How Do You Do It All and Not Lose Yourself or Resent Your Spouse?

I don't have any advice, but thank you for asking this question. Everyone seems to post either HUGE issues with their spouses, or instances of things being rosy and perfect, and I always feel like I am the only person who feels EXACTLY this way. With my first child, it got better after his first birthday. (My husband just isn't a baby guy. I get that.) I am hoping the second goes the same way.. Anyhow, good luck to you, and know that you are not alone!!

Being a mommy is NOT for sissies, huh? Lol
And it will take some planning ahead and prioritizing on your part.
You husband can do the bath a few nights per week.
Just tell him.
You can stop and grab a bite with a friend (or a book) after work O. night every week or every other week.
Let him know a day ahead that he NEEDS to be home by X:00 that day & to get the baby her dinner, bath etc.
Don't wait for him to line up the planets for you.
Make a coffee or walking date with a friend O. Sat or Sun morning every month (other moms get up early too!) and GO!
IME, if you wait for it to "happen," you'll never get our of the house! Lol so, make it happen!
Your husband deserves to succeed at being "everything" to his daughter--e en if its for 2 hours at a time! He will step up to the height at which YOU set the bar. Good luck!

This is what happened after our first was born. Basically, I sucked it up for a long while. Then, when my son was about 8 months old, I reached a breaking point. Like you, I was doing it all. And like you, I think all I really wanted was some sleep. I basically sat down and poured it all out to my hubby. He was overwhelmed and a bit flabbergasted. He felt like he was helping. He was "getting out of the way". So after a long heart to heart. He learned that I was completely overwhelmed and exhausted. He learned that I was jealous of his free time and escapes. I learned that he was a bit afraid to take on baby duties on his own(which really surprised me). I also learned that he thought I just kind of wanted him out of the way so I could handle things. And I also learned that when he says something like "you need anything?", I needed to be specific and give him a job. And not answer with "I got it."

Relinquishing controls IS part of it. You will have to let go a bit. You will have to let him do things his way. And you will have to bite your tongue a lot and just go with it. You also need to talk to him. Not go on attack mode. NOt yell and scream. Talk to him. Let him know how you feel. Acknowledge his feelings too. I imagine running his own business with a family to support is a different kind of stress, but a very real one. And work on a plan.

Our plan was to trade of weekends or weekend days to get up with the baby. I breast fed too. On Daddy's days, he brought the baby to me and then took over when meal time was done. Even if I couldn't sleep any more, I would lay in bed and lounge. Just to get that down time. ANd days I could sleep, I relished in it! Seven years later and we still do the trade off. :) I also learned that sometimes I just need to take the time out. I just needed to tell him "Saturday, I am doing X, I need you to stay with the baby". Even if it was simply running errands or going to the grocery store, it was time off. I tried to also learn one every few months to do something fun for me.

And we both understood that we needed to take time out for each other. Stress, lack or sleep and a new baby can cause some disconnect. We started date nights. Occasionally, we actually left the house, but many times, it was simply something we did together after baby went down for the night. Movies, cook together. Sit out on the back porch chatting. Nothing fancy.

We had similar issues pop up with our second child. I think we both recognized it and could be a little active at making things better.

And I still have times where I get jealous. He comes home and tells me his plans. I have to come home, check the calendar, possibly line up a sitter, make sure meals are ready and the timing on everything is just perfect. But I also have to realize that I created this scenario. I made this the "status quo". That helps to give me some perspective. I think the fact that hubby acknowledges and appreciates all I do also helps.

I encourage you to talk about it. Don't continue to bottle it all up.

Have you told HIM any of this? That's where you need to start.

First of all, hire a housekeeper - at least twice a month to do major cleaning.

Other than that, I can't answer your question. Most females do more than most males, IMO.

This is pretty standard in homes with new babies where moms and dads are both trying to figure out how things are going to work. We moms think the way we do things is the ONLY way to do things and we're not always easy to let hubby take things over. Most men, by nature, will not just figure out what needs to be done and do it. You have to instruct them specifically. I'd suggest something like: "In order to relieve some of my stress I'm thinking that if you got up in the mornings and got baby fed, cleaned up and ready for the day I could start my day much less stressed." remind him that you take on all evening reponsibilities.

