How to Let Them Know

Don't worry about it. Just put it in the will and get a copy to those who it pertains to (your nice friends).

You don't even have to tell anyone. If you're dead...they can be mad about it all the want. Won't change a thing.

I would just quietly make a will leaving them to the people you want and not say anything to anyone else. It is unlikely that it will ever become an issue, so why make a big deal out of it and hurt people's feelings?

I don't think you have to tell them. Hopefully, they'll never have to find out:)

I agree with others, make this legal with a formal will, who the children will go to. Make sure the paperwork explains, any former agreements in writing or verbal are now void

And This is the final will. As of this date.
Your attorney can word it properly, so that no one can over ride your wishes.

And from now on, I would not share this info with others. People think if you are sharing, they have the right to tell you what they think.

1) MAKE the will pronto. Like a handwritten one today. Or your kids will go to grandparents or sibs.

2) Yes-ish. While a handwritten / motorized will is better than nothing... If anyone contests it... It won't be very strong in court. Spend the $200.

3) as long as you have a will, there is no need to tell anyone EXCEPT those in the 'so and so, but if they are unwilling or unable, do and so, but of they are unwilling or unable... Chain. Ahem. Always (if possible) have at least 2 links on that chain. Personally, I have 5. There is NO doubt, legally speaking, where my son would go.

3.5) in your chain you can KEEP cousin as #2 or #3. Might help assuage your husbands feelings of guilt.

#1 = Bestie
#2 = Cousin
#3 = whomever
#4 = whomever

(obviously in whatever order you deem best)

I see no need to tell them. Make sure your order of preference is clear in your will. After all there could be unforeseen circumstances that might make your first choice unavailable - they could predecease you or get divorced and remarried or something else could happen. Unless you both die while your children are minors, there is no reason anyone needs to know.

My husband and I JUST went through this! Now that we have 3 children, we've changed our minds about who is going to care for them *IF* anything should happen to both of us. We've not told the former choice, and don't intend to.

In the unlikey event that anything should happend to us, we have a hand written letter to our former choice explaining why we changed our minds. Very kindly, but matter-of-factly we explained that because they moved so far away from our children's *entire* family, we've decided that it would be in the best interests of our children to stay in their own home (which my sister has agreed to) after the death of both their parents.

But definitely get an attorney to draw up the proper paperwork to ensure that your children go where you want.

Honestly, I don't think I'd cause a rift by telling the cousins that you've un-selected them. The odds anything will happen to you in the first place are relatively slim. Make a will (if you own property, have investments, etc, then YES, go to a good lawyer for this), and in addition to that, write a letter for your husband's best friend to keep indicating that you'd like them to be guardians in the event of your demise, why that is, and sign/notarize it. Keep a copy with your will, and make sure your friends have a copy also. We are the guardians of a family friend's children in the event something happens to the parents, and they were advised by their lawyer to do this (as well as have it in the will) - that way, nobody can come back later and try to say that you didn't *really* want friends instead of family raising your kids. Apparently having your reasons stated clearly in a letter does help in the event that it ever goes in front of a judge. Hopefully it will never come to that but if it does - better to have your bases covered legally.

I would just make sure you have it clearly written in your will and not tell anyone except the guardians that you have chosen. His cousin may not even remember and may not want to have that responsibility anymore.

Find a lawyer and have a will made up, without one your children could end up in the care of the state with family fighting over them. It must be a legal will and testament through a lawyer. You can also put in it that you want the children raised learning your religion and set up a trust fund to help with the costs of raising them.

Why tell them? If you would die unexpectedly they will find out when the will is read. Since the chances of you both dying are very slim you really do not have that much to worry about. This way you keep the peace. And do NOT discuss this with anyone again.

You have to get an attorney. There is a lot more that goes into it than you think. You have to state how you want your assets divided, when and how you want your children to get their money. (For example we made it so they would get some at 18, 21, 25 and 30 so they would not blow it all at 18) Your assets will go into a trust with a guardian until they are 18. You have to specify how this guardian uses the money also.
You need to do this soon because God forbid something WOULD happen there would be a battle between both couples that you asked. It will only take a couple hours with the lawyer and they walk you through it step by step so its really pretty easy.

I say make a will outlining guardians for your children, financial, physical custody, disbursement of assets - set up trusts, etc. etc., in the event that you both pass away unexpectedly - you should get an attorney to do this.

Then hand out your attorney's business cards to everyone with the "just in case anything happens to us, this is who you call" explanation.

Then just leave it alone. Since you two are not going to die anytime soon, there is really no need to go into details with family and friends about your will. If you want your friends to be guardians, do ask them before you make your will to be sure they are on board. But I really would not go into with the cousins and the rest of the family.

C.:

I would NOT tell them. They haven't asked in years.

EVERYONE that is 18 years or older and has kids, should have a will and a living will legally done and notarized.

As to who should take care of the kids should something happen you or your husband this week? I would write out your wishes, take them to your bank and have them notarized and kept in a safe location. They should also get a notarized set of your wishes.

Then make an appointment or go to Legalzoom.com and get your wills in place. Life insurance policy numbers, assets, etc. need to be included. Who will be the executor of your estate, who will get what - wedding set - to your son or daughter? I know it's funky - but really - these things need to be stated.

I don't believe that executor of your estate should be the same person caring for your children.

Now that I've been rambling...what would I do?
1. I would NOT tell them. They haven't asked.
2. I would get it in writing and notarized with a set to the people you want to care for your children.
3. I would NOT my MIL - to be honest - she wants drama - especially if she's upset that you didn't choose SIL. This will only cause more problems.

