A little background first. I'm a SAHM to a 1 year old girl who has not been left with anyone other than her father or my parents. She is really weary of strangers. I've recently signed up with a gym that has a daycare. The first day I took her in I sat her on the floor to play and stayed with her for 10 min. I then told her mommy was leaving and would be badk in a little while. She immediately got upset and started reaching for me and screaming. I left the room and stood outside for 10 min and she didn't stop or slow down the entire time. I then went back in and held her for a few min. and played with her for 45 min. This time I snuck out feeling extremely guilty. I stood outside the door again to see what happened. Again once she realized I was gone she freaked out. They eventually calmed her down for a few min, but the screaming started again. The next day, I tried again. This time I stayed in the room for 45 min. Every few min. I would move further and further away from her to encourage her to play with the others. I finally told her I had to go potty and that I would be right back. Again, she immediately got upset and began reaching for me. I left the room and went to the bathroom. When I came back she was crying so hard she was having trouble breathing. Of course my heart broke and I went in and got her.
Does anyone else have a similar situation or someway for me to get past this with her. We paid a lot of money for the gym that I don't want to lose not to mention I want to get back into working out. Any suggestions would help.
Thank you all for your advice. We held off last week since there was only a day left before leaving for the holiday weekend. We started back yesterday and I did exactly what you all said. I walked in told them that I wanted to make it quick, handed her off, said goodbye and went straight to the treadmill. After 20 min of walking I went over by the daycare and didn't hear anything so I went and finished my last 10. I'm only doing cardio this week to get her used to things. I will increase her time in there by 10 min each day til we get to an hour and a half which is the max she can be in there. When I picked her up they said she cried for about 10 min and then started to calm down and play. I thank you all again for your help.
Sometimes if the kid won't let you you just can't. When my youngest was 2 I tried to leave him in a gym daycare and he cried the whole time and they told me to try him again in a few months. It's normal for a 1 year old to not want to be left. It's just the bummer of parenting.
I'm mom to a 15 and 17 year old, and yes, I was a sahm until they were school age, even then I've only worked part time in order to be with them at all times. I know it's hard, I know! But is it really that important to "work out"? A 12 month old needs YOU, no socializing is necessary, she wants you! I don't mean to be rude but you need to be thinking about the BABY's feelings, given her reaction you shouldn't even have to think twice as to what is the right decision. Put her in the stroller and go take a walk! Twice a day, three times a day! Go start playing on the playground a bit, or I bet there are videos out there to teach you how to do little gym type things with a toddler. B., believe me, you will never get this time back and it means the world to them, too. It shapes their life. Good luck.
As a teacher, some years in pre-school, I always suggest to the parents that they leave as quickly as possible. The more time you spend "easing' the transition for her actually makes it more difficult. Children can "read' when their parent is wavering and will cry and cling. They "know" when their parent is outside, even if you can't be seen!
Please don't feel guilty. You are not doing anything wrong; in fact you are doing something very positive for your daughter. You are taking care of yourself and your health which is SO important to your family's well-being. You have found her a SAFE and FUN environment, and also giving her an opportunity for a little independence. These are better alternatives than no exercise, poor health and energy, and your daughter's total dependence on you.
Of course, hearing your own child cry desperately is like getting a knife stuck in your gut! But it's really harder for us parents than it is for our child! For the child it is somewhat of an "act" put on because they know it works! So my advice is this:
Plan to go back to the gym with your daughter. As you prepare to leave the house, resolve in yourself that you are doing what is BEST for your daughter and you and your family. Every time you waver, remember this. And when you get to the gym explain to your daughter in very few words and with determination, that you are going to work out and that you will be back for her. Walk in quickly, hand her to the care provider, turn around and walk directly out and all the way to the treadmill. And have a great work out, you deserve it! --G.
I agree with Michelle J - you have to make drop-off really fast. Don't hang out outside the room - she has learned that if she screams and cries you will come back and do what she wants. Kids are perceptive that way! So tell her as you drive to the gym, "We're going to the gym! I'm going to drop you off in the play room and then I'm going to go do some mommy stuff. Then I'll come back and pick you up, and we'll go home." When you get there, sign her in, hand her off to the daycare staff, wave a cheery goodbye, and get the heck out of there! They will come get you if she is completely out of control. After a few days, she will be absolutely fine.
