How Do I Tell My Husband........ - Killeen,TX

Updated on April 14, 2009
C.R. asks from Killeen, TX
38 answers

How do I tell my husband that he needs to lose wieght without hurting his feelings or making him upset. I have tried to encourage walks and bike rides and the wii fit. Here's the deal though, He is in WTU because he was hurt both times he was deployed and his back is messed up and his left foot and leg are messed up. He needs surgery on his back to fix it. He has told me the the bike rides help his back but the wii fit and walking hurt him more. So I have put up the wii fit and done away with the walking. I do put veggies, fruit, and healthy snacks around the house. My thing also is that he doesnt hardly eat during the day then eats supper and then after the kids go to bed he eats non-stop till he goes to sleep and it just sits there on his stomach and he doesnt sleep well. I have told him that eating right before he goes to bed messes with his sleep. Ever since he has been in WTU he has gained wieght. At first I thought it was just a phase but now he isnt doing anything to help himself and I'd like to know what I can say or do to help him. I'm an active person myself. I love to go for walks, bike rides, hikes, the wii fit, anything that keeps me active. But he doesnt want to do any of it. I know this is a lot but it has been bugging me for awhile. It has been almost 2 years since he's went to wtu. wtu is for wounded warriors trying to get fit for duty again. we're also waiting for his coad. (continuation on active duty)

Ok....he is seeing couseling and therapy and they have given him "excersices" to do to keep fit but he doesnt want to do them. He isnt depressed, he does take a lot of meds. There are a few things he can do to help himself and i have tried to help him but I dont want to be in a "parent-child" relationship with him. I'm his wife, and yes I have been VERY supportive of him and he has told me so. I am not a nagger nor do I argue, fight or anything with him. We have great conversation he is a great guy, I just want to help him feel better about himself, bc he doesnt.

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So What Happened?

Hi everyone. Thanks for all the great advice I got from you all. I know that it was a sore spot and it had taken me awhile to get on here but I wanted to help my husband positively rather than bluntly. We have talked and he is going to help himself and I am going to help him help himself! He needs my support am I am there! Thanks you all!

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M.T.

answers from Houston on

If the only thing that is keeping you two apart is his weight gain and his lack of motivation....then, by all means tell him the truth. It will be difficult for him, but it might make him more motivated to do something about it when he realizes you are not attracted to him. Maybe the medication that he is on for his back pain is making him less motivated? Maybe he has a little PTSD? That's great that he is in counseling and therapy...that's the first step. Good Luck.

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L.B.

answers from Corpus Christi on

You did not say what branch he was in, Have you asked him if he does want to go back into service? There may be a deep reason as to why he does not want to. Healthy snacks like dried fruit mixed with nuts etc. along with fruit juice, cheese and meat cubes, along with some fruit. I know you have most likely done all these things but it again might just be the simple question do you want to go back?

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D.M.

answers from Houston on

C.,
Ok, time for some hard-core, tough-love! And I am giving this to you with all the love and prayers in my heart. I have, unfortunately, lost my husband to another woman because of something very small that I didn't even realize was bothering him because we did not fight and we got along and I supported him, just like you! I couldn't have been more shocked if someone told me that President Obama was coming to my house for lunch!
A wonderful lady on here gave me a book that is saving my life and my marriage. It's called "Created to be his help-meet" By Debi Pearl and I recommend you RUN and get a copy NOW!!!!! You are too critical of your husband. It is HIS business if he is over-weight and in time he will probably correct it. He has been hurt physically. I cannot imagine how hurt he would be if he knew that you found him unattractive. Believe me, if you suddenly found that he thought that of you, or if he found another woman who thought that he was "a babe" WITH the extra weight, would all your efforts to control him be worth it???? I can tell you the answer is NO!
The lady who recommended this for me also saved her marriage. Her name is Cali and I am forever indepted. This book would be preventitive for you. Learn to love your husband WITHOUT conditions, because that is what you promised when you married him. Love is an action as well as a feeling. Show him that you approve of him in every way and you will be rewarded. Don't sweat the small stuff Mama!
I'm sorry to be so rough, but I "see" something in you that was the same in me and I am soooooooo sorry that I don't have my husband anymore. I would give anything to have my life back.
God bless - I will pray for you both and also for his physical healing from all his pain.
D.

