How Do You Know? - Buffalo Grove,IL

Whether he is or isn't, the lack of communication is going to separate the two of you. Counseling is definitely a good idea and I would discuss this with him. If he is resistant to it, that speaks loudly.

Invite him to bring his classmate/friend over to do homework at YOUR house.
:) Clear off the table, and the sofa and coffee table, and set out some soda/ cold water and some snacks. Then entertain your daughter with as little distraction for them as you can. You could even take her outside or to the park for part of the "study session". You don't want to hear the excuse that there are " too many distractions" to study at your house... so don't let it be a valid excuse. Even if YOU and your daughter makes yourselves 'scarce' during study time, hubby is HOME and has no travel time between, and you know exactly what he is up to. :) And that equals face time for your daughter... so she will get to know who he is again.

My first husband was a pre-med student and had much the same schedule as your husband has with school, studying and work. I don't know if he cheated on me -- I guess it's possible given the amount of time he had apart from me on a daily basis -- but I never had any solid reason to believe that he was unfaithful. One of the things that drove our marriage apart, besides his basic overall immaturity, was how low I was on the totem pole of his life. I was basically the only one involved in our relationship and I wonder if that is what you are experiencing with your husband now.

Now I know that when you work and go to school, you just don't have a lot of free time but I wonder if he has lost his ability to balance it all with his family life as well. If so, I think this is probably very common. I would talk to him about what you have been noticing, what you need from him and see if the two of you can work out a better schedule for the two of you. Maybe some couples counseling may help. But when you talk to him, make sure that you are doing it in a calm, understanding way. I've noticed that men can get so defensive so easily if they think that we are accusing them of failing us in some way.

Hope this helps put a different perspective on your relationship. Wishing you all the best.

One easy way to find out.

Ask him.

A distant husband could just be stress from too much to do. It sounds like he is avoiding you, yes, but LOTS of men cave when they are stressed. If he feels like he doesn't know how to deal with you or the baby or that he is messing up too much at home or that you are unhappy with him, he will withdraw. I doubt he is cheating. I bet a marriage counselor would tell you guys to make time for each other and start dating and having fun with each other again. Can you guys drop some of the chaos from your life?

I wonder why you go straight to cheating with your concerns? Is it because of a dream you had or has he given you other reasons to think he is? It sounds like you are unsure of where you fit into his life because he is so busy. How are his grades? If he is passing his classes and his work is getting done then you can probably assume he is working as hard as he says he is. My husband is in school full time and works full time with the Army. When he is not deployed he is busy and rarely home anyway. My daughter went through a hard time adjusting to him being around when she was that age because he deployed when she was 6 months old for a year and a half. When he came back she had no clue who he was and didn't want him around her. I would suggest your husband keep trying without forcing her to accept him and she will come around. He needs to try not to let it hurt his feelings because she will come around but if he shows her he is upset she may do it to get back at him as she gets older. (my daughter still does this after a deployment) Counseling is never a bad idea and it sounds like you may want to go on your own if you can't go together because I suspect you have some insecurities that you need to address. Trust is so important in a relationship and if you lose it then you lose something very special in your marriage. I hope you can find it again before it's too late. Good luck!

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The distance you are describing is what can lead to cheating, for both partners. You have to have this talk with him, tell him how you feel, dont accuse or really even ask, just let your worries be known.

He may validate or alleviate your concerns. Either way its better than being in the dark.

COMMUNICATION is key in a marriage.

Talk to him.... DON'T confront him. You have a lot going on being pregnant, having a little one, him working to support his family, him getting more education to better support his family.

He'd probably be pretty hurt to know you are doubting him.

COMMUNICATE

My baby's father just admitted that he had cheated on me... three years ago. I kind of knew by instinct (he went missing for 8 days, in the same city where his ex lived - he never got over her, he told me when we were just friends). It took him that long to admit it. I asked him about it at the time, and he denied it. But your intuition knows.

That being said, I am kind of surprised I can move on from that and not dwell on it so much anymore.... I actually feel better knowing the truth and being able to move on, than not knowing. I wish you luck - I don't know if your husband is cheating from what you say, but it does sound like he is not being the most supportive husband and father he can be... you are pregnant and caring for your older daughter pretty much on your own, it sounds like.

Please talk with him about seeing if he can help you out more, and spend a little less time with friends for now. He needs to focus on you to make the marriage work. Best wishes.

Hi C.,
You're in a tough situation on several levels and it is clearly causing you stress. Whether or not your hubby is cheating, there is something not right with the distance and lack of communication between the two of you. What was your relationship like before you had your first baby? In other words, is this a change, and if so, can you start talking to him about it? At a minimum he should know that not having him around is very difficult on you and your whole family. With baby #2 on the way, it will only get harder, and you will need more support and presence from him.

Good luck and hang in there, it sounds like you're about to take some needed action!

