How Do You Be Less Needy.

Hi, C.

I think first you need to cut yourself some slack. Your hormones are crazy when you're pregnant and they are most likely affecting your outlook on everything. A pregnant friend of mine recently became absolutely convinced her husband was having an affair. He wasn't. Luckily, she realized in time and was able to laugh about her paranoia and things are OK.

It's normal for you to be freaked out on so many levels right now. Personally, I would try to limit the work calls to emergencies since that is what he requested. When you're tempted to call, write down what you want to say and see if it can't wait until later (and not the moment he comes in the door - then he might feel bombarded and avoid coming home!). Try asking him to set aside a little time after dinner or after the older kids are in bed for just the two of you to be able to talk, even if it's just a half hour at first.

In my experience, when women are pregnant, we worry about SO many things. My husband, on the other hand, goes into what I call "caveman provider" mode where his focus (obsession?!) becomes providing for the family financially. I want more help and support at home, more emotional availability but he has less time because he's worried about providing for another child and being "the man". He thinks he's doing the very best he can to support the family but it's a different kind of support than I want. lol I think it's just one of those Mars and Venus things.

I think the suggestions of the other ladies to find a moms group or some kind of activity where you can be around other women (who understand) is a great one. Also, make yourself a list of all those nesting things you need to get done and start working on them. Clean out the scary hall closet, work on that scrapbook you've been meaning to do or move those VHS tapes to DVD. Whatever - just so it's something to keep your mind occupied and help the time pass. And cut yourself some slack. Really, your body's not entirely your own right now.

You are not alone. The challenge is to learn to be able to meet more of your own needs (whether by yourself or through female friends) instead of looking to a man (even your dearly beloved) to meet all your needs. That's like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread. I think men just aren't wired that way.

Best wishes to you!

Husbands are often not helpful during pregnancy. And we are just written off because of "hormones". You should talk to a counselor or lean on a girlfriend who would understand. Also, I would stop calling him for a while and keep yourself busy. Everytime you want to call him, do something nice for yourself instead...buy yourself flowers, give yourself a manicure, etc. Let him chase you. Relationships are like waves with ups and downs. Some men use their work to escape...especially from responsibility at home. And they get to look like the hard working husband when they are really just tired of our nagging and the work of the kids. Hang in there.

i hope you are doing a little better- for some reason i found pregnancy to be sort of a lonely thing - it was the hormones! i am an outgoing person and always busy- being pregnant slowed me down and i felt tired and a little sad (not about having a baby, but i felt alone)
understanding what your body is going through is a good step toward getting stronger.
not all men are rude- hopefully your husband is just frustrated.
have you sat down (when he is good and relaxed) and just had a chat with him ? maybe start with "you know honey, i have realized that these hormones really have thrown me for a loop. maybe laugh at yourself a little- and then mention that it isn't something that you have any control over and simply ask him for his support. give him something specific, like- could you find the time to call me during your lunch just to see how i'm doing and tell me how great i am? (the idea is to be cute and fun)" maybe if he realizes you aren't attacking him or trying to control him- he will respond better????
do you have any mom groups, friends for support, church group? you need some good people around you.
you need to find a way to be happy with you- it would be great if you could talk to a professional- (that does not mean that something is wrong with you!) it is just smart!
there is a book called "boundaries" by john townsend - it would be a good help toward feeling strong and knowing how to express your needs and not being taken for granted, also in realizing that you can't control him either. you will drive him away if you continue to try.
tell yourself over and over- set your mind- "i am strong, i am beautiful, i am smart" every day, throughout the day- don't give up!
you have already been so smart and strong to reach out for a network of people who aren't in the same position! (very wise)

Like some of the others said- maybe some interests of your own outside of the house would help distract you, and maybe - he would take an interest to ask you what happened in your day etc. Does he wear a suit or carry a brief case? Maybe you could slip a little card or love note in every once in awhile, when he finds it maybe that would provoke him to call. If he doesn't carry a briefcase, maybe you could just send one in the mail - with or without a return address. When he is not traveling, maybe you could show up at his office with or without the kids and surprise him for lunch, either bring it in, or take him out. My husband doesn't travel, in fact we see each other all of the time. I used to be a stay at home mom, and when it became time ($) for me to go back to work, I was lucky that I was approached by the people who own the property where his shop is to come and work for them. So while I don't work with him, we are on the same property all day, and I see him a bunch, and I was able to take our daughter to work there (she would go back and forth between us) until it was time for her to start preschool. On thing that we like to do, is plan "family fun days" where we go and do something fun like a park & picnic, or movie night at the house with all the lights off, the surround sound on, popcorn etc. Good luck!

