Husband Doesn't Seem Happy and I Can't Help...

I'd sit him down, tell him that you don't want to fight anymore, and see if you can get him to agree to seek counseling with you. Tell him that you love him and that you want him to be happy and that you don't like fighting with him.

It sounds a lot like my husband used to be. He has severe anxiety disorder and can not handle stress AT ALL. After we had children he got horribly worse. He self medicated himself with alcohol which also got worse after having kids. I tried to get him to get help for a LONG time with no luck. At my wits end, the camels back nearly broken, he left after a huge fight and got a DUI. This was all it took to turn him around. He went to counceling, got meds and has not drank a drop since (over a year)and once the meds took affect he was a totally different person. He still has his moments when there is severe stress but he snaps back quickly. Things are much better now. Let me tell you those were some rough times and I had done all I could it was up to him to help himself. Give him the tools and let him take it from there...

Good Luck... I know its rough!

Hi M.,

Something that worked for me was reading The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Slesinger. I don't necessarily agree with her reasoning for why things are the way they are between men and women (she blames the women's movement) but she could not be any more dead on in her instructions for what to do to improve your marriage and reconnect with your husband. You have to go at it from his persepctive, how a man thinks, and what works for him. You will not be sorry that you tried, and if you really give it a go, it will improve things between you, it worked for me.

A few years ago, my husband was acting the same way. He was deployed to Iraq in 2005 and said that he had to go to war to any attention. His priest over there suggetsted this book, and he asked me to read it, so I did. We had always had what I thought was a wonderful marriage, but the truth was, it was not so for him, he was not getting what he needed. He never slept with anyone else, but was getting emotionally attached to someone else and this made him much more distant and he felt horrible about it, because what he really wanted was for me to let him in on our marriage, the way men enjoy marriage. It was the best thing I ever did, and now I am happier than I ever thought I could be.

I hope that you will give it a try, and if he still needs to see someone about depression, you will be in a better place together to help him get that help. I think that there is a good chance that this kind of change is all that he needs. It sure sounds familiar...

Good luck to you both.

M.

I'm with ya, hon. When I went through that with my DH, he WAS looking into having an affair. I have computer monitoring software that I use to keep tabs on the kids and I caught him. He denied it, of course, but then opened up and talked about it. We're still together and mostly happy. Unfortunately, we both suffer from varying degrees of depression. He is now being treated and things are better. Not perfect, but better.

I highly recommend counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself. And please remember that he is not a mind reader and needs to be told how you feel. Likewise, you should encourage him to communicate somehow how he's feeling and why. You might want to start out by hiring a babysitter and taking him out to diner. Don't talk about the problems, but just go and have fun. It may lead to a discussion, it may open that door later, or it won't work at all. You seem willing to fight for your marriage and I recommend that you do. Also, it's not uncommon for hubbies to feel neglected when there are little ones around. Remind him that you love him very much and maybe find some good books to read for yourself.

Good luck from someone who's been there.

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. I have been married almost 7 years and have had my share of struggles. I think all marriages ebb and flow, with couples being closer at some times than others. I also experienced a couple of years of severe sleep deprivation, and it makes it so difficult to cope with everything. Everything looks more grey and bleak when you're tired. It sounds like your husband may be depressed, and his job is draining him. You both need to be gentle with yourselves and each other. Try to get some time alone together every couple of weeks. I am married to a recovering alcoholic. As a new mother, I had to deal with my husband's drinking on and off, his change in personality, and my own feelings of being alone and isolated. It helped to go to Al-Anon meetings and to learn that I can't control what someone else thinks or does. I can only take care of myself. My suggestion is to seek help for yourself, whether that be counseling or a support group. Encourage your husband to find a less stressful job. Confide in a trusted friend who will just listen and be there for you. Find a way to take some naps so you can catch up on sleep. Take it one day at a time. It helped me to accept that things are the way they are, to let go and let God, and surrender to the fact that there are some things I can't change. My husband is sober now, I sleep like a human being, and we are a happy family. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I'll pray for you. Blessings, R.

