How to Handle a 40 Year Divorce

I would ignore anything she does like that. Obviosly the only reason she is doing it is to get attention. I think once she realizes that no one is going to give her the satisfaction of the attention that she expects to get with her antics, she will do these things less.

It sounds like your husband's mother was extremely hurt by the divorce and that there were, and are, bad feelings on her part, and maybe with good reason. Perhaps sitting with everyone was more than she could stomach, but at least she was there. If that was the worst she did - sitting apart, and refusing to speak to her ex - it sounds like she did what she could. Since you don't seem to know why she feels as she does, telling her to get over it is insensitive and just adds more hurt and resentment.

At least at a party she could mingle with other people; it's really no ones business who she chooses to socialize with. Unless she causes a scene, which it doesn't sound like she did, I don't think you have cause for concern. Stop fretting, throw the party, and enjoy your son's day!

You need to just make sure that your son has a good time it is all about him!! It honestly sounds to me like mom is just looking for attention! Good luck.

This may sound really stupid, but talk to the graduate about it. He should be mature enough to understand the situation, and may have his own feelings about it - if she didn't even acknowledge being related to him at his graduation, his feelings may be hurt and he may not want her there. (If this is the case, your husband can explain to her that her childishness has upset the guest of honor, etiquette dictates that at any party/celebration the host and guests need to make the honored guest's comfort a top priority, and that she needs to make the effort to make it up to her grandson.) And since he hasn't had to deal with all the frustration, he may have a fresh idea on how to handle it.

Anywho, congrats on your son's graduation!

Just let her come to the party, be polite, and say nothing about her previous behavior.
Yes, this is about your son!
Don't waste your time trying to figure out her behavior....you cannot change it.....but you can control your own, and give your children the example of polite behavior.
IF she is NEGATIVE, walk away.....just say "I beg your pardon, this is a party/celebration for (insert name)" or "NO negative behavior here!", and that should go for any family member.
Always invite her, she is the grandmother, be kind and polite, but do not tolerate negativity.
So what if she sits 10 rows away.....that makes it easier on you.
If your children ask about her behavior you can truthfully say "I don't know...but she is still Grandma, so be polite."
She might someday get it,,,,,,but maybe not, you never know.
You are probably getting a glimpse of why she has had several marriages!

Denise L said pretty much what I was going to say.
Don't let yourself get offended over how she is treating your father in law. If he is offended it's his battle let him deal with it.
She didn't cause a scene and at least she was there, that seems to be the most important thing to you. At worst she could have refused to come because your father in law would be there too but she did't.
As far as the party, Don't look for things to happen, think positive and when it does deal with it then or let your husband deal with it. Everyone is adults...if you come you come if you don't you don't and the party will go on with whoever isn't there and a good time will be had by all. This is her battle not yours...just let sleeping dogs lie :)
And congrats to mom and dad on the graduate!!
S.

dovore is hard to get over = get over it is hard, emotional pain is harder than any

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

I don't have any great words of advice, but I want you to know that I support your point of view. Your mother-in-law is being childish, and is obviously causing any unhappiness or discomfort she feels over the divorce. It's time for her to take a giant step forward, put the past in the past, and focus on her grandson's achievement. I'm sure your husband's dad and his wife will be happy to give her as much personal space as she needs at the party.

Good luck!

I can relate to your problem. My mom is still the same with my dad as well. I hope this helps, but before I start, let me emphasize how important it is to make sure you and your husband are on the same page and ask him to talk to her. It will probably work out better if her own child is the one with the heavy hand. For my wedding, my mom said she didn't know if she would come because my dad would be there (this was 17+ years ago). I told her it was a one-time event and if she missed it, it would be on her. She came, but did sit in a different row. My brother got married in another country. My mom was able to go, but before she left, I reminded her that the wedding was not about her and she needed to honor my brother and his wife. I added that it was their "special time" and she needed to help make it a good memory. Thankfully, she did. Maybe some straight talk from your husband about who is the focus of the party would help. Possibly calling on her title of "grandmother" to set her personal feelings aside and be courteous to her ex for your sons' sakes would help her to adjust her behavior. Good luck and God bless.

All you can do is invite all of the grandparents and let them be themselves. Like you stated this is about your son not about them. Anyone who is at the party will see what is going on and know where the problem is. Let your son have his day and do your best to stay out of the middle of it for everyone concerned.

