How Much Freedom for a 17 Year Old?

Well thats what moms do, we encourage. That never stops. I would keep encouraging her about eating healthy. Whats a mom to do?

I am dealing with this same thing with my 14 year old. She's so determined to stay skinny that she'd rather not eat - or as with your daughter eat chips, etc. I took my daughter to a nutritionist - it wasn't cheap - but I thought it would help. It did - but not much. The desire to be skinny overrides what they know is really best for them. Yesterday my daughter (who is 5'10") had a half sandwich at lunch, an apple and water - and then another apple at about 6:00. That was all she ate all day. Fortunately, she was willing to eat this morning - she must have been starving. I offered a few options, grilled cheese, eggs, PBJ, yogurt.... She ended up having 2 fried eggs and one piece of toast. She left one of the yolks but ate both eggs whites. I considered this a triumph because I was able to get some protein in her. I'm working on vegetables - trying to find fruit or vegetables that she'll eat. My next attempt will be to take her through Trader Joe's to hopefully find some chips that have soy in them that she'll eat. If she wants to eat chips at least I can make them healthy and add some protein.
This is a dilemma and I still don't think I have a good solution. I am eager to see what other moms have to say. HELP!

You still need to encourage her. Have you tried having a frank discussion with her about her eating habits? Something along the lines of, "You are probably having headaches and fatigue because you are not eating a healthy diet. Do you want to keep feeling this way when you go to college?" I realize you can't control her decisions when she is at school (i.e. getting chips from the vending machine) but is it possible to just not have chips, candy, etc. in the house? My stepsons would complain all the time that we had "nothing to eat" when the truth was that I just didn't buy the junk food that their mom always bought.

Did you ever consider that she might have an eating disorder? Can you talk to her doctor about this and maybe even schedule an appointment to have the doctor talk to her as well?

Buy things that are good or relatively good.
My kids like Hot POckets and burritos. Things like that. I don't encourage the junk but if they buy it at school I have no control over it. I also have those bagel bites, small raviolis, pizza rolls. These are full of sodium but at least they are getting some protien in their bodies. Get those protein shakes and granola bars. Put grapes on the table. Get those tiny Clementine oranges.
The more "yummy" stuff you get the more she 'll eat it. THe less likely she is to eat chips.
Then remember she is 17.
My diet consisted of Pepsi for breaksfast, whatever my friends didn't want for lunch, if I had any, then whatever mom had laying around in the house after school and more Pepsi. She always made good nutritious dinners.
In college I ate a lot of junk an drank a lot of Pepsi. I survived, we all did. She will too.

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Can you slowly upgrade her to healthier habits? It sounds like this is an all-carb diet and there's not a lick of protein or fruit involved. I'd stop buying the chips and chocolate starting now. You can't force food into her but you don't have to enable her either. Just say that the whole family is going on a healthier regimen. If it's hard on anyone else in the family, I think that's kind of too bad but it's gotta be done. It won't hurt everyone else to upgrade their diet too! You could do whole grain chips and some salsa on the weekends or during a family movie maybe, but get rid of the daily junk.

Can you get her to put a tablespoon of peanut butter on that breakfast toast, or add one little egg? If she likes the "snack" idea for lunch, can you give her string cheese or one of the little BonBel single serve cheese rounds? How about Pita rounds - they crunch like chips but she can put cheese or hummus on them. Can you have some single-serve containers of healthier options? The pre-made ones are expensive but at this point she needs something. You could make your own in those little reusable containers - if she'll take them. Raw veggies with a hummus dip, apple slices & peanut butter, grapes, etc. A small bag of almonds makes a great snack with a lot of protein and it gives her some "crunch" if she likes that.

I would tell her she needs to do something about her diet or stop complaining to you. Acknowledge that she is too big for you to force her but ask her why she is complaining to you - does she want your help, or does she just want to complain? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result. Her complaining isn't working.

At college, she will get pulled along with the crowd to the cafeteria and ideally will make better choices when everyone else is.

