Husband and Wife Want Different # of Kids

According to Dr. Phil, the spouse that wants the fewer number of kids trumps the one who wants more.

2 IS plenty. I agree with Hubby on this one

and the main reason I feel this way is population control.
Be kind to mother earth ;)

Is this something you talked about before you were married that he's changed his mind about? And have you talked about his objections to having another? Is it financial, or do you have really hard pregnancies that he has a hard time coping with watching you go through that? Or maybe he doesn't feel like he has enough to give to more? When you find out the reasons, you can tackle them. If it's a financial thing, maybe offer to take on a part time job if you don't work outside the home. If it's rough pregnancies, adoption or becoming foster parents might be an option. If he's feeling left out because you spend a lot of time with the kids, you can include him more. There are a lot of reasons he may have for not wanting more, but the decision can't be just his. Perhaps you should suggest some sort of mediation/counceling. If this is important to you and he's not listening, he's not being a good partner. And if it's important to him, he needs to tell you why.

Believe me when I say this is the hardest thing I have learned yet the most life changing I could ever imagine.
I learned from a very wise woman, who walked the walk, that your husband is God's problem and if you give your husband to God totally, he will move mountains for you in your marriage and change hearts in areas, that will stop you in your tracks. Let God know all the dumb, thankless, inconsiderate things done by your husband and how you feel. Give it to him and leave it there. In fact when I give my husband to God, I end up saying something like this. "God, Did you see what he did this time??, etc, etc." and let all my feeling out. Then, I go about my business while I listen for that still small voice inside. I continue on and keep my eyes open, for things will change right before my eyes. I does take time and with time my faith grew and I learned it was not my problem to change my husband..... (yahoo)
Men are odd creatures for sure and the way their ego works makes simple conversations impossible many times. They are so hard to communicate with and yet simple to understand and they are clueless to how our mind works most of the time..
Discussions can open from your husband (out of nowhere) and you can begin to see your situation with different eyes and SO CAN HE.
Many Blessing for your family and expect changes (miracles do work in marriages).

I do think that being told "No, you can't have this" tends to ignite the flame to want it more... let's face it: No one likesto have their decision made for them. I also think that, when everyone arounds you starts doing something, that spurs you to want it too (It's the whole "keeping up with the Jones" mentality/competition). And I also think that, as we women grow older and see our babies mature and need us less, the idea to renew ourselves as a mommy to a new baby is soothing, revalidating. So I think you have 3 factors influencing your prerogative.

I think you may need to dig deep and figure out if you truly feel the need for another child or if your feelings are reactions to superficial influences. And then, if you really feel a void, then you need to discuss it with your husband in a way that allows him to expand on why he feels as opposed as he does. Keep in mind, his prerogative isn't wrong either. He may have some valid reasons why 2 kids are enough for your family and home finances... Or he may be in retirement planning and traveling mode.

Yuck -- I just read your follow-up in the "So What Happened?" section. Whether you two have more kids or not, I think you guys should get into marriage counseling. A husband-wife relationship is different than a parent-child relationship in many ways: a biggie is that you are equals with equal say and equal respect for the other's perspective. If he continually says, "What I want. End of discussion" and you cope by acquiescing and caving, you two head down into an unhealthy marriage. That could end up with you just giving up altogether and hurting your confidence and self esteem or your eventually exploding with frustration and hurting the marriage. If you guys can nip it in the bud early on, you can save yourselves from all of that. Good luck to you both!!!

I think you need to sit down and tell hubby how you feel. Not I wanna have more babies but :When you say that we are done I feel like I have had no say" Use I statements with him and tell him how you feel he is not listening to your side or acknowledging your thoughts and feelings.
It sounds more to me like a power struggle than a family size issue. He needs ot listen and you too need to listen without being judgemental. It's hard for both of you but if he has made that decision now what about others in the future.

My mama always told me if you're married, you're eligible! I think she meant that you are not in control and neither is your husband. These things happen, with and without protection, with and without surgeries. If you are a praying woman, that's where I would start. Your husband may change his mind. Men do that...but usually not unless they think it is their idea, lol. If your husband knows how you feel you've done what you can.

Just FYI, if he approaches the idea of surgery to make it permanent, both a vasectomy and getting your tubes tied can cause medical issues later, cancers in some cases. Make sure he knows that you don't want to do that to your family.

God bless!

M.

If he's brick-walling you on this then he is absolutely in the wrong. Couples are supposed to talk about things that bother them. If not having a third baby is bothering you, you SHOULD be able to talk to your husband about it. Men sometimes just don't realize how important these things are to us. Try telling him that if he continues to refuse to engage in discussion with you about this, then you're going to request that he go to counseling with you. He should at least be hearing you out. You are BOTH supposed to have a say in this.

