How Do You Know When He Is the One?

Hi J.,
I am in a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend for eight years and no ring yet, we have a beautiful 2 1/2 year old son. We also have more differences than commonalities, but I think for us opposites attract. I know he is the one because I can always count on him to be there for me. Whether I am sad or scared he is the first person I think of. When I have a great day I think of him first. You'll know if he is the one. It is just deciding if he is worth the wait. I will wait as long as it takes. I try not to think of my son when thinking about me being with his father, because my parents stayed together for us and it was hard on all of us. I stay with him, because I love him. My son loving him too just makes it easier. I hope this helps.

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but if you are questioning the relationship, there probably isn't one.

K I will give advice from a kids point of view cause I was the kid in this situation with my mother. Of course it was hard on me to see my mom struggle as a single mom but most of the time it was harder when they were together cause they had to work SOOO hard that the few good times out of it weren't really worth it. I LOVED seeing my mom and him have good times together but they did that lets stay together for the kids routine for 10 VERY long years. The way that I see the whole "he's the one" thing is that there is not one specific person that you are supposed to be with but one specific KIND of person that brings out the best in you, the best in your child, and in return yall bring out the best in him. Every relationship takes a lot of work but who you CHOOSE to marry (I HATE the words settle down - CHOOSE dont SETTLE) will make a difference in just how MUCH work it takes to make it work and in how many good times there are vs how many bad times. When my mom finally asked me as a kid when she was trying to decide the same thing I told her this. . .If YOU think that they 2 of you could be happy and work it out and with or without us here and being together will make YOU happy then do it, if not then dont get back together cause youre making our lives more hell than anything else right now. So she realized then that though they have their good times that they more often didnt bring out the best in eachother and they wanted 2 different things out of life. The single mom times yes were hard but it gave my mom the chance to meet the wonderful person she is married to now and I wouldnt trade seeing the happiness that she has now more than anything. Yes you have your son to consider but in this intance its YOU you need to consider cause it is true when they say if moms not happy aint no one happy! What is best for you in this case is also best for you child. Hope this helps some. :) Best of luck! Dont be afraid to be that HAPPIEST you can be! We all deserve it! If he makes you the happiest you can be and brings out the best in you then by all means! Good luck! :)

Hello J.,

My input on your situation would be,if you are second guessing yourself then it is obviously not meant to be. That and the fact that the 2 of you have already split up for 2 years and seen other people. I was married to an abusive man for almost 8yrs, and I second guessed the relationship from the begining. We have 2 beautiful children,he gave up his rights to them though a year after we got divorced. I have to say though that this was the best thing that could have ever happened for my kids. You may think that it is in the best interest of your son for the 2 of you to stay together but in all actuality your son can most likely sense the tention in your relationship,and you all would probably be much happier if you did split-up. I hope that all goes well for the 3 of you and if you do decide to end it that your sons father stays in the picture. But if not then obviously that was meant to be that way also.

Good luck in whatever you do decide....

P.S. I have moved on and met the true love of my life and it is the best feeling in the world,with no second guessing or regrets....

T. I am a 31 yr old mom of 2 kids a 7yr old daughter and a 5 yr old son,I also have 3 step-children that are also with us full time.

Hi J.!

I just want to put a few questions in your head to ask yourself and BE HONEST with yourself...

Do you two fight a lot? Does your man show you affection? Is he a good father? Does he make you laugh? Does your son SEE this?
These are all factors to look at.
When you are in a relationship, whatever the child sees, hears, ect. is how they learn to relate to the world. Basically because you ARE thier world.

J.,

Its very hard to seperate from your first love, especially when you have a child together. I know how you feel because I am at a point to of making this decision, except for different circumstances. I feel that just because you have a child together does not mean you have to be together. If you are not happy now then you wont be and it will be a very unhappy marriage if thats the case. Kids can have a grat life without thier parents being together. Its nice and all but why be misserable at the same time.

I know how you feel I am also 25 years old and had my first son when i was 17 and i got married because it felt confertable and right ! It was not right at all we ended up having another child when i was 19 years and then we finally split when i was 20 years old and it was the best decsion i could have made if you stay in a relationship just because of kids it makes it very miserable .. I am now in a going on 5 year relationship with a good man but, there are problems and we now have 2 twin daughters togther and we were fighting all the time so what we decided to do is make a list of all the things that bother you about him and then make a list of things that make you happy about him and then sit down with him and see if he can't change the things that bother you and this might make things better it worked for me and now i know that we are togther because we love each other not just because it is cofertable. I hope that you can work out your life with or without him remember you are young and there is no need to rush into things just because of your child cause that will makes things for your child harder when he is older and he won't be able to hold a good relationship cause he never seen love betweeen his parents ... Good luck and keep us posted on how things come out.

N.

I've been in your shoes. We have a son together, and we got married when he was about 5. I regret this, because I ignored all the little things that I didn't like before we got married. Those little things grow and get worse.

