Hi all, I wanted to gauge how my daughter is doing by way of your experience with your daughter. She is 13 almost 14. She is a fantastic kid, very happy and positive girl. Mostly, she has been textbook in terms of development. She got a tad more moody before starting her period, but nothing unmanageable. She is experiencing typical middle school drama and taken a slight interest in boys (just crushes at this point, no boyfriend). She is asserting some independence, telling me she thinks she should be able to eat whatever she wants and do things with friends unsupervised. She does some things unsupervised- I've let her go bowling with friends and to the mall without me, things like that. Eating whatever she wants really just means she doesn't like when I tell her she can't eat a box of cookies before dinner, I don't otherwise micromanage what she eats. She's good at talking to me about these requests and we come up with compromises.
The main negative thing I've noticed is her sloppiness, disorganization, and focus in school. She has always been a messier kid, but her room is a disaster now. She can't seem to keep school papers and assignments organized throughout the day, and her grades are slipping a bit because of it. I have heard her tell me stories of how kids are more likely now to do things like pass notes or talk when the teacher isn't looking. I think this is the age when they realize they don't have to be so scared of teachers and that it's fun to try to get away with little things like that. I worry that this is causing her to pay more attention to the kids in the class instead of the teacher, therefore making her learn less and do more poorly on tests, etc. She also comments about not wanting to be labeled 'teachers pet'.
She isn't getting in trouble, and her teachers said that she is hanging out with a good crowd, and I agree- I like her friends. I think so far she is more fascinated with being near the kids who are being sneaky in class, I think the worst thing she did is chew gum in class when it's not allowed. I'm not sure if I should worry this is a slippery slope and she'll end up really struggling in school or if this is more of a phase that she realizes the teacher's opinions of her aren't as important as they used to be. Can kids find a happy medium between not being the teachers pet and can goof off (mildly) sometimes but still get good grades?
I also wonder if there is a hormonal or brain development part to this. Could she be a little more scatterbrained due to these factors?
I'm just not sure what to think of all of this. She overall is a great kid. She still shares her day with me, including how the kids goof off in class. I don't jump on that when she says it because I don't want to shut the communication down. She is on two sports teams and doing fine in those.
What should I make of this? What were your teen girls like at this age? How did you get through it and what was the best way to support her? Seriously hoping I'm not the only one here!! Thanks everyone!
She's a typical teenager, doing perfectly normal things for her age. She's not knocking over liquor stores or prostituting herself for diet pills. Stop worrying.
You are not the only one. My daughter, now 19, was never a bad kid or got out of hand but she can have some major mood swings around her PMS time and still does and especially if she is hungry!!
Of course there was the girl drama. She was in cheer and looking back, I recall the entire cheer experience, even though she was Captain Jr. Varsity and Captain on Varsity I might not have been so supportive for that choice. She cheered from 8-12th grades and loved it but hated the drama. We both hated the drama that mostly stemmed from cheer. I am still in shock at how some moms acted.
She was always, and still is, very focused on her grades. She is a great student, graduated with 3.7 and first semester of college was 3.875. Most of the time, her room looked like a hurricane came through it. I don't know how she found what she needed and when but that was a battle I chose not to fight. We had good communication and I wanted to maintain that so I let her room go. She got better as she got older, especially after a friend saw her room once... the embarrassment got to her and she was better but it was still a mess.
We never had issues with food. She is health focused as well and maintains a healthy diet.
Today she has her own condo and I expected to see a sight like her room when I visited her the first time after she'd been there about a month. I was shocked that it was spotless and has been each time I have been over. She is very particular and she keeps her condo in better order than I have my own house! Now I am the embarrassed one!
We have the house where everyone would come hang out and I loved that because her friends also kept me in the loop but respected me as a parent.
SO.... just hang in there with your daughter and appreciate all the good and bad. I miss mine like crazy and she is just 20 minutes away. We text a lot and she is notorious for texting me at 2-3am when she thinks of something she wants to tell me. I don't balk about that because I am just glad she does want to text me and be around me! it gets better!!!
Well, I have four girls and the two oldest are twins. The oldest are about to finish college, then the middle one is a college freshman, and the youngest just turned 17. Believe me, I KNOW GIRLS. Mine all lost their damn mind from age 12-15. Three years of things that make the terrible two's seem like a party. This seemed to be the age of ebbing and tiding between wanting to grow up but acting like a toddler when things didn't quite go their way. It's the mind trying to mature but not quite getting all the pieces to the puzzle lined up at this stage. They exerted independence and fought for it tooth and nail. They know everything yet understand none of it well. Moods run hot and cold and so do tempers and exasperated huffs, sighs, and verbal explosions. This is life with any teenager but add hormones, boyfriends, academic expectations, and of course parental rules and we have the perfect storm of Teenage Girl 101! What I can tell you is that what works is consistency and never giving in or budging on what is near and dear to you as a parent just to appease an exasperated teenage girl. Hubby needs to be with you 100% and act as a united front on all issues. You need to maintain Queen Bee status at all times. I noticed that all four of mine started to go to the "Dad Side" during these challenging years. These ladies felt they could work him better and get what they wanted from him rather than take a chance on asking me! Goes to show you that working the men for latitude starts right at home with their very own Dad! It didn't work for them....but they tried!
