Husband and I Totally Disagree on How to Deal with Toddlers!

All I can reccommend is the dicipline book by Dr Sears (he also wrote "The Baby Book"). I wish I could tell you the name of it, but my husband is in the midst of reading it right now and has it at work!!!

xoxo
Jen B

Your husband is trying to assert his authority in an environment he is removed from for 4 days a week - he wants it nice and orderly when he returns, which is understandable, but it's unrealistic. Kids who live with someone threatening miss out on the love and can wind up to be bullies. He needs to find a fun activity that they can do with him, something special. Maybe, when Dad comes home, they go to the zoo or the park, or play a particular game. He may also be jealous of the closeness they have with you, and be at a loss as to how to establish this same relationship with him. But his way isn't working. If there was a way to videotape their reactions and then show it to him when he is calm, it might help. If you could also videotape them playing, he would see what works and is positive, and feel good enough about himself that he can try to duplicate that behavior and get away from the negative. You are correct that you have to choose your battles with kids - they are not perfect and they do spill, have bad days, try to push your buttons, etc. Gentle negotiating and redirecting are the best way. Can you rent parenting videotapes at the library and just put them on, saying you are getting input and advice? Don't force your husband to watch, just put them on quietly and settle down. If it doesn't seem like you have all the answers and he has none, he might be more open. Good luck!

have you tried sitting down with him and letting him know how much this bothers you? Let him know that parenting is a team approach and it's important for the health of your children that you and him be on the same page. I know it's not easy dealing with men sometimes. They can be so stuborn at times.

I've always had issues with my kids father. When it comes to parenting he takes a back seat and then critisizes me afterwards about how i react. I don't know how many times i tell him rather than critisizing me - help me! he just doesn't seem to get it and my kids are teens.

Dear S.,
I have dealt with the same thing for years. I know exactly what you're going through. It's very difficult. It tears at your heart to see the little ones cower like that, and yet you know your husband wouldn't actually hurt them (physically). But, let me tell you from my own experience (my kids are now 10 and 8 and I've been married for almost 14 years) that it won't get better unless you deal with it right now. It will get worse. Your husband's behavior may not get worse, but it's affect on the children will as they grow older and begin to be able to analyze their feelings. "I'm not doing anything wrong, why is he yelling at me?" "I just spilled it by mistake, why is he so angry with me?" It's very confusing for children. They assume by nature that their parents are good and right. As they learn to compare their parents with others and to analyze their own feelings, they will struggle with the disparity. And this, is NOT good. This causes confusion they can't express to you. It causes feelings of great inadequacy and shame. It can lead to very angry kids with a lack of confidence in themselves. I say this from my own experience - having lived with this, and still living with it. My husband is not an abusive person, and he's very loving and often so wonderful with the kids it's amazing. But then, if he's stressed or if he's overtired and his patience is short, look out. He yells, he snaps at them, he accuses them of things they may not even have done and he's just generally not nice at all. I see the effect on my son the most and I can tell you it's NOT GOOD. I have been to a counselor about this to try to learn what I can do. It has helped me a lot - I've learned a lot about my husband's needs and how to help him out of these swings. I recommend you try to talk to your husband about this at a time when he is in a great mood. I know it's hard because the last thing you want to do is ruin his great mood. But, remember, nothing is more important than the welfare of your children and yourself. If talking to him doesn't help, see a counselor who may be able to help you talk to him. One other thing that I've found helps us a lot (and this is going to sound really dumb) is email. I find that when it comes to uncomfortable or agitating subjects, my husband and I have very healthy, open conversations via email. When we talk about these issues in person, we tend to get defensive and heated and it all blows up. But with email, we can each sit back and consider things before responding. It works really well for us.
Anyway, so long winded here. Just know that I'll be thinking of you and your kids. It's VERY difficult. I know. Don't let it go and don't assume it will get easier. But, it's the most important thing you can fix - and what a better world you'll have when you do. Also, it's critical that you're children see that you don't like his behavior and you are working to make it better. Otherwise, they will grow up thinking either it's okay, or that you - their mother- either didn't have the courage to protect their feelings, or dodn't care enough. They rely on you.
Take care. My best wishes to you all. Being a happy family is hard work. Be brave and strong and work for what you know is right. It's not only worth it, but the most important work you do.

Maybe you could video tape him interacting with the kids and/or do a role play where he is the child (kneeling, so he can be child height) and someone stands over him and pretends to be him. maybe if he saw a video or role played he may feel more compassion for how the kids must feel when an adult is intimidating. Sometimes if we can "wear someone else's shoes" or see ourselves on video we realize it's time to lighten up.

My goodness, are you me? I have no good idea about what you can do, but want you to know that you are not alone at all. I console myself with my reading that says learning how to handle people with differnt styles is an important skill for kids. My husband and I have talked about counseling too - it is just hard to figure out how we could fit sessions into our life. So for now we are muddling along.

