How to Answer the Question of "Why Don't I Have a Daddy?"

I am a first grade teacher and sometimes when things like this happen in families the advice I give is this: Sometimes people have to go away for a long time and sometimes they don't come back, but it isn't because you or I did anything it's because they needed to care of somethings for themselves. Truth be told sometimes at that young of an age it takes repeating things over and over again until it finally registers. I hope this helps.

It is a very hard and touchy subject. I would say that she does have a daddy, that he loves her very much, etc. Then say that sometimes it's better to have dads live somewhere else because sometimes they don't don't know how to really good or great dads. That some kids have a better time growing up when they are just with their moms. I would never NEVER put down the other parent even if they are not good parents, because they are a part of the child. Keep things simple and as honest as you can. Kids understand more than we can ever know, but sometimes they act like they don't to get more answers.I wish you the Best of luck.

This is what I was told - it's definitely better than 'nothing', and in my instance it applied to both of my parents. I was raised by grandparents who didn't want to turn me against their son, and at the same time wanted me to feel secure.

So, without further ado:
Your dad was really young when you were born and he still had a lot of growing up to do, so instead of making you see him act silly and not like a grown up he went away to do his growing up and because he loves you SO MUCH he left you here with mommy because he knew/knows that mommy loves you so very much and that she will take very good care of you until daddy thinks he is grown up enough to take care of you too.

At this point, they always brought in everyone else who loves me too - aunts, uncles, etc. as well as my heavenly father who is also always there.

FTR, I was 24 years old - the same age that my father was when I was born - and a mother myself before my birth parents were grown up enough to be a mom and dad.

S.

My daughter's biological father was in the picture on & off after we left him when she was about 2 months old. He saw her a few times a year until she was 3 & hasn't seen her since.

Madison knows him by his first name, and knows that he was her "first daddy" (she considers my husband her daddy now, which he is...the one who fills all the daddy roles). She knows that he didn't want to be a daddy & that's very very sad; but it wasn't because he didn't love her or because she was "bad." It's because he was selfish & just not a very good guy.

I don't malign him to her, but I don't sugar coat it. I don't think telling a child that daddy went away on a business trip or vacation or whatever is such a great idea, as it may leave the child hoping for a return. Or totally freak her out if mommy/grandma/etc really does have to go on a business trip!

I think honesty really is the best policy. The child certainly shouldn't know all the details, infact the fewer details the better, but I'd suggest you have your friend be gently honest. And to let her daughter talk about it whenver she wants, answer her questions. Madison has her daddy, but she still asks about Ryan sometimes. And sometimes she's sad about it. It sucks, but that's the road we chose when we hooked up with guys we shouldn't have! ;)

I tell my children the truth, "daddy chose to live somewhere else." Then I explain how everybody has choices to make and that's the one he chose. Mommy will never leave and that is my choice!! They get it.
It's so hard when they ask questions, but always go with honesty in it's simplest form.
God Bless,
J.

My situation was a bit different but some things may apply. I left an abusive man when my children were 2mo and 16 mo and along with the divorce his rights were terminated. I raised my children to understand that everything in life involves a choice and that he made very poor choices.....I told them they were conceived in love and that he loved them as much as he was capable but to truly love another person you must love yourself first and he did not.....I told them that just as I put them in timeout when they made poor choices that the judge put him in lifetime timeout because of his poor choices......I never said anything against him but only his actions/choices..as they got older, I explained about choosing alcohol over family.....I never told them it was a disease because that would take the responsibility away from him where the responsibility lies (before anyone says anything - maybe the 20th drink he has no control over but taking the first one he did from the time he exited rehab)....he passed this past year from alcohol/drug overdose and my kids, now teens, finally heard about him from a relative of his (they had never met any as we were under a protective order) and she told them much worse than I ever did but essentially the same thing......my kids thanked me later for always being so honest......now they feel good about themselves, the truthfullness of their mother and about their dad........hope this helps some.........please write if she wants more details.........good luck

I don't know if the family is a family of the Christian faith, but if so, let the daughter know that she does have a Father! He is a heavenly Father that is loving, gentle, accepting, and gracious.
If the family is not of the Christian faith, then I would give give an honest and simple explanation, " Joe has a hard time dealing with some things, so he went away." Make is simple and polite enough that she can say it if a friend were to ask her.

Don't lie to her. But you can say it in such a way that doesn't put down the dad. See you want her to respect you for telling the truth, but you also want her to respect you for not putting down the Dad in you process of explaining. Let her know that his reason for leaving was not due to anything that she did, but everything to do what the father was or was not feeling. You are her source of what a real woman is and you want to give her a good impression of a good woman. She will figure out how she feels about her Dad not being there on her own, and he will have to answer to her for that. Let her know that you have no idea why her Dad feels the way he does because honesty you don't becaus you aren't him, but let her know that no matter what he is feeling you don't feel that way and you will aways be there for her.

Good Luck.

