How to Get Husband to Help

Hi A.! You need to sit down with your hubby and let him know you do realize and appreciate his busy schedule and that you need more help around the house and with your daughter. My husband can be lazy to and it drives me crazy. He works a lot of crazy hours but I am like hey this is a partnership raising a family and we both signed up for it so step it up buddy. Give your husband some good ideas of what do to with your daughter like reading coloring etc while you go shopping or out to lunch with a girlfriend. Mommy time is very important and then you can go back home feeling energized. Good luck

I guess I am on the middle of this one, I have a great husband who is great about helping with the laundry, and with our son.
My husband goes to college full time and works part time, I work part time taking my son with me. This last year I worked 20-45 hours a week. He saw that I needed help. I told him I needed help. There are weeks like during finals he is not home awake more than 5 hours Monday - Saturday. We have devoted Sunday to family and church time. So we do see him Sundays.
He is in charge of diapers when we are both home. I had been working as a nanny for a family with twins in diapers and our own son, and one potty trained child. I had had enough of diapers, we talked and he understood, he was not always happy about his turn, but he did it, and now I will do it if he us busy.

I try to thank him for what he does, wethear it is him doing his homework, or helping with laundry. He is more willing to help when I let him know I appreciate what he does.

With laundry we have a three compartment laundry holder that when the compartment is almost full is a load of laundry, we sort the colors as we put them in the holder. Whites, lights and darks. We also use a laundry soap that just uses one squirt of soap, and one squirt of brighter. Any thing to make it easier. (It is also cheaper than tide)

I do not know what to say about the computer, it can be quite the addiction. It can also lead to pornography with comes with more problems.

Good Luck
S.
mother to Kai
www.HomeWithKai.com

I'm kind of in the opposite boat, as I work while my husband stays home with our 18-month-old son (he goes to school at night and on the weekends). My husband does a lot of computer gaming as well and kind of leaves me in charge of our son as soon as I get home from work, but he does help more and more these days because he sees how exhausted I am from working a full-time job and doing part-time work from home after our son is in bed.

For us, it just worked for me to ask him to help out. We worked out a system where I do all the diapers when I'm home (unless I'm not feeling well) because he does them all day, etc. If he asks how to do something, let him know he's old enough to figure things out himself! Unless, of course, you have a certain way you'd like things done and then you should work that out together. Don't be afraid to let him do things differently than you--that's the beauty of two parents.

Plus, let him know that you need help now because once the baby comes in September, it's going to be practically double the work! Congrats on the upcoming little one, too :-)

Also, you mention he gets to sleep in on his days off while you get up with your daughter. That's definitely not fair! We decided that I would get up with our son on Saturdays and DH gets up with him on Sundays, so we each get one day a week to sleep in. It's only right that you both get that chance (especially if you'll be breastfeeding come September...you'll need that extra sleep!), so talk to him about that and tell him you need your rest just as much as he does.

Good luck with everything!

I started getting us all out of the house more. Even if it's just going to the park and then make him help from there. He's realized he enjoys it so helps out more at home too. Though he's never going to do it the way you want it, you can either teach him to be close or do it yourself when it comes to cleaning, bathing, etc.... Let him know he's doing a good job. I also had some short times when I have him watch our son while I go out and when I come home and the entire contents of the dining room table are on the floor or it's covered in cheerios, I explain to him that's not acceptable and he needs to keep an eye on kids becase they get into things. I also have him clean up after him on those days. When I leave again a few days later, I remind him of the disaster from the last time and he does a better job. You could take apart the tv before you leave so he has to fix it with an bored toddler getting in the way or play with her. Crummy internet (because my hubby plays online games) has been great for our family : ).

Many of the suggestions below are good and worth trying because one size does not fit all.

If your husband is operating out of a basis of ignorance that can be changed and your differences can be resolved. That is particularly true if you do whatever you do with love, courtesy, respect, and appreciation.

If the relatively simple methods suggested below do not work, you might consider doing some marriage counseling.

Bear in mind, however, that it takes two for a relationship to work. If he is selfish and bound and determined to do what he wants to do regardless of its impact on you, there is not much you are going to be able to do about this situation.

My experience with a man like this is that all of the pleading, begging, educating, agreements, nagging, ranting, etc. that could be done did not work. He was going to do what he wanted to do.

If your husband is like this, heaven help you. Then, you have two choices (a) figure out how to do it all yourself because you will not be able to get more than token help out of him. If you select this approach, you had better be willing to accept his unwillingness to help with the chores as part of your relationship. or (b) leave him.
You will not change him.

Hopefully, your husband is not as selfish as my former husband was and you will be able to resolve this problem in a more satisfactory manner than I was able to do. But bear in mind that in a relationship problem like this, both parties have to be more committed to the relationship than to their own selfish pursuits, and not all are.

I've been there, done that, too. It's very tiring and discouraging.

1. change your attitude about your husband. Be grateful for who he is and what he does for the family. Stop looking at these faults. Stop telling him how to do things and when. No, no, no!