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R.N.

answers from Houston on

Hi C.,
I just wanted to say that this is one case in which complete honesty may not be the best policy. If he hears from you that you find him undesirable b/c of his weight gain, it will most likely make him depressed (if he isn't already), which will probably make him gain even more weight. I think continuing to reinforce how much you and your children love and respect him for all that he has done for your family and for our country, plus continuing with the counseling and therapy, will probably be the best way for him to pull out of this 'funk.' I know that a lot of soldiers go through a difficult time when they return from battle and it sounds like he is no exception. He uses food for comfort...as the daughter of an alcoholic, please count your blessings that it is food he uses rather than alcohol or drugs. I think he needs time, love and support from you. I agree with the previous poster who said maybe he doesn't truly want to go back to active duty? That is hopefully something he will explore with the counselor. Best of luck to you!!

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L.W.

answers from Austin on

In my opinion (haven't read others) You cannot say these things without hurting his feelings. Period. He knows he needs to be healthy. Do you think you'll tell him something new? My mom after 26 years has finally taken control and got sane about food...joined Curves and does their food plan. After has lost around 100 pounds and is close to getting on the BMI chart. Dad goes when they have a men's time. I'm very proud of her accomplishments, but that's just it, they are hers and they happened after all the nagging her parents and children gave was over. What I'm trying to say is that this has to be his personal decision and you can just try to do fun things and invite him because you love him and want to spend time with him, or you can be repulsed and live with him the way you see him now. It's a tough road to see past the skin. Good luck.

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H.P.

answers from Houston on

I agree that he won't hear it from you. Let his doctor address that with him, so you can maintain your loving and supportive relationship.

Depression is a difficult cycle to break. Being depressed leads to lack of motivation which leads to more depression. Weight gain is caught up in there, too. This a very real chemical issue, and you should not get on him about not doing what he can to improve the situation; that'll only make things worse for him because most likely he IS doing what he can.

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C.B.

answers from Austin on

This sounds like PTSD to me too. Maybe he doesn't want to be fit enough to be "active duty" especially if that makes him deployable. I would be very supportive and calmly let me know that while you do still love him, you need more "oomph" from his side. Ask him to go for a walk with you, "reward" him with "whoopie" even if you don't want to. It is called motivation! They use it in the military, why not at home? Sex is great exercise too. Keep him "busy" after the kids go to bed and he won't think about eating. Good luck and God be with you on this journey. CB

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S.R.

answers from Austin on

I would do some of what you are doing - healthy snacks around the house, etc. Also, whatever he finds that he enjoys doing, do it with him and encourage him. As far as the eating at night, leave out more to eat during the day and engage in something else at night instead of eating.

Okay, this may sound judgemental, but how would you feel if he did not want to be with you because he found you unattractive because your body type changed (or, your hair turned gray or you had a skin/dental problem)? He is taking meds and waiting on a duty change, plus he has been injured. Imagine if you were injured, it hurt to exercise, and you were on meds which may change your body type?

It sounds like your heart is in the right place, but think about what you wrote/are thinking. Look into his eyes, remember who he is, think about the things listed above, and talk to him. Who knows, intimacy (especially in the evenings when he is eating)may help him feel better and help with the weight, also.

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S.A.

answers from Austin on

I think the best thing you can do at this point is just love and accept him for who he is, and try to plan to do some semi-active things together (like going for bike rides).

A lot of anti-depressant meds, and other kinds as well, can make a person gain weight. I know from experience because my husband went from being skinny as a rail to being ... pudgy ... over the last few years. Much of it is the change in age, the desk job, etc., but a lot of it is the meds he has to take. He also was injured in a minor car accident and can't do as much physically as he would like to to get back into shape.

The bottom line is -- you just have to remember that the person he really is is on the inside, not the outside. I know that's hard, because when I go back and look at his pictures from the first few years we were married, there are times I really want to cry, I miss that cutie so much! But I married the man inside the body, not just the body. The body grows old, wears out, doesn't stay the same, but it's the MAN he is that counts.