I think that yo uneed a really goor girlfriend that you can talk to. My husband's parents own a family business and my husband and I worked together there for a really long time. In October I felt like our girls were really missing out on a mommy and I quit. I was very used to being around my husband all day and talking about everything. I was also use to knowing every detail of his job, because I was there. I would call and he would say I am busy. I would go in to the office and bring him his favorite lunch and he would sit in his office on the phone.

I did a few things that have made me feel less needy for him.
1. When I want to call him I try to think of who I can call instead, because let's just face it we are women and we need to talk about things to someone.
2. I write a grocery list. Lets also face it that there are things that we need and want to talk to our husbands about. Then when he has time to talk you have your list so that you do not forget to share something with him that is important to you.
3. The last thing I have really concentrated on is getting involved in things that will distract me. I joined a small group Bible Study at our church. I would check out www.mops.org and see if there is a group near you. This will help you get to know women who have little people at home just like you.

Good Luck! My heart and prayers go out to you. Being pregnant is one of the hardest things we go through

Hi C.,

I didn't notice your age and am not sure if you mentioned it. I have been where you are and now that I am 40 and my husband 50 years old, I find myself not worrying about these things any more. Of course he doesn't travel away from home much.
I wish I had a clear answer as to how you can stop feeling this way. I think being pregnant and a stay at home mom can make any female feel insecure form time to time depending on the situation. Also, marriages change and that can also bring insecurity and uncertainty. I suggest trying to find something for yourself. Maybe a workout program after the baby is born or a day to shop or some type of class. Maybe a weekend job that gets you out of the house while family watches the kids or maybe a trusted babysitter.
I would like to say that men should be more understanding of our feelings and hormones but most of the time I have found that we have to spell it out. Women are known to be better communicators and I think it is fine to just put it out there to him. Why not just say that you feel his staff or collegues know more about him than you do. If he asks you to call less, tell him how that hurts you. Even if he gets mad, it is all about perception and right now, you view his attentiveness to you as a measurement of his love. You are pregnant for pete sake. Hope this helps.

I feel for you, and I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I, too, am away from my husband often, but I am the one that has to travel for work. But what makes our marriage great despite the days apart is communication. When I'm away, we talk usually just once a day; I usually call him (since my schedule is the one that varies) in the evenings, shortly before I go to bed or before I know he will be. Great time to catch up, because we can recap each other on our day.

So, two things...1) I understand in some respects why your husband may not want so many calls throughout the day...it's difficult to hold personal conversations when you're busy at work or around co-workers/customers. But more importantly 2) You need to have an open conversation with him about your feelings, in person. He should sensitive to your feelings and needs, but at the same time, you also need to be willing to compromise, and respect that he is working.

I do think, however, if he is unwilling to try to understand your feelings and talk things through, then that's a problem. No marriage can work without communication and compromise. He should feel so blessed that he has a wife that loves him so much. And given your current state, being pregnant, it's really no wonder why you feel you need him so much; it's a very trying and difficult time when you're pregnant.

On another note, I found a great website where you can meet other moms in the area and hopefully you'll be able to make new friends and help keep you occupied while the hubby is away: http://gulfcoast.momslikeme.com.

Do you think he is cheating? I have a hard time beliving he could cheat on his pregnant wife, but I do think you guys are in vicious circle. He is not answear your phone calls, then you get upset, then he start lie because he doesn't want to make you more mad, then you get more mad because he lie, and so on.
I don't think you are been needy but instead scare that you guys are getting apart. I feel bad because when we are pregnant we are very vulnerable, and I imagine that no matter how sad you get you still have to put a happy face to you other baby. I wish to that it was a magic pill of "I don't care" unless until your baby born.
I think he is the one that should brake the vicious circle but I am afraid is going to be you. Don't worry we will think in something.

C.,
I agree with alot of the advice you've gotten so far. You definately need to find something that interests you and stimulates your mind. Get in w/ a Moms club so you have women to talk to. I don't know your age, but I remember being young and insecure with my husband. Doing the same things you are, calling all the time, demanding that he spend every extra minute w/ me. That tends to push people away from you. Once I found my own "thing" (hobby that I loved) I didn't need to call him so much. I got busy w/ something that I enjoyed. I was also really jealous when I didn't need to be. I can look back now and laugh about it. The difference here is that you've got babies that take alot of your time. 3 is alot to manage. And I have to stick up for him a little here- don't forget, it's alot to provide for. He's under pressure too. I know your hormones are running wild,and it would be nice to hear his voice and have an adult conversation after talking with the kids all day everyday, but you've got to let the man work. They don't multi task. They have to either work or talk- not both at the same time. And sometimes the talk is about work, which can be frustrating too. LOL But be fortunate and grateful that he is working, and you don't have to also contribute an income. You are very lucky to be able to stay home w/ the kids. Alot of people aren't. Show him some appreciation for that. As someone else said, relationships change... Yours will too. Make time once in awhile for each other and remember the reasons you fell in love. (Before the kids came into the picture.) A marriage is always work. Having little kids is hard for the first couple of years too. But it does get easier. Eventually you have time for each other again. Well- I didn't have 3 kids so I'm not really sure about that statement! I don't say that in a mean way, I just know people with 3 kids and they are always on the run. It makes them really appreciate each other when they do get time together though.
Get a hobby, get some good mom friends and take care of you. Everything will work out. He may even start to miss all those phone calls and start calling YOU instead. I hope the best for you...
J.

