How Do You Punish a Nine Year Old Who Steals?

Apologize to Gramma.
Get a job, learn how much money that is, and how hard it is to earn that much. I remember stealing when I was little, even not so little. It was more of not having any control of money, no access to earn it. Punishment would only distance the kid from the parent/s I think. He is getting to need to talk to you more and more. I see this as a great ooportunity for you to be able to help him problem solve this issue. Can he help with his "punishment"? Maybe this could also help him see how many people this affects. I would want to be able to somehow earn my own money, and be able to spend it my way (also a great time to talk about savings and charities etc) Perhaps paying Gramma back, and also helping some less fortunate kids with money he can earn by doing EXTRA (beyond family/household expectations) chores. Raking neighbors leaves, shoveling snow...good luck.

Hi B.,

First of all, I want to stress that the word "punishment" makes children feel like they are "bad" people. As an educator, i have been taught that here are "no bad kids, just bad behavior". It IS important there be a consequence for his behavior. We all have consequences for our behavior, even as adults.

The consequence should fit the crime. In this case, apologizing to his "gramma" and then doing some sort of chore for her to make it up to her would make sense to me. I would make sure that it is something age appropriate and something that will result in him feeling good about his "work". He will then feel better about himself knowing that he can be forgiven for his mistakes and that he was able to make his "gramma" proud of him.

The important lesson is we all make mistakes, it is what we do about them that makes the difference.

Good luck!

Hi B.,
As a child psychologist, I have seen this frequently in families with two or more children who are relatively close in age, are in families that have an older child (over five) and a new infant. You've gotten some great advice and you seem to have an excellent grasp on effective parenting. One thing you should consider is that typically children do this to substitute for attention. It satisfies a innate psychological desire to control their surroundings, which directly correlates to how much time Mommy and Daddy spend with them now and how much they want them too. With limited resources and parents working long hours, this becomes very difficult. If you would like to thwart this behavior from coming back, I suggest that you schedule a time that you will spend with your son, every week, just for him. Daddy should do the same thing. Just one or two hours every week, scheduled in advance so the child can look forward to it, of alone time with Dad reduces negative behaviors in male children enormously. In addition, here is a great article about this topic: http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_...
Good Luck! Sounds like you have it under control!

B.,

Well he would not have access to any privileges, TV, unplug cable, phone, video games, I would not let him have or do what he treasures. Even if he is in a sport that he loves, that week of sports or any extra activity he enjoys will come to a halt. I would make sure it was the most boring week he had ever encountered! He might not enjoy this but I would add an earlier bed time, and some extra chores for that week. Nine year olds hate being board. If he does it again......I would sell a game system and he would not get it back along with all of the above. I know this is not fair to the other children, we have lived without all this stuff, so can they. I am just assuming he has all these things because mine do. Good luck!

Then after all the punishments, give him chores he can get paid for. And find something he does well and praise him. Start making a big deal out of his accomplishments. Tell what a great kid he is, tell him how much you love him, give hugs out regularly (not around his buddies of course, lol) Boys are small men.......needs load of attention!

You sound like a great mom! good luck!

Daisie

As a teacher, I recommend that you focus not on the punishment, but what would lead him to be dishonest. Your goal should be "rehabilitation" for an unpredicted behavior, not punishment, which will have a greater likelihood of recurrence. He knows it was wrong, otherwise he wouldn't have lied about it. Look at what is leading him to feel like he has to lie and steal. Have a heart to heart with him. You sound like you think this is the first step to a life of crime. To me, it sounds like he is struggling with some questions of right and wrong and trust. Focus there and he will feel like he can trust you not to turn on him or think he is a bad person. With that trust in YOU, he will be inspired to be trustworthy himself. You have now been introduced to the coming middle school years where they are trying to figure out their moral compass. Helping him discover it will yield better results. Help him figure out the RIGHT way to do things rather than just punishing the WRONG ways.

I would "steal" his most prized posession leaving a ransome note explaining like Molly D below said. I would make him earn it back by doings chores that pay 25 cents to a dollar. and when he has earned $40 he gets his item back.then take it away after a couple of day . Let him know what it feel like to earn something only to have someone take it away. Have a good talk with him about it. good thing is no actual money needs to be used or go ahead and use real money.. He will learn the value of things that way

Hi B.,
I agree that punishing isn't the most effective solution and that talking to him about it, why it's wrong, why lying about it is wrong etc. However, you might also ask him how he feels he should be punished. Kids are often tougher on themselves than parents would be. If he comes up with something reasonable, do it. If you feel it's too strong, modify it.

Children will do well if they can. There must be something that got in the way of his doing the right thing.

The Collaborative Problem Solving Model for dealing with children is very helpful.

Show empathy, "I noticed that you struggled with telling the truth, what's up?" -reassure your child that you are exploring this problem with them. (maybe his concern is simply that he needs money.)

Define the problem. "I am concerned that you lied."

Invite a solution. "I wonder if there is a way to resolve your need for money and my need to have you come by it honestly." Give your son the first opportunity to suggest solutions.

Both my mom and a friend of mine stole and were caught when they were young and both had to make amends. My mom had to go back to the store, return what she stole (some fake paper money) and apologize to the clerk. My friend had to write a letter apologizing to the victim of her crime and pay back all the money. These methods were very effective with both of them. Just an idea to add to your mix.