M., This seems so ironic but I am always trying to improve our marriage, cause we all know there is always work to be done and just when you think things are great that is when they fall apart. Don't get me wrong I'm no expert, but I idol a couple of people in my life that made it 50 plus years till death did they part and they tell me never stop working on improvements. So the other day I was in the grocery store and came across this book, I know what you are thinking, you need an answer now, but the fact is that your problems didn't come about overnight and they won't go away overnight. Anyhow I bought this book The Power OF A Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. You really need to get this book it is as if she writes the book directly to you. If you are not a reader then I hope you are a Prayer. In my opinion meds do nothing but cover the real problem up and it willl fester sooner or later, better to fix the problem than to cover it up. I will also pray for you and I wish you the best of luck. Don't give up and never stop praying.

My own DH does almost the same thing. He's been battling depression off and on for years and he's been medicated and also is seeing someone for this and it has helped some. He's fed up with work and really is not happy there. However, going back to school and training for "something new" as he calls it wasn't in the cards for us. He's grateful for his job, knowing that there are many who don't have work, and he seems boxed in (my words). We are Christians and have prayed over this for a long time now. We trust that God knows what He's doing. I don't want to seem preachy, but this is our life. However, I do find myself resentful for not engaging at home. I do the housework, cooking cleaning 90% of the child care, seemingly everything and he just sits like a lump in front of the TV, complaining about his boss, about how tired he is ETC. Sometimes I feel as if he's pulling away from us, but I know in my heart thats ridiculous. You aren't alone in this, dear one. I can't give any advice aside from therapy from a psychologist or psychiatrist. He sound depressed and needs help from a professional. I will pray for you.

My husband and I were having similar problems about 1-1/2 years ago and we went to the seminars of a company called Klemmer and Assoc. www.klemmer.com Their focus is a large amount of change in a small about of time. It was amazing for all areas of our life, especially our marriage. Check out the website, they have a 3 hour evening workshop as an intro for only $25 dollars. It is so much better than counseling, and will help your hubby with his issues at work also. It is a journey of self discovery without having to blab all of your problems to a 3rd person. Our life has been amazing since, so give it a try.

Does he work super long hours? My husband works 12 hour shifts and when he comes home, he's the same way. Just not mentally there. It does get better when he has some time off. Is there any way to plan a night out for just the two of you? You could even try to get an overnight sitter and get a hotel room (if that's financially possible). Perhaps some time away from the stress of work and kids will help you two to reconnect.

You mentioned that he doesn't share things with you...did he used to? Is this a drastic change in behavior? If so, then there is a reason for it. Counseling might not be such a bad idea. If he won't go, maybe you could go alone at first.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I really hope that you can work things out.

There are thousands of people who can relate!

Counseling would be great, if you can find the time and a counselor that you can both work with. While you are looking into that, I would also recommend two books, both by Terrence Real. The first is for you, "How Can I Get Through to You" about how and why men and women deal with things differently, and what you can do to break those patterns. When you are done with that, he can read it too. But first he should read "I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression." I haven't read that one, but the author was dead on about things in the first book (although I could have done without some of the psychobabble in the middle....) and it sounds like your husband is dealing with depression. Dealing with that comes first, in my opinion.

Read the excerpts on Amazon.com, and see what you think. It was $20 well spent for DH and me.

Hello M.,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Your situation doesn't sound good. What is hard to understand, is that if he is so unhappy at work and has to fake being happy while he is there-- then he should feel that much more happier once he is home to be around people that he loves. Does that make sense? It's not fair to you or your children that he won't even try to make things better. You made some good suggestions about counseling, medication.... but he has to want to change, ya know. Now I am in know way suggesting this in anyway... but don't be completely closed off to the fact that he could be having an affair. I think that's where us women get things wrong. We always believe that there is just no way, and he would never do that. But they do. They find the time if they truly want to. Just be open to everything is all I suggest. Keep your communication open and ask him what would make him happy? What is he looking for?
I wish you luck and hope everything turns out okay.

I just finished reading a book called "The Five Love Languages" by marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman. Basically he explains that people "speak" different languages of love. At first I thought it was kind of silly but then I realized that it's so true. The languages are Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Gifts, and Words of Affirmation. I realized very quickly that my top two love languages were Quality Time followed by Acts of Service. If my husband is not spending time with me, then no matter how many nice things he says, back rubs I get or little gifts he give me, I still feel empty and sad and neglected by him. The gifts and words feel empty and meaningless to me and I take them as manipulations rather than the love he's trying to show. But if he's spending time with me, those things become extra special.

