How to Keep the Peace While in the Car

Hi S.,
Make sure there's nothing under the pad of her car seat...also, you can fold a blanket or put a piece of foam under there. There isn't much padding and she might just be miserably uncomfortable. Other than that, I'd just ignore it. Kids learn to manipulate very early. I liked the idea of stopping along the road until she calms down. Kids hate being restrained for long periods of time. If they know its taking longer, they usually chill.

When my kids were young I kept a small basket of toys on the back seat and some books in the seat back in front of them. This usually helped keep them occupied. You may want to pick some of her favorites from home, or go on a dollar store run and let her pick what she wants to put in the toy basket that stays in the car. Explain to her your expectations BEFORE you get in the car, that the toys are for her to play with and there's no crying while you are driving. Otherwise the toy basket and the books go away. Help her decide what she wants to do first - play with toys, look at books, watch a DVD, listen to a kids music CD, etc. and then let her do it. It's great independence to let her make choices as long as you list out the choices she gets. Crying is not one of the choices.

It might be something very easy, like she's not getting enough sleep at night and the morning ride to school is just a safe place to express her irritation. But it might be something else. My daughter hated to be in the car from birth until about 18 months. She was absolutely not one of those kids that you'd drive around the block to put to sleep. In fact, she once screamed at top tier for an entire 4 hour block on a road trip to CA. My pediatrician had told me that if she didn't outgrow it, she would have her tested for some kind of extra sensitivity issue. I have no idea what it was called. Luckily, she outgrew the problem and now at 6, travels just fine. If you can't see any changes you can make that help, give you ped a heads up and you might find help that way.

It sounds to me more like what SHE is missing, rather than you. If she is doing this primarily on the way to school, maybe is trying to express how much she loves you and misses you during the day. It could just be a phase, and she should grow out of it, especially if you are ignoring it. With my kids, I always told them that I can't hear them if they are whining/crying and they stop right away.

Her misbehavior could be a way to get extra attention from you before you part in the morning. It is possible that something is going on at school that is causing the trouble, but that does not seem likely since she calms down once there. She might know that this behavior is too embarrassing for public (my kids did by that age) so it sounds like the show is for you.

Have you tried playing kids cd's in the car? My daughter used to love to listen to "her" kind of music at that age. Ever since my daughter started preschool, on the way to school I talk to her about what is going to happen that day such as reading books, doing art, playing on the playground, seeing her good friends or favorite teachers, etc. We also talk about having a good day and following rules. I don't know if this would work for you but its worth a try. Usually getting my daughter excited about something that is going to happen during the day takes her mind off of whatever bad things or feelings she may be having.

Have you tried talking to her and asking her why she is so angry and frustrated with the car ride? You can ask her what would make it better as well. My daughter is 3 and she pulls this from time to time and I ask her what is wrong and she tells me and we solve it. Your daughter may not feel well (car sick), she may be apprehensive about school, she may need more time to get ready for the car ride, or she may have an activiity in mind that would calm her. She is probably your best resource. Lots of luck!

Hi S.,
From what you are saying, this sounds like it is very consistent: only on the way to school, pretty much.

Sounds like a learned-behavior to me: like there used to be a "trigger," but now she just does it because she's used to doing it, and the trigger's not necessarily there any more (???)

Instead of "feeding in" to the behavior by continuing to try and appease her, try something dramatically different to alter the pattern. Engage your daughter in a fun word-game or song *before* you get in the car, and keep the game going as you drive: don't give her the chance to initiate the behavior. If she can make it the whole way to school after a few days of this: give her a small reward (that she didn't know was coming) as you get her out of the car.

The idea being, if you change the routine that she does her behavior in, then there's no longer a place for the behavior to start.

Good luck.
t

What we do when the kids are fussy in the car is pull over and get out a book. When they ask what's going on you say "My car only drives when everyone is calm (sweet, insert whatever word you need to use, quiet is a good one too) Wait until she is calm, quiet, whatever you have said and then start driving again. Give yourself a little extra time to get places. Works great when siblings are fighting too!
I think she might just want some control. Kids have no control over the car and how fast it is going, when it turns, etc. That can be a big deal for a kid.

Hi S.- Make sure nothing on car seat, etc. is cutting into her or otherwise bothering her. If you did not ignore for at least 2-6 weeks, continue ignoring. She is wanting you to entertain her. Put music on to keep yourself entertained, and try not to listen. If she's remaining belted into her seat, drive on! If not, stop and wait until she is belted in, then drive on. Do not talk, or try to intervene in any way other than above. if she has behaved the whole way, give her a gold star on a chart of days you're going to post where she can see it in the car. Do not discuss at other times in her presence. Sounds like she's having a wonderful time making you jump through hoops :-) Car music helps- particular songs that she asks for appropriately. S.