I know that's hard to keep in mind sometimes -- I struggle, too. Just be there for him, be supportive, and don't nag because that will not only make him far less inclined to do what you ask, but will hurt your marriage, too. There are things you can do in the bedroom to help there -- soft candlelight, keeping things a bit dark, and just use your imagination to think of him the way you want him to look! Remember sex isn't just about pleasure, but it's about building that intimacy between your souls, too.

Best of luck with all this! I know it's not easy. But it's very, very worth it.

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L.S.

answers from Odessa on

His doctor will probably have to address that issue. I honestly don't think that you can or should. Put yourself in his shoes and think of how you would feel if he told you that you need to lose weight, then started not wanting to have intimacy with you. We marry for better or worse. Being overweight is a medical issue, so that also goes with "in sickness and in health". If you can't accept him, then don't feel too badly when he does regain his health and finds a woman that loves him.

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J.B.

answers from Houston on

Hey C.,
Well I really think it actually might not be the weight thing, even though I know you really don't like that. As women we have such a big need for security. If anything hits the trigger that our security could be rocked it isn't pretty. The fact he has gone through some rough times and is now dealing with some depression may very well have hit your internal security meter and now your sensors are telling that things are shaky. All this eating and weight gain are visible signs that your man might be in a little emmotional trouble and that is scary. When I say shaky, I don't mean at all that your marriage is in trouble or anything, I just mean that we like things to stay very stable and secure without a lot of upset, that is just how we are, we are just grown up girls:) So I think now is the time for you to rise up and be that awesome secure woman he married and just be there for him. You know just ask God to give you that extra helping of security you need. I would say if he is going through such a hard time, you talking about the weight may be counter productive, it could just make him feel worse or more overwhelmed by his inability to get it together at the moment. He has to get this stuff inside him fixed and the weight will probably come off after that. I am glad he is getting some counseling, if it seems he isn't getting better, change counselers! You guys are in charge here. Also, it is always good to research meds, some have bad side effects so that is a thought as well. I know you married a tough military muscle man who seemed indestructible and now you are seeing that guy have some tough times, but he is still your strong man in there, he just needs some help right now. Hang in there, I haven't gone through your exact situation but I am so thankful for guys like your husband who defend our country and for wives like you who let them do it, really thanks so very much! I know things will get better:)

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S.O.

answers from San Antonio on

He won't do it unless he actually wants to. You can't make him. You will only cause problems in your relationship if you nag him. Keep providing healthy snacks. But, leave it at that. You love him not because of how he looks, but because of who he is. Remember that, even though that may be hard when staring at unattractive fat and laziness. But, in reality, that's not what makes him attractive. Write down 5 character traits that you love and respect about him every day and focus on those things throughout the day to help get you in the mood to love on the man that you truly love. Pity him. He's been through a lot. Meds will affect his weight and moods no matter what. Love and respect him even when fat. Your marriage will thank you in the end.

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S.H.

answers from Houston on

You don't need to "tell" him anything. He already knows what he looks like, and he feels bad enough about it. Believe me, I've fought my weight my whole life, and being "told" by someone else that I need to lose weight is the LAST thing I need to hear.

It sounds like he has so much going on--please try to be patient with him. Continue to encourage him--and don't consider it a "parent-child relationship." That is your job as his wife.

It really disturbs me that you don't "want" him because he's gotten heavy. You need to remember the things that made you fall in love with him in the first place, and concentrate on those things. Try complimenting him when he refrains from eating so much before going to bed--tell him that it makes you happy that he's taking control of things for himself.

Please don't desert your mate because he's hit a rough patch. He needs you--your love and support--now more than ever.

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C.W.

answers from Killeen on

First, I think your going to hear alot about weight loss products that your husband could use. (For example I have Carb blockers that could help out with the over eating until he is back on track.) However none of that will work unless he has a desire to do it. I don't know what plan the WTU gave him. Usually they have recommended a course of action until the surgery.