I bring it up because I found it very interesting and it can help in any relationship. We have a great relationship but I realized that I'm not necessarily meeting his emotional needs by "speaking" his love languages as well as I could. His are Physical Touch (not necessarily meaning sex either - he's very huggy and cuddly) and Acts of Service. He enjoys back rubs and cuddling as much as me, but I have a hard time doing that stuff as much as he does. I fall asleep when rubbing his back and I tend to get hot when we cuddle too much so I pull away. I'm making a conscious effort to do more of these things in order for him to feel as loved as he makes me feel.

Anyway, I highly suggest it. Very interesting and makes you think about your relationships. Perhaps this is the issue (or part of the issue) tht your husband is having. Maybe you're not speaking his specific love language and he's feeling empty.

It can't help to try. Also, kids have their own love languages and it's believed that a lot of problems in adolescence and adulthood stem from children not having someone speak their love language to them.

Okay, so I have a few questions. You are doing daycare from your home and that is an excellent way to assist with the bills and be able to SAH with your young children. Are the drop off children coming before he leaves for work and are they gone when he gets home? Yes, I have a good reason for asking this but until I know the answers I can't advise you on those two subjects much. Just if they come before he leaves it can upset the time he needs to get ready to start his day and if they are there when he gets home it can add to the frustration of being able to talk to you when he comes in and takes away from his time with the family because frankly it is noisier and he still has to have his "everything is right with my world face".
Next, everyone is concerned about downsizing in today's USA. We are outsourcing far more jobs than is good for us. We need to bring our manufacturing etc., back home and start employing our own people instead of us getting the shaft and getting to pay more for the privelege, but that is another subject all together.
You mention graduate school, is he going to school part time, working full time, and trying to have a good marriage all at the same time, or are you the one taking classes?
He frankly may not like his job. If he doesn't then he is not going to be happy no matter what else is going on and it will definitely drain him, and stress him out. Maybe he should be thinking of looking for a different line of work. It is much easier to find a job when you have one than it is to find one when you don't.
Sounds to me like the two of you need a parent's weekend away with just the two of you. If you don't have family who are willing to watch your two children while you two go someplace alone together to talk and enjoy each other and you live close enough I am willing to take the children for you for the weekend.

Have you asked him if he's having an affair? I mean, chances are, his first response would be "NO", but I was just thinking when you said that he doesn't have the time about how a friend of my husband's works long hours, 10-12 a day. He takes 2 hour lunches and comes in a little early in the morning and stays a tiny bit late in the evening to make up for it. Want to know why? You guessed it, so he can spend time with his girlfriend. His wife has no clue, just assumes the same thing as you, that he's working a lot, having trouble sleeping, blah blah blah. If my husband ever started acting funny and wouldn't talk about why, I'm sorry, but I am not too proud to follow him around and check phone records. Hopefully it isn't this, but if it is, you may need to find out on your own since most men don't come clean about it on their own, atleast for a really long time.

M.,

His actions are consistent with spouses having affairs. I'm sorry. You have to decide what you want to do. If you need concrete proof, hire someone to follow him, but decide what that proof has to be and how long you will try to get it. Then decide what you will do if you get proof or don't get it. Or you can not say anything and just be nice, etc. and go on like you're oblivious, and pray that if it's an affair, he will end it and fall back in love with you. Or you can try to talk to him about your fears or concerns in a calm matter and see if he escalates it irrationally into a big fight or admits to an affair. If he denies it, then you have to decide to accept what he says as truth or lies and what to do. If you accept it, then you still have to figure out some reason and remedy for your failing relationship.

But his actions are consistent with someone who is having an affair.

Seek out a couple of counselors, decide who is best to help, make an appointment, tell your husband when it is, and get there ASAP. I read the other responses after putting in mine to you. His behavior is on the money for those having affairs. I also believe you need to make the moves for your own feelings, which are to walk, take time for your interets, and pray. However, you need him to do something too. At this point, you need to seek a professional.

