How Do You Explain Illness and Eventually Death to Young Children?

Try to find the book "Freddy the Leaf" it is out of print now but I find it at resale book stores and buy them up to give to families greaving a loss. It is FANTASTIC!

M. in Wauwatosa, Wi

TAKE THEM TO SEE THEIR GRANDPA! Illness and death are both normal parts of life. Unless your kids have been locked in a room with no windows and no TV or videos and no contact with other people, they have both already been exposed to the ideas of illness and of death.

You do need to prepare them for the hospital visit, just as you would prepare then for their first trip to the library or their first plane flight or their first day at school. Preparing them, in this case, doesn't mean a full blown explanation of the process of illness and death. It does mean that they know that the are visiting grandpa in a hospital because he's sick and the doctors are trying to help him feel better. Tell them some about hospitals in general - that you usually need to be quiet, that there will be other sick people there, doctors, nurses, other people visiting their grandpas and grandmas and moms and dads,etc. You might also ask if they'd like to draw a nice picture to take to grandpa or a book to read with him if he feels up to it. Make the visit as normal as possible. Answer questions as matter of factly as possible but take care not to over-answer. We have all heard the jokes about a kid asking where their little brother came from and the parents going into full blown explanations of sex and reproductive organs only to find that all the kid was asking was more like "where's the hospital?"

If grandpa gets sicker, do explain that the doctors and nurses are doing everything that they can to help him feel better, gradually incorporating the idea that sometimes things wear our or break and can't be fixed. Again, be careful not to over-answer. It's ok for them to know that you are worried about grandpa and sad that he's sick. Grief IS normal and natural and can't be avoided. Losing a loved one hurts - and it's ok for them to know that, too. If you're a Disney fan you know that lots of their movies talk about the circle of life, watch some of those movies together.

If you are religious (I am) you can also talk about heaven and the fact that our bodies are just the houses for our souls/spirits, the idea of heaven, the idea that when our bodies are too worn out or broken to be fixed we leave our bodies behind but our spirits go on.

Make the most of the time that is given.

We recieved a great little brochure/booklet by Mr Rogers called Talking With Children About Death from the funeral home after my Grandmother passed away.
In this booklet, Mr. Rogers eases fears about how to speak to young children about death. He provides meaningful answers to commonly asked questions and feelings.

*There is also a book for young children that he wrote called When a Pet Dies which is a good one for the loss of a beloved pet

Don't offer information to them unless they ask directly for explanations. Death can be overwhelming for a child and very scary if they're not ready for the information.

Have your children make art for great-grandpa and do everything you can to get them excited about going to visit him. Very matter-of-factly explain that he is there because his doctor needs him closer by for tests. Let the kids visit him and make it a cheerful event for them. If they see you worried and nervous, that will be their reaction too.

the best way to teach about death, is to teach them what the bible teaches about death and our future that the bible promises, of having our dead loved ones back here on the earth as also promised, with the resurrection of our loved ones, back to this earth, then they understand more clearly , and they also have a hope and a goal to work towards so they can see them again, if you need more information please contact me, thanks, i am a bible teacher and teach many what it really teaches, D. s

There are some great children's books about death/grief at Borders/Barnes and Noble. They are from a series called "Elf-Help Books," and they will help you get a dialogue going with your children. But keep in mind that they are still very young, and do not have the same emotional responses that we do as adults. (I.e. Don't be shocked if they never cry, or transition quickly from sadness to wanting to go out and play). I would definitely bring them to the hospital, though. It will not only benefit them, but it will probably be a joy for great-grandpa as well.

Anticipate questions like, "Are you going to die?" and "Am I going to die?" and be prepared with how you will answer these difficult questions. When I told my daughter that Grandpa was going to die this is where she went immediately. We tried to be honest and reassuring, but when Grandpa's funeral turned out to be on her 3rd birthday, we celebrated her birthday early. I didn't want her to have sadness connected with her birthday. I found that praying was really helpful. We prayed as a family every night for Grandpa. It made us all feel like we were doing something, even though there was nothing we could do about losing Grandpa. My daughter still remembers Grandpa in her prayers and we continue praying every night for people we know who are sick etc. and need prayer. Drawing can be really important if kids have trouble expressing feelings verbally. You might encourage your children to draw what they are feeling. My daughter enjoyed telling stories to Grandpa when we went to visit, and she made him drawings and a big sign that he could read without his glasses that said simply, "Elise Loves Grandpa." He went from room to room in the hospital and then to hospice. The sign went up on the wall in every location.

It might be a good idea to go to your local library. Your children's librarian will probably have some good suggestions, or at least be able to point out some books that might give you some direction. Even books that talk about life cycles (for your five year old) might help. Good luck.

