How Much Is Too Much? - Conneaut,OH

Poor kid. He's probably lonely. I still wouldn't let him play with my kid in the house. Now if it were outside and they do a pick up of some ball game like football, I'd be fine with it as long as I can supervise. I would also be okay with them playing outside together so I could get to know the 5th grader. A 5th grader could come in very handy to a 2nd grader who needs "back up" if ever the situation calls for it!

If you have the time, then be around to supervise. I'd be a little hesitant. Get to know the parents of this child too.

Can you talk to some of the neighbors about the boy, to find out what's what with him? That might be your best bet.

If they say negative things, I would tell him that he's too old for your son.

If he's not a problem kid, maybe you could give him a chance. Perhaps the kids his own age don't like him because he has special needs or is slow? There's nothing wrong with that. (They might just call him weird, but it could be that he has some kind of social issues.)

Dawn

Wow.
Hard luck cases?

Kids will navigate to kids. That doesn't make them "hard luck".
I've lived in neighborhoods with lots of kids and I've lived in neighborhoods where kids were a rare sight.
With rare exception, I've had kids of all ages at my house, but then, I have kids 10 years apart. There was always someone a litter older or a little younger for one or the other of them.
My kids were never harmed by any "weird" children, although if they didn't want to observe my rules about being nice or fair play, they were asked to go home.
My son was very good friends with a boy quite a bit older than he was. The older boy was homeschooled, socially awkward and special needs although he was a genius when it came to some things. He was protective and very kind to my son. Emotionally, he was about the same age. He was harmless.
There were no other kids in the neighborhood at the time so they buddied up. And yes, I got to know his parents well. When the boys were at my house, I supervised and they did puzzles, drew, played board games.
My son didn't suffer for the interaction at all.
When I was a child, all the kids in the neighborhood played together. Kids of all ages. The older ones looked after the little ones and everyone just played.
Things have definitely changed.
I don't think a child should be judged for just being a kid and wanting to play with your kids. It doesn't mean no one else will play with him.
I had social children. They took shy ones under their wings.
Some kids definitely needed to be told "it's not a good time to play right now", but we never just as a matter of course took a look at a kid and said, "No...pretty much never gonna happen".

Just my opinion.

relax! In our neighborhood, all different ages played together. Once they hit middle school, the relationships backed off....& then picked up again in H.S.
We live in a small town, & it's not unusual for a freshman to date a senior.

Your 2nd grader may be more mature.....& the 5th grader may be immature. They may be meeting in the middle.

What bothers me most about this situation....is this pre-judging of a child. How about just letting them hang together, supervised by you....& see what unfolds? You may find that life will be good, that the kid is a.o.k., & that all of this negativity is unwarranted.

Within our circle of friends/family, my older son always prefered the older cousins/friends. Always has, & still does. I have to admit that I am the same way: my DH & my best friend are both 8 years older than me. & when I was a teen, all of my friends were older.

Oh, & as for showing up on the doorstep.....YES, it's normal. Well, at least in our town!

I have a kid in K, a 4 yr old, and a 2 year old. The boy down the street is in the 5th grade and plays all the time with them. The age difference wigged me out too at first, but I only let them play in our yard for a while or right across the street in the front yard (he's good friends with the 6 yr old across from us). As I've watched them - closely at first - I noticed that he takes on more of a big brother role with them. He teaches them how to play football, baseball, all kinds of stuff. He keeps the 2 year old involved and tells other kids to not be too rough with him. I think he's a good kid who is bored. I don't let them play inside together or go get him or play at his house, but if he's out, they are running around crazy with each other. It's been a lot of fun for them, and I've really grown fond of him as he's been around longer.

We have a similar situation in our neighborhood, where my 1st grader & 4th grader (both boys) are good friends with a twins (one girl, one boy) two houses down, who are in 6th grade. They all seem to get along fairly well, and we have an agreement in the neighborhood that all children play outside, unless both parents give approval to play inside (and all parent prefer that the kids are outside, at least when it is fairly nice out).
There is also a 7th grader who lives close by and is always in the neighborhood, mostly because he doesn't get much attention at home, but he plays with my 4th and 1st grader too. I feel bad for this boy, because he is starved for attention, but at the same time, sometimes we have to send him home due to his behavior. Again, we have him play outside though, and rarely does he actually come in the house. I don't know this boy's mom very well, which makes discipline issues more difficult, but I do know the twins mom very well, which makes discipline issues there (with all of our kids) much easier.

I guess I would recommend getting to know the 5th grader's family, so that you guys are on the same page as to what should and should not be allowed (playing inside v. outside, etc). Until then, when they do play together, I would recommend keeping everyone outside, and feel free to send the other child home if you want your 2nd grader inside.

good luck!
~T.

