How to Help?

I can't even BEGIN to imagine. Maybe you could take the kids out and about sometimes so that they still get to be kids and enjoy themselves and mom can have some valuable time to grieve in advance and be by herself or spend time with her husband.

My heart absolutely BLEEDS for her. I can't think of a worse way to pass or have to watch someone pass.

Suzi

Has she contaced the ALS Association in St. Louis? Bob Wessels is the director there and might have support systems in place to help them out.

###-###-#### is the St. Louis number.

Good luck,

C.

Babysit so she can go to doctor's appointments with her husband or out to dinner or just get away.
Volunteer at her school and help out in the classroom. A lot of volunteer stuff can be taken home.

How about offering to help her clean her house? babysitting the kids 1 night a week for a few hours? do her grocery shopping?

I know helping a friend in need is a good thing but you have 4 children of your own and I would hate to see you get stressed out in this situation.I would help her out by cleaning one or 2 rooms 1 nite a week,make a meal that you would normally make but make it bigger to feed her family as well.On the weekend a few times a month offer to watch her children at your house and have a playdate be creative with snacks for the kiddo's this must be hard for them to see their daddy.Pick up a feww items for her at the store on the way home drop them off to her.Keep in contact with her even if you know she is busy she needs support and let her know to ask for help.SAHM of 2 and 1 more on the way

You can join my Discovery Toys team, donate commissions to the family or give them some awesome, educational, lifetime guaranteed toys. Do a fundraiser so your other friends can shop early for Christmas for the children in their life also!

Think of the things you would want someone to do for you if you were in her position....does she need some of her male friends to offer to help with things around the house?? There may be things that need to be updated in their house...to accommodate the physical limitations that her husband will be facing. I don't know what ages her children are but are they involved in extra curricular activities that she could need help with transportation or supervision?? This is going to be an ongoing situation....so think long term....she may need more vacation hours...I know that our school system allows the staff to give hours of vacation time to people that need them....better than letting them go to waste if you cant use them all up by the end of the year. Most of all..just be open and willing to listen...your love and support will be priceless to her and to her entire family. Thank you for being a good friend!!
R. Ann

I would offer to babysit her kids, so she can spend valuable alone time with her husband. Also, give them a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant, so they can take the kids and have quality family time while the husband is still well enough to go.

Hi S.,

My father died from ALS about 5 years ago. I do not know how far along your friend's husband is, but as the disease progresses, chances are he will become paralyzed and bedridden. It was at that time that my mother needed help the very most. She certainly could not leave my father alone once bedridden, so my family would help out and volunteer to sit with him to give her the opportunity to get out for an hour or 2. This is probably one of the worst diseases anyone can have. I truly feel for your friend and her family. If he is still mobile, my suggestion is to let her know you are there for her, but allow her to spend as much quality time with him as possible. You sound like a wonderful friend. God bless you and may God be with your friends. J.

Hello S., 1st i commend you on being a good friend to your friend in trying 2 assist her. Maybe she could talk with their dr, possibly he could or know of someone who could put them in touch with a support group for ALS, and maybe even, if they are in a church talk with their pastor. Sometimes we will be surprised how much support is right under our noses. Prayers to you and your friend and her family.

How kind of you to want to help. It sounds like you have your hands full yourself.

Some people accept help differently, so you will have to feel your friend out about some things. If I were in your friend's shoes, I would love the meals. I would appreciate it if someone else could maybe take the kids to their activities, or maybe take them to a library or park for an hour or so to give me a chance to catch up at home. It would be great to take some of the kids to something and let me spend some one on one time with each of kid.

How about getting some help for the outside stuff, raking, cleaning gutters, mow the lawn, small repairs? oil change? weatherproofing? I know if it were me, I might be able to keep up with the little things, but the big things would get put off. Maybe you arrange a bar b q and invite a crew in to do all the outside stuff at once! I would emphasize outside because I wouldn't want to spend a lot of time cleaning the inside.

Anyway, these are just some thoughts off the top of my head.

Again, you're great to even be thinking about your friend's needs.

Hi, S.. It is great that the teachers are helping out in this way. I would recommend finding a few friends that might help with cleaning the house while she is at work. Find out what church she attends, or even your church, and enlist some help there if possible. So many people are probably willing to help, but might feel awkward about asking what she needs. GEt a few of her friends together and brainstorm what things would help her out most. She will need time away from stress, so maybe giving her a night off by watching the troops would help out. God Bless you for what you are doing to help your friend.