Side note: It really bothers me when men treat us like they're just renting our uteruses to bring forth THEIR children into the world. My ex is like that and it drives me NUTS!

BTW, did he know that you wanted four kids before you got married? If he did and he's changing the rules now, he is especially responsible for listening to you and defending his own position in an open and civil fashion.

I'm worried that you feel that he always gets what he wants and your opinion doesn't count. I would get counseling to resolve that issue before you bring a third child into the family. You don't want to trick your husband into loving the child by having an "accident" and you don't want the third child to be a part of a control issue between you and your husband to make you feel like you "won."

I so can relate to you. I had two and really wanted a third and my husband did the same, hardly would discuss it with me, but would spout off to others we were done. My situation may be related to cultural differences as my husband is Latino. However in his defense he is the day care provider (his decision) as he has his own business and I need to work out of the home for benefits, etc.

It was such a sensitive subject b/c I had my first when I was 38, second at 40. He's now 40 and I'm 42. He started saying when I was 41 it was just too risky, that we were both too old. That if we had been younger he'd have been willing to entertain a third. Why "test God" to see if the child would be born without health issues, down syndrome, etc. was his thought. He even has taken up abstinence as a sure fire method to prevent pregnancy, since he's not convinced I still don't want another. Can you believe it??? In my own mind, I cried and prayed a lot about it, and asked God if it wasn't his will then to take the desire away from me because the topic was so sensitive and we couldn't really come to an agreement. He was one of seven, I only have one sister. So our perspectives are totally different. I think because every month I get older (turn 43 in December) and think, oh, yeah, the risk is greater, not worth it, I've slowly accepted it just probably isn't wise???. Recently with lots of illnesses in our household it's even been more challenging and to think of a 3rd is even scary!! I, like you am grateful for the two, but still feel bitter about the decision making process. I really tried to engage in conversation about it but he never really seemed to come over to my side of understanding. I wonder if part of my desire for a 3rd was more related to my "letting go" of maternity.

I so sympathize with you. Hopefully you can get through the barrier I never felt I could...

When issues like this come up we work to be honest with our feelings, not our edicts. I am sorry this is happening to you. I can tell you that we have had issues like this but have managed to change our language and our tone when discussing them.

Your opinion has to count. I can tell you that if you have the child discussion and he says only 2, you have to know his reasons why. If you want 3 or 4, you have to know what it is that makes you think that way. It is the only way to convey your feelings effectively. If at that point (when you both are VERY clear about the reasons) he is still throwing out absolutes, then you may have a problem.

I always wanted 4 kids, multiple animals (I really need a farm...in the middle of nowhere). I got the 4 kids...by having 1 and then triplets, and now we need a much bigger home. Just be clear about what you want and why when you talk to him. If he just says no to be obstinate, see a therapist who can get him to communicate better.

Best of luck!

It is a very personal decision and it was something we discussed.

My husband was 1 of 4 and I was the oldest of 3 and we stopped with 2.
I had complications with both, lost one in between the two and we just looked at it that we were not going to risk my health or the health of another baby. Plus, we looked at where we would be when the kids were older, which they are. Our son is almost 20 and our daughter almost 16. My husband and I will just be 50 when our daughter is 18 and off to college. Trust me, it is so nice to be young enough to enjoy each other, have our health (so far) and a little extra money and not have to worry about chasing kids.
Just a thought to look down the road rather than the immediate yearning for a 3rd blessing.

Ouch that's a hard one... I would sit down and really talk about why he doesn't want another and why you do. We have 2 children and strongly considered having another, as I always wanted 4 kids too. At the end of the day ( for us) two was enough. We started to think of all of the things that would be different with an additional child... silly things like, you have to wait longer in a restaurant for a table of 5, extra room in the car, how it would affect the household in terms of space, how someone would always be left out. In our case we have a boy and a girl... so another child would mean 2 boy 1 girl or vice versa. Two against one... How we'd be outnumbered!! (I'm only half joking :) And ultimately, since we started late, and our second child was a preemie, I felt that we should tempt fate for another healthy baby.
I think it's really hard when your disagree on something like this because it can breed resentment later if it isn't resolved. I would recommend telling your husband how you feel and listening to him too to get it resolved now.

Best of luck!

