Hubby Is Emailing the One That Got Away

7 year itch? Be really sweet and fun, make him remember why he chose you. Remember why you chose him.

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I think it's shady - what does he have to talk to her about? Why contact her? I'm usually not a paranoid wife, I totally trust my husband and always have. But if all of a sudden out of nowhere he were emailing an ex-girlfriend just to say what's up...I would think it was strange.

I have an ex-boyfriend on my face book. But here is the rule me, my husband, and other smart people i know apply and I think all married couples need to apply. No email of phone contact with anyone you had sex with. Its a simple rule. The ex I stay in touch with was a long time family friend, and we still run into eachother once in a while. I would never ever be in touch with former boyfirends or flings. Even if it seemed like no big deal, its just part of "forsaking all others." I would discuss with your husband about implementing this rule in your marriage. I do think there are exeptions here and there though.

I'm sorry, but I guess that I'm the crazy one here.
Don't trust his lamest stutteringest excuses.
He said that he will check with you NEXT TIME. What the hell!
WHAT NEXT TIME, you tell him that you made it clear that there is to not be a next time.

If it was my husband, I would have gone plain crazy on him!

I would check his cell phone log.

Keep your eyes and ears open.

I would be upset because he refers to her as the one that got away, if he had not refered to her as that I would prob not have any issue unless one was given to me by the conversationsthey have. My husband and I talk to intrest from our past (on occasion) but not the big loves that got away (not that I have a big love that got away, my husband is the big love). I would be hurt if he wanted to be in contact with the ex girlfriend he spent 15 years with same as he would if I wanted to do the same. Talk to your husband some more and tell him how much this bothers you, he should respect you enough to do whats best for your marriage.

It's been a long time. Maybe he was just feeling nostalgic - or needy - or insecure - whatever - and he reached out to her. I'm not saying you over-reacted but I wouldn't let it eat you up.

about a year and a half ago my hubby and I were fighting over a co-worker - I kept saying I didn't like her attachment to him - he felt they were just friends - I demanded he stop "hanging out" with her. he agreed - and I accidently stumbled on a text from her to him where they were planning a lunch date. Even though she mentioned her bf (a friend of my hubby's) was going to be there I instantly felt ill. It's something about - oh I don't know - the BETRAYAL of TrusT - even if nothing sexual happened. Almost like - what does she have that I don't???

Needless to say - it caused an immense about of trouble for us and almost drove our 20 year relationship apart. In retrospect - it was NOT worth the aggravation, sleepless nights and sheer agony of thinking that my marriage was going to fall apart.

In the end - he is married to you. Yes - he emailed her - and you did the right thing bringing it up - and he appeared appropriately chastined. So let it go - please don't snoop - and realize he LOVES you but may have just been thinking about her. Make him remember why he picked you... :-)

Good luck.

It's not OK. Anyone who hasn't been there may say it's no big deal he stays in touch, but those of us who have seen it play out a million times feel differently.

Best case scenario if he keeps in touch with her and stays "appropriate". You'll never be OK with it and it will negatively impact your relationship through your sadness, even if you tell yourself to let it go because you "have no choice". Maybe she's still happily married and a decent enough person to never say anything inappropriate to him, but that's all up to the universe. She could be single or just a bad person, and then things will get worse.

Not so best case scenario, he keeps sneaking and it rears its ugly head through the years, getting worse each time.

And on up the spectrum to worst case scenario...

You are his first priority. He needs to make you happy. You don't have to defend your reasons for feeling that way. So many people will take the "I'm not going to lose a friend over this" stance rather than the "I'm not going to lose a wife over this" stance. I don't get it.

My husband had all kinds of exes as friends before I whittled them all away one by one as EACH ONE always eventually started trouble when I was "cool" about it. Know how I finally got rid of the last stragglers? I got back in touch with ONE of my exes on Facebook (he looked me up). ONE! After years of the hub's numerous exes and emails to them etc, and he blew a gasket over it. I said he could keep his exes for friends and I would contact a few more of my exes to even up the score and never gripe again. He could not DEAL with the fact that I would chat and become "up to date" with a romantic interest from my past and opted to ditch the dumb exes who he suddenly realized, were not all that interesting anyway. Mmmm hmmm. Funny how all of a sudden he saw it wasn't OK.

Tell him to quit contacting her. Let him know how bad your relationship will get if he doesn't. See what he does.

I soooooooo wish exes would just GO AWAY after a certain amount of years and marriages.

