Hi Moms,
I see a therapist. I started last June at a difficult time in my life & marriage, and I feel that I've gained a lot of insight into myself, my relationships, my communication, etc. I'm doing well. My therapist is a counselor & social worker, not a psychologist or psychiatrist. I've gone to her anywhere from once a week to once every 2 or 3 weeks. When I go now, I'm going because I have an appointment, not because I have anything in particular I'm trying to work out. A year ago, I can honestly say that I didn't know how or who to talk to when things bothered me, but now I talk to several close friends about a variety of things. I don't feel I'm bottling anything up, and my husband and I talk frequently and have a better marriage than ever. It's also starting to get expensive, and I'd like to cut it. In the last few sessions, I feel that my therapist and I have hit a wall...we're almost having conflict with EACH OTHER in the sessions. For instance, I was really just venting, and told her I wasn't looking for a solution. When she offered one, I said, "Oh, I'm really just venting. I'll handle it." She said, and I do quote, "Well, I walked right into that. Clearly you're not here to accept my help!" I was feeling pretty at ease and comfortable with her until some of her comments lately. I also feel like she has been prodding me a bit lately, for example, if there's nothing to talk about, she brings up something about my mom or my husband or my kid with anxiety that she knows has really bothered me in our past sessions (not very recent past, though). If the last several sessions didn't feel so increasingly awkward to me, I think I'd simply tell her that I'm doing well, I think I'm at a breaking point, and I will call her if I would like to schedule a future appointment. That probably is enough to say still, but does anyone have any thoughts on ending this? In a way, it's like breaking off an important relationship with someone, and I've never been in this situation before. Thanks in advance to anyone willing to share their experience with me!
Thank you, everyone, for your kind, relevant, and thoughtful replies. I have never thought that my therapist was after my money or trying to keep me on as a client for financial gain. I believe her intentions have been professional yet friendly. There were a few times when I simply made her laugh and she'd made comments like "sorry, I need to flip my professional switch on again" or when she actually gave me glimpses into her own life, and I realize that regardless of her degree, background, or experience, she is also a thinking, feeling person. I also do feel that while she is a professional whom I pay for services, we have built an important client/therapist relationship over the course of 11 months. That relationship was built, I believe, on trust and respect, and I didn't ever intend to up & walk away, be passive, or indirect. I discussed my decision to end therapy with her today. I told her that I do feel like I've gained a lot of insight into my own life and I thank her for her guidance and support through difficult times. I really can't thank her enough because she gave me permission to help myself and make changes, and I have done that. I do feel comfortable in the progress I've made, and I won't hesitate to call her in the future if I feel the need. After listening to me, she said she feels that I made an enormous amount of progress and she feels like we are at a natural stopping point. She feels that the therapy was a success, and I agree. She wished me luck, and I will miss her, but I've learned plenty to carry on by myself from here.
I agree with Tracey H. When my clients are doing well they just tell me they don't want another appointment and if they do they will contact me. Actually makes me happy, it means that I was able to help! Next!
So do what you feel is right for you. You always have the choice to come back when you need.
Glad you are doing better!
As a therapist, I would appreciate the conversation and the opportunity to say goodbye. On varying levels, I love and enjoy my clients and healthy goodbyes are what we are supposed to be about. Ethically, I don't hold on to clients for financial reason, but that is not to say that it hasn't been done. At this point, your wanting to discontinue is the elephant in the room. I would bring it up, listen to her objections, if there are any, and then go with what you know to be true for you. It is an important relationship and each relationship evolves or ends. Best to you!
Jen
I went to counseling through half of high school till mid college (about 4 years). After a few sessions, like you had recently, feeling like there was really nothing to talk about but went anyway. I finally said during one of my sessions, ended up being my last session, that I feel there is no reason to keep coming. The counselor said he agreed because I seem to be in a good place but to call the office if I ever felt the need to have a session here or there.
Sometimes I think counselors do not say "You really seem in a good place so you might not need me any more" because they know they will be losing a paying customer. I could be completely wrong but I have never know anyone, I am close with, have the counselor say 'there is no need to come any more,' it has always been the individual using the services to say I do not need to come any more.
