My toddler is quite big for his age (almost off the charts in both height and weight). He's a big boy, though not fat beyond the normal fat of a 20 month old. My husband and all the men in his family are very tall and athletic, as are my father and brother. We eat very, very well–almost 100% organic produce, lots of whole grains. We eat almost no processed foods, though we do eat meat and dairy products.
We have some good friends with a son who is about 9 months older than our son. The whole family happens to be vegan. I fully support them in their lifestyle and have never said a word about it. It's not that big of a deal to me. In my opinion, there are many ways to eat well (can't say that they feel the same way though). Their son is extremely small for his age, and they are very sensitive about it. While we have never commented on their son's size, they bring up our little boy's size constantly. They even refer to him as fat. It's starting to get pretty disturbing, especially since our little boy can understand quite a bit these days. It seems that they're starting to feel a little insecure about their son, and are using my child to make themselves feel better. Am I reading too much into this? As I said, they are very sensitive when people comment on their own child's size, so I'm not sure how to address this.
OK, saw them this weekend and of course my son's size came up. The kids were playing in another room so that was good. The gist of what I told them was that I've noticed they mention his size and weight every time we hang out. I then told them that we have tall genes on both sides of the family, the doctor says he's healthy, and that I put a lot of effort into making nutritious food for may family, so it really hurts to hear them say that my little boy is fat. I also mentioned that we try not to draw attention to size–either his own or his friends–because we don't want him to judge others (or himself) based on appearances. They actually apologized! Though they did of course say that they think baby fat is a great thing and they never meant to insult anyone. In any case, I would be surprised if it comes up again.
Thanks to everyone who replied to this post. I'm clearly not the best when it comes to confrontation, but reading through these responses, I realized that by not saying anything it was almost like I was agreeing with them.
Please dont refer to my son as fat. He is not fat and I dont want him hearing you say that. Thank you. :)
Yep, just go with Kelly S's advice-simple, direct. But be prepared. Some people don't like being told to muzzle their rudeness and they may get pissy about the whole thing.
Next time they comment about your sons size, I would just tell them please don't comment about our son, we don't comment to you, about your son, so we would like the same in return.
Someone who calls you baby fat is not a friend. I would respond with, "I thought I just heard you call my baby fat? Obviously I misheard you because I know you would never say something so hurtful not to mention inaccurate."
"hey! Quit callin' my son fat!"
'nough said.
L.
I would go a step further than some suggest, and ask her privately to stop making comments about your son's size in front of him, period. How would she like it if you started calling her precious,"Runt"? She is NOT your "good friend" if she is constantly sniping at you through your son. I honestly can't imagine acting like that with my friends' kids. I love them and try to interact with them like I would my own. Criticizing a toddler for his build is like criticizing him for having blue eyes---not helpful in any sense.
My two boys were enormous! i LOVE fat babies, they are the BEST!
in my home we use the words fat, fatty, fatso, chunker, chubby-bums, chubbykins, chubalub as endearing terms! because babies are supposed to be chubby and fat (not obese) if a child is skinny and small it means they arent eating enough! my girls were both very picky eaters! they hated meat and wouldnt touch it (my boys only wanted meat, lol i made them eat other things though) they were super small and kinda skinny.
my oldest boy was in the 95th for height and over the top for weight until he was 3, then he started to slim down as he grew taller, he is now a very fit and healthy and pretty tall 8 yr old boy. My second boy was 50th in height and weight until he was 2, then he was 75 in weight and 25th in height.
every time i went to the nutritionist they told me my girls were under weight at age 1 and 2 and they need to eat more fatty foods like dairy products and meat! eventually they would eat well and finally bulked up a little and evened out by age 4.
it makes me so sad to hear when a family is forcing their child to have a vegan diet. i knew plenty of families with healthy children that were vegetarian, i was a vegetarian when i had my second child (first daughter) but vegan-ism is not good for small children who are growing and developing, even if its done "right".
Dont get me wrong, if i could i would totally have tried the vegan thing, its completely fine for adults if done right, because adults are NOT still growing and developing their bodies and brains. They aren't in dyer need of the nutrition from dairy and meat products like children are.
Quite honestly it sounds like your friends know they aren't feeding their son right and are a bit ashamed and don't know what to do about it.
Fat Babies rule and they are obviously jealous of yours. Next time they say your baby is fat you say "DAMN straight hes fat! and we are proud of it, because he is getting all the nutrients he needs to grow up and be strong and healthy like his parents!"
the first five years are the most important for nutrition and development.
ps there was a person who mentioned that the childs size is all genetics and that is wrong, its about genetics and diet. everything that has to do with your body is half given to you and half obtained, including mental things like personality and physical things like disease.