Why would he be @ a friends house doing homework he is a grown adult that can study for himself i'm sure there needs to be times to study with a pal or the other woman but really every weekend are there kids over there?Maybe he is distancing himself from his daughter the noise don't know just go right up to him & ask him no sense in worrying about it day after day you want the answer go right to the source of it your husband

I think the bigger issue is with everything that's going on, he is not making enough time for you and the family. Of course his job and education are important, but there needs to be balance. Perhaps he could have his study group come to your house. Either way, he needs to reconnect with you and his daughter - there is nothing more important with that. Even if you can identify one night a week to be home and one weekend day to devote entirely to family life, then that could be a start. Good luck!

i dont have experience with this but i would say youd just have to have a feeling. Either way what is going on with you two is apparently not working for you. That means there needs to be a change. Either he needs to set aside a day for family, or you guys need to get to counseling (probably the most important) Even if it is nothing, this isnt working for your family. My husband and I are both in school and we spend far more time with eachother than you two do. He needs to re shift his priorities

I think you are overly sensitive about your husband. College and family never mix. I think people are crazy to try to attempt going to college after having children, especially for an engineer degree. College is a full time job, and I remember when I went to college that I spend at least 10 hours in the library on weekends alone. Your husband has a challenging major, and I done study groups myself, because I also had a challenging major too. You said he will graduate in March, which is odd. College graduations usually fall either December or May unless his college has a trimester schedule. He is almost done...senior year is a challenging year. I couldn't study with a 10 month old hanging around either.

If you think he is cheating does he get dressed nicely and puts colone on or shaves before he leaves? If not, he isn't cheating. College students usually put a pair of sweats and out the door.

First off, let me just say I am so sorry you have doubt in your mind. It must be a terrible thing to sit and wonder, BUT as an outsider it would seem like he is just REALLY busy and tired. I was cheated on by a live-in boyfriend in college and know the hurt and distrust you can have. Just be really careful on how you handle the situation. If he is not gulity of cheating, it will be hard for him to forget the accusation. I feel so bad for your situation (especially with added hormones) and wish you all the best.

sounds like there is a good chance he is on the weekends at the "friends doing homework"

I am a SAHM.
My Husband works full time... and goes to school. He is VERY busy.... even if he is home... he is very busy and we don't see him... because he is in his office studying.... he works and studies, 7 days a week. Day and night.
Going to school, while also working... full time.... is VERY grueling. It is VERY busy. My Husband, rarely has time for "us" or the kids. BUT... he will make time.... for being with the kids. AND, he also does his own thing, going out with friends after work or doing hiking with buddies on the weekends. So... he is still very busy.

My Husband however, does not go to study with "friends". He studies on his own.

BUT, my friend's Husband, who was also going to school AND working a full time job... DID study with friends.. BECAUSE they had "group projects" and it was the nature of their degree program. It was required... GROUP projects... which also entailed WEEKEND work and weekday nights.... to get projects done, and meetings with the Professor.
For my friend's Husband... the Program Advisor and the Professor... CLEARLY warns and tells ALL couples... that attending school while being married and working... is VERY tough on couples and on the marriage. And completing a degree can take years. There have been... couples that divorced over it... because school took SO MUCH time... away from family demands. But their school degree program, was also VERY demanding. And so... clearly, it is not easy.
Going to school AND working AND having a family.. is NOT easy at all.
AND it is very STRESSFUL.

So.... having this kind of schedule, is VERY intense and busy. It is NOT easy to be working full-time AND going to school. It is a 24 hour 7 days per week.... responsibility.
It is NOT easy... and it is VERY stressful.
I am, like a Single-Parent... because my husband works AND goes to school. It just is. But I am proud of my Husband for doing it and keeping a 3.8 grade point average.... while being a family man and a working man.

Sure, I have had dreams too, that either one of us was fooling around. BUT it is only a dream.... which reflects, insecurities, of myself... or pent-up frustrations from past relationships in which the guy was fooling around. IN the case of my Husband... I KNOW he is NOT fooling around. I TRUST him. I KNOW what he is doing and where he is going... and I can always call him on cell... and he will also call me to let me know what he is doing or if he is held up or not running on time.

Next: your baby does not know her Dad very well, because he is hardly there and does not spend time, with her. So, this is a baby's reaction. SO... your Husband, SHOULD NOT get bent out of shape about it... nor take it personally... because, she is only a baby. He is NOT a baby. He is an Adult. So... he should act like a baby. A baby.. is not a little grown up.... and he NEEDS to educate himself, on baby development TOO.... ie: The book "What To Expect The First Year" is very good and I recommend that for him and you. Or the Book "What To Expect: The Toddler Years."

Next, your Husband's schedule demands... make him a non-participant in the family. So this is a problem too... about which BOTH of you NEED to talk about it. So that... he is not just a room-mate, but a HUSBAND and a DAD.... who is stepping up to that responsibility.

Just because my Husband is so busy with work and school... it does NOT make him "exempt" from household responsibilities nor family time nor time with the kids or me. He knows that. So, he will try to make time. No matter how busy... a Husband is still a Husband, and he is still a Dad... and a PART of the home. If your Husband does not act like part of the family or home... you BOTH need to talk about that and problem solve that.
For example: his friend calling your Husband to study and your Husband just dropping everything and leaving the house... is real selfish. He HAS TO... be a Man.. and tell his friend... "No, I can't. "
OR... your Husband should tell the friend to come over to study at HIS house. TELL your Husband that. Study at your home... and his study buddies can study at your home, too.