I truly belive that these new hubby's think that life will go on with out any change to their personal habits and routines even once baby has arrived. In those moments of clarity when they suspect that wife is doing the lion's share of the work they bury those thoughts in order to keep the status quo from disturbing their emotional balance. And we allow it to happen!

First of all get a cleaning lady. It's not an option when you're working full time. It will be such a relief to have a clean house, even if it's only once a week. Once you've had the discussion about what he's going to take on (mornings?) let him do it. Don't get up, or get up and get off to work, etc.

Since he has his own business why is he going to the office in the evening? Can't he do much of it from home? In this day of tablets, small computers, scanners, etc.?

It seems that most moms take on the baby responsibilities automatically - it's some kind of instinct to care for the baby that came from your womb. Men have no such instinct. Maybe their instinct is to work harder?

My kids are now 13 and 16 and it's taken a really long time for my husband and I to get on the same page. It's pretty good now. But those years with babies were tough. Little ones require parental care and a lot of it - of different types at different ages. You'll get tired, you'll get discouraged, you'll fantasize about your husband's funeral after a tragic accident (only kidding - a little serious) but if you tell your husband in a kind way, encourage him (even when you have no energy to encourage yourself) and nudge him gently it will get better. It will probably NEVER get to 50/50 in these early years cuz, let's face it - they are usually never as concerned about the house, clean dishes, etc. they way we are.

Relax your standards around the house, hire a cleaning lady, hand off the bill paying to him, don't fret about putting baby in mismatched PJ's and get some rest. Maybe, just maybe if he walks into a messy house, with dishes piled high in the sink and no clean laundry to find you asleep in bed he'll understand when you make recommendations for tasks that are now going to be his responsibility. DO NOT criticize his work or tell him "the right way" to do things. Smile and walk away. Then go for a walk on Saturday morning. Wake him up long enough for him to realize he's got the baby this moring. If baby has to cry for a few minutes she won't be permanently harmed. She won't - I promise.

Good luck mama - this beginning part is tough but I promise you if you can make it through it all (when they're 1 - 3 it'll be the two of you insisting its the other's turn to watch him when you're at a party together: "I've been watching him for the last hour while you're chatting with your friends - can I please go get a beer myself?") you'll have a better relationship on the other side. And once the kids are older THEY clean the bathroom and load the dishwasher while you read a book. ;o)

First, I can't do it all on my own. I can only do *some* of it.

What helped me most was doing what other moms have suggested: be direct with your husband about what's going on for you. I found I *had* to be assertive and take the time that I asked for. I found I had to let go of controlling how my husband spent time with our son and just let him take baby out. I had to ask for nights out to reconnect with friends, earlier bedtimes, and sleeping in. At least one morning on the weekends, I'd nurse Kiddo and then tell my husband to take him to another part of the house so I could sleep.

I also became better at letting a few things go. Dishes and laundry *will* wait for a short time, so if I need a nap for that half-hour, so be it. Guys who are rested simply don't understand our need for sleep. I coslept so I could nurse and we could go back to sleep with minimal fuss, and I was still exhausted. Sleep was like a lover I'd sneak off to!

Let your husband know that you need some time to do your things too. Then, don't budge when he starts to go off and do something else when he's supposed to be parenting. Put it on the calendar, even if it's only a couple hours of crafting-- MAKE it a known priority. Don't come out of that space/room, even if the baby's fussing. Let your husband know that you think he can handle it. and if he really can't, that you WILL be getting that time back on the calendar. Good luck!

I had the same problem. Talking didn't change anything (except for maybe a day) and hubby even had the nerve to tell me once "you need a hobby". How on earth did I have time for a hobby when I couldn't get 1/2 hour to read once a week? I flipped out...again, nothing changed.

My daughter just turned 6 and about a year ago we had a serious heart to heart (which started with a letter to him)...I was ready to call it quits. Things aren't perfect now but they are better. He finally "heard" what I had been saying for years (I have a 21 year old who was 3 when we started dated, and we have a 6 year old together so it was not just 5 years in the making but rather 12 years by the time I reached my final breaking point).