My youngest daughter started preschool this past year and screamed and cried every morning as we dropped her off. I felt horrible about it, of course, but her teacher told me that she would stop as soon as I left. So basically it was a big show for my benefit. =)
I was in the same boat. Our youngest did the same when I joined a gym this year (she's two). In fact, it was just three visits ago that she stopped screaming at drop-off (although she would stop crying as soon as I left, from what they told me). I got called back to the kids room my first visit to the gym because she was inconsolable, but otherwise she's done fine.
The key is to make it quick. Don't stay long. If you act guilty or concerned, they'll pick up on it. Just make it a "Have fun! I'll be back soon!" good-bye with a quick kiss and take off. Have the mindset that it's ok for you to stay healthy by working out and that she will gain a lot from the time there (learn to socialize, experience new toys, gain independence, etc.).
Good luck! It will get better. :)
M.
Hi B.,
I agree with the others' advice. As hard as it is, the less of a deal you make of the transition, the easier it will be for your daughter to adjust. As hard as this is to do, give her a hug and a kiss and, in a low-key tone of voice, tell her you love her and will be back for her in an hour (or before lunch, or something she can understand -- she should just hear that you're coming back). Then leave immediately and do not look back. Do not look through any windows where she might be able to see you. Send a spy in if you need to, but don't let her see you or she will just continue to cry. The more protracted the parting, the more difficult it will be.
K.
I do want to mention something... you are building a level of mistrust when you tell her that you are "going to the bathroom" or when you sneak out of the room on her. Many of us have done it and don't realize that it fosters the anxiety with the baby/child.
When a daycare provider told me what I was doing (sneaking out of the room) and what it was doing to my child, I changed my attitude about it and started being honest with him. Guess what? It worked and he trusted me again!! I know she's only a year old, but I don't want you to build a situation where she feels insecure. You can start telling her that you are going to work out and you'll be back when you're done.
I was hesitant about posting this, because you don't know me and I didn't want you to think that I was being mean or being weird.. but then I thought.. if that day care lady had not said something to me about it, I would have continued "lying" to my son and made him not trust me in the future.
Good luck!
O.
I know that you have already received a lot of responses to this, but you could try a program where you bring your little one with you. Baby Boot Camp allows you to bring your little on in a stroller while you get a fantastic workout! Plus, you are paying less because you are getting a personal trainer AND you don't have to pay for gym daycare. It is an awesome program. www.babybootcamp.com
K.
Hi B.,
You've gotten some really good advice here. I'm a trainer and instructor in a gym, as well as mom to 3 and 5 year old girls. It's always a little challenging leaving them. They really want to be with you, right!?
One response stated it best: you are taking time to regenerate yourself. When you're the best "you" possible, that energy flows through you to everyone else in your life.
Good luck to you!!
D.
B.~
May I gently suggest that maybe your daughter isn't quite ready to be left in gym daycare? I knwo how heart-breaking it is to leave a screaming child. Sometimes they're just sad when you leave them, but if they are screaming the entire time you're gone, you might want to just go with your gut instincts that your baby needs her Mama right now, and that this will be just a brief period in her long life. If you are still interested in working out, why not bring her with you? I run a stroller fitness program called One Fit Mama. Mom who work out with us get their workout in, and the kids are happy to be with their Moms. Plus, it's a great social experience for both Moms and Babies. If you're intersted, you can visit us at http://www.onefitmama.com. Good luck to you, whatever you decide!
You've gotten some good responses and your plan of making the visits short at first, then lengthening them has worked for us too. I just wanted to add that right around 1 year is a prime time for separation anxiety--it's just a common developmental point for that. So just know there may be some ups and downs until she develops a little bit more and moves into the next phase of her development.
Hi B., I wanted to say that I feel for you , I have a 2 and 1/2 year old who wants to be with me all of the time too.And we are most of the time. But when I have to leave her or take her somewhere she does not like/want to be ,I definately find that being completly honest and letting her know BEFOREHAND almost always works ( even for doctor visits)
I am not able to leave her SCREAMING yet,she has a few close friends I can leave her with when I need to .She goes joyfully to them and I feel she will at some point ( soon ) be ready to go to a class with other children by herself as well.
Even If I keep her with me until she is 4 ,this is ok by me,as I have watched her slowly ,happily transition into her independence so far.
When I do have to leave her crying ( never with a stranger)
she does stop almost immediately after I am gone.
It is tough for me as she was born premature and also with congentital heart disease.She had to have open heart surgery when she was 6 months old,so we were in the hospital for most of her/our first 6 months and many times it was very critical and I was not sure she would make it. I know this is why it is hard for me to leave her,but also we have developed a wonderful bond that is hard to break!!!