I haven't read the other responses but I am going to say NOWAY!! there is too much of an age difference her. Also, I can't see why a 5th grader would want to play with a second grader?????? In my opinion there are things a 5th grader knows that a 2nd grader does not need to know yet. I am sure this is a very nice boy but I just don't think it is necessary, and I wouldn't encourage it. If it were one year I wouldn't have an issue but 3 years is a big difference. I think you know the answer and you need to go with your gut here.

Find out where he lives, meet his parents and see how things go from there. Without that info, what would you do in an emergency?? You know nothing about this kid and yes you need to cover yourself but most of all be in agreement with the other parents etc. They may not have any idea he is visiting a strangers home trying to play with their child. Start there and then see how things go.

m

Okay, I'm seeing a lot of judging of YOU for judging the child. And I'm going to pull the mommy card and say that sometimes (as we all know) we get that uneasy feeling in our gut and act on our mommy instinct. I think that's what you're doing here and don't let anyone make you feel wrong about it. If you feel this kid's a little creepy, shut it down.

We have the same situation. There's a fifth grade girl who comes across the street to play with my first grade daughter whenever we are out in the front yard riding bikes or playing with chalk. We've lived here four years and have witnessed countless times her mother standing on their porch, screaming obscenities at her ex husband - or even at her children. The ex shouts back quite often. Their friends curse and shout at each other as well. While I feel heartsick for this child and her older siblings, we tend to hermit inside when those incidences occur. My children really don't need to hear the swearing and all that anger. When it's quiet again, we head outside.

We've let this 5th grader play with our kids only in the yard. And only in OUR yard. Never inside. Always supervised. She plays very gently and the kids really like her. She is always considerate enough to include our little pre-k boy, too. But because of her crazy parents, I will never leave them alone. They must play within sight or where I can hear them at all times. Honestly, I have not seen or heard anything to make me raise any red flags at all. I think she likes to teach the kids and likes the adoration she gets. My daughter thinks she's the bees' knees.

Unfortunately, it will get cold soon and we will be playing inside most days. We will just have to play with this friend again in the Spring. You are going to have to make up your own mind about letting this kid inside your house. But I say, go with your mommy gut.

Here are a couple of questions: if you could answer them, you might get better advice.

1. What is the context of the child who is approaching you? Is he a neighbor? Do you know the parents, even just to say hello to? Is this a reading tutor/buddy from school? (do you see why I'm asking? huge difference in scenarios)

2. Why do you think the other kids in the neighborhood won't play with him, and do you think this has to do with him or them? They might be new and the neighborhood kids may be pretty firmly entrenched in their friendships. I've been the new kid a LOT (moved 14 times during my school years) and it is very hard to make friends sometimes.

Some kids will be more forward about 'just showing up', but that may be due to parents who just tell him to "go out and play", or they could be overburdened in another way. He could also be a latchkey kid. You should really find out. If your son is interested, you could have the kids play outside, supervised by you. Be firm with your family rules for all the children involved. (I have found that being pretty direct about what is/is not allowed has worked well, personally, as long as I'm matter-of-fact about it; not 'sugar-coating' the rules or not upset.) If you don't feel it's working out, then just be 'busy'.

My feeling, personally, is that if there were a larger group of kids playing of mixed ages, the age difference wouldn't be so glaring. It's a bit unusual for an older child to seek out a younger one, but we don't know the maturity level of this boy, either. In any case, if you choose to allow play, keep it highly supervised and out of doors in plain view. Heaven forbid this child's parents go out looking for him and he be in your house. In fact, I think it would be a great idea to have him walk you over to his house before any playing commences. This will be reassurance for both sets of parents.

Good luck!

I once read that peers are 2 years apart or less

Too much age difference given the circumstances. If they were siblings, cousins, etc. okay then, but not an unknown fifth grader with a second grader. May he's an unusually immature fifth grader or a bully looking to boss younger kids around.

When my son was in 2nd grade I would have said no, too big of an age difference. Now my son is in 4th grade and I see the other side of the coin. He has a friend down the street with a little brother in kindergarten. He adores playing with the little brother; this kid is a hoot, and nice, and really enjoys playing outside with my son. It's been good for both kids, my son is learning to be more patient, less bossy, and what it means to be a role model; the kindergartner is getting lessons on bike riding, soccer, baseball, basketball, and a partner to distract the other kids during tag, lol.

It REALLY depends on the kids involved. Invite him over and see how it goes.

