How to Stop a Meaningless (To Me) Ritual?

I think you send a card without money and no explanation. This way you are saying, "we are still friends."

You could just send them their own check back on THEIR birthday.

Don't cash the checks, shred them. Send a note that says "I really appreciate the sentiment but the birthday wishes are more than enough so I did not cash the check". Send them cards w/out a check or money.

I would suggest sending a "group letter" with an "idea" to start a new tradition...

- love the idea of sending updated pictures
- include in the birthday card "my favorite memory of you"
- maybe hit the dollar store and get play money... send that out to eachother so that you are still acknowledging the tradition, but giggling at the same time

**Personally, the idea of sending a friend a check for their birthday feels a little impersonal too! You could see what kind of responses you get from the other ladies and go from there**

I would still send the cards sans cash, and not even mention it. Maybe you're not the only one feeling this way, and it will take the pressure off the others as well ;) AND, if someone gets snotty about it, they didn't deserve your hard earned money anyway!!

My husband has four sisters, and they all have SOs, and we all trade cards with a $20 bill in them for birthdays. It seems a little pointless to me, too. I've started to just save the $20 bills I get on my birthday and put them in the cards I give them on their birthdays. So then it's no real expense to me and I don't really miss spending the $20 either.

If you didn't want to do something like that, then maybe you should speak up and say you can't afford the ritual any more. Chances are, you're not the only one who finds it taxing.

Maybe you can start a new ritual, send pictures of your families instead of money. I'd send a brief letter to each of them with a picture of your family to get things started, and just explain that in these economic times, a picture from their family will mean a lot more to you than money. See if they bite.

I think it is fine to stop sending money in your card and to write a brief note that you can't afford the check (good job living within your means!). If they continue to send money to you, then graciously thank them.You get to make your choices - they get to make theirs. In our family, the siblings initiated only giving gifts to the youngest generation (ie kids, not adults), but my husband really still wanted to give something to his siblings - so we do that. It makes us happy to give a gift. The others keep their boundaries equally - they call on birthdays (I always forget them). It has taken us years to just realize we express our love differently, and to accept what the other can and wants to give.

A word on distant friendships. Since I have moved around a lot, I have found that now that I am almost 40, I am thankful for those people who have known me a long time - they are not my only friends or my daily friends, but they understand me in a way others just can't. So, I'd be gentle and not break ties abruptly.

Send a card without money and they will get the message....

Do you at least have all of their email addresses? I'd write a group email to them saying how you love this little way of keeping in touch but it's getting to be a little too $$ for you and then suggest that you send pictures or something else instead.

I wish people would send me money on my birthday. I'm lucky to buy myself a cake...lol.

Seriously. Just stop putting money in it. Put a recipe in it for your favorite dish. Start a new ritual.

ANYTIME you feel obligated to do something, you know your heart is not into it so why bother doing it? Just stop putting money in the cards. Send the card with no money. A gift is a gift and if you get money, consider it a GIFT but just because you get a gift doesn't mean you have to give one in return.

Send the card the first year with no money and a p.s. explaining why. If they send you money, great! Tell them thank you. We told our family we would no longer be able to give birthday/christmas gifts starting this year for the adults. My SIL still wants to give to us and even said she enjoys spoiling us. I took their gift, wrote a thank you note and don't feel guilty at all because we've set the boundaries for what we can afford. If your friends want to keep giving you money, don't feel guilty.

I had a funny thought – assuming you all send each other the same amount, you are actually just bouncing the "same" money around and around. You send checks to each of them, and on your birthday, each of them sends the money back to you. Sort of a savings account – but you don't get to withdraw the money. That does seem pretty meaningless.

I'd send a funny card to each of them and simply opt out. You'd probably have to make that clear, because each of them, in turn, will then have to facet the same decision. That can create something of a crisis…

Just send the card and say, "I love ya, but I really can't afford the checks any more. Let's just agree, no more checks. Happy birthday!"

How much money do you send each other?
I would just send the money back. No explanation.

I'm so curious how old you are and how much you spend? Sorry if that is TMI and none of my business - but I'm just too curious.

I have to agree with the person who said top do a photo or even an old photo from when you used to hang out. Or share a memory.

I absolutely agree with T.B. and the idea by Nancy B. is well put. Start something new. Try not to lose touch with the girls, obviously they are thinking about you. Maybe you should try calling one of them and thanking them for the card and money, and explain how you'd like to keep in touch by sending cards (with new recipes), pictures of you and your family etc. A friend of mine arranges to be with her three closest friends who live in different places of the country once a year. It's a reunion of some sort. It has even happened that they've gone on special spa trips with one another. Maybe it's too much for some, but if you can, why not arrange a meeting point some time in the future.

You absolutely can't ignore their checks. That would be rude. You should always send a thank you for a gift if you cash it. And if you choose not to cash it you still need to send a thank you note and explain that you appreciate it but you didn't cash it.

The next card you send out include a short note that you still want to "celebrate" their birthday but you aren't able to continue the birthday check tradition right now.

How about if you don't cash the checks?

I would say that writing a form style letter, so you don't have to re-write it over and over, to each of the ladies and explain that you are wondering if you could stop this gift giving habit.

I wonder how I would feel if I got this kind of communication though. Would I feel like I had been brushed off and the relationship was over? Would I feel relieved because I was tired of it too? Would I think "How rude!!!" because it was the way we all kept in contact?

I don't know how I would feel I know I have a friend in another state and we visit a couple of times a year on the phone and the last few times I have had to call her. She didn't seem excited to hear me at the other end and the conversation was stilted. I know we both have changed and grown so much.

Both of us have totally different lives now and yet still, we became instant friends years ago and I miss that companionship. So if I got a note from her like this I would be hurt but know it was for the best. Hanging on to what is in the past can be tiresome.

How is it expensive if everyone is reciprocating? Sounds like a wash and not a big deal. Sounds like a card and a thought is a nice thing. Doesn't it make you feel good when you get a bunch of cards and money on your birthday? We're all busy. But in the grand scheme of things, is a few cards over the course of the year really that demanding? I would think you'd spend less time doing that than posting and reading about it here on mamapedia lol ! Just shedding a different light. Good luck!

just send them a card say, thank you and a few short words and be done with it

I would send the card with no money and no explanation. Continue the process of the birthday greetings. If they send a check, you absolutely must thank them. It's one thing to end a ritual, it's another thing to be rude. It is never okay not to acknowledge a gift

I agree with Page W. and T.B.

Here's where being an adult comes into play. Just call them or write them a note letting them know you will no longer be sending checks. When and if they send you a check, mail it back to them thanking them for the card with the well wishes. Since they were you friends you should be able to talk openly with them. If not just let your actions speak louder than your words. Speak up and let them know what you want or don't want. It is part of the beauty of being and adult and being friends for a long time. Don't worry about the fall out if any because as you said you don't feel any particular connection to these "friends".