I do though believe this "trauma" also gave me the awareness to really appriciate our time together in huge way.
it is such a precious gift ,beyond words for us to be able to grow ,carry and birth these little ones.
To be there for them is also a precious gift as well,as some moms are not able to and it breaks there heart every day to leave them. And we never know when this oppurtunity we have could end , so it is our job to prepare them to be happy ,healthy and indepedndent.
I think each and every mom knows deep down the best way for their own child.
It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job.
keep it up!!
much love,
S.
Hi B.,
Thanks for sharing your story. I have had a similar experience
in my past and will tell you what worked for me. First of all, I wanted to mention I am glad that you are making for your own personal goals. Health and exercise are important an can be a stress reliever. So Bravo! I would have your child bring a favorite item, stuffed animal or her doll. This maybe a comfort factor. Also I recommend talking with the daycare and they can have someone available and engage you child in an activity. I know that after about a week that your daughter should be more adapted to the new routine.
C. A.
IMHO that was the best thing you could do. I went to school to be a daycare/preschool teacher, and that is one thing i was taught. Hope you get some good ideas and that something works for you.
I babysat when I was a teen and one family the baby would scream the whole time mom was at work. If I arrived while she was in bed asleep she was fine to wake up to me. I also now have a home day care and occasionally I will have a crier but before they parents are even inside the car they quit. A film on tv years ago had cameras on children an it showed as soon as parents were around they cried and when they were gone they were fine. I think going back and back just gives her more reason to get upset. I have had parents stand on my porch and were so amazed when the children quit as soon as they were out of site. I have so many toys for the children to play with and other kids that they soon have other interests then throwing fits. I did once have a child I had to let go after three days. She threw the biggest tantrum and had a dirty mouth. She was not even 3 and was one messed up child. Live with daddy one night and mommy the next night. I believe she is a child where her mom does not care and the boyfriend was abusive. She did not want daddy to leave and ran around not wanting to go with mom. Told me something between the lines. There was no way. She attack my granddaughter and me. Out of control due to parents and I have no idea how they will get her through this. The mom was thinking about giving her to the dad as she had done before with an other daughter. Makes me sick. I thought I could work with them but they need extensive counseling I can not give. Also could not expose this to my other children. I only have nice kids in my Day Care who all play well together. We treat each other with respect. This was learned behavior.
I think the more you hang around the more upset she will be and makes it hard on the adults caring for her. G. W
Thank you for your post. I was laughing with tears in my eyes, when I read everything, because I have applied for a part-time job, and it's hard for me to leave my children. I think these responses will help me if I do get a job. My youngest is 17mos. old, and I have a 3.5 yr. old, 7.5 yr.old, and 12 yr old.
B.,
I am glad that she is doing better. i agree with making a quick transation. As you are walking to the daycare room tell her that mommy is working out and will be back for you as soon as possible. NEVER sneak out! They need to hear the comfronting words... and they do know and pick up on your body language. Hearing your own child screaming is the worst feeling ever!! But it is definatly harder on you then her!
I'm getting ready to do this, so this is such great advice! I just moved to Bowling Green, and I want to sign up at the gym. My daughter is 12 months old, and she has rarely been left with babysitters, and it didn't go well. I'm trying to decide between BAC and Total Fitness. Someone told me that the BAC daycare will come get you if your child won't stop crying. Any advice about where to go?
I know this question is ove, but I work at a Y daycare, and we get this with new kids almost half the time. the staff doesn't mind crying children, and they probably want you to have a good workout as much as you want to work out. the key is to be consistent, the more you go, the faster she will begin to enjoy the gym. she'll develop relationships with the staff, and they'll know what makes her happy. good luck with it all. just keep in mind if you quit for even a few weeks she might get clingy again. It is great for kids to be taught from a young age the importants of health and fitness, keep up the good work!
It seems like you have already received a lot of advice here, but I wanted to put my two cents in as well. I think it is VERY important that a mother has at least one hour two or three days a week to herself so she can work out! I have two children, and believe me, I need to work out (alone, NOT with baby) in order to keep my sanity! Do not feel guilty, the baby will not even remember and before you know it, she will also be enjoying herself in the child care! Hope this helps, I just wanted to respond because I saw some responses where people were suggesting you not work out for the time being.... Totally disagree!!! It will make you a happier, healthier mama which will benefit your child!