Either way you will need to sit him down. The moment I would choose is the next time he would like to make-love. Thats when I would suggest you tell him that you need to get something off your chest. Try to hold his hand or be physically touching him in some way while talking to him. Be honest and tell him that he is no longer physically appealing - That you want to be with him, that he use to be, how his weight makes you feel ( Use "I feel" instead of "You make me", and that you will support him in his efforts. Talk about the things you can change... exercise on any large scale prob is a no go. However eating larger portion right before bed isnt helping. Instead either change what he is eating/snacking on or how and when. For example small snacks through out the day are good. A yogurt snack gives a full feeling and is healthy but not a whole tub. Does he like broth base soups? Portion control can be attained by using smaller plates, like the size of kiddie plates, we literally see what we eat. Hopefully that will give you some ideas.

Yes it will hurt him, but he will be able to deal with it if he knows that you love him and are there for him. He will appreciate the honesty better than you pushing him away and sulking & suffering in silence. Guys can not read our minds and it is hard for them to accept and acknowledge it unless it is directly said to them.

Hope this helps!

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P.S.

answers from Houston on

Pain and discomfort plays a huge role in motivation. He obviously was motivated enough to get fit enough to join the military so he knows how to get and keep in shape. Perhaps he's not admitting to some/all of his pain and discomfort. Also, late night tv is the worst when it comes to food commercials. That may be another reason for the evening binges.

I understand your concerns of attraction. We all want to be attracted to our spouses on some level and I think that is fine and perfectly normal to feel guilty that you aren't. But don't let that guilt linger or else it will end up being the basis of your relationship down the road. Think of the women whose husbands are impotent, lost a limb, became disfigured in a fire or has to live the rest of their lives paralyzed in a wheelchair? The ones that "stand by their man" are the ones who recognize that beauty is only skin deep and that true love lies in the heart, not the eyes.

If you say your lines of communication have not faded then keep it up. Its hard enough for guys to talk about anything when they are at the top of their game, much less when they aren't 100%. Let him know you'll be there for him when/if he is ready to really open up and be truthful about his health, or lack of. If you think talking is too intimidating, maybe you can give him a journal to write in. Or perhaps, if you really believe he isn't listening to you, can you get a friend to talk to him?

Hang in there and stay strong!

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J.H.

answers from Houston on

maybe it's the meds he's on. i've been ill for the last two years & put on some weight because of the meds, it's very depressing, maybe he just depressed & doesn't have it in him to exercise. My advice would to be encouraging & loving no matter how he looks it's just a season you're both going through. All you can do is love him unconditionally.

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R.L.

answers from Houston on

If talking to him in a gentle way doesn't help then I would suggest couples counseling. It sounds like there is more going on than just his weight.

Also he may want to consult a dietician, not eating will cause your body to hold on to the fat instead of burning it. Maybe something like Weight Watchers or Nutri System is something you can both look into, but he needs to want to make the lifestyle changes to lose and maintain a healthy weight.

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J.H.

answers from Columbus on

I think you've been given some great advice that you can weigh for yourself. The fact that he's in counseling is great. Has the counselor asked to speak with you before? You might be able to talk to the counselor about your concerns and see what he/she suggests you can do to help him. Talk to him, too. Talk about your goals for the future. Find out what he's thinking and feeling. Does he want to get out of the military? Go back to school? Also, try to find positive things about him to comment on (physical and emotional). It will do a lot for his self esteem.

Also, I wanted to suggest that you find out about him seeing a physical therapist for his back issues rather than consider surgery. The truth is back surgery does not usually cure the problem. The scar tissue from back surgery can actually cause just as much pain as the initial back problem. The physical therapist will give him exercises to help his back pain and also strengthen his core and maybe get him in better shape.

P.S. Did you know that not eating all day and then having a huge meal before bed is how sumo wrestlers bulk up so much. Not that I'd tell your husband that, but it's interesting...

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K.C.

answers from Brownsville on

You can never help anybody feel better about themselves. What you can do and I know from experience and my husband will tell you he is alive because I put on the full armor of God and went to --what I call loving battle.