Have your husband tell her that she has two choices. She can grow up, come to the party, and act like an adult, or she can sit at home and mope like a child. But, coming to the party, sulking, and ignoring her ex- is not an option. She obviously doesn't have to spend time with him, but making it about something that happened 40 years ago is not fair to the graduate.

I live this situation with my husbands parents too. Yesterday was our oldest's graduation and his father didn't come because my husbands mother would throw a fit. We live this drama with all holidays and school functions. It has been 40 years and no matter what bitterness from the past there is - it is time to grow up. I am sure you would hate to have the mother miss these special events but maybe she needs to - maybe then she'll grow up! We now invite them all and just see who shows up! And explain it in detail to your kids- they can be the best cure. there is nothing like a childs honesty to make an adult think about their actions. keep in mind our actions have not cured the situation but it is also not our problem!

My husband and I both were divorced with children when we met and married and we deal with ex spouses everyday- we determined that we would never put our kids through this. I suppose that is the only good that has come of it. We have even gone on vacation together. ( ok that was nuts; but it meant a lot to our kids )

At graduation yesterday we all sat together- we went out to eat after and have an open house planned next weekend - all together. It is not easy but we don't have to like each other to do what is best for our children. Unfortuantely the era of our parents is that of divorce ending all simblance of family... where as now, our generation sees that damage and we try to just extend our family.

I do encourage you to make sure your kids completely understand the animosity and where it stems. kids tend to take responsibility for things that arent' there fault. I wouldn't want my child to ever think grandma was upset with them but if they understand grandma is childish, that is ok!

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your mother-in-law (MIL) is "over" the divorce and is very bitter. Sorry! That can be extremely frustrating when it comes to family functions.
As for the graduation party, I think you owe it to yourself and your family to have a serious heart to heart with his mom and try to "nicely" tell her that if she wants to come then she needs to act accordingly. This is ONE day out of the year that she need to stop focusing on herself and put your family and your son first. If she can't do that then she doesn't need to come. Or, have her come later that night after the party (or a different day/time) for a special cake celebration without everyone else present. Or, another idea that my friend had to do (sadly) was to tell her mom to come to her niece's graduation party from like 1-2:20 and then her father to come from 2:40-4:00. That way they didn't cross paths and no one had to deal with the stress/headache. I know it's not fair to the behaving parent, but if it helps the situation and if they are mature enough to behave, then they will likely understand. If you explain this to your MIL and she doesn't take it well or refuses to talk to you then that's her problem. That will be her acting childish again and begging for attention. You need to do what's best for you guys. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I can just relate with the immature MIL. We have had a very similar situation with my husband's family and were very straightforward with her when I thought she was going to ruin our wedding. Thankfully she behaved and has gotten tons better, I hope things work out well! :-)

You need to state the EXACT same thing to her as you did in this note. You want her there and it IS about him since he's her grandson. HOWEVER, you want it to be pleasant for EVERYONE. If she decides that she is willing to make an effort to do that, fine. She's more than welcome. HOWEVER, if she's not okay with that, they you don't want her there. NOT because you don't want her there, you just want her grandson to have PLEASANT memories of the party, NOT drama. That puts the ball in her court and you've set the boundaries.

If she decides to come and act like an 8 year old, it reflects poorly on her, no one else. As hard as it may be, if she does this......IGNORE her. Try to include her but DO NOT bend over backward to do so. If she ops out, forget it and have a GREAT time. Maybe she'll see what a great time you're having and decide to join in, if not, she'll probably leave. The more you give her attention and try to include her, the more she'll thrive on it. Let her watch you enjoying the party being an "outsider looking in".

Hi P. you sound like us because of the ages of your children. We have 1 daughter who will soon be 48, 1 son is 39 and their brother is almost 37. Anyway I would have your husband get his mother aside and tell her if she can't be respectful of your family then she will not be able to participate in her grandson big day. I am sure this will be hard to do but you have to be right up front with his mother it isn't fair to your son to have his grandmother act this way. Good Luck

Wow, sounds like my parents. Birthday parties are stressful and I am dreading my wedding because my parents and step parents dont get along. My father and step mother sat way from the rest of my family at my college graduation and I didnt even attend my high school graduation for the same reason. Its sad after that many years people just cant get over things. I would call her up and sit down with her and your husband, no kids around, and tell her how you feel. Let her know its not fair to the grandkids to behave that way on their day. Maybe even give her the ultmatu, sorry I spelled that wrong, but tell her if she cant come and be civil with the rest of the family including the ex then maybe she shouldnt come at all.
I wish the best of luck to you in the hard time and congrats on the graduation.
C.