I would like some advice about how to handle my husband's family. I will start by saying that I come from a very hands-off family. We are all scattered in different cities, and I think the last time we all had Christmas together was maybe 10-15 years ago. We're all doctors/lawyers etc. with demanding schedules, and can't always take time off of work. My husband's family is the exact opposite. He is the ONLY member of his family to ever leave Rochester, NY (including aunts, uncles, cousins, sibs). When he moved to Buffalo, NY for dental school (like 1 hr away), his family said that was "crushing." While we were dating, his family would insist that we come down every weekend for family dinner. Sometimes, in those snowstorms, it was really unsafe. If we didn't go, his mother would make up some excuse as to why we HAD to (it's your great uncle's second cousin's birthday!! I can't believe you'd miss that). Italian Catholic guilt runs deep, and we'd end up in the car on the way to Rochester. Mind you, this is while I was in a surgical residency working 80+ works a week with only 3 days off a month. There were times when I was expected to work a 30 hour shift up all night operating, then get in the car, drive an hour in a blizzard, sit for 4 hours for dinner, and then drive home. Not only that, but my hiusband's family is very unique. He has a severely disabled grandmother who is immobile and incontinent, an aunt who never married and who is uneducated and highly opinionated about our relationship as my husband is "her son by another mother" as well as 2 adopted siblings who are both mentally handicapped, and a father who his 500+ lbs too large to really walk. Taking a job at USC and moving to LA was a godsend for both of us. We moved in July. In August, his mother called to announce that they were coming for the holidays. What holidays do you ask? ALL of them. I can't imagine how they got on the plane. They came in late November and were at my house for Thanksgiving, my 30th birthday, Christmas Eve, Christmas (1st as a married couple), our 1st wedding anniversary, New Years Eve and New Years Day. Granted they stayed in a hotel, and my husband set limits not allowing them to visit every day during this marathon vacation. However, it was very stressful. It is also very difficult having them in my small 1500 sq ft house. We have to buy special furniture for my father in law (since he broke my leather Pottery Barn sofa-cracked the center support beam right in half). We have to watch his handicapped siblings to make sure they don't break anything/hurt themselves. We can't relax when they are around. Once we announced that we were going to visit my family in Wisconsin for a holiday, they asked if they could go too (they have met my parents twice). Then, inevitably, the question comes up about grandchildren. Why don't we have them? They can't wait! When we have them, they are going to move out to California to be with us! They will babysit while we are at work! My husband is a dentist, and I am a surgeon. We both run busy practices and neither of us wanted to have children. Well, apparently the birth control failed, and I just found out I am pregnant. In addition to being completely confused/angry/uncertain about this situation, the part that bothers me the most is now I am preparing for his family to barge into our lives. Quite frankly, they are not welcome-by neither me nor my husband. Prior to this news (which we have not announced yet), my MIL wanted to come by herself to visit (she is the only one who is not handicapped). We agreed. Now that we know about this, we were going to use this trip to break the news and to try to set some boundaries as we create our own family. We were talking to her about choosing flights that would allow up to pick her up/drop her off as she refuses to uses cabs or mass transit. She then announced that if she couldn't stay for at least two weeks, she wasn't coming. We thought maybe a week at most. My husband VERY tactfully explained that I still have to work weekends when I have patients in the hospital and that in our small house with our busy schedules, 2 weeks might be stressful. We also had plans one of the weekends that she wanted to come. She just didn't get it until my husband finally said, "Mom, that just doesn't work with our schedule." She offered instead to "not be a bother" and clean and reorganize the house while we were at work; she can entertain herself. My husband firmly said no. Her response was, "Okay, well, if January is too busy, then we'll do it in February." He ended the conversation by saying "we'll see," and hanging up. How on earth should I (or he) start the limit setting? I understand that the culture of his family is multi-generational, but neither of us are comfortable continuing that. We are facing having a child that neither of us anticipated nor are entirely sure that we are going to have. I feel like defining these boundaries MUST happen. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I am at the point where I am leaning towards either divorce or an abortion if I cannot figure out how to contain his family ahead of time. Please help.