I strongly suggest you lay it out for him...I get up at xxx and take care of baby until sitter arrives and I leave for work while you sleep in, I rush home to relieve sitter while you stay at work and/or take your time coming home, I hand things in the evening (except playing with her), I get up with her during the night while you sleep. I am not a single parent so I need help w/ the heavy lifting and I need down time too. Since you don't hear her wake in the middle of the night, I can handle that but I need you to be up with her in the am. Figure out how to handle the evenings, if you are still getting home first and need to handle dinner let him either handle clean up or her bathtime routine (or alternate). And schedule time for your down time too.

Okay:
1) Your Husband is still acting as a solo man. He is NOT acting nor thinking like a "parent who has a baby", yet.
So it is TIME he get it and steps up. How?
2) YOU TELL HIM WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO.
3) He has a BABY now... and YOU need to tell him what to do, because he is not doing anything... and it just going about his OWN things.

4) At what point.. is he going to REALIZE... that he has a baby and he is now a DAD... and ALL OF THIS REQUIRES HIS PARTICIPATION.
Period.
So since he does not realize any of this, you need to tell him.
Hopefully in a calm manner... because once a woman starts "nagging" a Man shuts down and acts like a toddler.

5) DO NOT... treat him like a "hotel" guest. He is not.
TELL HIM, what you need him to do. WRITE it down and post it up on a poster... and on the wall.

The problem is: you are doing everything. But... you are not telling him... what he is responsible for.
The thing is: you'd think this is all COMMON SENSE for an adult "man"... but for some guys, you need to spell it out for them.

NO ONE, is "exempt" from household duties/child care and rearing/chores/errands/cooking etc., once they have a child and are a family.

AND YOU NEED to, on your calendar, just TELL HIM, when you are going out for whatever reason even if by yourself, to do whatever you want and to get a break. AT those times, HE NEEDS to care for the baby and the house.
And since he does not seem to know how to do these things: you need to TEACH him how. He needs to LEARN... HOW TO BE A PARENT AND A household member.
Show him, how to bathe baby, how to change diapers, how to watch baby so that he/she is safe, CHILDPROOF the home, HAVE him read books on it, etc.
HAVE him do these things while you are at home, so that you will know that he is doing it and learning it, NOW. So that, when you go out.... you KNOW he will and can do it.

Its about time, he realizes, he has a BABY. It is HIS, too.

Not getting any sleep, once you have a baby... is how it is.
Your Husband, HAS TO REALIZE, all of these things.
Sleep and having your own time, is hard to come by.
Even when a child gets older.
For the 1st year or two, not much sleep is attained by the parents.
Child development and phases, is how it is.
So, your Husband, has to CHANGE is outlook.
It just is.

It sounds like most of us women. We may work outside the home, but we have designated the home to be our own business. In order to not feel resentful I can't tell you not to do things, but you can decide what you do not have to do. Watch and you will see the time go away, so if you like to walk now, get a stroller that is amazingly comfortable and walk with little one. Want to read? You could go sit in the library, some have parts where you can sit baby in something while you jiggle the bouncer and read a little, or make reading at home a priority and skip the dusting. Of course you feel resentful as you have become your own boss at home and feel guilty if you do not do everything. There is nothing wrong with a can of soup rather than chopping things for six hours and tossing it in a pot all day. You have time later when baby grows to do lots of things. It is really hard to change what you have been doing without causing a little shock, so perhaps one thing at a time and nice (I have a tendency to attack- like this 'you didn't let me exercise all week or take a shower so I am now a fat slob'. It can be turned into
'would you take the baby and let me have an hour long bubble bath while I read a story about a woman who has a governess and lives on an island with her long lost romantic lover and baby' and shave my armpits? Any man would be thrilled with at least one part of that whole conversation and if we feel good about ourselves I think they get a little more houchycouchy.Where we all get this I better do this stuff -is beyond me.
We are so hard on ourselves and hate the guys who then offer to watch the baby and we have to make sure they do THAT the right way. If he is crawling on the floor then the baby might get dirty and if he is dancing with the baby we are convinced he will drop it. Let us get on with our lives and take care of us no matter what the circumstance. Hubby is not going to get how important it is, they are not us. So it is important for us to get how important it is and take care of ourselves while we still can.