So think about what really irks you about him. If it's something that can grow without bothering you too much, go for it. But if there are differences between you now, work them out (and make sure they're worked out) BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED. Marriage feels like hell when you're not happy.

you know he's the right one by how he makes you feel. Do you feel dread or happiness at the thought of him coming home from work each day? I have been with my husband for 8 years, and was friends with him for 3 years before that, and every day, at 3pm I start the count down until he comes home- which is at 5:30. Everyone has differences, but at the end of the day, do you have a desire to spend your free time with him, or do you just b/c he is there? Do you want to call him durring the day? That is another clue as to whether he's the one...like you said it is hard to know if you are just comfortable or right, but if you find yourself in the middle of a busy day, and want to call him, that should tell you that it's more than being comfortable.
Good luck!

regardless of what you feel, your happiness matters.... and no matter what anyone says, it's not healthy to stay with someone you don't want, if your questioning the relationship. even if you have kids. it's more harmful for them to see his parents unhappy than it is to be apart. he will get used to it, and he will see the independence you and your bf have. don't stay in an unhappy relationship. if your unhappy, everyone is :) good luck! Don't Settle!!!!

J., If you have any doubts about marrying this man, then, you should not marry him. If you wonder if there may be a better person out there for you, then, there probably is. My best advice I can give to you is to trust yourself. Don't doubt your gut. Your gut instincts as a woman, are usually correct. Go with your gut and pave a happy life for you and your son.

It's a very simple answer J., if you have any questions in your mind at all...then he is not the one. When the right one comes along there are no questions, no worries, no doubts. I know it's difficult because you have a child , but if you both love your son then he will adjust to the changes. And you aren't doing him any favors be staying if you aren't truely , madly, over-the-moon happy.
He needs to grow up knowing what love really is , and he'll learn this by seeing you in a relationship that really fills your heart.
This is really sappy , sorry,lol. It took my a very long time to find my husband, but it was worth every lonely night to get to him. No more worry, no more questioning, just living with my best friend.
You deserve that too.

I was in your exact same situation and was asking myself the same questions in a 10 year relationship. Unfortunately I did not listen to my instincts and later married which ended in divorce 4 years later. I think that if you are asking yourself these questions then deep down you do know it is time to move on. Making the choice to leave a comfortable relationship and venture into the unknown is very difficult to do. A close friend had given me this same advice when I was faced with this decision and I did not listen. Looking back on it now I should of. I wish you luck and don't be afraid to listen to your instincts, follow your dreams not someone elses.

Hi J... I am 37 and can say for the first time I have found "the one" you know that because you will want to be with that person every minute of the day, you can be at work and think of him or someone may ask how he is doing and you get a glow and an ear to ear smile... and most of all, you don't question your feelings for the other.

It seems as though you love him becasue of all the time and your son, however I don't think you are in love with him. You are very young and you should not settle becasue of the 8+ years or for your son, you deserve to be happy and if you are questioning it, than I don't think you are all that happy, I think as you said, you are comfortable... and you deserve to be in love and to be loved back the same way!!

Good Luck
D.

Hey J., i read your message. Not sure if i can help you, but i wanted to respond, with some type of advice. Lol it can't hurt.
I think you should outway your pros and cons. Yes, you guys have a child together, but is that really a reason to stick together. Its soooo much easier for your child to see you guys break up now that he is young, than for it to happen later on in life. However, you guys do have a child together, so do you see any hope in the future with him. You can never really tell weather or not your making the right decision. Life is all about chances. And when you make the wrong choice, all you can do is learn from it, and grow from it. If you love him and he loves you, and the both of you are fond of eachother, then i say try. You guys have a long history, and it will get dull and boring, thats inevetable. But thats life. You have to try to make it fun, and interesting, and instead of going out with friends, try a night out alone. If he makes you cry more than smile, theres your answer. If he is known for puting a smile on your face, and is happy with being a family man with you and your baby, then take a chance for the sake of your family. I wish you luck. Just try to do whats best for you and your son. If you want certain things, that your boyfriend is just not ready to give, and you feel like your being held back, then you need to make a move thats going to make you happy in the long run.

I know what you're going through, as I've been there myself. My daughter's dad and I were together for over two years, and our daughter was only six months old when we called it quits. It was really, really hard- not only was our daughter so young, but we had a VERY messy breakup. Now, my daughter is seven, and both her father and I are married to other people. We live only a few miles from eachother, and manage to co-parent very well despite having seperate lives. My husband and my daughter's stepmother are both very actively involved as well, as love her as their own. I know it's a very hard decision, but you and your son both deserve to be happy and achieve all of your goals. Co-parenting can be tough, but with some work it can help your son to see that both mom and dad love him despite that they're apart, and he should adjust eventually. My daughter actually thinks it's "cool" that she has four parents. I wish you the best of luck.

i hate to be so brash, but ... you would just know. you wouldn't be asking.