My husband has been constantly conversing with his cousin on FB. I never thought anything of it until recently he kept mentioning to me that his cousin wants to drink coffee with him more than once. Mind you, he never once asked me to join them. So I guess my insecurities was kicking in because I felt he has been paying attention to her more often than normal. And he gets all giddy like a teenager going on a first date when mentioning to me that his cousin is asking him to go drink coffee with her. So, I looked into his Facebook to see if there was more to this weird feelings I was having. I read all his FB postings & there was one posting he wrote, "Aww, my date just left me." his cousin commented, "oh why did she leave." than he says, "Oh I don't know." than he says, " I shouldn't have used the G-string with the elephant face in the front." than his cousin says, " Ewww...gross! TMI!!!!! I'm totally having BAD VISUALS NOW!!!!! I think to myself, what the hell is he thinking making in appropriate comments pertaining to his private area. I felt that was a little too intimate and sexual on his part. Than I went further reading, and I found out he has been asking her to go out for a drink. Than she says, oh you should've called me. I will call you tonight. Than the next posting that really got to me was a question she was asking him about why did he change the color of his motorcycle rims. But he did not answer her question, instead he comments, "By the way, Nice hat, looks great on you!" He was so focused on how great she look that he never even bothered to answer her question. And I just feel it was not appropriate for him to comment how great she looks since they are first cousins. I finally had to have a heart to heart talk with my husband. I asked him point blank, "Do you have feelings for your cousin?" He said, "No! that I am crazy to feel that way since that's his first cousin." Just recently, his cousin texted me if I wanted to go see a Rex Nabarette comedy show. I did not texted her at all since we were fighting about her. My husband said that he already texted her that we are not going because we have seen his show. So it seems she communicated with him first before she texted me. But I texted him many messages of wanting him to take me out that weekend at the same time she texted him, but he did not return any of my texts. But he took the time to text her about not wanting to go to the comedy show. Than very recently, he mentions to me after all the fighting we had over her. "Oh, my cousin has not posted on my FB. I guess because I haven't been on it. Than he says, "Oh, I've seen on FB my cousins sister posted pictures that they had a get together." I think he meant he wanted to have been there. I don't know what to make of this. He said, he has no feelings, yet he mentions his cousin not posting on his FB., knowing how bothered .I was over. In the past two years, he has taken her out twice for a motorcycle ride called, Toys for Tots. I guess you can say they have bonded closer since then. But I had no problem with that until he started paying attention to her more than often & wanting to go drink with her & go have coffee with her, and she asking him to take her on a motorcycle ride again is getting to be too much for me to ignore. That these two are getting closer than just first cousins. Am I wrong about what I am feeling? Please tell me that I am wrong to question my husbands trust. My sister said, listen to your intuition. Your gut feeling is always right. Please give me advice on this matter because I've also read online that first cousins do fall in love. I forgot to mention, recently her son had a birthday party. I called her to tell her I will be dropping my son off, but I will not be attending because I was ill. On the phone I felt like she was very curt with me. I felt like something has changed between us. There was no warmness in her voice. Sort of cold and distant. I asked my husband if he mentioned the fight we were having over her and he said no. Yet, I felt there was a feeling I was having that something was not right & I could not figure it out. Please help me with my situation. Am I just imaging things or is it my insecurities, or am I just too naive about what is really happening between the two. I need your professional advice. I dont know really if she is after my husband. I feel like he is the one wanting to initiate things with her rather than she. But then she is also asking him to take her out for coffee & asks him to take her on motorcycle rides. They are cousins, so I shouldn't even question these feelings I'm having. I just don't know what to think anymore. Please help.
Hi everyone. Thanks so much for all the feedback. Someone outside the box looking in has helped me re-examine myself and my my marriage & given me the determination to resolve the issues. My insecurities surfaced because my husband & I were neglecting our relationship. It's so easy to get stuck into the daily routine of things on a day to day basis. For awhile we were like two ships just passing each other. He was doing his own thing & I was doing my own. It's not easy to incorporate a "WE TIME" in our busy schedule, but we are trying. I know now that my marriage also needs nurturing & that we need to make time for each other. I realize now that a marriage is a 24 hour work in itself & that both my husband & I need to find ways to reconnect with each other. My husband was never good at communicating his feelings with me but he is slowly trying. I realize I was trying to put blame on his cousin to avoid the situation in my marriage. I will continue to socialize with his cousin & continue to communicate with her as well. My husband & I are planning to take down his FB & keep one for both of us to use. Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. Mahalo!
I have some very hot first cousins, but ewww they are my first cousins!! Unless you live in Deliverance country I think you are reading way too much into this.