Is there some sort of eating disorder going on here? Why is she eating so little? Afraid of weight gain? I realize she is eating junk but is this some sort of reaction to being starving? Is she depressed and just feeding her misery? A visit to the doctor followed by some counseling sessions would make some sense. If you have control over things like her car keys and cell phone (which you pay for, I imagine) then you can tell her she cannot drive while she is exhausted and that she needs to earn privileges by showing that she is mature. Anyone eating chips and chocolate is not making mature choices and therefore she cannot be trusted to exercise good judgment in other areas. Some of this could be rebellion or a desire to get attention because she is nervous about leaving home and being on her own.

I think you need to get to the bottom of it, exercise what control you do have, and have some sort of hope for next year. Problem is, she can get really sick between now and college.

Good luck.

C.---You HAVE to keep stressing that an optimal diet will eliminate the fatigue and headaches. Eating like that will damage her health, maybe not right away, but in the long term she is setting herself up for increased risk of heart disease, cancer, type 2 diabetes and auto-immune disorders.

For me, this would be a fight I would be willing to fight. First, you simply should not even have junk food or unhealthy snacks in the house. If it's not there, it will be harder to eat it. I'm not saying never, just stress the difference between treats and food that contributes to optimal health. We tend to forget, or maybe not even realize, that food provides not only fuel, but also nutrients to protect and repair the body. Education is the key to making lasting changes. I've been studying wellness for several years now, after coming to the realization that current medical practices do NOT promote prevention. God bless doctors...when I'm in a car accident, I want them near. But, I do not want to have to depend on them as I age, taking drugs that lower blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. I want my diet to take care of that for me, and research shows that it can. I have tons of info that I can share from my classes, taught by a Naturopath who has her PhD in Nutrition. I'd be happy to share that with you.

If you are interested and can get your daughter to agree, start that edcuation process. Appeal to her vanities, a good diet will help her to become a better athlete, scholar, model, etc. To that end, there will be a really great lecture on Oct 29 in Dedham, given by a registered dietician. I encourage you to take your whole family to this.

So, I guess I should apologize a bit as maybe this is a little more than you were asking for. But, I hope you don't mind my offering. This way at least you have another idea to consider. Feel free to contact me, especially if you'd like the flyer for the lecture. I not selling anything. I just want to help people learn to take better care of their health, IF they are interested. Good luck! D.

well continue to encourage her with better habits

Well you know this you can't make her what she doesn't want to eat. So make sure you are serving healthy meals and gently talking about it, maybe having her help you make dinner.

This wont help you but I ate just as badly when I was a teen but my mom didn't care like you to so you are a good mom! Good luck.

I would praise her when I see her making good choices and encourage her good habits.

My daughter is almost 16, very good kid, always have had great communication and she is now going through another independent streak which is expected.

I try to praise whenever possible. My daughter eats a great breakfast but won't eat again until after school meaning she gets cranky, etc. I make sure to have healthy choices waiting when she gets home daily.

On Fridays, she goes straight from school at 4:15 to competition cheer practice til 6:30. I have a thermos packed with her favorite pasta and she eats pasta and fruit on the way to competition training.

We have to trust that we did things right, it is up to them to make good decisions now. Hang in there, I know I am in for a wild ride the next couple of years myself!

You are getting a lot of good advice, and I think you are doing a great job. One day the light bulb will go off and she'll probably not tell you that you were right. I remember when I first realize that my mom knew what she was talking about. Keep on with the encouragement, and add little tid bits to it, like you probably would be feeling better if you ate a well balance diet, you won't have that great metabolize much longer and it'll be destroyed from the way you are eating now...
You are right you wont' be there next year, but I bet you will still ask how she's eating when she gets to college, I remember my mother asking too...I know when I went to college they called it the freshman 15...