How wonderful of you to want to help your friend! You have received a lot of wonderful suggestions! I especially like the ones about offering to take care of her children so they can have some time alone together. I don't know if this will be helpful but I will share my story of a similar situation. Several years ago the asst basketball coach at the community college where I was employed was diagnosed with ALS. As a single man he didn't really have anyone to care for him as the disease progressed. His parents lived nearby but they were not a lot of help. Of course, he eventually had to bring in a caregiver. However, before he became totally dependent on the caregiver, a group of us started going to his house one night a week. We called it "Tuesdays with Mike." Everyone brought a dish to share and we sat around watching baseball (it was the year Mark McGwire broke the home run record), visiting, and eating. Someone always helped Mike with his meal but you almost didn't notice that he needed help. Although it was tough to watch Mike go through the disease, we enjoyed each other's company and Mike really enjoyed our visits. Your friend's situation is somewhat different, but ours was a gesture of support that Mike really needed. I don't know how private your friend and her husband want to be about this but if they would agree, perhaps an occasional similar visit might be good for them. Everyone could bring their children and perhaps an older sibling might "babysit" while the adults visit. You might also consider reading the book "Tuesdays With Morrie," a story of a man who also had ALS. May God bless you and your friends!

Good Morning S.,
I am so very sorry for your friend. My SIL just lost (last June) her cousin to ALS. They all got involved with the local ALS support groups, they had fund raisers, marathons. Anything the ALS groups did they participated in.
You could do a respite care with several friends help. Let her have some time for her self while some might stay with her hubby and family. She will really need more support, compassion as this disease progresses.

You could prepare a very special dinner for them, take the children for the night, sit up candles soft music, a nice meal and give them a chance to be together without interruption's.
They may need to just talk about the future while they can.
Get some men to help with car repairs or yard work. Volunteer to clean their home for them once in a while.
Take her to lunch and just let her talk, she will really need to express her feelings openly. Shock, Anger, Depression, the What If's? What now's. All will flood her soon.

I will keep your friend in my prayers, the the Lord will give them all the strength, comfort, peace to continue this journey.

God Bless You S.
K.

Yes!! There is something that you can offer than can be of great value to your friend! Any kind of stress takes a toll on everyone. But the stress that a caregiver is under is tenfold.

I am a licensed massage therapist and part of my practice is devoted especially to those who are caregivers as well as those who they are caring for. (the elderly, the chronically ill, hospice, doctors, nurses, teachers, etc.) Therapeutic massage provides immeasurable relief on many levels....physical, mental and emotional. While there are certainly the clinical aspects of why massage is helpful, an additional factor for caregives is that they are able to allow someone else to give to and serve them. My tagline in the past has been "helping you feel your best in order to give your best." Caregivers forget to take care of themselves and before they know it, they are so depleted that they have little to offer.

There are in-home sessions that work well for some while other individuals prefer to go to a spa or private office. Perhaps several friends could pitch in and buy a package of gift certificates that your friend could utilize for both herself and her husband at her own scheduled timing.

Whether or not you would be interested in my own services, I still encourage you consider this option with any therapist for your friend.

I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have. Just private email back.

Thanks,
C. P, LMT

I think she and her husband need some quality time to remember their commitment to each other. A weekend away from everyone would probably be ideal this early in his disease. So organize people to watch their kids for a couple of days, either several people can watch one child each or one person could watch all for a night. I would think several people would be willing to help in this way and your friend M. need some memories to help her through the tough times ahead. It will also give the husband some normalcy to his life for a weekend, they M. need several of these special times over the next few years!
At least I think thats what I would need if my husband was diagnosed with something like this, special couple time!

Make up gift certificates with specific dates on them for free babysitting. Package each one with a different item, for example:
Package one: gift certificate for free babysitting (at your house) on Saturday October ?? and include with it a new DVD movie that's out for her and her husband to watch at home together.
Package two: gift certificate for free babysitting at your house (make sure you have a date on it) and also include a gift certificate for Applebee's take out or pizza or something.
The reason you want to put a date on them is because right now she is probably overwhelmed and will not take the time to schedule time for just her and her husband. She needs someone to give her direction right now and say this is the day that she is forced to spend time with just him and not worry about the kids. You are giving her the Okay to be with just her husband and not feel guilty about not having the kids with them.

There is a great organization called Extra Hands for ALS that you might mention to your friend. The web site is http://www.extrahands.org/. I know they are very active in the St. Louis area because it was founded by a St. Louisan and the students at my school are active volunteers. Extra Hands provides support to individuals and families dealing with ALS. I don't know all the services they offer, but I know one aspect is that they match up volunteers with families to do household chores that get harder as the ALS sufferer gets more and more physically limited (or as the rest of the family gets more exhausted from caring for the one with ALS). I've seen students who volunteer with the same family for long stretches and form tight bonds.

Another idea for meal preparation would be a place like Time for Dinner where they prepare all the ingredients and recipes for meals and you go in and make a ton of meal kits in a short period of time. You can spend an hour there and come away with twelve family meals ready to go in the fridge or freezer for reheating later. If the family has a big freezer, this is a great way to make their cooking less work and stress. It's not all that cheap, but it's a huge time and energy saver for a busy/stressed caregiver.