If she asks again - tell her you are still going over everything - not to lie but to keep the drama from exploding to a full out fight.

I'm in the "probably not gonna happen" camp. You can't just ask people--you have to set up guardianship (my husband & I are the legal guardians for our friend's boy) and sign papers. Just don't mention it to the cousins, get the paperwork with your friends in order (because family will trump friends if there is NO legal document in place) and (if it makes you feel better) leave a "to be read in the event of our untimely demise" letter to the cousins with your final paperwork.

Your Husband should not tell them. It will cause a family war.
Why do that and put the kids in the middle of it all?
It is a parent's right, to change their minds.
But, make it legal. So it cannot be contested or your kids taken away, by your "mean" in laws.
You do not have to tell them.
Your Husband telling them will just cause permanent and lifelong battles with his family.
And it is none of their business.
And, IF you tell the in-laws, what if they then create problems with your friends/the couple, that you chose?
Don't create those problems for the couple that you chose. Or they might then, say never mind we don't want to be Guardians anymore... and be in the middle of your family war.

Don't tell your friend either, that all of this is causing so many problems with your in-laws. Don't make your problem with the in-laws, their problem.

There are fill in the blank wills online that you and hubby can fill out and get notarized, make a copy of the will and sign in front if a notory again that it is a copy and the location if the original(or any updates) written on the copy. Place copy in a sealed envelope that says keep sealed unless we both pass away and to be opened in front of an impartial attorney. Give to the friend who is willing to take custody. No need to let anyone else know of your wishes until you actually die with underage kids that need care.

I don't think you need to tell your cousin. That might unnecessarily cause hurt feelings. The truth is, both of you are highly unlikely to die, so it's probably going to be a moot point.

Just make the changes in your will, and tell your friends they are the new guardians, and don't bother to mention it to the cousin. In the highly unlikely event of your and hubby's demise, the cousins can get their feelings hurt at that time.

I think you need to show your husband this advice so he can see that many of us on here find it absolutely unnecessary to tell them about your new plans.

You COULD, btw, put your cousin in your will if something happens to his best friend and wife...

Do it in your will and if it is going to cause contention, why does your husband want to tell them?

Also, do you plan on something happening to you real soon? That's a hard call. Nobody really knows how a person will react when circumstances hit. The ones you thought would be loving and caring, might actually end up not being able to deal with your kids, and that same cousin you think is uptight and strict right now, might actually change.

Think about your kids and who they would feel comfortable around and let that help your decision, but don't tell them. You just never know and things MIGHT change for the better later on.

First of all, you should not be discussing this with anyone but the affected parties - the ones you want to care for your children. For the exact reason that now your MIL is upset your not picking who she wants. It's the same thing w/ naming a baby - you never tell anyone the names you like b/c you will get negative, unsolicited opinions. Also, there is no reason to tell his cousin. Who cares if they get upset about it? I mean, you would be dead right? I'd rather have them upset after my death, than cause an unnecessary rift while I am alive.

If the unmentionable happened, you do need this writing. A verbal agreement holds nothing regarding this situation. Your SIL would end up with them if your MIL has anything do with it.

If you want to protect your children, I would advise to get a lawyer and not leave it to a self written will that was notarized by someone who paid the fee to be a notary.

Make the cousins the official "God Parents", that is, the people who will look after your childrens religious education, and make your friends your childrens legal "guardian", or the people who will raise your children in case something happens to you. They are two different roles. You should have an attorney, especially if there are insurance policies and trust funds set up.

I wouldn't talk about it with them, to be honest. It might cause hard feelings. If they are inflexible, strict and formal, they might be that way with your news too.

Just talk to a lawyer about drawing up papers and let it go. You don't need to be talking about this with the family (including MIL). It's not their business. And so what if there is a big fight? You won't be there for it, and the friends aren't going to worry about it. If you have the lawyer deal with it, then that's what is necessary.

You can do a will without a real attorney, but I'd just get the attorney and get the guardianships handled. Some states require the guardian papers to be separate from the will, and you won't know that if you don't speak to an attorney.

Good luck!
Dawn

Hi, C.:

When a child is baptized, the people who stand by are the ones making a committment to step in if anything happens to either one or both of you. Talk with your pastor about this. It is best to have a number of people to be committed because you never know how someone will be to the children. Others can help with the care of them.

Secondly, Legal Zoom.com is an agency that helps you do a will for about $79.00. Check the web.

Good luck.
D.

I totally agree with Sara.
We DO stress on this type of stuff when our kids are little, we try to make a plan on who would take our kids....
I never had a will and assumed I'd be dead so it wouldnt matter that much because anyone in the family that would have taken my kids, I would have trusted that they wanted them or they wouldnt have taken them in the first place.
If it's really concerning, I would make a legal will, after you pass the attorney will tell everyone what your wishes were.
It's really not a good topic of conversation to bring up with friends and family, it's too controversial. And like you've already seen, you've changed your mind about the first people you picked.

What kind of "godparents" are they? Are they otherwise known to be your children's godparents, do they refer to themselves as such, etc.? If so, then you need to tell them something. There's "godparents" in the "help you with your faith" variety and then there's the "guardians in the event of death" variety. I agree that no matter the faith-based ones, you need to get it formalized in a will for guardianship.

The plus side is that even though you have a plan, there's a very huge chance you will never need it.

I don't see a need to tell them; just put it in your wills.

Also, are you sure that you won't change your mind about them once you see how they behave as parents of their own children?