You love him and you have children who love him--so come from a place of "I need you and the children need a father to be here as they grow" Give him food for thought--Ask him "WHY" will you not do what is needed to be a healthier person. He may say he is not depressed--but there is something hidden deep within that is triggering this behaviour and food seem to be his comfort place.

I did not buy junk food if you will(not sugar & not high carbs) and what I cooked he either had to eat or not eat (because he will not cook for himself) and it took 9 months to get on level ground and now after 5 years he admitts I was right to make him do right (but it was with gritted teeth). It is good now and he fells so much better.

You must do all you can and when you are concerned about him never view it as nagging. Do not take his problem for your own because you can not fix it or him.

God belss you and I can tell you it will be hard, but so worth it.

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L.W.

answers from Houston on

Hi C.,
You say that your husband is not depressed, but that may not be the case. Sometimes depression doesn't take on the appearance of sadness. It is possible for someone to be depressed but not really show it in the ways you would expect. If his back and foot are still messed up, it may be extremely uncomfortable for him to exercise. Exercise can also be a very lonely business. I would suggest that you ask him how he feels and if it would help if you exercised with him. Perhaps you should also have counseling. You may not appreciate this suggestion, but I would also squelch my feelings of disinterest in him and try being very romantic and seductive with him even if you have to fake it a few times. If he is not feeling desirable, it can have the effect of not making him feel like doing anything so it becomes a vicious cycle. I've been married for over 40 years.

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J.L.

answers from Austin on

Maybe a gift certificate to a good nutritionist? I see one in Round Rock who is great. She has taught me so much about food and exercise and she holds me accountable. Most people get in a funk and don't get out until they are good and ready. Or, just be honest and let him know how much you love him and how much you need him to be around. Sounds like he has just given up. Pressuring does not work and drives a huge wedge, as I'm sure you know. You never know what will reach a man. Sometimes its just another man, telling him the same things you've been telling him, for some reason, they just get it then. If you know another man who can help him, you might want to arrange it somehow and see where it goes.

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N.H.

answers from Houston on

My hubby bought a Total Gym (wal mart brand...MUCH cheaper than name brand). It's great b/c it gives you a great workout while being easy on your knees, back, etc. I used to walk for fitness before my knee got messed up & now that I have back trouble too, apparantly, this really helps. I also use a recumbant bicycle for exercise but the Total Gym type product really helps! Again, the WalMart version is the cheapest! Good luck!!

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J.T.

answers from Austin on

that's a tough spot you're in...I'm kind of in a similar one myself; however, I need to lose weight just like my husband does so we just need to get into a healthy exercise habit (the both of us).
My husband drinks too much beer and so I think if he cut back on that during the week, he would lose weight. He has back issues too but the weight is the reason why his back is messed up.
Sorry I didn't give you much advice or any, that is. Just know you're not alone in your plight. You're doing the right thing by sticking by him. "For better or for worse", right?

-Jen

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M.P.

answers from Beaumont on

My husband and I also havr bacvk problems. Try the AB LOUNGE, IT WORKS FOR US.

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M.B.

answers from Houston on

I don't know if this will help or not, but it is possible that your husband is suffering from compulsive over-eating. CO is an eating disorder just like bulemia and anorexia, but for some reason it doesn't get the same coverage as these other disorders. Compulsive over-eating is quite common, but it tends not to get the same attention from family and caregivers as alcoholism or drug or gambling addiction because food is legal and most everyone can relate to having a few pounds to lose, or ganing weight over the holidays or while on vacation. But two things lead me to suspect compulsive eating in your husband's case: he is unwilling to take action, which may mean he is in denial, and he is an injured veteran, which makes it reasonable to suspect that he has suffered trauma. When vets come back drinking, using drugs, unable to sleep or function or having rage attacks, doctors working with them probably assume they are dealing with post-traumatic shock and treat any drug or alcohol problems as related to the vet's attempts to self-medicate, but I bet that at least 9 out of 10 of the same doctors wouldn't recognize weight gain and all the attendant symptoms of food addiction, such as lethargy and withdrawal, that often come with it. Compulsive eating is just as real as alcoholism or drug addiction, and a lot of the same brain chemistry is involved. In many cases the two run through families, reinforcing each other, often with men becoming alcoholics and women becoming compulsive eaters -- the tendency of women to go the more socially-acceptable eating route while men more often numb pain with drugs and alcohol is another reason men are even LESS likely to get help if they are eating addictively.