My boyfriend and I life together and function as if married. When our 10 1/2 month old daughters were born our relationship was in shambles. I totally understand hwere you're coming from. He works his butt of at work everyday and then would come home and be crabby. Two babies are alot of work, not to mention that they were premies and had some health issues in the beginning which untimately led to them crying all the time. He and I always faught. It was like we just didn't have the strength to be nice and we both felt very resentful. Times were especially bad when our girls weren't sleeping thru the night. When you're exhausted the first thing to go is your sense of humor so even when you're not trying to be a jerk it comes across wrong to the other person. Laughing and joking can lighten up a situation and if you just don't have that it all seems bad.
Well, I started seeing a counselor. She comes to my house which is awesome because I could not image being able to work it out any other way. She talked with both of us on a few ocassions which helped alot, but I see her weekly by myself. It helped so much for us to be able to see each other from a different perspective and really understand what the other one is going thru. Also, when our girls began to sleep thru the night our relationship changed drastically. getting sleep let us remember that we love each other very much!!! Now we can joke about it. Our friends had a new baby (their first) and I said to them "you probably won't like each other for the first few months or so but I promise it will get better". My BF and I looked at each other and just gave a half smile...lol. I encourage you to talk with an outsider regarding this. It helped us so much. And just remember, this will pass. I also believe the key is working on trying to get the kids to sleep better. It will make a world of difference. And if that can't be done, see if you cn get a babysitter (even a friend or family member) to watch the kids for a couple hours on a chosen night each week and have a date night. Try to reconnect.

Good luck!!

Make him go get a physical and I would have him checked for Depression. I have seen it a lot .

Sometimes the more we push the farther away they get. Leave him be for now. Get interested in your own things, start a class, exercise, etc.
When he comes home, kiss him, ask how he is and go on with your own thing. If he wants to be connected he will be. Marriage has its ups and downs just like any friendship.
All you can do is suggest things.
After giving him some space, maybe start a date night every 1-2 weeks.
If you take walks, ask him to join you.
If none of this helps, let him know you are unhappy and want counseling or separation.

i'm not married, never have been. - clearly i'm not "good" at relationships.
it seems to me, though, that perhaps you should try telling him how you are feeling, but at the same time, you must be open to his own feelings. let him know that you wish he were happy with his family and in your home and that you, as his wife, are there to listen to his burdens and because you love him, that's something you want to do for him. (i don't think that makes it your obligation to make him happy - just let him know you're there). explain to him, though, like you said, it does take two and by his non-communication you feel like it's taking a toll on you and your family. tell him you are tired too, but you must get through this as a family. if you have nothing else, you have each other.
also, i don't know his work, but i do know what it's like to be miserable at your job all day. i, as a single mother, am holding on to my job because it pays enough to support my daughter and me, but there are not a lot of jobs in this city who pay as much as i make for what i do - especially without a degree (i only have a private college 1-year diploma) the thing is, i hate my job so much! i used to have a job that i loved, but it didn't pay enough to support me and my daughter. it's not easy having to spend so much time of your day/life at a place where you are not happy, or you're bored, or you can't be yourself. it's a real drag. i have caught myself taking out my own frustrations on my daughter - like not playing/talking with her as much - then she gets frustrated and feels like i don't like her, ya know?
i don't guess men are always as good as women when it comes to "venting", but maybe encourage him to let you know what's going on. also, you might try a weekend trip for the two of you - even if it's staying in a hotel down the street. or do a day trip - like to brown county or something. i know these things are more difficult during the winter, but if the weather isn't too bad, maybe think of something like that - children's museum/imax theater - just something out of the ordinary. (if you can get a sitter, of course) - if not, make some family fun time - games, finger paints, whatever.
personally, i just finished filling out an application for church counseling. i never went to church as a child or for my entire life, so this is a very new experience/journey for both me and my daughter. i have become so overwhelmed with everything, but my second biggest problem is my job. - like your husband. if you attend church, perhaps you should talk to someone there. if not, even, some churches provide counseling to the community for free or really cheap.
good luck to you, M..
God bless!

Dear M.,

First thing you have to realize is that it isn't your role in life to make anyone "happy." As soon as you take that on you are bound to fail and the one you tried to make happy will blame you. It is called "Shame & Blame." Dr. Sandra Wilson has written several good and easy to read books - starting with "Released From Shame" and "Hurt People, Hurt People. Cheaper then a therapist.

I don't know what you can do about being tired except to take better care of yourself. The little children need mom but I'll bet your husband can contribute more, even if it doing the dishes. Getting into a guys head is a dumb idea because there is probably stuff in there he doesn't even want to talk about. At best you can give him space and not generate fights. Beyond that he has to be willing.

God Bless,

S.