HI S.,
I have the similar complaint... problem... I am a stay at home mom with 3 kids(8/5/2) and my husband is the big bad wolf at times.He is also great at times and can be that great dad that stays in control and is wonderful with them. I try to discipline with the time outs and strike chart with them losing privlidges...(rewards chart too) which works most the time. BUT my husband is the yell/ intimadate kind. I have addressed this over and over and even(don't laugh) had him watch Super Nanny with me to make him see we have to be on the same page with our discipline or it just won't work.... BUT he always does it "his way" and we are way off track with getting the 3 of them under control. Mind you, when he does try the warning and time outs he gets results BUT its rare that he gets control of himself to use it. I tell him that I too lose it and am far from perfect with parenting... its a hard job! We have even sat down and come up with the Rules of the House ... together.... and went over them with the kids...that worked for wbout a week.If you get any tips that work, please share!! Good luck.
P. Hatstat

I went through a similar situation! Since it may be difficult for your husband to understand your parenting style, try giving him a book instead. This way it's not coming directly from you, and he may be more open. A lot is changing in the world, and most people are either ignoring it, or think it's rediculous. The children being born now are completley different then when our parents were born. There are many books that explain different behavior patterns in children today, I strongly agree with them. At first, it's a lot to take in but try to stay open minded. I think you're doing a great job so far. It sounds like you know when to discipline them. I'm not sure if your children have been diagnosed with ADD or autism, but these books with help you understand how to treat them. Even if your children don't have these diagnoses, the material in them will help out the parents no matter what. The names are Indigo Children, Food for the Indigo Children. Your husband is trying, but is hooked on the old ways of parenting, which is, you do what I say when I say it and how I say it. With these new children, that won't work at all. It will just frustrate and make more problems. Try giving them more choices and allow them to tell you what they need. Good luck with everything, just emial if you need other questions answered. :)

Hi S.,

Sometimes parents feel like Hey, this how I was brought up and I'm O.K. This may be true, but we all have room to improve. I'm a mother of 4 children. My oldetst will be 29 in March and my youngest is 6. Believe me, I do not parent my youngest the same way I parented my first. I am more mature and more patient, my priorities are different and I don't worry so much about the little things. That's not to say my oldest is permanently scarred or anything I've just grown along the way. Men in particular don't like to psychoanalize things however I do think you are right; it does sound like he might be intimidating to the kids and I'm sure that's not his intent. Parenting does not come naturally, that is why there are so many books and programs on the subject. We may all love our children but we can always improve in the way we raise them. You're right to bring it to his attention perhaps you could see if you could find a parenting course in your area that you could both attend together. As he begins to understand the psychology behind techniques he might be more willing to get on board with it. Best Wishes.

J. L.

How about signing you both up for a parenting class, or a session with your pediatrician or child psychologist?

Parenting by fear is a terrible thing to do :(

Ask him if he would ever do that to you? (And tell him, you would leave someone who treated you in that abusive way.)

I think partof theproblem is that he is away 4 days. I mean, he is justnot used tothe goings on or the "regularroutine" of the house,and so, on the 3 days he is there,he is less patient, because doesnt have to deal with it on a daily basis. You are more tolerant because you have themallthe time and what you see as needing attending to and what he does is 2 different things. I would flip my freaking lid if my children, (ages 4 and 6 ) cringed when their Daddy came toward them. He isnt disciplining them, he is scaring the living tar out of them, and that is not ok. No child should be scared of thier parent. They should fear the consequences of their actions. I wish I had better advice, but I read this question and felt sorry for your children, so do the right thing, and talk to your husband, tell him how you feel, and get this problem fixed. Children should be happy and have a safe feeling with their Mom and Dad, not scared of them. Good luck, Hon!

I think you should both read the book "How to talk to your kids so they'll listen and how to listen so they'll talk". If you communicate with each other about your differing parenting styles and want to come to a resolution about it, you might need a 3rd party in between you (ie the book) to discuss. Then you can agree or disagree with some of the examples in the book and try to come up with a way to be consistent with one another about how you both parent your children. Make one night a week where you devote yourselves to reading some of the book together or something (there's lots of examples and cartoon situations to read in the book comparing a desirable or not desirable way of handling a situation) Anyway, good luck! (i'm a mother of 5,3 and 1-yr-old and found this book helpful)

Hi S.,
My husband sounds a lot like your yours- he is an amazing, loving dad but he can be harsh and intimidating when it comes to disciplining our two boys. Does yours also accuse you of not being strict enough/setting limits?? I tend to take your approach and am pretty patient. I've been trying to talk to him about his reactions after the fact, and also tell him about times I "lose it" and how I always regret letting my temper get the best of me. It seems to help us both to problem solve when we are not in the "heat of the moment." He feels that our 4 yr old needs to be taught to control himself when he's tired and off the wall, whereas I am more inclined to let my son "blow off steam" in his room, rather than trying to force him to stop. Sometimes I don't who is right! My son seems to be more cooperative with my husband sometimes...It is so tricky, isn't it??