This is a hard one, and I'm no expert, but I would have him not only return the $40, but also have him do work around the house so that he knows what it feels like to earn $40. Also, you might make him earn back the trust by not giving him as many privileges as usual until he can prove that he's worthy of being treated with some responsibility. It might seem harsh, but better to nip it in the bud now.

Hi B.,

Try taking any video games (Wii, PS3, Game Cube, XBox, etc), the phone, the IPod, any kind of technological toy that your son enjoys away from him. I don't know if your son receives an allowance, but in case he does, give his weekly allowance to his Gramma to pay back what he stole?

Also, I would suggest having your son apologize to his Gramma for taking the money.

This worked for me when I was younger...I thought my world was ending because I had my favorite toys taken from me. Hope you find these suggestions helpful.

Good luck!

Punishments dont work, especially with kids that old. So things like taking away TV, "grounding" him (a terribly outdated concept), etc... will simply cause him to rebel further.
Explain to him that stealing is wrong, yes, but dont treat him like a naughty child. Ask him why he stole the money, and wait until he gives a genuine answer. Make sure he understands that what hes done hurt his grandmother. I think hes old enough that he may understand if you explain that adults need money for things like food and bills, and if they dont have the money they need, they will be very inconvenienced. Impress upon him that he wouldnt like if someone stole his money or possessions, so he shouldnt do that to others, especially people he cares about.
These concepts of compassion and understanding are best taught all along, since toddlerhood. I dont know if you've done that, and if you haven't, what i've suggested may not work if its so foreign to your son. But theres no hurt in starting now.

Dear B., Stealing is a problem no doubt but in my experience it is more of a symptom than the actual problem. Children who steal often feel as if they do not have enough, that their needs are not being met. You did not mention the birth order of this particular child, i.e. first, second... This can mean emotional needs as well as physical.I have found that rather than punishing the child it is better to speak with the child. But often a child further down the birth order can fell left out or overlooked. Ask yourself if any of this could ring true for your family. As far as the actual act of taking something that does not belong to the child I would suggest the following: Tell the child that they do not need to steal to get what they need, that he/she can ask you and you will take care of his need because that is your job. If the child wants something that you decide is not a need but rather a want, help your child make this distinction and give them avenues through which they can go to acquire what it is they want. Perhaps it is something you think they should not have yet because they are too young, then you can tell them at what age it will be permissible for them to have the thing and that you will help them with it when the time comes. Good luck and remember to approach the situation with an open heart and open mind, that your child is communicating with you by stealing and it is your job to figure out what he is calling out for. L.

Hi B.,

I teach CCD to a group of fourth-graders, and we were just talking about this as we studied the Ten Commandments. One of the scenarios we discussed was a child deliberately throwing a ball into and breaking a neighbor's window. It's along the same lines as lying and stealing, as it robs someone of their property by damaging it.

I asked the kids what appropriate restitution might be. They said to apologize, and to pay to replace the broken window. I asked if it would also be appropriate to have the child do some extra work for the person whose window they broke, and they all agreed that it would be.

So, don't be afraid to make your son own up to what he's done, apologize and set things right, but also go that one step further to make amends. As others have said, have a heart-to-heart and see what he was thinking. He may or may not know, he might have just been tempted without thinking it through. It's good that he got caught though, use this as a learning opportunity. Good luck!

Make him do volunteer work until you deem that the $40 has been repaid

My sister and I caught my then 8 yo stealing a pack of gum from our local convenient store. We had her go back to the store, give the clerk the pack of gum and tell her that she had stolen it and was sorry and was giving it back and promised the clerk she would never do it again.
Also, we told the clerk infront of my daughter, that if she were caught stealing again that the clerk should go ahead and call the police as this is the proper way to deal with people that steal.

The emabarassment alone has made her realize that this is not good behavior.

I don't know if this will work for you, but it is an idea.

This is a very serious offense. He should write I formal, written apology to his grandmother and return the money. I would also have him do yard work or chores for his grandmother worth that same amount. (Yes, that would mean paying back double, but borrowing money comes with high interest rates!) He should have no tv, video games or other fun things until the money is earned. At the same time, I would look into why he did what he did. If it is completely out of character, then I would try to figure out what has changed to make him want to have the money. Did he really want money, or was he just looking for attention? If it is attention he is looking for then I would make sure I was spending enough time with him and making sure his Dad is spending time one on one with him. If he wanted the money, find out why? Then work on ways in which he can honestly earn money for the things he wants, as long as you approve of what he wants. Even if this is just doing extra chores for extra allowance. He needs to realize that you cannot trust him right now because he has broken that trust but that an honest effort to make reparation for his wrongdoing (mentioned above) will go a long way toward earning back that trust. The point of discipline is to teach, so you need to make the punishment fit the crime in as much as he will learn from it. Best of luck to you and your family!

You might want to make him face up to what he has done to who he did it to and also make him "work off" his punishment in the way of chores he usually does not have to do (like cleaning out car,room,)All the whilemaking it known that it is NOT right to steal

take away $40 bucks every time he misbehaves