Huband and Your Child Before Your Marrage

Your first commitment is to your child. The reason your kid is rebelling against the new step-parent is because their time with you is divided by them.

It's a universal law. Kids act out because divorce separates kids form their parents, (kids want to be with their natural parents, they don't care that you guys couldn't make it work) then parents remarry and they get less time and less time and attention. Then more half brothers and sisters come along. Very often I find divorced kids are virtually forgotten. It's a sad thing. Just remember your kids happiness comes first, not yours or someone else's.

Maybe you could make sure that your child has lots of one-on-one time with you?

This is not an easy situation for anyone and with very little information it is hard to give a true solution. I am step-mom to a 12 year old. He and I got along very well in the beginning stages (dating) then once my husband and I became engaged suddenly the relationship with my step-son and I took a turn for the worse. Our problem however was the influence of his mother. She was not happy that her ex-husband was moving on and she was still single. She would fill our sons head with all kinds of garbage. Daddy is not going to put you first anymore, Daddy is not going to be here for you, She is going to take your daddy away. We didn't find all this out until we sat down with him and asked him what changed. It was hard for him because he felt like he was betraying his mother (he was 8 at the time). We had to reassure him that none of that was true (never was he put last) we always included him in everything we did. I made sure that whatever trips or events were planned they were planned during times when he was with us. Hubby also made it clear to our son that I was not going anywhere. Then my hubby had to talk with his ex and explain the damage she was doing to their son. It honestly wasn't until our son was a little older that she started to listen, and it was only because our son spoke up and told her that the things she was telling him were not true. Yes, your child will always be your child but if your husband is trying to be a good and supportive male role model and he is not harming or abusing anyone in anyway then it's not a matter of choosing one over the other. Like other posters here said a child only wants to see their parents together, sometimes it doesn't work out. But I do believe the child needs to realize they do not run the house and you as the parent makes the final decisions. We still occasionally have our ups and downs (him approaching his teen years and trying to manipulate all three parents against eachother) But we have all agreed (us three parents) that no matter what he tries, we communicate with eachother and get on the same page. So far it seems to be working. Our son now has two siblings and is living full time with us (he made that decision) he has a stable family environment and our relationship is back to being a good one.

Sorry for the long post but I have learned with time and patience things can get better. Oh and the comment someone made about allowing hubby to be the one to make some good decisions and be "good cop" at times helps tremendously.

It first depends on why your child is not your husbands and belongs to another man. Children hate to see their parents with anyone other than their mother or father, and to put a child in that situation is not fair to any child. I see so much of this with family's that have come through my daycare care, and it's sad when mothers and fathers priority is to be a wife or husband to someone else instead of just being a parent. Your child may need time, or your child and this man may never get along, you have to decide who's more important. J.

depends on the age of the child. You could try to talk to them if they are old enough to understand. Its a rebelous thing, kids think that parents should always be together. Well in this day and age that never seems to happen. I have a stepson that is 14 and a brat. He is mean to me but what am i to do. What makes them clash? Are they both males? Maybe have some sorta family day each day and "make" them try to enjoy each others company. The child if old enough should understand that as long as mom is happy things arent going to change. Dont get discouraged and leave this man, my stepson has tried to split my husband and i more than once, be strong, the child is not in control. They have to learn to live with things and get over the fact that mommy and daddy arent meant to be together. Good luck, god bless.

As a child of divorce, divorce is very painful for children. The bio parents can leave the marriage and go on their way thinking about themselves but the children live with that decision the rest of their lives.... We have to be accomodating to each side of relatives.

The first priority for any parent should be their children. Since you are remarried, I would suppose your child is hurting and might be acting out.

I hated my ex-stepfather. Not because my mom married him (she had been divorced 7 yrs) but because he was creepy, made passes at me and made me very uncomfortable. I was about to enter college at the time and I could not get far enough away from him.

Think about your child.

How old is the child? It's not easy. But you and your husband have to stick together. And I mean that. My step daughter lied and tried everything she could to get her way and make me the bad guy. And it worked for a bit.....my husband and I had some real issues for a while. Until a neighbor told him that HIS daughter was purposely saying things that were not true.
So, depending on the age of the child, sit them both down (after you talk to your husband first) and explain that this house hold is going to change. There will be respect and if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
You also don't say how long you have been married to the husband. If it's a new relationship, then give it time. They will work it out. Let your husband make some "good" decisions on some things that the child might want to do and you be the bad guy, even if you agree to whatever it is, so the hubby can show that he's on the kids side too.
You also need to tell the child that there are always people in your life that you don't like, family, co-workers, or people that you deal with at the store, but you do owe them respect and courtesy. It's a part of life, like it or not.
I would also tell the child the benefits not only for you to have this man in your life, but the benefits for the child. Like it or not, when Moms happy most of the time the family is happier too. And I'm sure there are things that benefit the child from this relationship.
Good Luck and hang in there.

Your child comes first because your husband was an afterthought in this particular situation. When you create a life, it is your responsibility to look out for that child and to give him/her the best life possible. If your new husband is affecting your child's well-being, then I think you need to let him go and focus on your child. Once he/she is grown up and out of the house, then you could date again.

Hi M.-

You didn't mention the gender or how old your child is but your child is suppose to be your first priority. The child needs to be protected by tha mama. This doesn't mean to allow the child to be disrespectful or misbehave towards your new husband. My guess is that your child didn't have to share you with anybody else and that huge change can be devastating. Your husband married a woman with a child...it's a package deal and he (as the adult) should also be looking for a way to build a closer bond.

Good Luck!
C.

Maybe some family counseling?

My step-dad and my brother never got along, and it made for quite a stressful home. I think a lot of the problem was that my mom didn't give her 2nd husband full authority over my brother, and tried to be the "parent in charge" for him. This caused problems because my brother took a "you're not my dad" attitude constantly, and pushed the limits to get his own way. There shouldn't be this conflict between an adult (father figure) and a child. Hopefully you married someone who loved both you AND your son, and also someone you trust to give authority to him to make loving decisions concerning your son. Then you can let your son know that your husband is now in charge of the home, and what he says, goes. After the "pecking order" is established, it should reduce most of the trouble. Maybe they can find something they enjoy together to help them bond a little.

That's your child and will always be your child. He/she has been through enough and you need to put your child first....your new husband comes second to your child's needs. Also, your new husband should be the adult and do whatever it takes to make your child feel loved.