How Do You Get Your 4 Year Old to Do Things the First Time You Ask?

My boys are 11 and 8. They need me to remind them about things multiple times.
Shoot, my husband is 37 and I have to remind HIM about things multiple times.
L.

WOW - you have gotten some great answers. This is the most uniformly good, specific and effective group of answers I believe I have ever seen on this board. Flowers to all.

A 4 year old isn't a little robot. They aren't supposed to immediately obey you. They're supposed to be having fun and learn to listen as they grow up.

At 4 they're still not in a developmental stage to do what you're asking each and every time. It's a learned skill and until they get to concrete thinking. Once they get that developed pretty good they go into a more abstract thinking and processing.

You can't ask a 4 year old to instantly obey and at the same time expect them to learn any independence skills that will be much more needed as an adult.

You don't want a child that will instantly obey you. You want a child who has a personality strong enough to withstand peer pressure and know how to say no, even to an adult.

You don't want a Stepford Child.

I think everyone's answer has some valuable insight. It's true that it will help if you make eye contact, be very specific, tell, not ask, be consistent, etc. It's also very true that this is not a natural behavior for a 4 year old. They are busy in their own little world most of the time, and they don't have a very good concept of time.

When I saw the title of your question, I wanted to say, "I don't know. How do you get your 7 year old to do things the first time you ask?" Kids, especially 4 year olds, do not want to stop what they are doing. They just don't. So you really have to get their attention and stay on top of them if you need them to do it quickly or right away.

Consistency and follow through!

I stopped giving my 3.5 year old second chances. If she didn't do what I told her ( AFTER I made sure I had her attention, got down to her level, and gave her very specific, clear, age appropriate directions. I also made sure to give her an advance warning, like "alright, dinner is in 5 minutes. Finish building your tower." ...) then she would get to sit in time out for a minute. (I made it clear that she was in trouble for ignoring Mommy.) Then I would tell her again to do whatever it was. After a while of no-second-chances, she got a LOT better about doing things almost right away. Even now, if she doesn't listen all I have to do is ask her if she is ignoring me and she will jump right to whatever it was I told her to do.

P.s. the advance warning was a HUGE game changer. Once I added that to what I was doing before (same thing, just no telling her that we were getting ready to change activities.) she stopped having issues almost overnight.

If you ever find a way to get a four-year-old to do things the first time s/he is asked, patent it and you will never have to work another day in your life.

Dear mom,
i too have a 4 year-old and it was like pulling teeth to get her to do anything anytime I asked... Until I realized that her father and i were guily of asking her to do things on the fly. Meaning that it was always an offhand comment I was rarely looking at her, it was sometimes in a string of numerous requests, or she was in the middle of doing something and not really paying attention anyway. So i started asking her to do 1 thing at a time, i make sure She is not doing anything else and looking at me. I am down to her level and meeting her eyes, and that she understands what i want. It also helps to make it a game or fun domehow. Let me tell you, it works wonders!!!! I rarely have to ask her twice but you just have to take the time to do it.....

Well, don't ask, TELL.
It's time to get into your PJs, do you want to wear the red or blue ones tonight?
Let's go brush our teeth.
Time to get in bed, have you picked out a story yet?
If he doesn't want to eat dinner, fine, just wrap up his plate but remind him if he gets hungry he needs to eat it by x-o'clock (whatever time you start the bedtime routine.)
At this age you're still very much a part of the routine. Asking them to do something is a recipe for the word NO, so don't ask, just take his hand and go do it.

I don't ask, I tell, but I still have to say it 5 times to my 5 year old. He's busy planning his world domination, I guess. Now, after the second time, he gets a warning. It drives me crazy, but there are much worse things. And I know he'll be an independent thinker.

Advance warning. "In two minutes, it's time to brush teeth." And make physical contact during this warning. Rub your son's shoulder, place a hand on his arm, anything to make him hear your words. Make eye contact. Even an "are you listening? Two minutes."

When it is time, your voice should be enough to get him going.

I think your bar might be set a little high.

Get the book 1-2-3 Magic.

.... and how, do we get a Husband to do something, the 1st time we ask?
Child or adult, this "problem" can be at hand.