If you think your Husband is fooling around... well you have to figure that out.
When your Husband is not home and busy with work or school... do you ever call him on his cell? Or call him for anything??? Your Husband, SHOULD be reachable by cell... and be responsive to that... because, what if there is an emergency? You are pregnant as well. But regardless... any Spouse, SHOULD BE reachable by cell phone... and you can call that spouse any time. I do. I call my Husband and he answers my calls. Simple.

If you want to go to marriage counseling... why not just ask your Husband??? No sense just "assuming" he will not. Just ASK him. You never know, unless you ASK your Husband or talk to him.
For ANY problems a couple has... you cannot solve it unless you TALK about it.... and tell your spouse about anything you are concerned about. Otherwise, you will just be wondering forever... and not getting any answers.

all the best,
Susan

Most of the time you already know... some signs but it doesn't always mean someone is cheating. gone a lot, accuse you of cheating, making private calls or goes out of the room when someone calls, checking texts, stays out late, some times the sex is actually better, other times you aren't getting it at all...when he's going out does he shower and look great, is he lying about other things?
I think you should ask him, be honest and up front. It's going to bother you a lot until you talk with him. Marriage is about open communication, about being honest with each other. Sounds like he has a lot on his plate right now, with another child on the way. You are pregnant and he's not around. Your imagination might be getting the best of you...
Hoping all is well with your marriage!

There is no way to know without digging deeper. None of us can tell you what your husband is doing. He is the only one that has the answer. I watched a show on this and the response to that question was "because you think he/she is" you have your reasons to suspect. The circumstances you list in addition to your pregnancy make it easy to use that as an answer. That being said, don't go looking if you're not prepared for the truth. Many of us (myself included) have checked various records on line,cell, email, credit card etc... To find proof. Once you have that proof, now what? Put him out till you get so lonely and fearful of losing him, that you take him back? (doing so gives him the power in the relationship and he will likely cheat again) or ignore it and act like you don't know. Neither is fun so before you go down that road, really think about it. I agree about discussing with him but you have to listen. If he gets angry or defensive rather than trying to communicate with you as an adult. Something is up... Good luck with the new baby and know that we have all been there in one form or another. You will move forward and life does go on!

When my husband cheated....I found emails, pictures, cell phone calls, he stayed out late, no sex life, he lied to me, was very distant, drank alot at the bars, he didn't act interested in the kids or anything we were doing. He would leave the room when getting phone calls.

Hope all works out for you and the kids.

I went to school and worked full time for the last 3 years and can tell you there is a heck of a lot of homework to do and most of it was group work. You didn't say if his group is going to this house or if it's just him and a buddy. Does the buddy go to school as well? If not, is the buddy maybe helping him understand math problems? As a student, I figured out who knew what and who can help me get thru and trust me, I spent plenty of time with my neihbor Bob when it came to trying to understand math problems.

I'm guessing he's leaning on this buddy to help him and/or if and when he tried studying at home, I'm guessing you were hoping to depend on him witht the baby (as I would too).

At 10 months, the baby without a doubt will be more attached to you espeically if he's hardly home. I can also say that my 5 year old is very distant with his dad and it's because my husband didn't find time to bond with him when he was younger.

Your husband will have to learn how to balance work, school and family.

As far as his cheating ways. Once he cheated, I'd say there's a greater chance that a) he's still cheating with that same person (why would he stop)? or b) if for some reason it did stop and you "forgave him", it would be that much easier for him to cheat again because you forgave him the first time around, why not again.

An easy way to figure it out is to ask him to allow you access to his phone records and if he gives you access (that includes text messages), you can see who and how often he's texting. If he doesn't allow you full access, I'd say without a doubt it's because he doesn't want you to have the proof you are seeking.

Can you be hormonal? Sure, but it goes alone with being pregnant and he doesn't seem to be putting your emotional needs first.

If he doesn't want you to have access to his records, simply ask him to swap phones with you and see what his reaction is. If he says he needs it for work, the least he can do is allow you to pick it up and see who is texting him. He does owe it to you to prove he has nothing to hide and keep in mind, you didn't do anything wrong so don't feel bad about quesitoning him. If you aren't in the habit of picking up his phone and checking it, chances are there would be text messages in the phone (you'll need know the phone in and out in order to figure out how to find text messages sent out).

But, he can delete them as he gets them, so the best way to really prove it is to have full access to his phone records and take a look at what number he is texting the most and give that person a call.

My cousin is going thru a very similar situation as you are and she took a 12 hour recorder that runs on batteries and placed it in his truck and then listened to it later and she heard him talking to someone that she suspects was the other girl and ironically, his voice had changed to a sweeter voice. When she confronted him about it he claimed he was talking to a buddy.

Being pregnant, you have to be careful of what you really want to find. Are you ready to leave him if you find he is still cheating on you? It's an emotional roller coaster for her and she's now living with us because of his cheating ways. To this day, he still wont admit it even tho he wont give her access to his phone records. They never will admit it.

Stay strong and figure out what you will do if you find out one way or the other if he is.

Good luck.