I imagine there are alot of Dr.s appointments to come. Offering childcare or helping her find childcare(trustyworthy)during that time might be appreciated. Just let her know she doesn't have to go thru this alone. BARB K.

I think that the best thing is to get the kids out of her hair occassionally. THe kids will enjoy getting away and she will enjoy the peace and quiet without having to ignore the kids. The kids need to be kept in as normal of a schedule as possible, especially during this difficult time.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!

I have read about a housecleaning company that offers reduced price cleaning for those with illnesses, but I don't know their name. I read it in the St Louis womens journal, a free paper I read in a waiting room.

Otherwise, ask her how you want her to help.

Good luck

You are such a sweet friend to want to help your friend in a time of need--and to look for practical ways to do just that! I lost my mom to a long battle with cancer just within the last year, though I can't imagine watching a spouse battle such a progressive disease. I can tell you what helped our family most through our difficult time.

Email and e-cards are nice, but nothing compares to getting a REAL card in my mailbox. Knowing my friends took the time to choose a card for me and write a message made me feel very supported. Phone messages and emails were helpful too, but there was usually a need to respond (often when I didn't feel like it or didn't have time).

Everyone processes grief differently, so you have the unique task of figuring out what specific things would help your friend most. Many people (especially men), even when incapacitated, are reluctant to let others take over their household chores. At the same time, there will be practical needs in their home which will need to be met. Ask your friend what they need and go from there. If your friend is reluctant to ask for any help, then you will have to stay close enough to her to sense what they need and how much help they are open to. Obviously they will need more help as the disease progresses.

Meals were extremely helpful for our family. I remember one friend who brought over a basket of breakfast items. This was different than the usual evening meal, and it was a extremely helpful! It saved a few trips to the store. Evening meals were extremely helpful too!

Many people would not want friends to come and clean their house. It would be just too embarrassing for me (my house is a mess), and I'd just feel weird about it. BUT, if someone were to send me a gift certificate for a cleaning service (one that's prepaid), I would use it!!! This can get expensive, but if you have other friends who are willing to chip in, this would be a good way to meet a practical need for your friend.

A few things that seemed to make things worse... We had a few friends that just seemed to disappear when things got progressively worse for my mom. I now know it was because they were afraid to interfere, but their silence was taken as a sign they didn't care. My mom went to her grave thinking one of her closest friends was mad at her, because she disappeared the last 6 months of her life. It helped me when I had friends who just let me talk through my fears and my grief. Hearing advice of any kind just made things worse. I just wanted to know I'd been heard, and that my listening friend cared about my pain. My feelings were validated with statements like, "I'm so sorry you are going through this" or "I know this is a difficult time. I can't imagine going through it, but I'm here for you if you need anything."

Hope that helps a little!

Does she go to church? How about you? Sunday school classes are a great way to get help. Everyone is always willing to help out in some way, as well as the church. I would suggest trying that, if you don't attend, maybe getting into a ALS support group.

So sorry to hear about your friend. I think that you have many great suggestions and I would offer to do some of the little things for her, maybe in a backhanded way. Say to her, "I'm running to the grocery store this evening, please give me a list of things you need. I'll be at the dry-cleaners on Tuesday, let me know what I can drop off for you." etc. As a family, they may want to spend what little time they have together. Maybe meet them at a park one day and have your digital camera ready. You can create a little scrapbook for them. (you do not have to be a professional!)
I think that keeping the mundane, small details off of her already full plate will make a big difference in the time that she has to spend with her husband, and the time that her husband has to spend with the kids.

Have a fix up the yard day. Everyone comes rakes up leaves trims bushes, mow the yard plant some mums. Or just take the kids for a while in the evening or overnight to give her some time with hubby or for her to catch up on other things.

I am a Physical Therapist and have seen and treated the effects of ALS. My suggestion would be: since this is such a dibilitating disease, I would help her with housework or the light outdoor chores and find someone to help with the heavier chores/handyman duties around the house (your husband, if willing). It's so sad to see someone afflicted with this disease. Probably the best thing you can do for your friend is just be there when she needs you, because she will need you (emotionally). Just lend her an open ear and a shoulder to cry on. Your friend and her family will be in my prayers.

She needs a church! This is going to be a long haul and the support of an additional family is a must. I don't know where she lives but may I suggest mine. Grace Community Church in Spring Hill ###-###-####). I don't speak for the church but I know without a doubt our church would surround her and her family in many tangible ways. This is what a good church family does. Even if her family does not want to visit or be a part we will still help. We also send out volunteers regularly once a month for any type of project in the community if she could think of anything that she needs done. Thanks S. for being a friend to her. She will need all she can get.