First of all, I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughtful responses. My husband and I read them together. I found it was easier to put my worries/fears in writing and let him read. I think all of your responses really helped us have an honest conversation.
We had our first OB appt to discuss the baby and all options. We found out that the pregnancy was much further along than we expected, and we found out that the bleeding I thought were periods for several months was actually from an extensive subchorionic bleed, and she couldn't find a heartbeat of U/S. We found ourselves devastated and couldn't figure out why...we didn't want this right? A few days ago, I was sent to a high risk OB and had another ultrasound. The bleed looks stable, the heartbeat was plainly obvious and the baby looks healthy. There could be further complications like preterm delivery, but, for now, everything is ok. We have decided we will be parents...and a few months earlier than we expected.
In regards to his family, his grandmother unfortunately passed away in the midst of all of this. Even worse, his aunt's cancer made a devastating return. I think his parents mentally started packing their bags for CA. Last night, after all the drama has settled, Mike told his mother about the pregnancy...and then he laid down the law. Resolutely. I don't know if it's going to stick, but we stuck together, and I'm so proud of him. The quote of the night, "We are the parents. We make the rules. Anyone who can't play by the rules will be excused from the game." I know it sounds harsh, but this was after a good 35 minutes of protest on this mother's part. Let's hope it works!
You just have to keep telling them no. Tell them when you get time to visit you will.
Maybe get them a computer with camera that way they can see you and him. Maybe that will calm them down a bit. You can even have dinner that way.
They will eventually get it. Hang in there.
C., can I start out by being really honest and telling you that as I read this my first reaction was "This CAN"T be true...there isn't a family in America like this....she is making this up!!!" I can only imagine what life in this crazy family must have been like for your husband as he was growing up...congratulations to him for learning how to back you up and stand up to them in a kind, gentle but solid way!!!
If you are seriously considering divorce and/or abortion because of this toxic family situation then it is time for the two of you to do some really serious communicating and decide how you are going to handle this really intrusive family!!!
First of all...you are NOT...I repeat...NOT responsible for meeting every demand and expectation of these people!!! The only reason they have acted this way for so many years is because it WORKED!!! Set boundaries...make your nuclear family first on your priority list and then don't allow yourself to feel "guilty" because you aren't living up to the crazy inlaws(Or the "other mother's") expectations !! Build your own lives...find a counselor to go to and allow them to help you learn how to set boundaries, and how to love these people without allowing them to over run your lives!!!
Good luck to you....and congratulations on the coming baby!!
Check out some books on setting boundaries and limits (and maybe some books on toxic parents or in-laws). I've had "Where I end and You Begin" recommended to me. Also consider counseling, it might be of benefit.
I'm from a large, dysfunctional, overly enmeshed family and actually having kids was kind of freeing for me. It was easier for me to put my foot down when I was thinking of my children's best interests- I didn't feel guilty, or as guilty, saying no. And now I don't get pestered as much.
Good luck!
Your husband actually made a great start on setting boundaries by telling his mother frankly that her plans didn't work with your schedules. Clear! Direct! Simple! And the world didn't even end!
A technique I learned, as a life-long pushover, is to acknowledge what the other person wants, use the magic word AND, and add my firm, brief decision. Friendly, relaxed voice, not a hint of apology, and no reasons or excuses whatsoever.
It might sound like this: "Mom, I hear that you would like to come and stay with us for two weeks in February. That would be a fun / loving / helpful plan from your viewpoint. AND, NO, that simply will not work for us." Repeat as necessary, resisting your own habitual "need" to offer reasons.
From there, you can offer an alternative that would work for you. Perhaps two days on some specific weekend.
When other family members want to come, again, say no clearly, with the light comment that that does not work for you. If you start giving reasons or excuses, you open yourself up to argument or looking for other times when that excuse won't apply.