Morning--
I think you deal with it head on. Tell her your doctor says your son is healthy and strong and is not worried about. Tell her that you do not want your son to have a complex about his size, anymore then she wants her son to have a complex about his size, and you would appreciate it if she didn't mention it anymore. Of course, watch your tone, as you don't want to put her on the defensive, but it's totally within your rights to set that boundary with her.
J.
I'm with Kelly S. on this one. You need to be direct with them about keeping their comments to themselves. We all have different parenting styles, different kids, let's respect each other's choices and not judge or criticize. If you keep letting it go, either your son is going to be hurt by the comments or you and your husband might blow, and the outcome will not be so civil. If they laugh it off when you say something about it, let them, but be very clear it is to stop. Sorry you have to deal with this. : (
1) You tell them to stop it.
2) My kids are big as well.... from birth... and have always been in the 95th-97th percentiles. But they are not 'fat.' They are very lean and solid and tall and according to the Doctor, are very healthy. We are not junk eaters.
My kids... are taller than other kids their age. No biggie.
3) Your friends, have a hang-up..... which they are displacing onto you. Or, upon anyone else who has a bigger kid than they do. THEY are insecure about it.
4) You teach your son... that this is not proper.... to 'tease' him about it. Teach your son... that HE is fine... but other people are not always nice... about what they say. Do not take is personally.
5) If that were me.... and my so called 'friends' were acting like that and saying those things in FRONT of my child.... I would stop them in their tracks, right there.
Your child... ALSO needs to see you do this... How to stand up to "teasers" and to stand up to people who wrong you. A child... needs to see their parent do things like this... because that is how they learn.
SO.... you either stand up to them, diplomatically... or you don't... and your child will 'learn' vicariously... that people can hurt others and bully/tease you/him... and nothing can be done and you are a doormat... or that you CAN do something, and speak up to people... who are rude/mean/bullies/inappropriate. Kids... need to learn this and SEE their parents doing it to... or even just to protect them.
all the best,
Susan
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You say they are vegan, so just a quick google search on medical websites and such shows that children raised vegan have a tendency to be small, really small, like failure to thrive small and have lifelong health issues. I am sure they are really insecure about his size because though he is growing, some part of them knows that vegan is really not healthy for a growing body (point to one culture that is vegan and has been for several hundred generations. There are none, while we do have several cultures that are vegetarian like those in India. Ever wonder why that is?). Personally I think you will have to be offensive for them to stop.
You have a lot of responses here already, but I am going to add mine in!
These people are NOT your friends. Friends do not behave that way. They are more selfish and emotionally invested in their own personal lifestyle choice, than in being kind, supportive people. You don't need 'friends' like that.
I say this because our family is similar to yours- we eat healthy food, organics, etc. but do eat meat and dairy. We have some good friends who are strict vegetarians and I can tell you, they would NEVER have behaved that way towards us or my son.
Just because people are trying to be healthy or eat in a way they feel is better for the planet doesn't mean they are above a little sniping and competitive parenting. Once you have kids, this aspect of people can come out of your old friends and it can be very disturbing. But you do NOT NEED IT.
Have a serious sit-down conversation with these people, no matter how awkward you feel. Say to them just what you said above in your question. It may be that they are concerned deep down about their own son's size or that they simply did not realize they were commenting on your child that way. But whether they are embarrassed and apologize or get huffy and walk out- the behavior needs to end or you need to seriously consider ending their 'friendship'.Good luck!
I think before I distance my self from these rude people I would really try to get then to see how wrong they are, for their son's sake. If they continue to make negative comments about children who are larger than their son, and probably children who eat fast food, and children who eat candy etc etc then they are going to isolate their son from pretty much everyone and ensure he has no friends. How sad for this poor child!
I also don't understand their feeling that their son is healthy, my pediatrician said it was very important for me to keep my son's weight up as very young children need fat to develop their brains. If they continue their incorrect and hurtful comments PLEASE tell them why you need to break away from this friendship, in the hopes they will learn from their mistake because I really think they are going to create a friendless child.
LOVE Sara R's response "that's right my toddler's big and HEALTHY and getting all the fat he needs to have a smart brain, are you worried about your son's failure to grow?"
Vegans have a belief system and they like to "share" what they think is the perfect way to eat. Vegans are very different from vegetarians. Being a Vegan is almost like a religion so it is important to them to share what they know with others.