Not unexpected that when confronted he had a lame excuse, that's what we do when accused out of the blue. As long as the emails were platonic, and he said he would let you know next time, I would let it go.

That would definitely bother me in a big way. I would tell him that he is never to contact her or any of his other exes again. Even if he "checks with you" what does he expect you to say? Either he wants to be in a monogamous relationship with you or he doesn't. He has to make a choice.

This is my take on it...
Some people we meet throughout our lives leave a stronger impression then others, more of a 'connection' so to speak. I believe that sometimes people we once 'loved' but didn't get anywhere with might still need to serve some purpose in our lives and that sometimes those feelings stay around but morph into something else, they all don't just disappear, some do, most do actually but then there are those life connections that stay forever...but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are feelings that lead to sex. I hope that makes sense?

~My first 'love' I met when I was 16 y/o. He literally 'saved my life' more than once and ABSOLUTELY helped shaped my destiny in way that can not be denied. I was living on my own and he and I bonded so strongly that even though our lives have changed and our paths have went in other directions, we stay in touch and I believe we ALWAYS will. We both periodically check in with each other, just to make sure everything is OK and to get the latest news of our lives. We tell each other we love each other, which is the truth. My husband had a hard time with this for awhile...but thankfully as time has gone by he has come to realize that our relationship is nothing for him to feel threatened about. I will always love this other man but not in any way shape or form, the same way that I love my husband, the father of my children!

*Now you say you knew your husband was a player when you met him...if he is just being a cheater that is a totally different thing!

Ugh..I would be upset...not angry...or mad..but very disappointed and betrayed. Personally I don't see a need to keep in contact at all with her. Red flad to me that it was out of personal email and he acted weird when confronted. Not red flag that he would have an affair but red flag that there are feelings there and he is still looking to make contact.

Best wishes while dealing with this.

You have told him how you feel, so see what he does. If he respects you and your feelings, he won't initiate more contact with her without letting you know. If you have no reason to mistrust him, let it go. If he seems overly flirty in their correspondence then revisit the topic.

I honestly don't know what I would do in this sitaution. But I know what I *wouldn't* do.

If you demand that he has no further contact with her, then you are just BEGGING to be lied to. You might as well hold up a sign that asks him to sneak around.

So whatever you do - don't do that.

I wouldn't take it to seriously. I "check in" with an ex from time to time (usually to brag about how great my life is, how smart my kid is and how big my house is - hehehe) but it's just that.

As long as it was one check in email and a reply. You're fine. Don't think too much of it. And I'm glad you said something. Now let it go.

I am with Abby on this. I would not do this to my husband, nor would he do it to me. There should be a mutual respect and understanding about these things, so I would talk with him about it again to be sure both of you are on the same page (and you need to decide what page that is before going in). I am not sure I would approach is as some others have suggested and "order" him never to talk to her again. My husband wouldn't react well to that, and I am not sure most would. But share with him how you feel about it (as you have already) and make sure you both have some ground rules you are willing to follow. It really is all about mutual respect.

The fact that he acted all weird when asked about it also raises a red flag for me, but it could honestly be that he was just so caught off guard.

** To be clear - my husband has never given me reason to suspect anything or not trust him. Actually, quite the opposite. But he and I have a mutual understanding that, let's say one of his exes emailed or called, he would come home and tell me about it BEFORE continuing to talk with her. It is done simply out of respect and to make sure the other person never feels the way you do right now. I think it works, don't you?

=)

Good luck.

I still get happy mothers day, merry christmas, and happy birthday texts from the one that got away. I've known him 10 yrs longer than my husband, so, I am very respectful of marriage vows but he can't order me to never have contact with this person that I have been friends with since 1997! My husband doesn't have anything to worry about because it is short and to the point. We don't go into any personal conversations.
He, on the other hand, will call his exes and tell them all the sordid details of our arguments. He talks to them about our issues more than he talks to me about them. Drives me freakin bananas!
My point.....We can't control our partner and choose thier friends for them. But theres a right way and a wrong way to go about maintaining a platonic friendship with an ex. The occasional, hi how are you doing is fine. But becoming confidants is going down a slippery slope and very innapropriate.

He should not be in contact with her period. It's a done deal. He married you and now he needs to let it go. I would tell him straight up...My husband's ex wife contacted him after 15 years of no contact. No they do not have children together and they were only married for a few years...Nonetheless, I asked him not to communicate with her. He has respected my wishes and removed her from FB. I trust him and would have a lot to lose otherwise.

