How to Deal with the "Ex/my Son's Mom" Situation

The problem is mostly your DH I think. (I have a slightly similar situation, except my husband is very strong and knows how to say no and set boundaries.) He's the one who has to grow a backbone.

Though I don't know how you can change your husband if this is the way he is. This is horrible to say but you don't want to create another divorced family (my way or the highway) do you? You knew he was divorced and had an ex. You made a vow "for better or for worse." Your new baby deserves live with his dad.

There are books to read like the ones listed on this site.
http://www.gooddivorcebooks.com/

It's horrible the ex is inflicting psychological warfare on her own child, but exes (of both sexes) do that. It's a sadly, horrible common and immature thing that some adults do.

Many people have travelled this path. You are not alone, so find books that may help.

Dear D.,
It sounds as if you have a very busy household, with four children. I can completely understand how these "games" with the ex can cause such irratation. How long have you the two of you been married? Did you get married and get pregnant right away? I have read many books, and they say it takes 2-3
years to "gel" together and work out the kinks of all the drama. If you have a new baby too, I am sure that can cause it to be even more dramatic.

It sounds as if (the ex) she has not moved on and wants to create some chaos, and the best thing you two can do, is to not allow that. First of all, if she wants you take your husband's kid (your stepson)on a certain day that is typically hers, take him. It is your husband's son, now your stepson. It can be inconvenient, but unless you are going out of town, I would just take him so you both have time with him. I am sure in due time she will reciprocate, once she gets over this hurdle (her ex remarrying and having a baby.) Be the bigger person and take your stepson out to find a costume or have your husband do it. As for the kid calling you step-mommy as opposed to mom, I think there is alternative. You could have him call you buy your name. I am in a blended family too and my stepkids call me by my first name. My husband wanted them to call me "smom" but I think they felt like they were being disloyal to their mother. I think that is what is going on here with her too. Of course, you have known him since age 1 but I think she wants to be his "only" mom and that's ok. I would not take it personally. It is her only child.

The other things here-you need to sit down with your husband and create some boundaries. Her emailing, calling and texting all the time is unacceptable. If you need to, get a therapist invovled. If he receives a phone callor text from her that is
urgent (like the son has 104 temp and is going to the hospital) or time-sensitive, meaning that SHE was suppose to
pick the son from his basketball game and drop him off at your house, but the game is going in another quarter so she may be 1/2 hour late in dropping him off at your house, that's ok to call and inform you and your husband. Other than that, getting a tutor for school, summer camp, other things such as parent-teacher school night, Xmas vacations can all be done via email. Like I said, unless it is time-sensitive or urgent, there really is no other reason. He should not respond to other things such as "hi I am texting you since I just thought of you today.." or anything like that. If he doesn't stand up to her, he will stand a chance to lose you. You need to remind him that he needs to live in the prescence, not in some guilt-ridden divorced parent phase. I would definitely limit the amount of energy you spend on focusing on her. YOu have a newborn, and kids. Just realy sit your hubby down and talk to him about this. Do not let this destroy your marriage and your newborn's family.

I am a mom and stepmom myself, and can completely understand. Please Private Message me if you like!!

Have you guys tried couples therapy? Sounds to me like it would help to develop better techniques for making your needs known and respected.

This woman sounds like a total shrew! I'd get a really good attorney and figure out your rights. If necessary, go back to the court and modify your agreement. Her involvement in your family has to stop. I sure feel sorry for this little boy - he may be stuck with her but that's no reason for her to be intruding into the rest of your life. Good luck!

I advise you to not do things to her you would not want somebody to do to you. sounds like you love this kid, and having him extra days is nice, problem is you dont want to do anything that benefits her with out a fight... knock it off :) you ar bigger than that

you walked into a complicated situation, expect it to continue, unless time works out the unfriendly situation between you.

she is not going to respond well to boundreis... would you ? it is not human nature

I couldn't be married to a man who doesn't put me first - you must put each other first (husband and wife) even before the kids. It's like that scenario on an airplane that is going to crash and the oxygen masks come down - if you have a child with you on that airplane then you, the parent, must put on your mask first and THEN put on your childs', because if you faint from lack of oxygen who will take care of your child? It's like that for moms and dads - if you don't put each other first (your relationship) then who will take care of the children? Your relationship will fall apart and you will have a broken home for your children, they won't get taken care of properly (divorce is devastating to kids). So, this isn't a problem between your husband and his ex, it's a problem between you and your husband - he's not willing to put you first? Maybe you married the wrong man? Or, better yet, why do you feel you deserve this kind of relationship, one where your husband doesn't put you first? Also, do you put your husband first? You should examine that and then have a very serious talk with your husband. If your husband is willing to fix YOUR relationship with him, and start putting you first, then the other stuff will naturally be fixed as well and the ex won't matter one bit.

I think it's very important for all party's to get along with one another for your children's sake. As your step son gets older it will only get harder, If your step son knows your all friends and have the same rules everything will work out better believe me!~ It takes a lot to get to this point but really it's not the little boys fault and we are the adults in this situation. I actually think it works out a lot better once everyone gets along with one another it wont put pressure on the child. Good luck.