I've been "around" the recovery community dealing with food and compulsive eating for nearly twenty years, and there are various debates about what approaches work best for a compulsive over-eater, but the good news for you is that if you husband is one, there are no debates about what helps the family in any case of addiction. If he's an addict, this will be affecting you and your family, and you'll need some help regaining your own balance -- some cities have meetings specifically for the partners of compulsive overeaters, but if you can't find anything like that, standard Alanon meetings, meant for partners of alcoholics, would probably help just as much if you can school yourself to hear "over-eater" and "drank" every time someone says "when my alcoholic comes home and won't talk to me because he's ashamed about how he drank at a party last night..."

Here's the other golden piece of advice for any partner of any addict: say nothing until he does. If he is caught in the snares of an addiction, he is confused, unhappy, and from time to time he WILL feel desperate to find some way out. You can help by waiting until one of those moments of desperation rolls around, until, for instance, he says "I don't know what to do anymore -- this is killing me, and I know it's hard on you too..." or "I can't keep going like this," or "I would do anything to get out of this..." In all the addictions, that's called "bottoming out" -- someone "hits bottom" and feels prepared to do anything to change. Someone still fighting with the addiction, still trying to find a way to drink or eat like a gentleman and saying "tomorrow it'll be different -- tomorrow, I'll go on a diet..." is NOT going to be prepared to do what it takes to break out of the cycle. For anyone with a spouse in that phase of addiction, the standard advice is "neither to create a crisis, nor to do anything to avert one if it is in the normal course of things." So, the fact that you never nag is GREAT. And, you may want to check to make sure you don't do the opposite of nagging, which is enabling, automatically agreeing when he says "I eat healthy -- there's no reason I should be gaining all this weight," or "if I didn't have this injury, I could play handball and that's the only sport I ever really enjoyed..." or whatever.

If/when he does express a desire to change, I urge you to tell him about Overeaters Anonymous, a 12 step program for compulsive eaters. They have meetings in most towns, and more and more these meetings all have some men in attendance (it was hard in the old days for a man to walk into a meeting full of women to talk about food, but it might help you and your husband to know that the founder of the first 12 step program for compulsive overeating in Texas was a man) . A very painful reality for compulsive over eaters is that there are TONS of different programs out there pitching to help those seeking "weight loss" that naturally attract the over-eater who has bottomed out and is seeking help -- there are online programs, self help groups, doctors, and diet books galore. And for those who aren't actually addicted to eating, those programs are extremely helpful. But if someone is eating to sooth an inner wound, then Weight Watchers and Calorie King are not going to help, because the compulsion to eat more and more unhealthy food will sooner or later become too strong. Lots of compulsive eaters go through cycle after cycle of this dance -- losing the weight, feeling great, having friends ooh and ahh over how good they look, and then gradually slipping back into the cycle of weight gain and despondency until the next diet. It is because over-eating is a problem that few in our society, either in the medical or therapy fields or even among dieticians, acknowledge or understand, that I am spending all this time laying this out, because it is a sad case where few know the facts but everyone and their mother seem to claim to have a "cure" that will give the compulsive over-eater "buns of steel," "flat abs," and a "slim, trim appearance" in less than a month. Like I said, for the normal eaters among us who truly have just gained a few pounds after having a child or letting ourselves go on a vacation or during a period of mild depression because we were unemployed, great. But for the true compulsive over-eater, all of these weight-loss programs are as if we lived in a society papered over with ads claiming to help people who are having black outs every night learn how to go out and drink socially with no negative effects. "Have a drink after work with the boys again and never, ever worry about what you may have said or done when you wake up the next morning!"