I had to practice this in front of a mirror endlessly before learning to say no to my mother's and sisters' eternal demands and expectations. Life has been easier since then, and I wish I knew how direct I could be 50 years earlier. And when I learned to say no clearly, my family learned to deal with that answer. I was and am surprised how little flack I get.
Good luck. You CAN do this!
Nothing in your post prepared me for your suggestion of a divorce! It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page regarding his family. This does not appear to be a realistic solution to your problem, or even a solution you both want. Also, please try to separate the concept that you are pregnant from the problems with your in-laws. It sounds like you are so threatened by them that you would actually have an abortion to avoid dealing with them and a baby at the same time. Whatever you decide about the baby, it should be based on whether or not you and your husband feel you can open your hearts and accept the child that you have created together, regardless of what your in-laws may or may not do. You cannot make this decision out of fear of how they will react or attempt to take over your lives. You are in control - I know you are overwhelmed right now, but I urge you to take some time to think about what YOU really want. Seek the counsel of your own family, if you are comfortable doing that, or close friends, or even a therapist to help work out some of your feelings. I hope that will give you some clarity. Good luck.
Sounds like Cali was a real blessing for you two.
And your husband has taken the first baby steps in setting some boundaries with his family. Keep it up. :)
It doesn't sound like they will hop on a plane and show up unannounced, so just keep restating what works for YOU and that you can't do what they are suggesting (when it doesn't work for you). In the event that they were to move to CA after the birth of a grandchild, you keep up the same practice of restating what does/doesn't work for you. They always have the option to NOT come at all. You have made it clear that you welcome them as it works with your schedules. That is all that is needed. If they don't like it, stick to your guns and they can come on your terms or not come at all.
As far as moving to CA, that would be interesting to contemplate... would the entire CLAN load up and "move to Bever-lyyy" as it were?
I have heard many ladies reference a book titled "Boundaries". Perhaps it would be helpful?
Oh C., sweetie. My heart breaks for you! I am also from (and married into) a toxic family, so I can completely relate. You and your husband were crazy to fall for all of your MIL's guilt and drive in blizzards to her house! You were enablers and I hope you won't ever fall for that again (I too used to be an enabler, but not anymore)! I have so many thoughts. The first thing that comes to mind is how can your MIL be able to visit you for 2 weeks when all of her family is handicapped? Don't they need her to care for them? What about her 500 lb. husband and her mentally handicapped sons? Don't they need and depend on her to care for them? How on earth can she leave them for 2 weeks or even 1 week or even a couple of days??? That's besides the point anyways. The real issue is that your MIL is ruining your life. It seems like your husband is very supportive of you regarding his overbearing (to put it nicely) mother, which is imperative. With that said, it seems like he needs to do more. He needs to have a very candid converation with her laying out all of the ground rules, telling his mother that she cannot visit you for more than 5 days at a time (I think even a week is too much). Because you live cross country is why I am saying 5 days - due to the long flight. It would also be best if she gets a hotel (because of the horrible way she is. If she were normal, I would think she could stay w/ you, but we know she is anything but normal). And she most absolutely can NEVER organize your house when you are not there - wow, she is crazy! If you decide to have this baby, the same rules apply, except for a longer visit from her if you will want/need her help w/ your newborn (which I seriously doubt). Your husband will absolutely have to stand up to his mother and tell her the rules (without losing his set of balls - he must stay strong and NOT cave in to her).
Like you pointed out, you do have other options (although drastic ones), which is getting divorced and/or having an abortion. Being married to my husband's family for 8 years, I often think about how much better my life would be w/o his family in my life. There were red flags before our wedding, but I turned a blind eye. Hindsight is always 20/20. My point is this - I have kids - you don't (not yet). If you really really really don't think that your MIL will respect you and your husband's visitation rules (and whatever else) and you are so stressed b/c of her, and you truly don't think that your life will ever get better until she dies (and the bitches/pain in our asses live forever, by the way - one of God's cruel jokes), then maybe for your own mental well being, you should consider divorce. I am wondering how much you love your husband? Do you love him so much that you can't imagine your life without him? If the answer is yes, then I think you should stay married. If the answer is no, then maybe you should consider divorce. However, you should only get divorced if you decide not to have the baby.
