How to Handle Stubborn Behavior

I agree with Jeanie and Dana K. Also, support her in expressing her frustration in an appropriate manner. We all get frustrated and need an outlet. Right now she is using you as her outlet. Teach her how to use drawing, scribbling, shredding an old phone book, or screaming in her pillow to release the emotion out of her body. Then you can move to the place of brain storming, problem solving, and choice.

Sometime when she is calm ask her to sit down with you. Tell her you want to do a little roll playing with her. Most kids love this. You be her let her be you. Explain to her that you will not end the role play until you can see that her frustratrion level is where yours is when you walk away. Now hold out your hand and show her a small stone. Tell her that you want that to turn into a frog. This will probally make her smile. At first. But keep insisting, whining. interupting as she does you until finally you can see on her face what you know is on yours when she does it. When it's over and she said I can't turn a stone into a frog, explain that many of her requests are undoable as well. Tell her that you know she is frustrated at that time as well but simply restating it over and over does not change what you can can not do. I feel your pain, I recently went through this with my thirteen yr old , she had done it a 9 years old as well. She didn't stop until I turned it back on her. That and I threatened to do the robot in front of her friends. Works everytime.

I wouldn't be understanding and I wouldn't give her attention. Unless she has some learning disability or low IQ, at 10 she is more than capable of understanding what you are saying. Don't even get involved in these discussions. If she wants to watch a show, she can look through what's been tivo'd, you don't need to tell her it wasn't recorded. Don't tell her she needs to delete games. If she wants to add a game, have her try. When she wants to know why she can't, tell her it's full and she can decide if/what she wants to delete. Don't get involved in a discussion. Stop making suggestions. Stop buying into this cycle. She is 10, she can figure out what to watch on TV without your help. Walk away. Don't feed into the drama.

Perhaps you could try letting her come up with solutions or brainstorm them together. So if her show didn't get recorded some possible options might be - check the station's website and see if a streamed version is available, learn how to set up the TiVo herself (if this is an option for you) and double check that it is set up, look up when the program will be rebroadcast (many are, just at odd times). One option might end up being simply not seeing the show, but let her work through it.

Right now it sounds like she sees you as the opposition (after all you are telling her she can't do whatever it is she wants to do). You may do better if she sees that you are on the same team - working together to come up with options to solve a problem, rather her seeing you as the problem. And of course it is more time consuming and more of a pain than just saying, 'no you can't' but she may gain some skills in problem solving and managing frustration that will serve her well in the future.

yup. walk away. not sure about a 10 year old, but my 5 year old doesn't get logic sometimes either. i pull the "i'm the mom, that's how it is, sorry!" card. don't engage, there's no changing the facts. it is what it is.

maybe at a time she's not upset about something, talk to her about accepting things. then when she starts getting upset next time, remind her of the conversation.

Wanting something you can't have is just part of life. I'd explain it to her that way. I'd like a million dollars. I'll be wanting that until the day I die if I don't do something about it.

Dana K has the right idea. Jeanie W has good ideas too, except I don't know about the robot thing. ;~))

Your daughter is transitioning from child to adult. Explain to her when she says she wants something and that isn't possible, like wanting a new game that won't fit on the ipod, tell her its up to her to decide what she wants the most, the old or the new. "But I want both" isn't a choice. The only choices are "new or old". If you chose to do nothing, you are choosing the old over the new. Its harder for some to make the transition from child to adult. This phase too, will soon pass.

Give her a hug, tell her you love her and tell her that its tough to grow up
sometimes. Growing up means making tough decisions sometimes.

Good luck to you and yours.

Walking away is exactly what I'd do! With a sweet "come find me when you decide if you want to do A or B since C is impossible" if she hunts you down to whine BEFORE she's decided don't engage just walk away or send her on her way.

LOL--- I caught myself channeling MY mom the other day-- my son "WANTED" a new dinosaur and I told him I "WANTED" a winning lotto ticket and when I got what I wanted he could have what he ewanted....

she's 10....toss the whole problem-solving part of the process into her lap. It will teach her some important life skillls!

She's working you, & you know it. In addition to designating her as the "problem solver"....how about this: Instead of immediately descending into angst & frustrations, try some humor. That'll stop the behavior in a heartbeat!

The next time she cycles into "but I want..."......grab a piece of paper/pen & dramatically & loudly/cheerfully vocal...make a list of what you want! Make it personal, make it fun, ask for World Peace. Totally make her see how ridiculous she is acting....without belittling her. The more drama you portray, the more you include her "opinion" into your list.....the quicker the whole event will end.

I have found repeatedly.....that switching to humor is the last thing kids expect. Humor has saved me many, many times!

I always tell my son, " that's nice", and then I leave the room. Arguing with them over and over again isn't going to help. Once he realized I left, he asked then what he can do to fix or change, or do something else instead.

If it was something like trying to explain about the Ipod, I would tell her that you have a solution, but you can't explain it to her until she can listen. If she continues with the " I wants" , tell her " that's nice" leave the room. Pretty soon she will realize that she isn't going to get anywhere with her "wants".

Also, sometimes if my son says he "wants" something, I tell him what I want too. Then we just go back and forth until the point where we are both laughing hysterically. It works..sometimes.:) Hang in there!

.

Based on your other posts about your stepdaughter, she sounds like she either needs a huge amount of attention and gets off on creating some degree of drama, and/or is pretty immature for her age, or is it possible that she does have some kind of learning disability? I am not saying that to be mean, just throwing it out there as a possibility. I like the idea of trying the role playing about turning a stone into a frog but I also agree with not engaging her when she exhibits this behavior and letting her know from the beginning that you will not discuss it further, end of story. It's one thing to act sympathetic with a 4 year old, but at 10, I agree - she should be able to "get it" and not act this way unless she is getting something out of it for herself (more attention, etc.). She needs to start being able to come up with her own solutions - maybe ask her, "Well, what are you going to do about it?" in a nice way and leave it up to her.

I am going to respectfully disagree with you that this is not a punishable offense. The first time or two, no, but after that I believe that it is. She is a smart little girl. She absolutely understands what you are saying. I believe she gets the logic just fine. It just isn't the answer that she wants. Sometimes it isn't about what she wants and I think you need to tell her that. "I heard what you said, but that isn't going to happen, so that's enough."

I think at this point she is punishing you by pestering you and bugging you and watching you get annoyed because if she is going to be unhappy, then so are you.

She needs to be encouraged to use her coping and problem solving skills. I think it would be a good idea to ask her what SHE is going to do about it, instead of taking on the responsibility for her upset.

If she refuses to budge I think you should send her to her room until she gets it together and comes up with an answer.

I love what Dana K said. Also, if the behavior continues, I would walk away and ignore it.

Good luck!

HA! This just made me laugh. I took a painting workshop with this eccentric landscape painter, and his favorite catch phrase for anyone relaying an "issue" was, "Hmm. Sounds like a personal problem." BAHA HA! So immature! But I kind of love it.

Like someone would say, "Well I cant' blend more red into my green there because it will throw off the other corner". Rather than REPEAT his original advice, which was right all along, he would just say, "Hmm, sounds like a personal problem." and walk away :)

He was USED to 40 years teaching stubborn, entitled, artsy egomaniacs, who are not unlike kids!!!!

Maybe try that!

On the serious side. I'd be firmer about it. I wouldn't let my kids nag me, even if it took some discipline. I also don't think they'd get to have the spiffy electronics privileges unless they bought them themselves and acted well.