Anyway, obviously this advice is only valuable if it applies to your husband's situation. If you think that powerlessness over what kinds of food and/or how much food he is eating is at the root of his weight gain, I urge you to find out all you can about compulsive over-eating, not just as it affects the individual but also as it affects the family. I grew up with a mother who ate compulsively, as well as an alcoholic father, and I can assure you that one is every bit as serious and life-threatening as the other. Overeaters Anonymous in Houston has a website that has a lot of general information about the illness as well as numbers you can call and a list of meeting places and times.

M.

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D.G.

answers from Houston on

Definitely don't nag, but you know that already.

Maybe mention you are concerned about the weight gain, worried it is putting more strain on his injuries. And you hate to see him hurting. And then ask him if there is anything you can do to help.

He knows what to do, just for whatever reason, maybe tired dealing with chronic pain, he is having trouble doing it. Just keep on being supportive.

And maybe stop buying junk food. So if he is up late eating the only snacks around will be healthy ones.

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S.W.

answers from Houston on

Look closely at the meds he is taking because they certainly may be causing his weight gain. You can get a print out from the pharmacist or online.

When you have healthy snacks around the house, go one step further. Put them out already cut up in a tupperware with low-cal dips so it will be a quick, easy snack. When he gets home from work, put them out on the counter. Don't keep a bunch of junk food. If it isn't there, than he won't eat it.

You didn't say what is wrong with your husband's back. Sometimes physical therapy can help greatly. It helped me and I was thrown off a horse. For pain management, I highly recommend accupuncture. Find a certified accupunctured. Accupuncture is recognized by the AMA and is covered by insurance. If needles bother him, tell him to look the other way. It is better than all those meds that all have side effects. I did accupuncture for a few months and it is better than any message that I have ever had! If your husband has back surgery, than he will probably have to have it again and again (only lasts so long). Avoid it if possible. Swimming is wonderful for back injuries and so is yoga.

You are right to encourage your husband. You say he isn't depressed, but it sounds like he is. He may be depressed bacause of the meds and the physical limitations he now has. Keep your spirit up and pray for him (and you).

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C.B.

answers from Austin on

It sounds to me like he IS depressed. Sit him down and tell him what you just wrote so beautifully, with lots of positive stuff about what a great guy he is to open and close. Emphasize that your main worry is his health and leave out the stuff about not finding him attractive. Have him discuss this with his doctor as well, if he will. They may be able to adjust his meds to help. You sound like a great supportive wife. Good luck.

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S.S.

answers from Houston on

I am not sure I have any advice here. However, I have experienced situations like this with family and close friends. In my quest to help them I have discovered that they are the ones that have to decide that they want a change. For example my mom was always a small person until after my grandmother died, and now she is obese. For years I have tried to convince her she needs to be active. Like your husband, she has physical issues that prevent her from doing certain types of exercises and just like your husband, at her doctors request, has not performed the rehab exercises that followed surgeries. For some people they need to hit rock bottom with their weight/health issues before they want to do something about it. I would definitely keep doing what you are already doing and hope that he makes the decision to do something about it! And hopefully someone else in this community has something greater to add! I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!! Its tough watching a loved one in this sort of situation. Hugs and I hope it truly gets better!!

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K.C.

answers from Austin on

By simply changing when he takes some of those meds, you might be able to solve the nighttime binge eating.
You wrote that he said the bike rides help his back. Why is he not riding more?
By changing from TV, with all of their tempting commercials,to dvds without them might help, especially if he doesn't pause them to go to the fridge.
And then there is the issue that sits like an elephant in the room. If he gets fit, he gets deployed. If I were he and had been injured twice, I would definitely be in the not so fit group. Don't ignore that piece. I think he has done his part. Until Uncle Sam tells him that though, I doubt he will do anything constuctive about his fitness. That is where the discussion needs to start.
Seems to be a really, really hard place for both of you. I hope he feels able to discuss this with his counselor and perhaps he would allow you to join in on a session to deal with your concerns as well.