2. Find ways to get rest and breaks without relying on your hubby. Get together with a girlfriend or something and hire a babysitter if your husband is busy.

3. Don't feel sorry for yourself or mad at your husband when you are tired or overwhelmed. See number 1 and number 2.

4. Giving your husband lists, telling him how hard your life is, lecturing him, having little talks with him, going on strike, etc, may "work", BUT your husband will resent you, feel like you are his mother, or ball and chain. Men need to feel appreciated and in charge, not lectured at, whined at, given lists. Think about how you would feel if your husband thought you didn't appreciate or help him enough and did any of those tactics on you. They may work, but how would you feel about your husband?
Hugs,

Marci

I know how you feel and for me its been a battle. It takes a lot of time, energy and patients to try and get your husband to understand how you feel. My husband has been laid off since Oct and I had to go back to work to supplement our income and he has gotten a new perspective of what it is like for me to take care of everything. But before his realization of how much work it is I had the same struggle as you are having now. What I told my husband many times is that I don't mind you playing on the computer but do it after the kids are in bed. As a SAHM you are working too and a much harder job than they are. I could say more but the point is that as parents you need to work together and communication is huge. One thing that helps is to give him options. He can play with the kids while you cook dinner or he can cook dinner. He can give the kids a bath or do the dishes. The computer is off limits till the kids are taken care of and put to bed. On the weekend designate who gets to sleep in which day. Sat his day and Sun is your day. Try to plan the weekend before hand so that you each get time for yourself and try putting in sometime together. Check out this book, The 5 Love Languages. It gives some good info on communication and meeting the needs of each other.
I hope that helps.
A.

I know 100% what your talking about, my husband works full time, which causes him to travel, plus he goes to school part time, mostly online. But when he wasnt at school or working. He was running around with friends, and family. Which I dont have a problem with. But we have three kids and same as you, I want/need help. My husband almost left me when I did this one. I called his friends and told them he wasnt meeting them at the bar that night becuase he was staying home to help me with our kids. After hubby calmed down I had a heart to heart talk with him. And now he helps me more, as I do have to tell him what to do, and he refuses to give the baby a bath, but he does bath the other two. He also plays a little more with the baby and such. So you might want to try and sit down and tell him what you go through in a day. Your job is just as hard if not harder then his. Depending on what he does. Yours also doesnt end at the end of the day. your on duty 24/7. And he needs to understand that. I wish you all the luck in the world.

If there is any way to put him in your shoes for at least a day, that would be the best remedy, and yea, I know he might not do it like you do, but maybe if he were left with her all day and all the other responsibilites that go with being at home, maybe he'd have more sympathy. I don't know. My husband was the stay at home dad for 3 years, and I have to say I think I'm the better one at that role, I definitely get more done around the house, and of course I don't play video games, like he has done (but he is getting better). But because of that, he understands that I need help when I get home. I actually don't mind the housework and cooking so much, just so long as he is willing to play with the kids, and actually play with them while I do it. Housework can actually be a relief from the demands of a 3 year old and a 19 month old. I also have told him that I don't want him playing video games while the kids are awake, and it has taken him awhile, not because he hasn't agreed with me, he has always whole heartedly agreed with me, but because it is just too much of a temptation. He is finally developing better habits with that, of his own free-will, so sometimes, I guess it just takes patience and waiting it out. But I can definitely understand your frustration. I at least had the advantage that my husband agreed with me, even if he didn't always follow through.

ask for the specifics of what you want
if he won't work with you on it, make very specific lists of how to do things and go on strike.
(I didn't have my daughter when I did this so I didn't need specific lists because if he ate or not whatever but the kids have to eat...but you could do a strike on all things except the feeding of the child)
I told my husband if you don't help out more I'm going to go on strike so you can see what I really do around here. he used to huff when he came in the house and it wasn't vacuumed...
(roll eyes here)
so I did.
best 2 weeks of training in our marriage.
I learned that I can stop and let go when enough is enough, and he learned how hard being the stay at home really is and oh, I don't get off at 4 pm.
(or whatever the time is)
I've encouraged a few friends in this and it has worked for all of us so far. each getting the results we wanted...and then some usually.
my husband does the laundry before I ever have a chance to get to it. if something needs to be done he just does it.
its nice.
and he can bathe our daughter by himself has been able to since day one. when he got back from his deployment he asked for help with really easy child tasks and I just looked at him and said I did this by myself for the past 6 months, I'm sure you can figure it out. and you know what? he did.
just because I stay home doesn't mean I'm not working.
I also (when on strike) made up a list of the daily chores I did, the weekly etc. and the cost it would take to hire someone to do them changing rates of course for after hour work and overtime and holidays...and at the bottom put you are getting a good deal, you really can't afford my services.
he now always tells people that his wife's check is what pays all the bills...they say I thought she stays home, she does he says...I work so I can pay her salary for all the work she does so she has to be the one to take care of the bills.
and I have to say, I never get tired of hearing him say that either.