I think you are WAY over thinking things. Seriously, my cousin (a guy) and I make jokes like that ALL the time! We can make jokes like that BECAUSE we are family and therefor much more comfortable with each other, because there is zero sexual tension.
I really think that you are being insecure.
Paranoia will destroy ya. It's his cousin. So what if he might have a crush on her - you're his wife! Tell him you're jealous. Apologize for your behavior.
Why not ask your husband if he wants to go for a drink or coffee? Why not flirt with your husband in person, text or on face book? Why not ask him to give you a ride on his motorcycle?
This is what I think.
a) you may be right.
b) acting jealous is not cool, and makes you look like the "crazy" one.
c) he has a right to be close to his cousin
d) you should make more of an effort to include her in family things with all of you and not let your jealousy get played out.
e) focus on your relationship with your husband. Plan a special date, get intimate.
f) Less fb and texting and more talking together!
well, it does sound kind of odd. but the bigger red flag for me is how much you and your husband communicate via FB and text. it's a terrible medium for actually understanding each other.
he should focus less on his stupid cousin and more on his wife. and you ought to focus more on your relationship with him and less on dramatic imagined scenarios.
honestly, it sounds like both of you ought to grow up a little.
khairete
S.
Really???? It is his cousin for goodness sakes.. LOTS of cousins are close with each other, some more than their own siblings. It is family.
Maybe she is not "warm" to you because of the attitude and negativity you project.
Does he know you snooped on his FB? WRONG..... I personally believe it is wrong to snoop on your spouse. If you have some issues or questions, be a woman about it and communicate with your husband instead of spying on him. He is not a kid.... he is your husband.
It sounds like you have some serious trust issues and are insecure. Do you really think your hubby's cousin is after him? Ewww
If you want to keep your hubby, you need to communicate with him and find a way to get over your insecurities. If it takes professional help, then do it... It sounds like you want your marriage to work so stop over analyzing things and put your energy toward your marriage and hubby.
I really do wish the best for you.
Leah M hit the nail on the head.
Being jealous and insecure is VERY unattractive.
Spend less time obsessing over your husband's FB and spend more time WITH him, laughing, having fun and being intimate (yes, sex!)
And avoiding the cousin, not returning texts, etc? That makes you look really immature, don't do it.
I'm pretty close to my male cousins. We grew up together, double dated together, etc. So they were close like brothers but more like best friends.
I can have silly chats with them and not think it as abnormal. I have one male cousin on fb and he can even get a little raunchy and I have to put him in check.
I think he's having fun flirting with someone that he considers harmless.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's a duck. I have to agree with your sister on this one. I would feel like you do. The only person your husband should be spending time with and flirting with is you. If my husband behaved like this with a cousin or even if he spent too much time with his buddies, I would be pissed. The way I see it, I am first in his life. That's why we are married. We are partners, lovers, and best friends. I would be very hurt if my husband was discussing our marital problems with anyone other than a therapist that we were seeing together. His cousin sounds like a flewsy. She's taking him away from his family. I think your husband's behavior is wrong and you have a right to feel insecure because a part of your relationship has been betrayed. Does your husband understand how you feel? Have you had a heart to heart with him? If you cannot talk to him without fearing that he'll discuss things with her, then that's a major red flag. If he doesn't respect your feelings, then you have three options: One, suck it up and ride it out to see what happens; two, you go seek professional help and hopefully, he agrees to go with you, or three, leave the relationship.
I hope things get better for you and your family.
While situations like Mimi's DO happen. They are NOT the norm. And close relationships with cousins are very common.
I have one cousin who is REALLY hot AND he's adopted so technically he's not really my cousin at all ... and still ... EWWWWWWWWW he's my cousin. I have a very close relationship with MANY of my cousins (male and female) and tell them on a regular basis how nice they look, how proud I am of them and how much I love them. They are my family. They know me and my past and the things that made me who I am today better than ANYONE else on the planet.
As for what to think anymore ... just don't. Stop over thinking the situation. Get a handle on your insecurities before they really do damage what you have.
I really think you're over thinking this. His relationship with his cousin sounds completely normal. These are the kinds of things my cousins and I would joke about. Heck, these are the kinds of things my husband and I joke with our brothers and sisters and in-laws about. Definitely nothing going on there!
I really wouldn't read too much into one phone call you had with the cousin. There are times when we have a lot on our plate and are just not able to have an overly friendly conversation. There have been times when I've just got a lot going on, the phone rings and a part of me thinks, "What now?" During those times, I look at the caller id and try to decide whether or not to answer it. There have definitely been times when I probably should not have answered, because it wasn't fair to the other person and I probably made them feel like I was really annoyed when I wasn't really annoyed with them at all just trying to do too many things.