Are you feeling insecure in your marriage? The reason I ask is because your reaction seems extreme to him just keeping in occasional email contact with an old flame. I am in contact, email and even the occasion phone call, to my first fiance. I also keep in touch with my first love, and even got together with him for drinks when I went home last summer, at my husbands urging. We all have a past, and those in our history helped shape us into who we are. But the fact is, you are his present. He does not have to pretend he does not have a connection with the past in order to love and be happy in his present. In fact, I am surprised he was so calm about the fact that you violated his trust and privacy by reading his emails!

I guess I'm not really like the others here....I personally have no issue with it. My hubby of 9yrs still talks to some girls from his past...some ex's, some friends, some...hmm..a bit more than friends, lol! I have no problem with it. He has NEVER given me any reason to be weary of it, so why should I make an issue of it?? We both have access to eachother's email accounts, and have nothing to hide. If he wasn't trying to hide it, he must not have thought of it to be an issue. If he were intentionally trying to keep it from you, then I'd be concerned. If it was platonic, and nothing else was interpreted from it, I don't see why it's such a big deal.
Just my opinion!! But, like I said my husband has NEVER given me cause of concern for anything like this!

I agree with the others, I would be bothered by it. There's no reason for him to contact her. And his history as a "player" would make me a little nervous and less trusting of his loyalty. Sounds like he fumbled when you confronted him about it too. I'd monitor the situation closely. Ask him to tell you if she emails him. If he does, you can at least be in the loop and know what she and he are saying. If he doesn't let you know when they talk, he might be trying to hide it for a reason.

ooooh, I didnt read all the responses, but my gut reaction is to tell him this is NOT acceptable. Some may find me to be overboard, but something similiar just happened to my inlaws. MIL discovered FIL was conversing w/ ex-sweetheart via facebook for a year, which turned into "lets meet" and catch up, which finally led to an affair..........After 37 years of marriage!!!
Call it old fashioned, or whatever but I feel like you should not put yourself into a situation that can lead to temptation, then god knows what else!
I'm not saying your husband would do anything, but why play with fire? There's no need to be in contact with her, no kids, no reason. ESPECIALLY since he's referred to her as the one who got away? NO WAY :) Good luck!

All I can tell you is that I truly sympathize with you, I have the exact same thing going on right now with my hubby and his "one who got away". It's so incredibly hurtful even though I know that they only talked about platonic things. I have no advice--just wanted to tell you that I can empathize with how much this hurts :(

I think you did what you could and told him how you felt. Thats all you can do for now. Hopefully he will realize how this really hurt you and not have any more contact.

GL!

M

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What???? Your husband is filing for divorce because you found an e-mail? He sounds like a jerk. I am so sorry!

I think Janes answer is really a good one!

Oh dear, what a jerk!! Sounds to me that he was on his way out the door anyway. I bet he hooks up with the ex. His reaction is too callous for it to be innocent. Consider yourself lucky. Once a player.....

I do wish you all the best.

no, he's playing with fire and is going to get burned. i would tell him NO CONTACT whatsoever. there is no reason for it. you admit he is/was a player so don't let him play. i would be all over this. this is tough to go thru, I've been there...good luck!!!

Your feelings are perfectly understandable and I think that you have handled this well so far. It sounds like your husband and his ex do not have much of a relationship going on other than checking in every once in a while and saying "Hi" maybe for old times sake.

I don't know for sure but, because he was the one that was dumped, he may have some unresolved feelings for her while she maybe of the mindset that although he is someone that she once was with, she's over and done with him. I'd probably talk to him more about this in an understanding and non-threatening manner. I'm sure that his feelings for you are genuine but, as anyone who has ever been the dumpee knows, sometimes it is hard to let go of the idea of someone who you have been involved with especially when you don't understand why the person dumped you in the first place. I would talk it out with him a little more to try to figure out where his head and his heart are at. Also talk about setting up rules about having contact your various exes and what you should be able to expect from each other.

His e-mail to her doesn't sound like they have much of a relationship going on, if at all, but I get how you feel that at some point he should be over and done with her and there should be no reason to e-mail her, especially on a Saturday night. I'd feel the same way as you if my husband were to do this. If this is the only thing that he has done to cause you to feel apprehensive about his loyalty and devotion to you, I wouldn't necessarily rush to judgment about it. Definitely talk it out with him and set up better boundaries about communication with exes are concerned.