You need to start by talking to him. He may not be aware and is under the assumption that your current situation is working.

This sounds similar to my first several years with babies - except my husband was a stay-at home Dad!

First off, I suggest you tell him you want to do a "catch up on sleep" morning on Saturdays. If he doesn't wake up when baby wakes, then wake him. Roll over and TRY to go back to sleep. If you can't, lay there and learn to trust that he can take care of the baby. Eventually, you'll reach a point where you can get some extra sleep. Worst case, sit there in the bed and read while he gives you some time "off" on Saturday morning.

GOOD LUCK!
e

LEAVE.

No, I'm not kidding. Leave. Go away for the weekend. Away doesn't have to be far, it doesn't have to be glamorous, it just has to be away. You will need three nights away from it all to actually get out of your interrupted sleep cycles and catch up and feel human. I think you should therefore book Fri, Sat and Sunday night, check out and report to work on Monday morning.

Both baby and hubs will be alive, although possibly a little frazzled as a consequence. You, on the other hand will feel gloriously restored.

Baby is old enough, constitutionally, to get through the night without feeding. If Hubs actually sleeps through all the fussing, you may have accomplished a cry it out method improvement to baby's sleep woes, and be none the wiser. If he gets up and attends to her, that's fine too.

Do this the first weekend of the month for the next 6 months. You won't believe how well it works.

J.M. this won't necessarily have your spouse become more responsive, better at anticipating your needs, or more understaning of your overall exhaustion, but what it will do is guarrantee that you get to recharge your own batteries.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

You are going to have to "schedule" your events...because getting in the bath and reading a book is your event the same way going to an indoor bike riding place is his event. Making a craft (we have several crafty type stores that offer classes and/or workshop space to go craft in) is an event for you...so find the time and schedule your events. For instance tell him, on Wednesday night from 7pm until 10pm I am going to be giving myself some "spa" time at home...I will not be available to take care of little one. If he balks, let him know you could schedule spa time at an actual spa that will charge you a bundle for the same time or he can be on duty and you can do it at home...soak in the tub and read, do your nails, etc etc etc.

I used to schedule evenings or weekend mornings to go out to run errands (but I took a book and went to Starbuck's where I ordered a coffee and sat and read for two hours and then went home).

Also, you need one morning a week Saturday or Sunday when you get to "sleep in"...have him pick it and then you get to sleep in and he gets up with baby and gives baby a bottle and you sleep until your breasts will no longer allow you to sleep (yes, they will get engorged a bit...but it will be worth it in the sleep deprived department).

You have to make time for you...he isn't going to suddenly say, "hey honey, why don't you go to bed early tonight while I stay up and keep little one...you go get you some extra sleep"...he has no idea how sleep deprived you are!! because he isn't deprived at all...!!!

I scheduled several nights a week where I went to bed at 6pm...yes, 6pm, and DH was on duty until midnight. Unless child was bleeding from his eyes and required a trip to the emergency room I was not to be awoken until after midnight.

So make a new schedule and present it to your husband and let him know this is what you NEED...make sure he still has evening to go out and ride or whatever...but put yourself on the schedule!!!

Sending you a hug...it does it easier/better as they get older, but not for a few years yet...

With a 6-month old, the mom is generally going to do more of the care. That's really just how it is. BUT, it gets better as children get older. As others have said, talk to your husband about this. Don't address is as "I feel resentful of you," but rather "I need your help." You definitely deserve time for yourself, and you need it or you will lose your mind!! Ask him to come home earlier from work a couple of nights a week. What would happen if you didn't "rush home"? MAKE your "hobbies" important! Set aside time for you to do what you want, including take a nap. I totally relate to your post, and I feel for you! This is a difficult time of adjustment. Tell your husband you need him as a team-mate, and things need to be more fair. If he gets to go bike-riding today, then you get a few hours to do something tomorrow. As far as the weekends, plan something for yourself (out of the house), and tell him he has to stay with the baby. Make a plan, and do it. He'll step up. Good luck to you!