Vegetarians still eat eggs and drink milk and use other products made from animals SO they arent near as extreme as a Vegan.
My DIL is vegan and has converted my son and has raised my granddaughter on a vegan diet. My granddaughter is NOT scrawny by any means. So, since your friends son is tiny and yours isn't does not have a think to do with the way you are feeding... its all genetics.
She's your good friend right? You should be able to call her on the issue if it's bugging you, that's what good friends CAN do with each other without fear of losing the friendship. Just tell her you find it interesting that she has to compare your children that way. Take her to the park and let her see all the different sized children for cryin out loud. Sounds to me like she lacks in conversational skills and resorts to yacking about stupid stuff..... maybe she's not that great of a friend afterall. You will find that after you have kids a lot of things change, friends included. You grow out of or away from some of them and make new ones in their place.
As a vegetarian with skinny(although tall and healthy children) i think their behavior is terrible. Im of the opinion that its ok to call a baby fat, since babies are supposed to be, its not ok to call a toddler fat, one who might be understanding the word and its negative connotations. I would bring them aside and say how you feel about it.(if they slough it off) Tell them its akin to calling their son a "runt" over and over again. Honesty is best here.
grandma t!!, u are so right about the distinction between vegetarian and vegan. Im so often confused for a vegan, and i have vegan friends. Now yes, im very vocal about my choice and why but i never let it spill over to downgrade others choices.
I agree, that if they are "good friends" you can just tell them you have noticed they tend to make a lot of negative type comments about your sons size.
Let them know based on you and your husbands family history, this is considered normal in your families and your pediatrician is fine with his size.
Remind them, just as their son may seem small to some people he is perfect in their family. So to please no longer make comments about your sons appearance.
FYI, We have a few neighbors that their children were extremely large or extremely small and yet, now when you see theses kids 16 and up.. they all evened out.. One of the largest girls on our block as a baby, is now the shortest 5'5 (taller than me) and most active of ALL of the kids.. She is very fit..
Sounds like your family is very healthy and your son is in perfect health. There have been cases where toddlers on a vegan-only diet have been seriously undernourished. Animal fats & proteins and dairy are necessary for brain development, organ development, and overall growth. And finding vegan substitutes for animal proteins and dairy is not easy...nor can you generally get a toddler to consume as much as they would need to substitute for those essential fats and proteins.
Anyway if they are comfortable with their choices their child's nutrition, that's their business...but there is no cause for them to call your son fat. That's just RUDE. And he's a toddler - you're right it sounds like they are really sensitive about their son's size and are projecting that onto your son to make themselves feel better somehow. Anyway what I would do is to take the approach you mentioned above about how your son is at the age where he's starting to listen to and understand what people around him are saying. And that he's going to hear them saying he's fat and you'd prefer they didn't say it anymore because he's going to start thinking he is fat. If you say something like that, I would bet the comments stop altogether.
I'd come right out and ask them why they feel the need to comment on your son in such a manner.
Yep, sounds like they are looking for you to say something complimentary. I have vegans in my family and some of them have chubby babies... so it has nothing to do with the food thing. I would just blow it off. If you are not feeling insecure about your sons health DONT worry about it. Vegans are more into "saving the animals and the fish", that's why they will continue to dog you about eating meat and meat byproducts.
Kids come in all shapes and sizes and vegans have to work VERY hard to make sure they eat enough protein. They do like to look down their nose at meat eaters but I'm sure its because of their mindset.
Like I said earlier if you think your son is fine dont let her jabs piss you off. Just change the subject. Her kid is little and yours is bigger, this will all equal out later.
It doesn't matter if you are being sensitive or not, it bothers you so that should be enough reason to address it. You do not have to be confrontational just say something in a nice tone that you are concerned that their comments are going to upset your son down the line. You understand that he is a big boy but it isn't because he isn't vegan it is who he is. That would be like you saying to their child "How are you ever going to play football you are wayyyyy to skinny!! Maybe, you should then they would get the hint. Sorry I couldn't help myself lol!! It is hard to ignore ignorance sometimes I get that but I would find it difficult to be around people who annoyed me. Sometimes people do not even realize they have gone too far. I think if they are good friends they would understand.
I agree to call them on it. If they are sensitive to their son's size that doesn't give them the right to tear down another baby. Their issues about their son are theirs to address.
I would be blunt, "I realize you are sensitive that your son is smaller, but that doesn't mean my son is unhealthy or that you get to comment negatively on his size. If you cannot keep those "fat" comments to yourselves, we will have to limit your interactions with our son to prevent you from hurting his self-esteem."
Or something.
