware of it. But you've got to get this guy into therapy with a professional to try to dig up what's going on with his psyche.

I hope you are able to find a peaceful resolution to this situation soon. Sending out prayers to you and your family.

As you know this is very important to get fixed sooner rather than later. I agree with tape recording him secretly. There may be a combination of you being overly sensitive to your son & your husband not being a great stepfather to your son, but a recording will be able to help figure it out. And of course counseling would be great.

One thing that you may want to point out to your husband is that by him showing preferential treatment to his bio son that your son may in the future resent his brother because he will feel excluded, unloved etc. It's important for both boys to feel loved the same by dad.

See if DH will spend more quality one on one time with your son even if it's just running errands or going for an ice cream or throwing a football around. Good luck

A 7 year old is NOT " a big boy"...yes he is bigger physically than your toddler and can do and understand things that your toddler can't . but he is still a child and has needs and wants and things that he deserves. You are the advocate for both of your children and you need to start advocating NOW!!! Since you say that your husband treats your 7 year old differently when "he is in a good mood" or when "company is present"...this is something that he CAN control...and somehow you need to be able to communicate calmly and lovingly with him that he is damaging not only your 7 year old but your toddler with this treatment!!! He is damaging the loving connection that can be such a wonderful bond between your two boys as they grow up, your toddler will "parrot" the treatment that he sees being given out to your older son.
When you decide to talk with your husband about this, please avoid "YOU" statements ( You are always mean to our older son) and use "I" statements ( I feel like there is a real difference in the way our sons are treated at times and this concerns me greatly). I would be very careful of how you use the ideas of secretly taping or videoing your son and your husband as they interact. I found myself thinking how my husband would react if I were to do something like that to him!!! He would not be very pleased that I was "tricking" him and "spying " on him. ( And please know that I have never had a problem with my husband being unloving towards our children). If you do this I would suggest that you approach it in a nonthreatening way...."Honey, I have videoed you and .... together and sometime when you are interested I would love to show it to you. Sometimes I don't think you are even AWARE of how your treatement of the two boys differ". You may very well need professional counseling, is your older son already involved in some counseling through school or the state medicaid program? This could be a possible source of help and reinforcement for you.
You simply cannot let this situation continue because your son will be the one to pay the ultimate price for this and I cannot imagine that you are happy in a situation that is so filled with stress and lack of caring.

His behavior is horrible. This needs to stop now. This would be a deal beaker for me if it continues. Aslo toddlers should not watch inappropriate shows either or is he doing this so your precious son will not go near him. This boy is his family and he needs to treat him like he is family. I feel bad for your son. Now that you know he is doing this its your job to protect your son from this horrible treatment. Good luck!.

This makes me sick to my stomach. I had a friend that went through the same situation. She was treated so badly by her step father, while her siblings were loved and cared for. Of course she grew up to have a lot of problems. You have to stand up for your child. I don't care how big he is, he is still a CHILD. If your husband didn't want a ready made family, he should not have married you. I can't stand when people marry someone with a child, and then treats the child badly. You don't have to share blood to show someone you love them. What a bully he sounds like to treat this child so bad. You should not leave him alone with your child. Therapy might work, but I've learned you can't make a person love. It's not good enough for him to ltolerate your son, he should show this child love. He stepped into the father role when he married you. How did he treat your child before you had your other child? Was he a picture perfect father, but changed when he had his "own" child? Put your foot down. He needs your protection and love. Good Luck to you and your children.

Go to counseling IMMEDIATELY if you want to keep the marriage, otherwise leave now. You must stand up for your son. Tell your husband this is not acceptable, that you will leave him if it doesn't stop, and be prepared to follow through. Your son can't defend himself. No relationship is worth sacrificing your child. I will pray that you gain the strenght to do what you need to do.

You are being a good mom, and you know something is wrong. I think it is wonderful you are sticking up for your son, and noticing the difference in the way your husband is treating the kids. Sometimes this happens even with biological children, but I think it can be particularly alienating if it is your step-parent treating you with less warmth.

Yes, 7-year-olds do need different boundaries and discipline from toddlers, but they also need lots and lots of love. The strict side has to be balanced with the loving side, and it sounds like your husband is more on the strict side. Maybe your husband was raised the same way, and he feels he needs to be that way with your son? In any case, the relationship between the two of them needs to be improved.

You might want to look into family therapy of some kind, or some way to get your husband to realize what he is doing (maybe he is in denial, or truly doesn't see what he is doing). The early years are important, and children need their fathers, whether they are blood-related, or not.

Mom, this is something that you need to put a stop to now, if this were my marriage, 2nd husbands behavior would be a deal breaker. Sit down with your husband today and let him know your feelings about his treatment of his step son without getting upset, just in a calm, matter of fact way. I'd give it a month and if things don't improve I'd consider telling your husband you want to seek marital counseling. Give your older son plenty of love too as a Mom to let him know how loved he is. Unfortunately things like this happens when a 2nd marriage happens often and step children are involved, it is so unfair to them. Put your foot down on this one Mom, I'd even suggest step son Dad outings on their own for bonding.

You "think" he's being mean to your 7 yr. old? He's not a big boy - he's still a little boy, just slightly older than a toddler. You are right, it will definitely lower his self esteem. If this "dad" wants to be a good father to his biological child, he will treat that child's brother with the same love and respect that his own receives. The better all of their relationships are the better for both brothers. The younger child will be much more buddy/buddy with his older brother in years to come than with his dad and it will all come back to "dad" if he isn't careful. You can tell him that if he loves YOU, he will treat the boys the exact same. I wouldn't take any compromises when it came to either of my children and it would create a real problem in my love for my husband to see this behavior. It might be a nasty fuss ... but you might remind him that you're not with the 7 yr. old's father and you would LOVE to stay with the toddler's dad ... but only if he can be the right man in the lives of BOTH boys. The younger child is watching how his brother is treated and learning from his dad to be a "good" man or a rude one. Follow your gut instinct and stay firm on this crappy behavior.

I would make it clear that you will not put up with his behavior towards your son. If he will not change it, then I would leave him and take both kids. How does he treat you?

K.,

Your sons adoration of his step dad could have to do with wanting approval. Kids love their parents and need their approval, even when parents are belittling, unkind or even brutal.

Would your husband go for a couple of sessions of Family Counseling? In my opinion 7 year olds still need a bit of babying, so I am with you, and I too would worry about self esteem issues. See if you can get someone to mediate for you. If counseling is not an option possibly go to a parenting class with your husband. Trust your gut. The situation needs improvement and you are being wise and brave to address it.

Since you mentioned that your son's bio-father is absent, would it be possible for your husband to adopt your son? If so, maybe this would help your husband to feel more connected to him. Also, is it possible that your husband has some how felt like he can't be a father figure to your son -- possibly in a discipline situation where your son may have pointed ot that he's not his father so he can't tell him what to do, etc. or maybe you feel this way, etc. Guessing there is probably something underneath that is bothering him about the situation.

Video tape your husband and then show it to him. That way he will see exactly how he is with your son. He may not recognize how he is and this may help him to understand what you are referring to. Good luck!