Is there any way you could join in a bit more? Maybe you could all go out for drinks? She took the time to text you about the show. She might be interested in socializing with you, too. And I might cut your husband some slack about not texting you about a date night. Guys often don't really want to discuss those things too much. My husband always says to me, just tell me when to show up! I like to make plans together, and he just wants to know when he needs to be there and what he needs to be wearing or what to bring. Don't bother him with the details!
Try to give them the benefit of the doubt and try to spend some extra time with just your husband (maybe your really do NEED that date night, I know I do). I think having some alone time with him will do wonders for your relationship.
I'm sorry but I don't think you should be "worried" about him and his cousin. I am very close to my male and female cousins. We spent a lot of time together as kids, teens and adults. I do compliment them if I think they look great, I totally would say "By the way, Nice hat, looks great on you!", I don't see this as a get in your panties, incestuous remark.
I really think you wish he was saying those types of things to you. So when you aren't hearing them from him to you and you see him complimenting someone else you are reading into it.
Coffee & drinks are not "dates", I ask my cousin to give me a ride on his motorcycle (cause we don't have one yet, and I miss riding) doesn't mean I "want" my first cousin! or any cousin for that matter.
Morning,
My father cheated on my mother with his niece, my first cousin. When i saw them together a little close, my gut told me something was going on, BUT i told myself, COME ON, they are related, nothing could happen. they "ran away" together 10 years ago. All i am saying is trust your instincts.
i apologize about the negative answer. I wish you and your fam the best
It sounds to me like she was a little creeped out by him or she sensed that you are uncomfortable, and she tried to make sure that she nurtured a relationship with you, for four possible reasons--1. to nurture a relationship with you separate from her relationship with him, for the heck of it, since you are married to her "favorite" cousin; 2. to let him know without telling him flat out that she is keeping you in the loop; 3. to protect herself from any time alone with him that could be miscontrued as a come-on; 4. to let you see who she is so you can be comfortable. Beautiful women know that they are beautiful. At least, they know that other people think that they are beautiful. As a result--if they are nice people--they want the wives of their male friends to feel comfortable with the relationship, so they approach the wives directly. Once you didn't respond to her text and he gave the response that he did, she probably opted to keep her distance because this situation makes her feel uncomfortable. I think that you should have gone to the comedy show with her and left your husband at home. Get to know her without him, so you can feel more comfortable with her intentions. Your husband is the one being a jerk; don't penalize her for it.
Yes, it's okay for cousins to be this close, especially if they grew up together. Other stuff does happen, though, so.... It's your husband's job to make sure that you are not uncomfortable with any of his relationships. Unfortunately, men are idiots and don't know how to articulate this. They think that it's enough to simply say, "Look, this is what it is, so I don't care what it looks like to you ar anyone else." They get all huffy about the insinuation and can't focus on your hurt feelings. Part of that is just them getting defensive; part of it is us packaging it up in blame and delivering it to them with a dash of salt. You are so frustrated with each other that you are on a cycle of poor communication. You probably wouldn't be this annoyed with him or feel particularly insecure if you felt that he took care of home. I know that I don't feel that my husband is paying too much attention to someone else unless I feel like I don't have his attention. When that's the case, I try to address that. Stay focused on what your real issue is. Hopefully, resolving that might trickle down and over into everything else. Good luck.
What business is your husband in? Does he work for a company, or is he self-employed?
The reason I ask is that companies regularly check their employees' FB accounts. The kind of things he is saying that are sexual in nature to someone who isn't his wife will reflect very badly on him. Even if he is self-employed, potential customers or current ones wouldn't appreciate reading this stuff either, if they were "friends of friends". Or people will start talking about him having an affair, not knowing they are cousins. Those kinds of rumors catch on like wildfire.
This is possibly a way you should handle this with your husband. I don't know how old he is or how long you have been married, but he might just be doing this with her because he thinks it's a safe way to flirt during the 7 year itch type thing. (Even if it's not 7 years.)
I would tell him that he needs to start including you in their get togethers because he has started treating her like a girlfriend instead of a cousin. He won't like that. However, you have some valid concerns and because she is family, he has no business excluding you when you want to be included. Ignore any "coldness" from her - you must treat her like family anyway - and hopefully this will peter out in time.
Good luck,
Dawn
I really don't see anything inappropriate about this at all. A lot of cousins are close and joke around about a wide array of things. The fact that you are reading in some kind of sexual innuendo is just ..well...sick in of itself. I think you should lighten up and have a little more humor in your life. If they want to have coffee together, so what? If he takes her on a motorcycle ride, so what? Are you going to completely freak out if they hug at family get togethers?
As for FB, if would be completely different if he posted " You look hot/sexy" or something like that. Now that would be creepy.
Anyway, my advice is to drop it now, or you will be the one that ends up with egg all over your face. Jealousy is never pretty.