Next time they say it, or maybe pull them aside when it's not being said,
keep your tone very friendly, with a smile. Be sure to say "we" and "our" once or twice so they realize both you and your husband know they do it:
"Hey, I have something to tell you that we have noticed, I hope you're not going to take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to be over sensitive, but we don't want anyone causing any unnecessary insecurity in Junior because he's SO HUGE (admit to his being big so they don't think you're in denial, the more open and frank you are the more they look like knobs). Anyway, I know you may not even realize it, but sometimes you guys mention that he is fat or big." (Pause here while they deny they've ever said such a thing-or didn't mean anything- and be prepared to give a specific true instance or two and then add), "See I knew you didn't even realize it and it's so not a big deal that's why I wanted to mention it, it's our own sensitivity totally". and don't forget: "I know you don't like it when people comment on your son's size" or "Maybe you wouldn't mind if people commented on your son's size, but we're just sensitive that way." - depending on how you know they are sensitive about it, and what would make the best impact.
This points out that you guys never say that, and hopefully strikes a nerve. Don't be scared, saying this to them is not nearly as rude as their comments about your son.
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not all vegans are this rude, i assure you. i am vegetarian and would never do this to anyone, much less a friend. this is a rudeness issue, not a vegan issue. be direct and tell them to cut it out or you will hang out with them less. if they choose to continue rudeness, why consider them friends?
Be direct - if he is at a healthy height/weight according to his pediatrician, then ASK them to stop calling him fat, telll them that he is within the healthy range, and that they are being hurtful with their comments. If they don't stop, they aren't good friends.
i don't think you're reading too much into it at all. it's not okay for friends to say mean things about your little guy.
i would not reciprocate in kind. since these are friends and you want to preserve the relationship i would say simply but definitively to them (when the kids are not around) that you would appreciate them not making negative comments about your son. don't even add 'in his hearing.' they shouldn't be making these remarks in YOUR hearing.
don't explain or justify. there is no need. if they are truly nice people and your friends, they'll understand and desist. if they get shirty or continue, you'll have some insight into their character and can decide whether or not to continue the relationship at that point.
honestly, they probably are just being *cute* and only slightly barbed in their own minds, and haven't really considered how it sounds from yours. a gentle wake up call should suffice.
khairete
S.
No, you're not reading too much into it. They are insecure and rude.
I think you're going to have to be direct. "Please stop referring to my son as fat. It's really annoying, as well as incorrect."
If you're really pissed off, you could add: "If you feel your son is too small, you could try feeding him more." But you're probably too nice to say that. :)
I would tell them that although your son and theirs are at opposite ends of the normal spectrum, they are both normal. Tell them that it is upsetting to you that they feel the need to judge your child when you do not judge theirs.
My son was very chubby as an infant. He gained a lb a week through 3 months and was 95% and above on the charts for a long time. He was 19 lbs at 3 months but then 20 lbs at 6 months, 22 lbs at 8 months and then stayed there. He leveled off and has always been at a healthy weight. My daughter didn't grow as fast but grew steady. She ended up weighing about the same as my son by 1 year (she just didn't reach it as quick). My point is that kids tend to level out so as long as they are healthy there shouldnt' be anything to worry about. Explain that to her.
I saw you're question was already resolved but I wanted to say, kudos to how you handled that, absolutely perfect.
Rude is rude.
My oldest son is naturally very thin. He is strong and healthy and eats a very healthy diet and A LOT of it. My husband is vegan and as a family we restrict dairy and red meat for health reasons (family cancer history) although my boys occasionally eat red meat and drink milk (regular and soy). I have in the past received comments about how thin my boys are and at times have been concerned myself (I can count his ribs from the back). The thing is that many people in my family are built like this. That is just genes. Whether a child is being called fat or skinny is not a good thing, especially for a toddler. Children go through growth spurts. As long as they are active and eat a healthy diet, no one should be commenting on their bodies . I would not mention their child or their concerns. I would just say something like his doctor monitors his health and weight and it is perfectly fine. BTW, I do know a family that had to add dairy and meat to their diet because their child was not gaining weight, so that can happen. Still, I know other folks whose children are completely fine on a vegan diet.
Just making sure I get this right...
They don't like it when people comment on how small their son is, but it's ok for them to call your son 'fat'.
Hmmm, they don't sound like very good friends to me. Next time they say your son is fat, big or whatever, tell them he is very healthy and hes not fat. And that maaybe they should take their kid to the doctor to make sure he is growing properly.