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S.B.

answers from Austin on

i agree with those who said to tread lightly here. your husband sounds like he's dealing with a bit of depression and definitely needs to feel his home is a safe and supportive environment.

that being said, perhaps you can talk to him about his habit of crescendo eating (eating more and more food as the day/night goes on) b/c of its effects on his metabolic process. this affects more than weight...maybe you could suggest that your family make some small changes together. you could couch it as something you're wanting to be more focused about and that you'd like his help with. men love to help solve our problems. perhaps he'd take more kindly to that approach than the "i don't find you attractive, time to lose wieght" approach.

its possible he may not know what he is consuming or what habits he's fallen into in the past few years and doesn't recognize them as one of the culprits for his current state. maybe you could all use a site like Spark People. its a great tool to see where you are and get where you want to be.

http://www.sparkpeople.com

i hope this helps you, best wishes!

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B.M.

answers from Odessa on

Start taking pictures and framing them in frames around the house. These are visual reminders of how you used to look as well as how you have changed. It is funny how sometimes having some friends over that may comment on how much someone has changed can get the point across better than a nagging wife. I have found that men have a tendancy to be more vain that they let on and if their buddies comment on his weight gain it is a good natured ribbing to his ego, but on that he will take seriously.
Good luck with this. For all the stubborness of a woman, we can never match that of a man.

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W.C.

answers from San Antonio on

I have no iddea what WTU is, but here are some thingss that we have triied.
Eliminate the goodies from the grocery list. If they are not there, then he can't eat them.
Plan fun family outings like rafting, swimming, camping, the climbing ropes at Sea World are a fantastic workout and fun interaction with the kids. Having fun with your children and seeing the limitations that he has at his current physical condition will help give him motivation.
You are right, you don't want to be his mother, that will olny open a whole new sett of issues in your relationship, but just carry on in your own life and keep inviting him.

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E.R.

answers from Austin on

Well - you know him best, but I always think it is a good idea to think about how you would like to be told something like this. Maybe it can be a "we" conversation - such as - I think "we" need to be more healthy - so I am going to schedule time for us to swim (or whatever he likes and is comfortable for him) and I am going to cook healthy meals and keep only healthy food in the house. You could also try serving his food at dinner to control portions. Are you sure he is not depressed? Or bored at least? Eating nonstop in the evening isn't usually a normal thing to do. . .

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D.R.

answers from Houston on

Please have him contact my husband. My husband never thought of himself as being over weight until he saw pictures at the beach and he was holding his stomach in. He saw that and made a huge change because of a fat conversion bar that helped him workout longer without being sore the next day. That helped him to keep going to the gym. He is now HOT HOT HOT. 228 to 185.

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J.H.

answers from Houston on

These WTU exercises...are they something you could do together. Exercsing along is never fun, but if you put on some music and exercised together it might be fun..He says bicycle riding dowesn't hurt his back, Can you get anothe bike and do it together. Maybe inclde the kids.

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S.O.

answers from San Antonio on

I am very anxious to read all the responses you receive. You feel the way you feel and that's the way it is. I am sorry someone earlier got on you about your feelings---you should disregard that. Lots of extra body weight is not the same as gray hair, contrary to previous advice!

My husband has had a very high stress job the past 18 months. He is working 70 hours a week and has put on 40 lbs since Christmas 2007. I totally understand your feelings. He works hard and is a wonderful provider, but he is large and out of shape now. He doesn't sleep well, because with the added weight has come a ton of snoring!
When he wants to be intimate, I really have to work hard at blocking his size out. He has asked me a few times why I haven't initiated anything in a while. I have not told him the truth. It is very hard, and someone who hasn't been there can't understand. I am trying to get him to take walks with me after work or on weekends, or go to the gym before work. I know how hard that is when they don't want to!

Perhaps the 2 of you can sit down with the doctor together or a counselor. If you expressed your feelings around a trained professional and your husband's feelings were hurt, a trained counselor could help your husband understand your concern is NOT a criticism of him. I should probably follow my own advice and do the same.

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R.C.

answers from Austin on

I was in the same boat as your husband. even though i was not depressed i was still grumpy. if you want to tell him about his weight without hurting him try telling him your concerned about his heat and health in general. that might motivate him. last ting a man wants is not to be around for his family. you can also try making him eat 6 times a day small meals this will burn up fat because when you only eat once a day your body slows down. If you need to talk more send a message id be glad to help a brother that is injured and gaining weight like i did.

R.

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