Guess you could just cancel all the remaining appointments with whomever you arrange them with (secretary, whatever) and if they call just say you are no longer interested but will call if you do decide to have another session.
I simply told my therapist that I felt it was time to take a break for a while, that I appreciated all she did to help me, and that i would call should I feel the need again. But if you are unhappy with her and do not intend to ever see her again, just cancel your next appointment and do not make any more.
I don't know, it doesn't seem to me that you really owe any type of explanation just stop making appointments. If you really feel the need to "close the door" and are worried about it being awkward just send her a little note card thanking her for the advice that she gave you and letting her know your life is better for it. It's not like she'd doing you a favor, there is a cost involved so you shouldn't have any guilty feelings about breaking the ties.
Best,
T.
p.s.
The interaction as described above sounds like maybe she's a little overly involved. I'm not a therapist but I'd venture to say there is a far more appropriate reaction to your venting.
Hi A.,
As a Holistic Health Coach I applaud you for seeking therapy for the challenges you were facing. Whenever one seeks help it's to get to the heart of the matter(s) with resolution. It seems you've made great progress and have resolved some of your challenges. Apparently the therapist you've been seeing has definately overstepped boundaries. Sometimes one does just need to vent and not necessarily want any feedback; as Mother's we sometimes just need to be heard. The therapist's role is to LISTEN, then ask questions NOT make statement that would make you feel uncomfortable. Perhaps the time has come to finish your therapy, and since you've made progress with this individual the best thing to consider is to talk to them and let them know how you feel; just as you would your spouse. If your therapist doesn't understand your position then it may be a good idea to end your relationship. A professional should understand this and wish you well and offer to be of help in the future if need be. You are the client and pay for her (I assume) service. You are the customer and need to be happy with the service you are paying for so you shouldn't feel bad, although I understand she was being insensitive to your request of just needing to vent. I would hope she would understand how you are feeling and apologize. Then it would be up to you if you wanted to continue or realize your need for her services are no longer needed and you decide to move forward. I would hope she will respect your decision.
All the best to you.
D.
I could have asked the exact same question as I am in the same situation. I have been in therapy for 5 months now. I started right after Christmas (the holidays were hard on me) and I feel as if I have gotten just about all I can out of it. I have resolved a lot of issues, overcome some big hurdles, and I am in a better place now. My last session I was struggling to think of things to discuss. I was planning to give it one more appointment and if I felt the same way, I was going to tell her at the end that I appreciate all she has helped me with, but I feel like I want to take a break for awhile. I figure that should be good enough. Good luck and let us know how it goes!
What about starting by reducing the times you go in half and then eventually quit? If you go once a week, try going every other. If that works then cut back to once a month. You can always tell her that things came up and you're too busy to make it every week. You can tell her that the cost is getting high and you can't afford to go as often. Or you can tell her you'd like longer between sessions to see how you "handle" things on your own. Maybe if there'd more time between sessions you might have more to discuss. Or maybe you'll find that you really don't need to see her anymore.
Don't feel obligated - you pay her. But remember, that if you think you'll ever need her again you don't want to burn bridges.
Hope this helps!
If you were diagnosed with a disease and treated for several months, you would jump with joy when treatments stopped because you were well. Therapy s/be no different. Personally, I believe that social workers do not have the expertise of psychologists and tend to lack some skills, such as how to end treatments when patient is doing well. Don't get me wrong. Social workers can be good therapists. Professionally, she s/have ended sessions awhile go when you told her you were doing well. She s/have told you to call her if her help is needed again. You are not looking for girlfriend, but a professional. Be glad she gave you what you needed in a bad time. The bottom line is that you have taken control of your life and therefore do not need the therapy. Congratulations and move on! I would like to add that therapists are licensed by the state they practice in and if they are threatening or abusive or unprofessional, you have a right to complain to the state department of licensing. You also s/not be intimidated by them if you cannot afford their services. There are community based organizations that offer counseling on a sliding scale if you cannot afford help.