C., sorry to hear about your situation. i obviously cant really tell what type of person your husband is, just by your discription, but you might try what you mentioned,(about not calling him so much.) i know you miss him and want to stay in touch with him, but being too "inquireing" about alot could possibely make him feel like you dont trust him. (he might not remember what color shirt he wore.) maybe not "intentionally" trying to lie to you. i dont know what will fix your problem, but it might be a good idea to let him come to you about what happened/how things went. if you keep up your inquireing so much, theres a possibility you could "drive him away" further. he sounds like a good guy,that loves you. i think if he was cheating or anything, he probably wouldnt want (anything at all) to do with you when he is home.

My responce may not be the best advice BUT I would not call him for 2 days(maybe more)to see if he called you. If he called.. great, say you've been busy with the kids doing kids stuff, you all miss him but are coping with your new responsibilies with him being away. If he didn't call after 2 -3 days call to say... sorry I missed your calls we've been so busy doing kids stuff, time is flying by we miss you but will see you real soon. Play up to the secretary get her on your side, get her to pass on your messages rather than pester him. Never be a pest he wants to avoid, keep him interested and wanting more... I told you this may not be the best advice, but...

""When he is not traveling, maybe you could show up at his office with or without the kids and surprise him for lunch, either bring it in, or take him out."" VERY BAD IDEA!!! Do not surprise him!

I feel for you, C.! You're pregnant and raising 2 small children by yourself, and now you're feeling neglected by your husband. I just want to give ya a hug!

When you're pregnant, emotions are magnified, so instead of feeling a little upset & a little lonely, it's major hurt... times 10!

You need to pamper yourself and treat yourself extra special right now because your husband can't. You didn't say if you had family near you to help with the kids, but if not, get a baby sitter a couple of times a week. Do things that you would like - but don't normally do ... spa day, massage, movies, walks on the beach, paint pottery, have a pregnancy portrait done, meet your girlfriends for dinner, etc.

Call someone else when you feel like talking to your hubby. Anyone - family, friends, people you've lost touch with, etc. You need to get him back to the point where he wants to call you, not avoid your calls. When he calls you, chat happily and don't give too many details about your day - be a little mysterious. Don't ask him for a play-by-play of his day, either. Just ask for the "highlights" of his day. Always be the first one to say that you need to hang up. If it's at night, say that you have to get to bed because you have a big day planned for tomorrow. If he asks what you're doing, be vague. I guarentee that he will call at least once the next day to see what you're up to!

Just remember that he loves you and he's trying to do his best to provide for his family. It's not the ideal situation, but you have to try and make the best of it. Your emotions during pregnancy effect your baby. If you are stressed out and depressed, your son's health may also suffer.

I will pray for you. Good Luck and God Bless!

Well I am sure you know that being pregnant does not help those feelings that is for sure...
What do you do with your time alone? Maybe you have way too much time to think about it. Remember God made us to help our husbands and sometimes making them need us more makes everything else fall into place. Of course putting God first will always make things fall into place, but that is your decision.
If you are interested in talking more feel free to contact me. Either way I will be praying for you.
Many blessings to you and your family.

Hello C., There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, it's ok feel this way - you are pregnant. You are so lucky to have two girls and so fortunate to be able to stay home. Congratulations on you baby boy on the way! My suggestion would be to stop calling. When he calls you, let it go to your voicemail...Check your voicemail, call back only for important things. May is around the corner...Start making a scrapbook of you and your girls doing girly things together. Snap pictures of each activity for the next month or so. Capture the shots and create memories together. Your girls will have fun helping you to finalize the nursery, have picnic at the park, go to the beach, bake cupcakes, pack your hospital bag, prepare big sisters outfits etc. While your husband is home with the kids (weekends), try to schedule an appt. for a spa pedicure, meet your friends for coffee etc. It's very important to do "me time" The happier you are as a person, the happier and better you are as wife and Mom. Please let me know if you would like to meet up for a playdate or girls night out. I'm total opposite, my daughter keeps me super busy. I only have one child, but she requires so much time...I don't call my husband unless it's an emergency. We do lunch once a week and sometimes we exchange some text messages...I want him to focus at work without any interaptions. I think personal phone calls over one minute are unprofessional. He works so hard so I can stay home with our daughter. I don't want something like that take him away from growing professionally. Personal phone calls are big NO No in a business world. In my previous executive world, I have fired individuls for abusing it...