Had anyone told me, before I had kids, that 85% of the parenting would be on me...I'm not sure I would've gone through with it.
So part of this is...it just seems to be your job as a woman. And it sucks. But I don't know any woman who doesn't feel this exact same way.

That said...you need to take "yourself" back! And no one but you can do it.
Let him handle bath and bedtime. Pump and give him an overnight feeding. He's made it 6 mos in your good graces of doing everything...time for him to step up to the plate.
While he's doing that...make yourself get out of the house. Remember what it feels like to have a life other than being a mom. Go for coffee, go get drinks....schedule time with him to come home early so you can have dinner with friends.... Whatever. But YOU have to do it. If not, the resentment will only get worse, and as a guy, he just doesn't realize that things are unbalanced.

Something DH and I do, which seems to surprise a lot of people...we alternate wake up days on the weekends. Always have...but I never BF. He gets up with the kids (4 and 2) on Saturdays, and I do on Sundays. That way one of us always has a day to sleep until we wake up naturally. And if you want to go out for a late night the night before, you can sleep it off. :)

Oooooo where do I start. Can't believe you waited this long. I guess I'll tell you what happened when I had my munchkin, and how we handled it. When we brought our little bundle home, I had images running through my brain that DH and MIL would help out and everyone would be so happy, especially since they were the ones that wanted a baby anyway. Yeah, right. They left baby and me upstairs by ourselves, thinking we would bond more through being together more. They told me I didn't need to go downstairs, because they would bring everything upstairs to me. Yeah, right....Ok, DH did bring me my meal and he did get me lobster....The meal was ice cold when it came up. The baby cried everytime I tried to take a shower and wouldn't sleep!!! I asked for a TV and DH said no, it's too much of a distraction and that I could read. By the end of 2 weeks, I was going completely insane and knew I had to do something. I couldn't wait until the "guards" had used up all their vacation time from work. I told them that I suspected I was starting to get Post-partum depression and that if they didnt' do something, I would throw the baby out the window. (No, I would never do that, but I had to make them realized I really needed some time away from our "bundle of joy.") It worked. They made up a schedule, where each person took care of the baby a certain time. I felt so much better and actually fell in love with my new baby. Everyone needs a little time to themselves every now and then.

Your situation is a little different. I don't know if you have friends or family near by that can help you out, but you have to be persistant in asking for help. Your DH needs to stop going to the park to ride his bike. He can exercise at home. He needs to realize that he is now a dad and his freedom comes second. Right now you and the baby are top priority. Remember the old saying, "If Mama isn't happy, no one's happy." Come up with ideas and schedules, and demand he help. Don't feel bad about having him get up to feed the baby a bottle. Being able to just lye i bed is a wonderful feeling. Ask relatives to baby sit for a few hours, so you can get out a little bit, even if it's just to window shop. Mommies need time too.

As moms our default is usually to just "do it ourselves" But then when we are worn out and overwhelmed we get aggravated and resentful.

Pick certain days and TELL him, "You will need to get home to relieve the sitter because I am going to______."
Or "Make sure to come home early or on time tonight because I WILL be reading/taking a bubble bath/meeting a friend for coffee."
Guys (not all) tend to not "get it" when it comes to the kids, and the fact that we don't want to be on duty every waking and non-waking second of our lives.
You have to be straightforward and stern. And stick to it! One night after you've told him he needs to get home, GO OUT and get some quiet time. It may not be sleep, but it will definitely help!

Updated

As moms our default is usually to just "do it ourselves" But then when we are worn out and overwhelmed we get aggravated and resentful.

Pick certain days and TELL him, "You will need to get home to relieve the sitter because I am going to______."
Or "Make sure to come home early or on time tonight because I WILL be reading/taking a bubble bath/meeting a friend for coffee."
Guys (not all) tend to not "get it" when it comes to the kids, and the fact that we don't want to be on duty every waking and non-waking second of our lives.
You have to be straightforward and stern. And stick to it! One night after you've told him he needs to get home, GO OUT and get some quiet time. It may not be sleep, but it will definitely help!