I wanted a 3rd SOOOOOOO bad bc my husband said NO! I was furious and told him it was my body and its my way...lol! We actually talked about it when I begged him and after he said we could smiled looked at my 2 sweet angels and said I dont know if I want anymore lol! (Just serioiusly the other day this happened less then a week) Since he told me we could I couldnt be happier. I am also probably being even more selfish bc the past couple weeks I have lost a ton of weight (healthy) and my youngest has been having a few problems :( I know shes fine but with me going to school and working I just dont think another addition would be so good! I know I just babled but my point is after we talked about it and he said it was possible I didnt see the want anymore... I think you should talk to him and explain and if he wont listen rationally then be a little more forcefull in saying we NEED to talk about this bc it IS importanat to me :) Good Luck!

You shouldn't try to feel bad about him saying he is done. Nothing wrong with that. He is just expressing firmly to you how he feels on the matter. You also have a right to want more, but the reality is, you want your husband's support with them, so if it's not possible, then try to compromise. No sense in getting a divorce over that difference of opinion, because if you accidentally have one more and he didn't want to, it could cause problems, and vice versa he could love it, but knowing men, quite likely it's a woman thing. So do honor his request. To see if you really want more than 2, invite some other kids over night (niece, etc), babysit young kids for a day or two if you would like and see how having 4 would work out. Pretend you had to go to work, find a baby sitter for 4 kids. One might cover for two, but what if you can't find someone to take care of 4. Think about the costs involved if you lost your husband, and the emotional side to that. If you both wanted to have a gazillion kids, then that would be great, but since you have differing opinions on the number of them, I would try to dismiss having more especially if it would interfere with your marriage.

My husband and I were the same way. I wanted 4 and he only wanted 2. Then, after we had our first daughter I told him 2 and he wanted 4. Now, we have 2 daughters (one is 2 the other 3 weeks) and he still wants a 3rd and so do I, but I also developed severe preclampsia with my 2nd and I just don't want to go through that again and risk both my life and my baby's.

My husband and I just came to the agreement together. Your situation is a little different. I would just get into a conversation with him and ask him why he doesn't want a 3rd. Tell him that it would bring you closer together as husband and wife if you got a 3rd (like a reconnection thing). Kids brought my husband and myself closer together. It is not right that he is the only one with a say so in it, so that's when I would firmly bring it up and say, "Hun, why are you so against having a 3rd child? Are you scared?" Get him to open up to you! You may have to pry a lot, you know how men are, but in the end maybe this will help get his feelings out to you. Maybe he's scared that he won't be able to handle a 3rd or maybe he'll feel like he is outnumbered. My husband said he's scared to go for a 3rd because he's afraid he'll get another girl! Not that he doesn't love our daughter's.

Try to keep bringing it up in coversations and find out why he doesn't want the 3rd. Maybe there is an underlying situation that he is not opening up at all to anybody and maybe that's the source to the problem.

Good luck!

I want 4 and DH wants the three we already have! I am greatful for my three, of course but I to want another one. I got the Mirena to hold him off on anything permanent. That way we can change our minds. How old are yours?

M.

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I completely understand how you feel and I wish had a magic answer for you, but I am still working on my DH. He says he is done, but I know deep down that if our last was not a girl he would have let me try one more time for a girl. So now I feel like our family is missing a member, a boy that had a name and a place as the the third boy, but he was 'replaced' by our daughter. and let be clear I LOVE ALL of my children with all my heart. but, I understand the empty feeling that you probably have, and it is most likely not just because he says no. Try and talk to him about how you feel and that your family doesn't feel complete. Try and put into I statements like another post said. Hope that helps and maybe you can convince him to at least leave it in God's hands and if it happens then it does?

I always wanted more than I got too. It is really sad when I see my friends having more and I can't. I know it will be hard for you but you and your husband have to sit down and have that talk. If he had decided he is NOT going to have more and you are not willing to settle for that then you are going to have to decide which you want more, a larger family with someone else or the smaller family with this man.

My friend wanted more kids and her husband didn't. They had been fighting over it for some time. She had to travel over a long weekend for business and he secretly had a vasectomy and didn't tell her until she was ready to file papers to pursue adopting another child because she thought she had become sterile. They divorced and she is remarried and has 2 more children that are awesome and adorable.

you have to find out WHY your husband doesn't want another child. money, house size, your health, maybe your kids are currently at a difficult age for him and it's crazy at your house? find out his reasons and then maybe in a different conversation discuss how these things could be resolved.

I know how you feel. I have four. I know that's a lot, but we always said we'd have five. Only now, the business (self-employed) isn't doing well and the country looks like it's sinking into a hole and so on. I am DESPERATE for my fifth child. If we don't have one soon, we won't because we don't want an "only child" in the future. I do understand, though, from my hubby's point of view, that he is determined to provide for his family, and that although we could afford a baby (maybe) we won't be able to afford five teenagers in thirteen years. It is extremely hard to "give up" on my last baby, but in the end, I must do what is best for the ones I have, and living with my parents in ten years is definitely NOT!

