We recently moved into a new home and a father and son live next door. The father and son are both nice and my two boys enjoy playing with the little boy. He's really into video games and TV and almost always wants to come over during the time my kids' are watching their afternoon movie, which is fine since he's polite and seems to also genuinely enjoy interracting with my boys. But recently he's started coming over on weekends since he knows we have family movie-watching time on Sunday afternoons. The truth is I feel these are special times reserved only for family, especially since my boys don't get to see their dad much with him working late hours. I tell him that we are having family time right now and the boys will see him during the week, but I feel somewhat guilty about it. I know he spends his time divided between his mom's and dad's houses and I feel I am being stingy by excluding him on the one hand. On the other I want to respect my family's special time together. I am interested on hearing opinions on what is the right thing to do. How do I handle this gracefully without hurting the boy's feelings?
Thanks so much to ALL the moms who responded to my posting. I really appreciate all your input! I found the suggestions very helpful and your feedback also assuaged my useless guilt. A couple moms suggested doing other things on weekends instead of movie watching. We have activity-packed weekends and our only down time is the two hours during Sunday afternoons when we kick back for a movie. I feel that if we ditched this aspect of our family time it would only be to avoid our little persistent visitor and that's not fair to my family. Funnily enough, after I posted this, my mother-in-law (who moved in with us a couple of weeks ago) started making comments that showed her annoyance at our neighbor boy's eagerness to come over to our house only during our movie time. She said she feels he is being rude by only coming over for movies and that he doesn't show he enjoys my sons' company since he's only interested in movie-watching and leaves when we are doing other activities at home (he does get a bit sulky). Her reaction also helped me put the situation in perspective: perhaps I should go further and establish more boundaries, suggesting to him that he should feel free to come over to simply play a board game and the like with my boys instead of only watching movies with us. Anyway, thanks again to everybody for your input and positive feedback!!!
I think you did the right thing & should keep on doing it. Family time is important. He should have family time at the same time.
Stop feeling guilty. You are taking care of yourself and your family. Providing for the neighbor boy is not your responsibility. As women, we're often taught to take care of everybody while pushing our own needs aside. This attitude does not work in the real world. I'm guessing that you were taught something similar and this is fueling your guilt.
I'm guessing that you feel sorry for this boy because his parents are divorced and are wanting him to see and enjoy a put together family. Because you say that he is well-mannered and comfortable to have around, I suggest that his family, tho divided into 2 different residences is doing just fine. Families are different now a days. Your neighbor boy may be disappointed because he does like to watch movies with you but you cannot make everyone happy.
I recently read a quote that said "when you try to make everyone happy, no one is happy." Another quote for my guidelines.
I would just tell him it is family time and that the kids can't have company just then. Sounds like he is really glad to finally have some little friends next door.
You might talk to the dad and tell him that your family reserves Sunday afternoon as just family time and as much as you really like his son you just wanted to let him know what was happening and it's not personal. that way he can understand and explain to his son at home too.
Since that's special family time since your boys don't see their dad as much during the week, how about ditching the movie and spending time doing something together? Alternate the activity each week... board game, local event, movie, outside activity.
I'd also talk to the dad and let him know that you're happy to have the boy over during the week but that weekends are reserved for your family. See if he needs some ideas of what to do with his son on the weekends that they're together.
There's no need for you to feel guilty about wanting to spend time with your husband and kids! That's a sign of healthy relationships right?!
I don't think you are being stingy! He probably likes being over and you serve as a good mother role model. We moved to a neighborhood and this will be our 3rd year there. I think people sometimes impose onto others as their right because of the "neighborhood structure." I get annoyed at the guilt I have felt but you know what....you have the right to your time as a family. Just consider yourself lucky that the son is nice and that they get along. I have quite a different situation with my neighbor's child who imposes all the time and it's made our lives difficult, to the point where we have to get in the car and leave for the day. I'm sure if this kid is normal and he sounds normal that he will be mature enough to understand those boundaries that you have set. You must be a really terrific person and a great mother for him to seek you and your children out!
I think your dong the right thing. I do not include other children on our family time. We have dad and son days and my son would be really mad if there were another child going with them. So keep doing what your doing.
You are not wrong at all!! I think it's great that you allow the boy to come over as often as you do :) You are handling it in the best way i think... you are being truthful and polite to him.. I would talk to his father and just say that... "hey we have family time these days... and dont usually have guests.. would it be okay to schedule other dates for him to come over and watch movies?" Im sure the father would understand completely.
Watching a movie together as a family is fun and very special and worth reserving. Spending quality time for your boys with their dad hopefully gets to be more interactive and beyond just that too.That said, it's still okay to have private times with your family.Tell the boy that it's time for family time and he can come back tomorrow and we always enjoy seeing you, which I think is truthful and graceful enough. The sooner he can hear that and respect your private space the better. It's not your doing that he has to divide his time between 2 households.
I would let him join you. Your family might be the only normality in his life where he sees what a true family is like. If he's not disruptive and well behaved, I do not see any harm (only good) in letting him join you.
Our family situation is similar - our kids only get to spend time with their father on the weekend due to his job. During the weekday when I am out with our children in the neighborhood and talking with the other parents I have just gently reminded them that weekends are our family time. We have all been neighbors for 6 years now so I think that has helped our comfort level of being able to say "sorry kids are not playing right now this weekend" but I think if you are polite about it, it shouldn't be an issue. Also, it isn't like every weekend we have a no visitor policy, but we do pick and choose how and with who we spend our weekends with.
good luck.
Your feelings are completely valid - two suggestions...First, perhaps you can talk to the dad and he can better monitor his son coming over on the weekends - leave it up to him to say "not now" rather than you. Second, you could try to get out of the house more on the weekends with your family...if you are at a park, beach, farm, museum, etc, then the neighbor won't be able to infringe on your family time AND you might have new exciting experiences with your children.
What a bunch of great answers here, You don't mention the boy's age, but I wondered if instead of calling it "Family Time" (which *might* be confusing to a younger child--after all, he likely thinks all time spent with dad or family is "Family Time"), giving it a name like "Quiet House Time" where you can explain that no one usually comes to visit.
You could also make a sign to hang on the door "We're having Quiet House Time---Please come back Tomorrow!" if he's old enough to read.
Lastly, an invitiation which comes from your boys, decorated if they choose, stating when he IS invited might help. There could even be a postscript of "We have Quiet House Time on Sunday with no visitors, but look forward to seeing you on other days" might also be a positive message..Be sure to address it to the Father, then the child. This might spare everyone a long conversation while getting your point/information across.
I don't know how appropriate any of these suggestions are, but don't feel guilty about guarding your family time. Chances are, if Dad is single, he's all too willing to let his son find his amusement elsewhere--he might need a break. And, if you wish, you can always invite the little boy to be included in the occasional trip to the ice cream shop or other attraction. The important thing is to get your information out to this father and son in a caring way. Best wishes on this.
We established a rule in our house that Sundays are family time. We don't play with friends from the neighborhood. For the first month or so, the kids would come ask if we could play. After a while of consistently reminding them that my kids couldn't play, they stopped coming by on Sunday. I imagine the same thing would work with your family movie time.