Here's the good news....once this little teenage grace period passes, your daughter will start to morph into a sensible, reliable, responsible, even-keeled and lovely young woman. All of mine have and it is a blessing to me four times over. They now understand why there were rules. The get how to manage money and why you can't have everything you want all the time. They know hard work and doing for themselves now as well. They are each navigating life on their different levels and tell me how much they love me and appreciate me all the time. I never changed....but they did. All I can say is buckle your seatbelt and prepare for speed bumps until they snap out of the typical "me-me-me" phase. Soon the diamond in the rough will become refined and will reward you as a parent. I love each of my girls and although I wanted to strangle each of them through ages 12-15, I am happy to report that we all weathered the storm and I have four beautiful gems. You are at the beginning of the most trying years ever and you have a few more to go. My advice....YOU stay the same and offer consistent and attainable goals for her to meet and manage. SHE will undergo a lot of change. Just roll with it and adapt as needed. You too will have a gem in the near future. Totally worth waiting for!!
There was a really great presentation on NPR regarding this,
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2014-01-06/daniel-siege...
and a physician/author talking about his book about the teenage brain - http://www.amazon.com/dp/158542935X
Their brains actually physically change - it's called pruning. There's a lot going on with hormones that I was completely surprised by. It might help both of you to get a hold of this book.
Sounds like a lot of teens I know including SD.
I think it is all normal. Trying to assert their independence.
The only thing I think I would concentrate on is her grades. Study habits.
Follow up on her homework.
Be sure to get her a good breakfast to start the day off right.
If she's not a morning eater, get a good breakfast bar she will like & have
her stick it in her backpack every morning.
The attitude starts to come out unless you squash it. While some independence is good, you are still the parent & get to set the guidelines.
Support her by talking to her about school work, friends etc.
The National Geographic Magazine, had an article titled "Teenage Brains."
Read, it. I have the magazine.
Here is a link for the article:
http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/10/teenage-brains/...
Your daughter to me, seems very normal and still a nice kid.
Even if she is a teenager.
Not ALL teenagers, get terrible or turn terrible or are terrible.
But they also are not wild creatures who can and should be without parental guidance/rules. They are still, a kid.
And you are still a parent.
The human brain is not fully developed until about 26 years old.
My daughter is 11. But even before this, I have always talked to her, about being a Teenager etc. I don't start only now... doing this. I have always just talked to her about things/stuff/chatting etc.
When I was a kid... it was my DAD... that I was closest to and could talk to about anything. He knew, what made ME, tick. And was not acting like a "buddy"... but a parent. I knew the rules of the roost, but also was myself.
This is all really normal. I would suggest that you help her get organized in her room. Maybe make it a "making her a more grown up space" thing. And in the process get rid of the clutter. The kids I nanny for do their homework at the kitchen and dining room table. They never take backpacks past the living room door. Stuff doesn't get scattered so nothing gets lost. Where does your daughter do homework? If you don't have a space maybe make one. I would not fight the food battle. Just have healthy snacks out and available. The passing notes thing has been going on since school was first organized. Don't stress over it but keep an open dialogue going. We always had dinner together and would ask all the kids what was your day like? What was the funniest thing that happened? Anyone get in trouble? Etc. When they were teenagers I would throw a question in just fishing around. We had the "koolaid" house. You know the house where the kids all liked to hang out so we could hear what was happening without having to ask most of the time. But we would say things like "what's going on with X" sometimes it would be nothing other times the kids would erupt like volcanos and tell things you could tell they needed to talk about.
Bottom line is your daughter is fine just keep communication open.
My daughter is now 15 and will turn 16 in May. She went through (and is still partially in) this phase of disorganization. Organizing school folders and papers has been a nightmare. We are still stressing to her the importance of being organized and how this improves things overall. Sometimes she gets it, sometimes she just doesn't care. What she is learning more and more about is the consequences of her actions. Teens lack mature cognitive development, so I have to really monitor my expectations on some things with her, because she's not mature enough to fully process some things. Your daughter sounds normal to me. There is a book, a friend recently recommended about moms and their teen daughters and the title is something like, "I Love You, but I Hate You!" I forget the author sorry. I am definitely going to add this to my Kindle list of books. I'm sure I can learn something that will help me to continue to foster a good relationship with my teen. Good luck.
I'm glad you asked this question. My girls are 4 and 8 and I often wonder what preteen life will be like. I was a pretty tame kid but my step siblings and brother...not so much!
Good to know that there is still a chance that I wont wake up up one day to find she devil has taken over my sweet girls. ;)
My two cents about your daughter...she seems like a great kid. I would worry if she started dumping her "good" friends and wanted to hang out with the trouble makers. But otherwise, keep the lines of communication open and be there to listen and give wise advise. She may or may not take it but at least its in her head.
Sounds like you're doing a great job. The best advice I can give you is keep a close relationship with her no matter what. It's sounds cliche but communicating in a meaningful way has been the key to easing the hurdles of adolescence in our house.
Before I had a teenage girl I thought communicating with her would be like adult women. We'd go to lunch and chat away about our lives. Sometimes it's like that but the most important conversations seem to come about more slowly, like peeling an onion. When you're really tuned into to your kid you notice things, kind of intuitively. Sometimes that moodiness is just hormones but I've found if you give her a good opportunity, out comes the truth. When I get that feeling we go for a long walk, shopping or watch a movie together. If I listen more than talk and ask the right questions I am amazed at how open my usually reserved girl will be.
Keeping the lines of communication open requires more than conversations. You have to really listen to your daughter, her friends and listen to your intuition. Spend down time with her every chance you get and keep your home a safe, happy place to be. The closer she is to her family, the less she'll be effected by the social craziness of teens.