I'm sorry you have to feel this way. This seems like the most difficult decision I have ever had to make and it may be for you also. I hope whatever happens that your family ends up happy. If you don't get your baby, you'll have to choose to be happy because the other two need you.

Sincerely,
L. M.

I would like a 3rd, but my husband thinks 2 is plenty and had a vasectomy. I am a little sad, but I know that there are a lot of things that would have to change to accommodate a third child, from a bigger car to a bigger house, so it made since for us to stop at 2. You and your hubby should talk about why you want another, and why he does not, so you can both make a choice that is best for all of your family.

Working with birth to three children and their parents I have noted an interesting demographic change, particularly in todays shaky economy; it is almost a given or fad (if you will) to have three kids (and some having more). Although there is nothing wrong with individually wanting three (or more kids), I think it is important to determine whether it is something you truly want or whether it is something you think you want because everyone else is doing it. I give your husband credit for realizing two is enough for him and I think you should respect that. For all the moms out there who feel this means there is a marital problem---its not like this mom wants four kids and he did not want ANY. They did go ahead and have two kids and he feels this is good. Enjoy what you have. If later you both change your minds that's ok too.

You write: "My husband says 2 is plenty, we are not having more, end of discussion, no way, never"

It's not OK that he isn't talking with you about this. Is he a stay-at-home Dad? If not, then his desire does NOT trump yours.

For what it's worth, my husband has made decisions that have a HUGE impact on my life without me as well. I have learned to be OK with becoming a huge pain in the neck when my husband refuses to discuss things like this with me.

It doesn't always work out the way I'd like, but I have a lot less resentment. The trick is not getting angry though (can't claim I always pull that off).

Good luck!!!!!!

I hate when men do this, they don't even take into consideration that women do not work this way. Needless to say, I think you need to express this to your husband very honestly like you did here. Keep in mind that you really cannot be accusing, come from your perspective and how you feel about his making the decision for you - IT HURTS. He probably will not change his mind but at least you can talk about it and find out why he does not want another. I am sure there is a good reason he doesn't. The last thing you want to do is push a child that isn't wanted by both parents.

In short, by talking about it and really listening to your husband's reasons might help you get over resentment.

Good luck!

I have only one, and long for two. Sounds like you and your husband need to sit down and speak with one another, to come to an understanding of how you each feel.

That said, because I am not having another child, I take deep breaths when the overwhelming feeling comes, look at the three years of pictures of my boy, express my sadness to friends and my husband, and enjoy each and every moment with my little one. It is tough, but the best way to move on from a desire that may not or will not be realized is to feel the emotions, let them take you, and then say thank you to those emotions for expanding my heart to appreciate my little boy even more.

Best to you.

My husband was sure he only wanted two also. He told everyone we were done. I prayed ever single day that we would have more kids. God heard me and we have six. Two little ones are in heaven and four are with us. He loves them all with all his heart.

Having more than two kids has made me a better parent and given my kids the best gifts ever, each other. Keep working with him.

I say go for it! What's he gonna do... not love his own child? I just had #3 and lemme tell ya, it's ALOT more work than 2.. just so ya know... but I don't regret it and even though my husband didn't want another one, i agree with another poster who said something about renting uterus space... ha ha! It's your body. Just remember to help out with finances when the kids are in school so your husband doesn't flip out over paying for 3 college educations. :)

I agree with pretty much everything that has been said, but I think the best piece of advice I was ever given about approaching my husband with things was the way I was doing it. I finally listened and took a step back and brought the conversation up a totally different way(not about having more kids-I'm on the flip side of that, but thats a whole other story ;) One day I said 'hey, would you mind looking up some info on getting a vasectomy and just seeing what is said about it and take it from there' I think he felt a little less "attacked" like I wasnt telling him how it was going to be. Maybe if you take a step back and do an honest review of how you are handling the situation you will get a better response. Totally agree w/using "I" statements......something like I really feel like.......you guys will figure it out in time and hopefully you will reach a happy medium-best of luck

okay i really do think that your stubbornness is being brought on by his stubbornness. why not just table it for a year or two? the more you push the more he will resist. when it is something that isn't going to happen for a LONG time anyway (IF it does, of course), why waste time/energy/stress fighting about it now?

for what it's worth, i feel that either partner should always have veto power on this issue, it should be a unanimous decision. he has that right.

(and yes, i don't feel you should get so wrapped up in numbers. who cares what your friends are doing? why do you need three? i admit i don't get it. but i won't lecture you. apparently you want what you want and you have your reasons. i don't see them, but that's just me.)