With a 4 year old, you need to allow a lead-time in things.
So say, you want him to brush his teeth at 7:00pm.
Start the PROCESS, earlier. Give him a verbal head's up. Beforehand. ie: "after you play, it is brush teeth time. 15 minutes...more."
Versus saying "Brush your teeth now."

2) Have a kitchen timer. And use it. When it "dings" its a "cue" for him to do things.

3) Assist him in the process. Because he is young. No kid, will be totally on auto-pilot, and just do, it. Even Husbands are the same many times. LOL
And don't nag. Just help your son. He is young. Most young kids dawdle. or don't want to stop what they are doing. So with my son when he was younger and who is now 7, I would just go up to him, look at him at his level, say in a nice voice "Son, time to brush your teeth, come on..." and I'd take his hand and walk to the bathroom. And hand him the brush. And he'd do it. And I'd try and make it fun. Because, to a young kid, the WHOLE process is ages, long. Too long, for them. A young kid's sense of "timing" is vastly different from an adult.
And often they need to be inched along.
And even having to change clothes and into pajamas, by themselves, can just be a LONG process because it is a chore.
So help him.
He is only 4.
One day he will do it more often and by himself.
Just not yet.
Go by your son's cues.
And don't ask him to do things RIGHT at that time. Give him a head's up. Kids need to be "cued."
Pad in a lead-time... ahead of time... so that the whole process is not drawn out and then, too late.

Mamazita and Marie are right on. I use all those strategies with my 3 and a half year old. I have had great success with the choice/choice idea - for example, "time for breakfast. do you want cereal or a bagel?" It really seems to move her past the idea that she has a choice about the non-negotiable parts.

In my opinion, it also helps to have little treats or privileges that can be linked to behavior. If we speedily get through the bedtime routine, there is time to read the long stories. If there is dawdling and procrastination, the story is short - or we just don't have time. That's a great motivator when she's spending five minutes arranging her toothbrush.

Good luck!

Here's what I do for all of my children. (I have four sons, ages 13, 10, 4 and 2.)

Reward the positive behavior. For example, my children earn "screen time" if they respond the first time I ask them. Yes, I make sure they heard me for it to count. My kids know that if I call their name, they respond with "yes" and I don't say or do anything, that means that they need to stop whatever they're doing and come to me. If I call their name, they respond with "yes" and I give them an instruction, they know that they need to do whatever I've asked.

We are very strict, but loving parents. Yes, I make my 2 year old say, "Yes ma'am". All of my sons do it. We are a "yes ma'am", "no ma'am", "yes sir", "no sir" household. We force them to use manners and to treat us with kindness and respect. We treat them the same way.

When any of my children does something that I've asked, I immediately give him a lot of praise. My 10 year old (with autism) responds well to a reward of computer time. My 13 year old responds well to computer time and praise in front of his dad. My 4 year old responds well to TV time and praise in front of any of his brothers or dad. I always try to find what works for each child and focus on that.

If they don't listen right away and I have to ask again (and again), it is frustrating. In those instances, after they have completed whatever task, I then thank them for getting it done and ask if they would please do it the first time the next time I ask.

For the most part, I have very polite and respectful sons. I get tons of compliments from their teachers, Scout leaders, church leaders, etc for the way they are treated. They rarely talk back, because we don't tolerate it. As someone who works with teenagers, it's refreshing when you find youth that will treat people around them with respect.

That being said, as hard as it is, I always try to focus on the good things they're doing, not the bad. Of course, we talk constantly about good choices having good consequences and bad choices having bad consequences. It's what works for us.

Getting a 4 year olds attention is really important, eye contact and make sure they are truly listening to you. If there is something after whatever your son needs to do, and this next thing is something he wants to do, that can help. I often can motivate my son (he just turned 5) when I tell him he needs to eat so that we can go to the park (or whatever we were going to do). For bedtime, books can be good motivators. Something like, when you're done brushing your teeth and getting ready for bed we can read the new book we got from the library (or a favorite book). I even use things for the next day, you need to get ready for bed so that you can get good sleep for the play date with your friend tomorrow. He doesn't remember these things usually, but when I remind him, he gets excited and will do what he needs to do.