As a therapist, I think how you terminate is part of your therapy. Hopefully you can celebrate your successes, take a look at how the therapy helped, consider what you have left to work on and explore the actual relationship with the therapist, which is the most important part of the work in my book. Give yourself several sessions to process this. It's a loss, it's a relief, it's a success it sounds like to me.
Keep in mind that therapists often are ambivalent about closure too, and may or may not share that with clients.
Keep it simple, gracious and clear. Many relationships run their course and it sounds like this is one of them. Go in feeling (and knowing) you are on track with going on to the next chapter in your life.
As a social worker - who practices individual and family therapy, termination /ending treatment is a big part of the work. If you feel like you have gotten what you need from treatment and it's now time to move forward, then tell your therapist that. You are absolutely right, this is ending an important relationship and it's important to be collaborative with your therapist about how you want to do that. I always work with my clients on reviewing their work and how far they have come as well as helping them predict and plan for any bumps in the road in the future. I would encourage you to talk with your therapist; hopefully you've built a strong enough relationship that you feel comfortable telling her how you are feeling about this.
Good luck.
Clearly she has a problem with you breaking up and the income it provided her. While she has helped you you have also brought a steady income and she probably like all of us relies on that. some years back I went to a therapist who had me sign a paper saying that I would pay $100 a session. I ran out of insurance and told the man I was unable to afford it any more. I was getting divorced, jobless with two kids who came first. In my sessions I made the mistake of showing him financial statements I would receive some money from my husband's profit sharing and the therapist knew it. Every time I tried to quit he (very large man) became very intimidating and pounded his fists on the desk and told me I was not ready and that I was still depressed. Of course I was, I was getting divorced from someone I loved and had children to care for. I meekly stayed and foolishly unaware the contract had no ending to it, wound up paying him $3,000 desperately needed for living out of an account that would be taxed A HUGE AMOUNT.
I paid him off but learned a lesson.Listen and be aware. He had me going to group therapy sessions and another girl tried to quit and he talked her into getting a home equity loan to pay for it. He needed the money himself as he was deeply in debt. Not all of these people care about us, pay our bills or even think a whole lot about us at night. My own sister is a therapist and is one of the coldest people I know sadly and I do not know how people see her as she listens to no one. But she apparently knows her business and I have not seen her at the other end of the couch. At any rate, my advice is get out quick. This is a business arrangement, she did not marry you or sign on to be your best friend. You sound like you are doing very well, you can thank her for her time and of course if you liked her enough maybe you will go back and of course let her know you will mention her to friends. This person has apparently a fear of abandonment herself and quite probably her pocket book is getting a little empty. Good luck to you! You sound like a wonderful person. Be proud.
Well just don't make any more appointments and let her know you don't feel need to see her anymore- that you are at a different point in your life and you need to make some changes. If it is difficult, then your counselor has clearly crossed a line between personal and professional.
Though you have spoken to her about very intimate things, she is not a friend and she should understand that it is time to move on.
I have been in talk therapy at a few points in my life. My impression is that most counselors will not offer to end the relationship. It seems they want the client to verbally say he / she is ready to do without the sessions. People I've seen almost always accepted it and replied that I was free to return if I felt the need. Only once did a counselor say she did not think I was ready to end therapy. In that instance, I said "thanks for the advice, but this is what I'm going to do; I'll be in touch if anything changes." Good therapists encourage clients to be aware of what they want, and to act on it. After all, the goal should be independence, not dependence.
Hi A.. I am so sorry to hear the difficulty you're going through with your counselor. I am a Clinical Social Worker as well (like your therapist), and although I can't speak for her, I can speak as a counselor. My suggestion to you would be to have one last final session with her. Start off the session by being honest with her, like you have us. Let her know how she has helped you and that you feel like you're ready to end counseling at this time, and that you'll contact her in the future if you're having additional problems. I think that it's really important for you to have closure on this important relationship, and I know I've really appreciated when clients have been honest with me. I hope it goes well and that she will hear you and respond appropriately! Best wishes!