When my daughter was 4, my brother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. He was a daily fixture in her life since the day she was born. They were very close. I sat down with her and told her in very simplistic terms that he died and how. I gave her the opportunity to ask questions and answered them honestly. She wept for all of 5 or 10 minnutes and then asked me is she could go color now.
Little children accept life on life's terms more than we give them credit for. If we are honest with them.I think it is important that you at least bring your 5 year old to the hospital with you if you can. This will help him with his grieving process when the time come when great grandpa does pass. It will help realize that illness & death are a part of life.

First of all, I am sorry for the trying times you are going through. To watch a loved one suffer is so hard. May God help you and your family through this time and the times after.

It is important to explain death to them. If you don't say anything and he simply disappears then they will be scared you will too and have seperation problems.

I would take them into the hospital to see Great grandpa, it will help them understand that he is sick and you are healthy. Also point out that hospitals are for making some sick people healthy again so if you have to go in it doesn't scare them. If they want to know why they aren't making grandpa healthy again, you can explain that when you get to be that old, your body gets worn out and sometimes it gets to the point that God wants them to live with him so they aren't sick and hurting anymore. My kids were older when I lost both my grandmothers and this seemed to explain a lot to them. My youngest was around 9 and he had a lot more trouble then the older two. At the funeral when he was crying I told him "close your eyes and tell me what you feel?" He closed his eyes and they popped back open after a minute and he said "Grandma Lois!" I could feel her spirit at the funeral and I know he did too.

We've had good luck just being honest with the kids. We took them to see their great grandma when she was in the nursing home. Those visits gave great grandma joy to see the children. The kids remember the visits, too. We didn't tell them that she was dying or that she would never be the same. It was just a visit to see her. If they asked questions, we answered in terms they could understand. "Why does she have a tube in her nose?" ..."we all need oxygen, and that helps give her an extra boost." They seemed to understand that she was "old" and needed extra help. The kids treated the visits as normal because we did. Today, another of their great-grandmas has failing health. We don't take them to see her because she has turned mean (has alzheimers bad). When the kids ask why we don't see Nana, we tell them she's really sick. They "get" it on their level and ask they ask questions as they mature, we answer honestly. They take away from it what they can handle. Good luck!

Keep it simply and honest. Sometimes the simpliest explanation answers their questions. If they as more keep it short and sweet. But do not lie to them or hide it. They see everything and need to be reassured

K. - there is a place in Omaha, NE called "The Centering Corporation." They are a huge resource for bereavement and have multiple books on the subject for children. Their website is: http://www.centeringcorp.com/catalog/index.php. I used to refer people there all the time in my previous position.

We just lost my grandpa (my son's great grandpa)to an illness that he has been struggling with for some time. I made sure to take my son to the hospital to see him with all of the tubes and gadgets removed so that he would have a good memory of him. My son is only 3 but I did take him to the funeral as well. He doesn't really understand the whole death thing but he does know that his great-papa is with Jesus and watching over us because we have talked about it quite a bit. I would definitely encourage you to take your kiddos to see him while he is at his best.

Personally, I'd explain that sometimes, when we get old...we get sick and sometimes, our bodies are too weak to fight the sickness and sometimes, our bodies die and our soul's go to heaven. (I've had many opportunities to talk about souls and heaven to my daughter) I started explaining the soul by telling her that that's what makes us smile when we're happy and cry when we're sad. Our Soul is who we are and the things we like and dislike. We only need our bodies to live...but, our souls go on forever. I also started explaining that when we die, our bodies get buried in the ground, and we will miss their touch and their smile...but their soul gets to go to Heaven and be with God where it is beautiful and all your favorite things are in Heaven. Then, I started explaining other people that are up in Heaven already and waiting to see us until it's our turn to go to Heaven when we get old, old, old. Even pets are in Heaven. Then, explain that Grandpa's soul may go to Heaven soon and we will miss his body and his hugs and his voice,...all the things that go along with his body, but we will be happy for grandpa because he will be in Heaven with all our loved ones that are already there and Grandpa will no longer be in pain from his sickness.

I'd also take them to see him...it may be their last memory of him, even if it's not a great one, but they will see that his sickness truely is taking control and it'll help them understand his passing since they will have seen his body suffering from pain.

We did the same thing with our daughter when she was 2.5 and she was lucky to see her grandmother (who wouldn't eat) before she passed just 4 days after our visit. Our daughter was able to accept it because she could see that Grandma just didn't want to eat and she wanted to go to Heaven and end her pain. Now that she's in Heaven, we can be happy for her, but we will miss her until someday when we're old, old, old like grandma, we'll die too and our sould will go and see her again in Heaven. (Our daughter will even now speak of her Grandma who didn't want to eat and is in heaven.)

The key is to try not to make death scary and about saying goodbye, etc. If you believe in Heaven and God, then you also HAVE to make yourself believe that we will see our loved ones again in Heaven.