Just think long and hard about a life with your MIL (and a life w/o your husband). Make a list of the pros and cons. If I could do it all over again, I'd marry a man whose mother has passed!! I sure wish you didn't get pregnant - that would make things a whole lot easier. Best of luck to you!
I'm pro-life. But I don't think I have the right to tell another woman what to do with her body. I don't feel that I have the right to say to someone that they should or should not be pregnant.
How could you consider ending a life as a means of birth control? If you and your husband don't want to be parents...fine...there's adoption. SOOO many REALLY GREAT people out there can NOT have kids, and would give everything they had in life to be able to have what you're so quick to discard. Some people are just not meant to be parents...it doesn't make you a bad person for not wanting to be one.
Life can be about relationships and not just about the work that you do. You've chosen a profession that requires SOOO much of your time..that's fine, but you're not opening your eyes to the fact that a VAST majority of people DO NOT live like you. Your in-laws have NO clue how to relate to you. You work so hard at shutting them out of your life you're not even trying to understand where they're coming from. Help them understand you and your husband, and make more of an effort to understand what makes them tick. Don't hate on them cause they love you, your husband, and your unborn child. There are MANY books out there that address boundary issues...I'm sure other moms on here will recommend some to you. I think you should check them out and set the boundaries that will allow you live as you wish. Yes they sound very toxic...and there needs to be boundaries set as with all relationships.
I think you should seek out some help, with your husband, on how to set limits with this type of family dynamic. Because you both have already tried to set limits in a reasonable manner, so give yourself credit (and your husband) on standing firm on the one week visit conversation. Keep in mind that their response or reaction does not define yourself or your husbands efforts to maintain a healthy balance in this relationship. In other words I am not sure if divorce makes sense if your husband is going to stand firm on setting limits. Keep asking for advice, maybe find out from other sugeons what it is like to juggle parenthood with career. I get a sense from your post that you feel cornered, even hunted by these folks who are "family". That has to be so stressful, given that you have moved so far away and yet they still manage to overwhelm. Before aborting or divocing it may be worth it to be very frank about the extent to which you feel trapped by their demands. Being Catholics they may never ever get over your even considering abortion. Consider though all possible outcomes. Make sure to engage your husband in discussions about how frank you can be in talking to his family. You may feel he should do all the talking. But just maybe they will understand. Or be sooooo hurt that they what? Stop talking to you? I just think there may be a therapist or life coach who has strategies for dealing with extreme people such as your in laws. Best of luck to you!!!!
I am pro choice, and if you choose to not have the baby because parenthood is not for you and your husband I can respect that. However, from how it reads at the end it seems as though his family may be the main reason why abortion is an option. I strongly urge you to talk to your husband about YOUR reasons for having/not having children leaving parents/siblings/etc out of the conversation. The correct answer will come to you and your husband and once you have that answer you will be able to share the news, or not, and set boundaries (if needed) or act as if it never happened to them. I would not bring it up to them until you have an answer. If you choose the adoption route simply keep them at bay during the pregnancy or tell them you are a surrogate ... not really a lie. Good Luck and Smile, today is a brand new day.
I would like to say that I hope you really talk with your husband about the decision that your thinking of. I believe that he may have different views. According to you he is on the same page as you and that's great. He seems very bothered by his own family being intrusive.
What I don't get is why are you bothered by this and they are miles and miles away. I could see if they lived around the corner. You and your husband work grueling hours, who has time to even answer their phone calls to even agree to them to just drop in. You don't have to do anything you feel uncomfortable about.
Now regarding the divorce and abortion, I feel you are just trying to run away from the whole situation instead of facing it. I can't tell you what to do, but suggest you speak with a counselor to help you sort out your feelings.