Oh – and my 4th grader is not supposed to roam the streets looking for friends to play with, but I’m sure he’s knocked on doors of school friends who don’t know me to see if their kid could play. 4th – 5th grade is when you start giving them a little more freedom so they can learn to make good decisions which of course means sometimes they make bad decisions and get in trouble for it when they get home, lol. He’s not a hard luck case, and just because he’s not playing with kids his own age doesn’t mean he doesn’t have friends his own age – it could just mean they are all grounded/at practice/playing video games/etc/etc/etc. Don’t judge him till you’ve met him.

it's all well and good for people to sit in judgment of you over this - but if it was their child i bet things would be different. no mother wants her small child under the influence of older kids who don't have a great home life. i say watch them like a hawk and DON'T feel like you have to apologize for it. you don't know what could happen or what these kids could say to yours just in casual conversation. trust me. i speak from experience. it would be great to include everyone in the "family fold" and everything be sunshine and roses. that's not reality. i "trusted" some older kids with questionable family situations, and next thing i knew i was watching my son being offered beer when the kids didn't think i was paying attention. (and these kids were significantly younger than those you mention - the oldest i think is maybe 8?) horse****. follow your instinct and DON'T apologize for it.

BIG age difference and developmentally.

I would not.
Because, you do NOT know him or his family.
So, NO.
And you have a young daughter. Who may tag along. No.

AND, you should supervise. Not leaving your kids alone with another child/family you do not know.
Common sense.

Tell the 5th grader, NO.

NO is no.
You don't have to explain.

I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. At that age 3 years is a major age difference with different toys, types of play, and tv shows being appropriate. It is important to us to keep our kids little for as long as possible so playing with someone 3 years older is outside my comfort range. Plus next year he will be in middle school. I think I would say that I was sorry but they were busy doing xyz or too young to come outside etc.

Updated

I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. I think I would say that I was sorry but they were busy doing xyz or too young to come outside etc.

I think it depends some on the context. I have a sister 4.5 years younger (4 school grades) and we lived in a neighborhood with a lot of kids. A lot of the kids played together once we were all school age, especially outdoors. The usual group had about a 4-5 year age spread. Some kids were in the middle between my age and my sister and we all got along well. Some kids were almost the same age but we never got along. Also my parents had a group of friends and the whole bunch of kids was more or less sent to play together. The older kids watched the younger ones and most of the time it was fine (and the parents were there if things got too rowdy).
In your situation I would want to meet or talk to the parents. And I would supervise the first few times the kids played at least.

Our next door neighbor is in the 4th grade and she comes over all the time to play with my 5 year old. I am always around watching them and they love to play on our xbox kinect and play outside together. At first I thought the age difference was a little much, but she is really sweet to my daughter and they have never had any problems.

My son is 6 and whenever we go to my other son's soccer practice my 6 year old is running around with the 6 grade brothers of some of the team. There is also a 16 year old exchange student. Everyone gets along pretty well and it's great fun for my son to play with the "big boys"
L.

The only thing that really would trouble me is that (from the sounds of your post) there are other same aged kids and they do not play with this boy. That makes me wonder why. If there were not other same aged kids around, I wouldn't think much about it. My son is 13 this year, and he still hung out some over the summer with the new boys that moved into our neighborhood this past year... they are like 6 and 8. My son also hung out with the almost 15 year old that lives across the street from the 6 & 8 year olds. He gets along with all kinds. All his cousins were older when he was little (now he has some younger ones that just moved to this side of the country) and his playmates at church were several years older. He is just super friendly, (and not yet ready to totally give up his "childhood" to be a "teen" just yet.... it comes and goes).
But if there WERE kids in our neighborhood that were his same age, he would be out playing with them guaranteed. Doesn't mean he might not include the younger boys, as their parents allowed. But he would not be focused on them, unless there was something awry with the other boys. Do you know anything about the other same-aged kids in your neighborhood? Maybe THEY are the ones with issues and your little visitor doesn't want to hang out with trouble. ?

It's hard to say. Boys are more immature than girls so they tend to play longer with younger kids. A girl probably would not do this. In our school 5th grade is in a different building than the second grade so they are not on the same bus. Unless I know the parents I would have them play at your house so you can observe them together. Maybe there is something they both like. IF they start playing more together then I would plan on meeting his parents so you know them and understand what it is like at the other house. Most important of all discuss with your son how you expect him to behave at the other person's house and if he ever feels not safe that he has a bailout plan.

I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

I think it totally depends on the kid. My daughter has some friends that are 2 years older than her and we have banned all future playdates. She has other friends that are 2 years older than her and we love them. I think it really depends on the kid and the family. If you don't know the family, maybe try to meet them.