I wonder why she won't eat any fruit or vegetables? Did you give her fruits and veggies when she was growing up? What if you start making fruit smoothies for breakfast? They are delicious, so I bet she would drink them. Just say something like, "Guess what I just a bought? A blender! (or maybe you already have one - if not, maybe you can buy one?) I have always wanted to drink fruit smoothies for breakfast. Will you try it with me?" You can make it on your own (any berries works well, and so does banana, and add milk to it, or orange juice for a sweeter taste - if you add milk, you may want to add some honey or agave nectar to it). Or, Costco sells smoothie packets. You just dump it in, add milk and blend. That would be a great way for your daughter to get some fruit into her body while she eats her toast. Since she is nutritionally deprived, make sure (if she will let you, that is) she takes some good vitamins. Go to your local health food store and buy her some all natural, whole food concentrated vitamins. That is very important for her right now. Another vitamin option - Carnation Breakfast. My kids love it, and so do I! I buy the kind in the blue box. The yellow box is cheaper b/c it has added sugar (a lot of it - yuck). The blue box says "no added sugar." You just drop a half of a packet or the whole packet into her glass of milk and mix. It will give her lots of vitamins! Also, I'm sure she won't refuse to drink chocolate milk, right? It really is delicious. When she chocolate after school, make sure (if at all possible) it is dark chocolate (dark chocolate in small doses is good for you b/c it contains antioxidants). Try to make sure the chips she is eating is baked and not fried. Try to encourage her to drink plenty of water. She is probably a bit dehydrated, as I am guessing she doesn't drink enough water. I know it is tough since she considers your input as "confrontational." Just be very nice and positive about it and make sure you have a nice, calm, and happy tone to your voice (tone of voice is everything). Tell her that you are on a health kick and would love it if she would try some new foods with you. Tell her it will be fun to try something different and your friend told you (or you read it somewhere) that it is delicious. Back to breakfast - smear some peanut butter and/or almond butter on her toast. Would she eat it? Any kind of nuts is extremely healthy. I bet she would like pineapple. I just bought one yesterday and it is as sweet as candy. If she refuses to put berries or banana in her fruit smoothie, you can give her a bowl of berries and drizzle honey or agave nectar on it and it will be very sweet! I can go on and on, but this is already very long, so I apologize! You have this last year with her, so try hard so hopefully she will pick up some habits before she goes to college. If she agrees to try a fruit smoothie, and actually likes it, you can buy her a blender as a gift for when she goes to college. Best of luck!

It sounds to me like your daughter has the beginnings of an eating disorder. The fatigue and headache is from dehydration. You don't mention anything other than her poor diet and attitude. I visited waldenbehavioralcare.com (Walden Behavioral Care is a leading eating disorder treatment facility located in Mass) and found the following:

"Because people with anorexia do not get the nutrition necessary for good health, they can damage almost every organ system or body part, including the brain, liver, kidneys, heart, GI tract, bones, teeth, skin and hair. If left untreated, anorexia can result in serious medical conditions, such as:

•Low blood pressure
•An abnormally slow heart rate
•Reduced bone density, often resulting in osteoporosis
•Muscle loss and weakness
•Dehydration, sometimes leading to kidney failure
•Dry and brittle hair and skin
•Retarded growth
•Amenorhea
At its worst, anorexia can lead to a person's death.

Please keep in mind I'm not saying your daughter has anorexia BUT every eating disorder starts somewhere, and the effect her "diet" is having on her body has the same end result.

You can only offer your morals, values, suggestions, and setting your own good examples. You cannot make a child listen to or follow your morals, values, suggestions, and examples. They have to learn the hard way, by making their own mistakes. Try to mention that the metabolism slows down the less a person eats and even with eating very little the body stores what little fat it receives. Best to you.

In a few months she is going to be feeding herself on a daily basis, she is not going to change at this late date. I way let her make these decisions on her own while she is still in a protected enthronement and that way if she passes out from lack of nutrition she'll have you to find her body...LOl.
I sit here laughing at the pictures in my mind...she needs to learn, obviously, but she has made up her mind to do it her way. I ate junk food, mostly candy bars, for all my meals in college and survived it.

Have you tried asking her what she thinks the cause of the headaches and fatigue is? If she can come to it on her own that her dietary choices may be contributing it will probably be more effective.
Or suggest that you guys make an appointment for her to see her doctor. At her age she should probably see the dr alone so you may want to tell the office before the visit about your concerns regarding her diet/headaches/fatigue just in case she neglects to mention it. :) Maybe they can arrange for her to meet with a nutritionist once or twice to get her so info on healthy eating habits.

At this stage your continued comments about her eating are likely to backfire. She is trying to pull away from you. So she is doing the oposite of your suggestions. When she complains about headaches & fatigue, ask her how much water she drank. When she answers with a low number, say maybe that's why. Eventually she will figure this out on her own. Many of us learn by making poor choices. Be thankful, if this is the extent of her poor choices - her poor choices could be so much worse. Keep healthy choices at home, she can buy the poor choices with her own money.