I'm just impressed that your husband is really agreeing with you and is on the same page. I understand where your coming from. How I would deal with the controlling behavior is to let them know how I feel and when they disregard my feelings, I would leave them alone. Live your life and don't let other's live in your mind rent free. It's eviction time, release them from your thoughts. Your thinking too much about the situation. As I stated they have to actually get on a plane to visit and it's up to you and your husband to say when that time is appropriate for the both of you.
Be blessed!
I was traveling so my apologies for chiming in late. You did post this on Mamapedia, so maybe a part of you is thinking like a Mama already, and that is why you came to us. I hope you have your child, keep your husband, and follow some of the limit-setting suggestions below. The only other thing I would add is have hubby be very frank with your mother-in-law. I keep thinking she is overwhelmed and wants to get away from her burdens so wants to come for an extended visit. Also why she wanted you both to come up for visits. Also why they came to you. She also might be imposing her values on you, trying to make family more a part of your life where work is more your focus. My Dad used to tell me flying across country he had to stay at least 3-4 weeks. After baby #2, I told him and my brother that Dad can come for 8 days, and that is all I can offer and handle and I definitely wanted him to come, but only for that long, well, that's all he came for and it was manageable. When my MIL wanted to come when baby #1 was on his way, I told my husband in uncertain terms all my concerns and what limits I needed and my fears of having to entertain her, and he conveyed them privately to his mother. She sent back the message that she had been there 3 times with babies and she would give me all the space I needed whenever I needed it and by no means needed me to entertain, she was there to offer a pair of hands. And she did. And she held the baby when I needed a shower or wanted to cook dinner, and I loved her for it. But I set the limits clearly and let my husband convey them without my interference or listening in or second-guessing the way he did it - and he did it effectively. Your husband sounds willing to set limits, sit with him and make them and let him convey them. Worse that happens is they get a little ticked off and give you some space, so you get what you want either way :)
Wow. THANK YOU for sharing this with us.
WHEW. I am literally breathless after reading this.
I wonder whether you (both of you)
might benefit from just a few sessions with a therapist . . .
not that I think you need any therapy,
but to get some guidance/direction on ways to set the boundaries
without damaging yourselves or your relationship,
ways to both be on the same page during all this, etc.
Therapy might also be helpful in considering your options
with the pregnancy SEPARATE from the multigenerational issue.
Sending you seriously intense positive projections and encouragement.
Goodness! Is he the only child? They sound like a nightmare. It sounds like he is doing a good job being stern with her. Maybe enough NO!s and they will get the hint?
I hope you keep your baby, I didnt plan my first either, and she is seriously the best thing that has ever happened to me.
You have a lot going on right now. I would hold off as long as possible about telling them about the baby. Clearly you need time to get used to it without the added stress of his family wanting to move next door now.
Just take a deep breath and try to relax.
On a positive note, if they do move down there you will always have a babysitter. :)
I am pregnant with my 3rd baby right now, I didnt plan this one either, but children really do make you complete. Not that everyone should have them, but you are going to and I promise, when you meet your baby, there will be no regrets. You're husband loves you, for better or worse, and you will get through it. Good luck!
I 100% agree with Dawn G.
The ultimate outcome of this situation may surprise you . . . definitely read up on boundaries and family enmeshment.
Good luck.
My-oh-my sounds like you're having a really hard time right now. I don't have any magical words for you. But my advice is to be very careful not push your in-laws out of your lives totally. I agree that it is difficult to have other people in your home for such a long stretch...been there done that. But they are your family. I'm sure you didn't marry your husband without first meeting his family so you knew what you were getting into when you married him. Just because you seem to have a busier life than they do, doesn't make you better or more important than them. Set some house rules and enforce them. For instance, make it abundantly clear that visits will be limited to one week at a time. And that when they do visit, they will have to stay in a hotel. Yes, you will hurt some feelings, but it sounds like that's what it's going to take to get your point across. Try to spend quality time with them during your next visit, force yourself to get involved and not just sit around looking at your watch wondering when they are leaving. Sounds like you are holding a lot of resentment toward them for some reason, you need to let it go.