I disagree with the previous poster who says it has to be this way for the woman. It isn't this way for me.

I will start out by saying that I am a stay-at-home mom, so it isn't quite the same situation. I do most of the childcare because that's my job. In addition, my husband works long hours and is often off to work by 6 in the morning, so he doesn't get to sleep in. But when he comes home at the end of the day, we're both on duty until the kids go to sleep. As he says, with all seriousness, "I get off work when you do." Since he works such long hours and is gone before the kids are awake in the morning, he's in charge of bathing our kids, getting them dressed for the night, etc. when he gets home from work. On weekends, we share that duty, but on weekdays, it's all his. Then, we both come in for storytime and bedtime, and we both clean up the kitchen after dinner. Then we both get some downtime afterwards!

You are right that you need to relinquish some control, and it starts by assigning him a job during one of your "talks" about this. Then, leave it to him to do it. Don't hover over his shoulder and tell him he's doing it wrong, just be available to help the first couple of times in case he needs it. And accept that he isn't going to do it exactly the way you do it - and this is probably okay. Since your Hubby is home in the mornings, I propose that he should do the child's morning routine instead of you, so that you can get a little bit of extra sleep since you've been up several times at night.

Let him know that the imbalance of work is starting to make you resent him, and see what he's willing to work out. I hope he'll listen. Good luck.

This was me and my husband to a T. 8 years later not all that different but the kids are easier. Take naps on the weekends is one thing. I also started seeing movies alone sometimes. They're such an escape. Otherwise, this isn't that unusual and eventually it'll get better. Just remember you're not a victim. Do what you need to do. And take ownership for rushing home. My husband would say to go do something after work. I couldn't do that! But I accepted that was my decision and not his fault. I really distinguish between choices I'm making and what I have no control over. Typically I have control but it's more impt to me to be with my kids since I also work ft etc. It really helps the resentment to pinpoint what I'm doing to myself in a way. Also, take a sick day from work too if you can once in awhile and save some vaca days for just you. I did that today and feel so much better! and on weekends, make your husband take the baby out for an hour or two so you have the house alone. To this day my husband gets to sleep later everyday and it kills me. He doesn't get that if our days end the same time, when kids are in bed, but i have to get up earlier for work, my days are longer... He says I get home from work earlier. Sure but that's not relaxing time!

I literally have to tell my husband what I need him to do and when. He's most accommodating when I'm direct and don't assume he knows my thoughts. I would try to talk with your husband to change things and get time for yourself before resentment takes over. I don't mind doing more of the work if I know my husband is at least trying to meet me in the middle

My suggestion is to not try to do it all. In addition, Make a deal that for every hour he is doing something but not working that you get equal time to use as you choose.

I never tried to do it all, can your sitter cook? Are you willing to pay her extra to fix meals 3 days a week? Or is there someone in your life you are able to make an exchange like that with?

You control your feelings - resent is hard to move past, did you discuss all of these things before baby? If you never did then he does not know you need help, if you did and are finding your previous thoughts are wrong then you need to revisit needs. Either way it seems you need to talk with him and figure out new ways of making this work.

I agree with planning something for yourself on the weekend to get some you time as someone else posted. You need to recharge. OR maybe Dad needs to take your little one out Saturday afternoon, so you can relax for a few hours at home. When I am feeling like this, sometimes I also have to remind myself that my kids are my hobby. I really don't have time for more right now and I remind myself that this is okay and when they are grown (in the blink of an eye, I'm almost half way there), I'll have all kinds of time for books, art and other things. No, it's not exactly fair at this point, but I'm okay with it most of the time when I change my perspective. Don't get me wrong, there are the occasional nights when I'm doing dishes and look over at my husband playing a videogame and can't help but say, "Having fun in there?!" sarcastically (I'm terrible), but there are also nights when he volunteers to do the dishes and puts the kids to bed himself, because he knows I have a work deadline. You might find that your husband gets more involved when your daughter is older. Men are funny about baby care sometimes. My husband really stepped up more when we were past the baby stage.