My daughter is very small for her age (20 months), and when people comment on it, it makes me mad. Every child is different. There is no one child that is the same. As long as your son is healthy (which it sounds like he is) tell them to mind their own business and worry about their family and not yours.
Sorry, it's just really annoying how some people can be and say!!
As a knee jerk reaction I probably would have said "well compared to your small child I guess he does look fat" But that's mean and doesn't solve the situation. I think your instincts are right and they are self conscious of their childs smallness. Since your son will understand what they are saying, you don't need him to have a future issue with his body perception, I would just say "in both mine and hubby's family the kids are juicy and they all grow up to be strong athletic people, each kid is different", she should get the hint.
This is one is easy. You tell your " friend" to keep her comments when she is around you and your son to herself. Period.
Glad you said somethiing. I can identify with you. Not so much with friends
and family. They all knew even the women were six feet tall. At one year,
in grocery store. Daughter in stroller. Stranger "why doesn't it talk". I say
because she is 1 year old. Stranger: "OMG how can a one year old be
that big." She was 35 inches tall and 21 lbs. People should just zip it.
Your friends probably did not realize how you felt and really did not mean
any harm. Hopefully you will have years of good memories with them.
glad you were able to talk with them and hope it gets better. The one thing i thought is that maybe they are a little envious that your boy "is bigger" and their comments although said very rudely are actually out of worry for their son not being "big enough".
It does make me sad to read a lot of the comments about vegans from this question. My family and my children are vegan and I have been teaching them not to judge others for what they eat (although sounds like many others are judging vegan's for what they eat). many of the generalizations about vegan's on the comments you received really are a shame.
Well done! Some people just comment on weight, appetite, baby fat etc without meaning any malice -- my SIL does -- but you did a great job dealing with it without upsetting anyone.
I would definitely say something to them about how it's inappropriate to call your son fat. He isn't fat. He's proportional. I'd call them on their bad manners.
All my girls were in the 90th percentile height/90th percentile weight range when they were toddlers. They weren't "fat" - they were big girls! They are still tall, but have "thinned" out as they have grown.
Your son is active and eats a healthy variety of foods - that's all that's important.
First of all, I think you've been patient. Why is it acceptable for them to be sensitive about their son's size, but for you to sit there and listen to them comment on your son's size? I think I would very simply say "our pediatrician assures us he's healthy and we don't comment on other people's sizes or appearances in our house. " Good luck.
sheesh! These are grown ups! They should know that those sorts of things can hurt. Maybe just say something like "we dont call each other names in this house" or something.
You really need to tell them that you would appreciate if they would stop commenting on the size of your son, and that if they cannot do so, then you will have to stop hanging out with them. Be as nice and tactful as you can. If it's too hard to tell them face to face, email them. Your son is your top priority and you cannot let people start to cut him down, especially at this age. He should not be self conscious. It shouldn't matter if your son was just extremely chunky for his age and height. No one should ever make those comments.
In the mean time, make sure you are consistently telling your son how handsome and perfect he is. Although i'm sure you already do :)
Glad you said something too. That is extremely rude.
@patty k: Wow! I just can't believe people are so rude, why can't IT talk? You are so nice because if that were me I'd be pretty snippy, personally because I can't stand people who are rude about children... like, dern did you ever learn manners. Like yeah, she is tall but that is definitely NOT a bad thing at all.
I love what your response was A., saying you don't want him to judge others. That was a really good response I think.
Tell them the next time their son comes over to play your having steak for dinner!LOL, no seriously you need to just be lovingly honest with your friends and that you don't say anything about the size of their son and that genetically your son is just big-not much they can say to that if your feeding your son good healthy things-to each his own and they should just mind their business. :)
Late comment here - one of my sons is very small (because of a medical condition).
I use the phrase "people come in ALL sizes" a lot (when people comment, when he says something about his friends being bigger, and so on...)
I am glad your friends turned out to REALLY be friends, but it's a handy phrase nonetheless.
I second what people say below, I would HIGHLY recommend not drawing their son's size into the discussion. That's just starting a fight and distracting from the real issue. If you want this to be a discussion of what causes them to say such things, then ask. Better for them to say "Well our precious snowflake is so cute and petit" than for you to say "My kid isn't big, yours is malnourished". It could turn out that they have some other root cause altogether. Maybe they've been taking a lot of flack about diet/lifestyle, and your catching the fallout.
But yes, regardless of the reasons why, you pretty much have to take a stand that it's not ok to insult your child or make him feel bad about himself. And don't let anyone tell you he doesn't REALLY understand what's going on. They "get it" a lot earlier than we give them credit for.