I think its entirely possible to crush on your first cousin a little(not have feelings for them, jusst love their personality and find them attractive.). I mean theyre not your brother or sister so you dont have that relationship with them but you grew up and KNOW eachother and J. get eachother....but with that said obviously it would never go anywhere so you shouldnt be worried about that.
My boyfriend makes those comments to his cousin and is really close to her and if people saw them out they may mistake them for a couple because they have the same personality and J. get eachother but he mostly involves M., or invites M. with them.
Why not instead of being insecure and hurt decide to join in this relationship and start hanging out witht them and have family bbq's with your kids and spouses. Family is important and he's already set the ground work for being close to here family so you should join in.
If he doesnt invite you, or want to do family things then I'd be concerned BUT not about them two ending up together about your relationship being in a rough patch and that he's not happy.
Why not tell him if he takes you on dates then you wouldnt feel as jealous?
You need to shift your mind set. I use to have a problem snooping. When you look for things, you will find something that feeds into your fears. If I were you, I would admit to my own insecurities and try to take ownership of my feelings. I would also ask to be included on their get togethers until the fear clears. It is not a competition for his attention - you clearly win there. The more your insecuritities take control, the more he will withdraw. Reading your post, my first thought is there is nothing going on but your instincts could be right. The only thing you can do is strengthen your relationship. Try to come to agreement on boundaries without judgement, e.g. I'm sure you didn't have bad intentions but can we mutually agree not to talk about g-strings and such, even with family? I would talk to a therapist if you can. Your feelings are very real and need to be addressed. This is the kind of situation that can spiral out of control if you are not careful. Good luck!
I don't like to taint my opinion a lot of times, so I didn't read your responses yet. I used to think it was weird for people to have this kind of relationship because personally I don't have one like this with any cousins and yes, you are saying it is a girl cousin.Anyone that was a girl was threatening for awhile. There was a singer who passed away right after we got married and my husband was talking about her day and night. It made me nuts and yes slightly jealous, which I determined was kind of sick on my part, but heck we had just gotten married and I didn't understand why he had to talk about this woman constantly.He didn't know her at all and I really wasn't familiar with her songs! But hang in there with me for a minute.
My husband has relationships with his girl cousins and that used to be weird to me, and yes I was a little jealous. ok, now I have been married a long time and realize that it is uniquely their family. In his little town from another country, they -the families were super duper intertwined with eachother. Here even my own brothers and sisters don't live real close all the time and we do not necessarily Facebook a lot or even call eachother a lot. So here is my husband who whenever this one girl cousin comes in, he insists absolutely insists that we see her.Then there were others. Then there seemed to be thousands of girl cousins and by golly they were all more beautiful than another.But get this: his father was one of eleven I think and they all had more than 5 kids a piece so that left a lot of girl cousins! Well, after all this visiting here and in his little town I began to wonder why the heck he even married me when my simple looks and Irish/German background didn't stand a chance next to these exotic looking women. Anyway, I didn't understand and yes I do go with, but I decided it must be his background as weird as it is to me, it is more cultural I think, more have to impress the folks back home that we visited and truthfully while I used to find it way annoying, when I let it go it seemed to slow down. Your husband married you, my husband married me, and like he told me once there are women out there every day who they could run off and have drinks or hide out with. The point is he comes home to you. So I have calmed down and you will too. But I have a hunch since he knows it annoys you you might have to play the game back a little bit- And perhaps Facebook the cousin to the point where hubby won't find it so interesting anymore. And do you have any guy cousins anywhere.even better!!..awe don't worry, he loves you!
I think you have every right to be upset,I would be too, why aren't they inviting YOU to come along for coffee or drinks? I think they possibly have a crush on eachother, I'm sorry i know it's not what you want to hear. I also think that she knows about the fight and that's why she acted the way she did. If I were you I would of sucked it up and stayed at the birthday party to see if she treated you any differently. I don't have any advice but i do wish you the best and I think your intuition is right.
I WANT to be one of the many people saying you are paranoid. Unfortunately, I have two close family members who had a fling. We are NOT from Deliverance country or from some weird religious sect that thinks this is OK. I was like Mimi. When I first saw something, my first thought was "are they...?" but then immediately said, "No way! They are related!" I wish I would have trusted my instincts.
No, this is not common, and no , it doesn't happen often, but it DOES happen. I suggest sitting down with your hubby and talking to him (quit texting him for pete's sake!). You need to spill it and let him know EXACTLY how you feel. Either he will make you feel better about the situation, or he won't. If he doesn't, then there's your answer.
I get what you're saying and your concern-you may want to gently remind him that marrying your first cousin is common....in Afghanistan! Saddam Hussein married his first cousin-beyond creepy.