Just don't lie.. the best answer I found was this one- I did not use the word daddy, I said something along the lines of "your father-- his name-- decided to live somewhere else. All it takes to have a family is love, and we have that." Intrestingly enough it was the older married couples in the family who brought the single parent status to my childrens attention.It was this huge issue to them and in trying to help they just magnified the situation. One child was affected, my oldest,and one just had no issues- my youngest. Just be matter of fact. Kids know when there is nothing to talk about. You don't have to be negative, but you had just better not lie. If the man is not safe, then he is not safe. Say so. Make sure some comapssion shows. Most of the time we were too busy for this to be a big issue. My advice, tell the truth and then move on with the real business of living. I remarried, my children watched me work on my relationships and they had to work on their relationships with my spouse. Gotta tell you, looking back, all we needed was love for each other, and we still have that.
God bless.

All I can say is it would not be good to say anything mean, about the MIA father, it will always cause anger in the child as she grows up. If your friend is spiritual, you can always whip out the bible, and explain to her she does have a father, up in heaven, and he will be there for her whenever and where ever she is.

I absolutely agree with Carla.
I am a single mom of an amazing 9 yr old boy who's dad only comes around every couple of years, and he basically makes trouble and then disappears again.
The only thing I would add to what Carla said is that as she gets older and presses more for why he doesn't come, the best answer I've found is, "You're Daddy loves you, he just sometimes makes bad choices"
It makes a difference to children to know that their parent's love them and aren't bad people, even if they aren't good parents. I make it a point never to say anything bad about my son's father around him. His father is a part of him and I never want him to feel like a part of him is "bad" or that he can't talk to me about his feelings for his father.
Also, kid's know who loves them and who cares for them. If you just be the best family you can be, they will feel that and they will overcome the situation.

Always be honest and open to her questions. Don't make her feel that it's taboo or anything or she will pick up on it and that's when troubles will start for her and her Mom.
Also keep in mind that 4 year old children understand a lot. Don't treat her as a baby ("to go bye bye" sounds very baby talk to me). She can understand very complexe issues with simple explanations.

Good luck and all the best
(from an ex fatherless girl who had to endure complete silence about her father)

I would be very honest with the child, but at her age level. Perhaps telling her that some little girls have a mommy and other little girls have a mommy and a daddy. She could be told she is extra special because God chose her mommy to have her all to herself for now. I wish her luck!

I don't know how to answer that question either. But, I do know that if you are a Christian then you know we all have a very loving, gentle and faithful Father, God. Our church, Gateway Church in Southlake has an awesome ministry just for single parents. I am sure they can help with this very difficult situation and handle it with love and care. Hope this helps! Blessings, L. D

What a hard question, I can remember my daughter asking the same thing. I don't really have an answer but my suggestion is telling her that she has a father named God, he is everyones father. She can talk to him whenever she wants to and he will take care of her. He gives her the sunshine every morning and the beautiful stars at night.

I have two, and hopefully soon to be three adopted children along with my seven biological ones. We adopted through the foster care system, and one of our children remembers their biofamily, one does not. I have researched and studied this, and one piece of wisdom I have gleaned is to just tell the children the truth about their biofamilies. Don't make it better than it is, don't make it worse, just give them the truth, their history, in age approriate doses.
I would tell this little girl that she does indeed have a daddy, but right now, he lives somewhere else, and he doesn't come to see them, and mommy doesn't know where he is. She won't like this answer, probably, but your friend cannot change that. She should tell her little girl she's sorry, and maybe someday daddy will change his mind, and come find her. Let the little girl grieve that her daddy doesn't come, but also redirect her, and be matter of fact about it.

When I was a single parent that question came up a lot. Likely your friend will be asked that question many many times. I told my kids that daddy had to go away on a business trip and he did not think he was going to come back, but he loved them very much and wanted the best for them so he left mommy in charge. One thing I was set on is that I would never allow my kids to think they where any less because they did not have a father. I explained to them that some kids have 2 parents but many other kids have 1 parent that is both mom and dad. That the kids that had 1 parent where considered "Super People" in God's eyes. And it is the truth, single parents have twice the job, so in many ways they are super and I'm sure God knows that. I'm glad that your friend has a good friend like you, I wish the best for her and her daughter!

I told my son when he was 4 or 5 that his Father chose not to be a part of our lives and that he wasn't needed in our lives and God would send a Daddy if we needed one but for now we were good alone. In my situation there was no chance he was coming back and I didn't want my son to sit and pray for him to return. I told him that someday if the right man came along he would have a Daddy but there are no guarantees. Then the questions changed from who is my Daddy to how can we find a new one. A year later I met the man I married who has adopted him and made all the difference. I still get questions about his biological Father but he is very grounded and says he's thankful that his biological Father left because he was meant to have my husband as his Daddy. For me it was best to be honest. Now that my son is 11 he knows most of the story and understands that although his biological Father left his life is full and meaningful.

i raised my son alone - he is now 21. Father was never in his life. As we developed Playmates, and friends thru the church - he also began to ask those questions. I just explained that his daddy had chosen not to live with us, But i could be both mommy & daddy to him. We had a wonderful support group at our church that included single parent's children in "family" situations that helped. His sunday school teachers always encouraged him to make the "father's" day gifts - he sometimes gave them to me or gave them to a dad at church that had helped him.
I also explained to him that god made many different types of families, Single parents, both parents, living w/grandparents, living with relatives, etc. But God had chosen this type of family for us.
As he grew older he would jokingly call me Dad infront of friends.
As he grew and asked more questions I told him what was appropriate for his age. At 18 i told him i would help try to find his birth father, when he was ready. He has yet to ask.