Just make some small changes. You can make some more changes later after you master these. For example, I would explain all this to him. In a nice way. Tell him you are feeling burnt out and overwhelmed. For me the first change would be have dad give baths at bathtime every night. Make it a habit. Another change is pick 1 day a week that he rushes home to relieve the sitter so you can leisurely get home...and one morning a week where he gets up early to let you sleep in. Pick some small changes and try to make things more equal between you. Also, start demanding time for yourself. Your time is important too. Set aside a "date" with yourself to recharge...Your hubby takes the baby on an outing while you get in some reading or he watches baby at home while you meet up with a girlfriend to do some crafting. Start doing this once a month...then gradually do it more often.

From what I am to understand running your own business can be just as time consuming as a newborn baby. Not sure if thats how it is for your husband, but I'm guessing it is time consuming.

But this does not mean you don't deserve a break. From what your saying it sounds a lot like myself however, I got to catch up on sleep during the weekend. All of this wouldn't be bothering you IF you got to catch up on sleep.

And keep in mind for the most part, the beginning is hard, but it does get easier...and then harder in different areas. However, at 7 and 5 now my girls do sleep through the night and I am able to get a good nights rest. It took quite a few years to get here though.

You definitely sound like you need a break, I would talk with your husband to work something out.

Just plan something for yourself for the weekend, and tell hubby in a matter-of-fact way that you have this plan and will be gone from x time to x time. Then go. If he says he can't watch baby, then leave it to him to find the sitter and pay the sitter and rush home to the sitter.

I would also put a stop to his going back to work at night and sleeping in late. He can come home and stay home and get up at a decent hour.

When my kids were young, we had the exact same schedule every single day. Like we always got up, ate, played, went to the park, took a bath, etc at the same time. Now my kids are 16 (step dtr), 13 and 10 and we have a schedule also. Maybe your husband can do bath and bed time each night while you go on a walk, or take a bath and read? Or if he goes to bed and gets a full nights sleep, then he can wake up and get them ready while you sleep in. My sweet husband does that now. He's up at 6:15 and lets me sleep until 7 or later and wakes me with a cup of coffee. So sweet because he is a morning person and I am NOT. lol So talk to him and tell him you heard that it really is great for the kids (and it IS) to get on a schedule with both parents involved and see if he will agree to do some things. Good luck!

first, naps are awesome - take them when baby does on the weekends - OR if baby isn't and you feel like you need to, hand off baby - "honey, i have got to get some sleep. please take care of baby for two hours." (this also works because you can read for 1/2 an hour beforehand!)

you can also go to the mall or a bookstore and relax. know what i have done- and it's a secret, don't tell! i have told hubby i was going to the mall, and taken a book to a park and read for an hour. not suggesting "lie" necessarily - but i definitely get what you're saying about wanting to just have some downtime. make a point at least once in awhile to go out on your own - EVEN IF your "preferred" hobbies are more "homey", get out. help hubby become comfortable hanging out with baby. if you "force it" by leaving - you will find him helping out more, even when you're there.

my husband was unemployed when i had our son. within a couple weeks he had a new job - great pay but AT NIGHT. ugggh. i literally felt like a single mom, the first year, until he got on a better shift. i feel your pain, i really do.

hubby doesn't sound like a bad guy. some men just don't fall naturally into the caretaker role. you can help him. you don't have to resent him. no matter how many "theoretical" conversations you've had ("honey, sometimes i just need help!") - just coming right out and being direct and specific can do wonders. ("honey, i have been SO stressed out lately. tomorrow can we plan for you to take care of baby for awhile so i can go to the mall/get my nails done/go have coffee with someone" etc)

I also did the majority of the baby care, but I also scheduled my "me" time. Saturday morning were mine to go to yard sale-ing, shopping or out to breakfast with fiends etc. One Saturday night a month I did a girls night out. A couple times a year I did a girls weekend away. Sometimes I would just say "give him a bath, I'm going for a walk". I didn't take a whole lot of me time, but what I did take was really important to me. As a SAHM getting some time away from the kids was really necessary for my sanity!

try to work it out that you get Friday, Saturday, Sunday nights where he is up with the baby. Or alternating nights where he gets 3/7 of the week.

Just a thought!
M.